Unsettled

I notice that I only come here to post when something is bothering me. I need to remind myself to come here and post the good things (because there are plenty!)

For today though, I am feeling afraid, anxious, and unsettled. I feel like the farther along in my pregnancy I get, the more the old anxious and worried I become. I feel like I felt when I first went on the Zoloft a few years ago. I can pinpoint some of the thing that are triggering my feelings.

1. Daycare. I still do not have any idea what we are going to do for daycare for Ethan and the new baby. Because we keep getting the same answer from all the home daycares ("check back with me when the time gets closer"), I think Joe and I have pretty much put this issue on the back burner for now.

2. My health. My blood pressure is holding steady at about 134/88 which is borderline high. The OB said that if it gets too high, I will be on bedrest regardless of whether or not they also try medication to stabilize it. I was on bedrest for 3 weeks with Ethan, and I just cannot do it this time around. If I am on bedrest and can't work, how will I afford to pay daycare?? If I can't afford daycare, who is going to take care of Ethan while I'm on bedrest? I still have to take the 3-hour glucose test (AGAIN!) on Monday. If I pass it this time, I'm in the clear for the rest of the pregnancy. If I fail it, I will be diagnosed with GD and begin the diet and blood monitoring. Even though I know what I am dealing with this time, I still don't WANT to deal with it, if that makes sense. Why can't I just have easy, carefree pregnancies?

3. My body. I feel so incredibly ashamed of my body. I started out this pregnancy 10 pounds heavier than with Ethan, and I feel every extra pound. I had hoped to gain a lot less than I did the first time, but that isn't working out as planned (why am I NOT surprised??) I feel HUGE and ugly. I wonder what Joe thinks of me as we walk in the mall and see the little toothpick girls with adorable baby bumps and even more adorable maternity clothes. I wonder if he really WAS ashamed to bring me to his company picnic. I wonder if he doesn't want to have sex because of how paranoid he is to hurt me or the baby (which is what he says) or if it's because I am as big as a whale and probably even more unattractive. I am getting new stretch marks everyday and let's not even talk about the cellulite on my ass and thighs. All I can think about is how hard it was last time to lose the weight, and how I'm even bigger this time around. I WANT to be and feel sexy for my husband. I WANT to wear cute clothes and be a "cool" mom once this baby is born. My fear is that I won't be able to do it and I'll stay fat and frumpy.

4. My marriage. I feel like Joe and I have a strong marriage. We support each other and work awesome as a team. And we are raising a pretty kick-ass son as well! But I miss the carefree times we had when we were young and childless. I miss going out drinking with my husband and pawing each other at the end of the night, eagerly anticipating the great sex that would follow. I miss having the time to sit and chat about everything and nothing. I didn't mind not having sex much during my first pregnancy because I honestly didn't want it. But this time around, I have wanted it much more and I just feel like it's "my fault" that we're not having it. Realistically, I know we both wanted this baby very much, but I feel like it's ME that's interrupting our sex life. Because of that, I feel guilty and I worry that Joe won't want me anymore. There, I said it. One of my biggest fears is that my husband will leave me and I will end up as a single mom to 2 kids. Do I have any reason to believe this? No...but that doesn't make the fear any less real.

5. Money. With 2 kids in daycare, money is going to be very tight. VERY tight. Will we make it work? Of course. Things always do tend to work out, but getting there is the hard part. Having the faith to believe it is even harder.

6. Being the mom of 2. Will I be able to handle being a full-time employee as well as the mom of 2 kids, especially with a husband who works long hours? How will Ethan handle not being the center of Mommy and Daddy's world? Will I be able to juggle everything??

Whew....