I am sure many of you who read my blog are wondering why you haven't seen an update on my weight loss. Well, that is because there really isn't anything to tell. I have been yo-yo'ing back and forth with the same 3 pounds for over a month now. Over the weekend, I hit my lowest weight since having Ethan and I thought I was on the right track. WRONG! Got on the scale this morning and I am right back where I was before.
I just read on BabyCenter that one of the girls who recently had a baby is a size SMALLER than pre-pregnancy! Now, I don't begrudge anyone the success of losing weight at any time, but I wonder why I am 6 months post-partum and I still can't even fit into my old clothes. When the weather turns cold here, I am going to have to go shopping just to get some tops and pants that fit. I don't know what to do anymore. I really am getting depressed about the lack of a weight loss. I don't know where to turn. I am working out an hour 3 days a week. I'm not sure that with working full-time and taking care of Ethan I can increase that at all.
Disgust. I am disgusted with myself. I'm disgusted that I have 30 pounds to lose, and Ethan is already 6 months old. At this rate, I'll never lose the weight, and I certainly won't lose it very easily over the holidays. I'm disgusted that I signed Ethan up for swim classes at the YMCA and I know that I will be the biggest Mom there. I'm disgusted that all of my lingerie doesn't fit, and I don't even feel like buying anything new because I hate the way I look. I'm disgusted that I'm the fattest mommy at Ethan's daycare class. I'm disgusted because no matter what I tell myself, I continue to get on the scale every single morning and let it rule my mood for the day.
Fear. I'm afraid that I will never lose the weight. I'm afraid that I won't ever be able to buy cute clothes again. I'm afraid that my husband isn't attracted to me anymore. I'm afraid that I am an embarrassment to him at my current weight. I'm afraid that I'm not as outgoing or confident as I once was. I'm afraid because I don't know where to turn. I'm afraid because I feel like I'm at the point where I will do or try just about anything to lose weight.
I wish I had a support system...someone to work out with, to encourage me with my diet, to praise my smallest achievements and to boost me up when I have setbacks. Joe is a wonderful husband and very understanding, but lately our lives are so busy with work and with Ethan that I feel like I come last. He rarely tells me I look nice anymore, and to be honest, that's because I probably don't. I've been wearing the same clothes over and over all summer long because I don't want to buy more "fat" clothes and my old clothes don't fit. I just don't feel good about myself so how could I expect him to?
I hate the way I look, I hate the mirror, I hate the scale. Other than that, I'm just great today.
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2 comments:
I am sending you the BIGGEST HUGS EVER!! I am so sorry that you feel so frustrated! I wish I lived closer so that I could be there for you! don't let life get you down! Weight is such a picky subject and such a horrible deamon for so many - try to understand that Joe loves you for WHO you are and so do the rest of us! Weight is just a number it does not define who you are!
Sending you hugs hugs and more hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Laura- oh I wish we lived close so we could work off this weight together. I hope you weren't talking about me being smaller because I weighed 180 before and I'm only down to 177! I'm just now wearing my jean shorts that are a size 14 and they are tight!! It took me that long for my swolleness in my stomach to go down enough for me to zip them!! Digust and Fear, I feel the same way! Everything you said is something I've thought to myself once, twice or more!
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