Mommy Guilt

Any other first-time Moms out there suffering from Mommy guilt? I seem to suffer from this almost every waking moment of my day. The guilt begins at 6:30 a.m. when I have to wake a precious bundle of sleep from his crib so that I can dress him and give him some cheerios before rushing out the door at 6:55 a.m.

Guilt trip #2: I kiss Ethan goodbye and turn for the door knowing that I have already stayed 10 minutes too long. I see him watch me leave, and my heart still feels heavy, even after doing the same routine for the past 11 months.

Guilt trip #3: I am 7 minutes late picking Ethan up because of an accident on the highway. My fault? Nope, but the guilt is still there. Will Ethan know the difference between 5 p.m. and 5:07 p.m.? Nope, but I do, and the guilt threatens to swallow me up.

Guilt trip #4: I walk into daycare and see Ethan playing with some toys. He looks up at me, grins, and immediately begins to fuss until I rush over and pick him up for a hug. This is the absolute best part of my day, but again, the guilt rushes in because I realize how much he's missed me.

Guilt trip #5: The weekend rolls around, and I need to shop for a dress for a wedding that's in 5 weeks. Daddy is more than willing to take care of Ethan, but the Mommy guilt insists that Ethan will know that I am not around and miss me. The Mommy guilt overtakes me as I am trying on dresses and I start to rush so that I can get home as soon as possible.

There are so many more cases of Mommy Guilt in my day-to-day life. I know, on an intellectual level, that my mother or Joe is more than capable of taking care of Ethan. And I know that Ethan absolutely loves both his daddy and his gramma. Then what's the problem? I've asked myself this same question countless times. As a Mom who works full-time outside the home, I get very little time during the week to spend with my son. Therefore, I feel like I need to be with him every minute as if to make up for lost time. I don't want to miss any more belly laughs, first steps, and smiles than I already do.

I need to work right now. At some point, Joe and I hope that things will be different. I know that we are making the best decisions for our family. I know that Ethan loves his teachers at daycare, and he loves his friends. He gets to play outside and fingerpaint and sing songs and read. Most days, I am okay with that. Is it the ideal situation? No, but it's the one that works right now. Some days, like today, I dread the coming week and the time I will never get back with Ethan. I try to make each second count when we do spend time together, but the Mommy Guilt is always there, right underneath the surface, just waiting to emerge.