Somehow, my blog has come full circle. When I began this blog, it was to document my weight-loss journey as well as the milestones of Ethan's first year. Many months later, I am back to the weight-loss issue. I have not blogged about my weight loss because, well, there is none to blog about.
I have now weighed the same (give or take 2 pounds) since July 1. That's 3 entire months wasted. I feel ashamed when I look in the mirror. I am definitely NOT the person I used to be. I had to go out and buy a bunch of new fall clothes because nothing in my closet fit. Shopping used to be a joy, and now I avoid it like the plague. I don't have many pictures of me with Ethan because I am way too embarrassed by my current weight. I think I hit rock bottom today. We had a Halloween potluck lunch at work, and after stuffing myself with an insane amount of calories and fat grams, I felt horrible. I felt sick to my stomach, but even more sick in my heart. I know I'm not making the right food choices and I keep making up excuses for why I am not going back on the one diet that I know will work.
About a year before I got pregnant with Ethan, I lost 25 pounds on the South Beach Diet. It was remarkably easy as long as I ate the way the book told me to. I looked great and felt like a million bucks. All that went out the window when Joe and I started to TTC. And the weight came back on. I know that I should go back on the SBD, but there is so much food preparation involved, and it's also not cheap to buy all that produce. I work full time, so my evenings are jam-packed with picking Ethan up from daycare, feeding him, bathing him, playing with him, and putting him to bed. After that, it's washing and making bottles, laundry, feeding the dogs, etc. The thought of having to make a healthy meal (as opposed to popping in a Lean Cuisine or a Hot Pocket) just does not sound appealing! Neither does cleaning up dinner and then having to prepare a lunch for me to take to work the next day. Joe works late most nights, so I can't rely on him for any help with this.
I know that if I want this bad enough, I will find a way to do it. I "think" I have reached the point where I am ready to make the commitment, but how do I know for sure? I've been brainstorming ways that I can prepare food without it consuming an enormous amount of my non-working hours. Here's what I've come up with:
1. Bring lettuce, cucumber, green pepper, tomatoes to work each Monday so that I can prepare salads for lunch.
2. Eat a salad from the salad bar in the cafeteria once a week for a break.
3. Cook a bunch of chicken breasts on Sunday evening to have for the week.
4. Get up 15 minutes earlier so that I can scramble up some eggs for breakfast. Make myself NOT worry if I leave dirty dishes in the sink until I get home from work.
5. Try to prepare food on weekends as much as possible and keep dinners SIMPLE!
These things sound so easy when I type them here, but how easy will it really be in practice? I know that I need to give this a shot and let it work for me, just like it did last time. Here are my (mostly vain) reasons for wanting to lose weight:
1. I want to fit into my lingerie again and look sexy for Joe
2. I want to buy a gorgeous dress to wear to both weddings
3. I want to fit into all of my clothes again
4. I want to have more energy
5. I want to look in the mirror and see "me"
6. I want to lose weight before I have another baby (not that that is happening anytime soon)
I'm scared. Unless you have struggled with your weight your entire life; lost and gained countless pounds; tried more diets than you want to admit and failed at most of them; or dreaded the sight of yourself in the bathroom mirror, then you just won't understand how I feel. I'm scared to fail again. I'm scared that I don't have the willpower needed for this (or ANY) diet. I'm scared that my grandparents are coming this weekend, and I have to cook for them. Should I wait to start the diet until they leave, or is that just another excuse to postpone it??
I know that I will be thinking about this long and hard tonight. I will be talking to Joe and bouncing all of my ideas off him and garnering his support. No matter how many times I fail, he always believes in me.
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1 comment:
Hi Laura,
I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I don't know how you manage. I feel so busy all the time, and it's nothing compared to having to work full time in between taking care of a child, a husband, a house, and two dogs! You are so right about everything you wrote. Making the right food choices takes a huge effort. Not just mentally, but also in time committment and in forking over extra dollars.
Since bringing Kai and Noah home, our grocery bill has skyrocketed because I've been trying to keep our fridge stocked with fresh fruits and veggies. Much more expensive than chips, crackers, and to-go meals. Not to mention the time it takes to chop and cook and prepare. Uugh.
I know you can do this, and I am so happy that Joe supports you through it all. I like the ideas you have about making chicken on Sundays for your week, and bringing veggies into work to make salad for the week. I have a few others:
-Go to the salad buffet at the grocery store and make your own huge salad in 5 minutes. No washing, chopping or anything! If you keep it in an airtight container, it should last the 5 days of work.
-You can add tuna or chicken or hard boiled eggs to liven up the salad
-Do you have an apple slicer? Take that and a bag of apples to work each week. When you have a hankering for something sweet, force yourself to eat an apple first. If you still really NEED the other, compromise with a small portion.
-Pick a special treat that you absolutely love, and indulge once a week, or twice if you split it in half! I buy a donut at the grocery story every Friday and I share it with the kids. :)
-Blog what you eat, and I mean every single dollop. Knowing people are checking in on you will make you want to make the right choices.
I know you can do this, Laura. And one other thing: don't be ashamed about having "wasted" three months. Guess what? Many people in your position would have spent those three months gaining more weight. You should be proud of the fact that you managed to maintain rather than gain. Now you can work on losing.
Love,
Sara
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