Identity Crisis

I think that I have forgotten who I am. Somewhere in this journey of becoming a mother, I've lost myself. In January of 2004, when Joe and I decided to try to conceive, I began taking vitamins and eating healthy and refraining from drinking too much alcohol, all in preparation of nourishing a child. When we did conceive in June of '04, life was turned upside down and all we could think about was our future child. I thought about the baby everytime I put something in my mouth (how many times have I eaten tuna this week??), every time I drank (hmm...too much caffeine? What about asparatame?), every time I exercised (is my heart rate too high?), rode in a car (is the seatbelt placed properly?), and so on.

I thought that once the baby came, he would fit right into our lives and we would just keep plugging along. Boy, was I wrong. I don't necessarily mean this in a bad way. Ethan is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. But what happened to Laura? I suddenly only have one identity: Ethan's mommy. I spend so much time being Ethan's mommy that I think I forget to be a wife, a daughter, a sister, an employee, and most importantly, myself. I don't do things anymore that used to bring me happiness because I just don't have time. I don't spend time in front of the mirror carefully applying makeup or blow-drying my hair just so. I don't painstakingly plan dinners for two or surprise my husband with a night out. I don't run a bubble bath for Joe and I. It just doesn't fit into our daily life anymore.

It took me 5 months to realize that parenthood is more than just bringing a child home and caring for him/her day in and day out. Parenthood is a total transformation of life as you know it. I miss the person I used to be, but I'm also completely in love with my new role as a mother. I miss the spontaneity Joe and I used to have, but I'm in love with the way he looks at our son.

How do I find myself? And even if I did manage to recapture who I was before, is that the person I'm meant to be? Life is about growing and changing and finding our own path in the world. Maybe this is my path...maybe it's not, but it sure is a heck of a ride so far.