Worry

I was never a worrier until I became a Mom. Then something inside me clicked, and I am a constant, irrational, obsessive worrier. About 8 months after Ethan was born, I went on Zoloft and that seemed to help calm the worries (somewhat). As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I went off the Zoloft, and I have been doing fairly well...until now.

I cannot stop reading all the statistics about women who have seen a heartbeat on ultrasound only to go on and miscarry weeks later. I visit the November 2007 board on Baby Center, and there are several stories of women that this has already happened to. One click of the mouse and Google has informed me that your chances of miscarrying don't go down until you can see the heartbeat on an abdominal ultrasound (not vaginal) or hear it with a Doppler. Of course, I am now freaking out and analyzing every symptom (or lack thereof) that I'm having. I had some ligament stretching pain on Saturday night, but nothing since then. I've irrationally thought several times that maybe it's because Little Elmo's heart stopped beating and he/she is not growing anymore. I drive everyone around me insane with my worrying, but it's not like I can help it. It's not like I WANT to make myself crazy with worry.

I am 10 weeks pregnant today. I go for the first trimester screen next Friday...10 days away. 10 days filled with obsessive worrying. 10 days until I can see Elmo again and see that heart beating. My next routine OB appointment is May 9 (15 days from now but who's counting?). At that point, we should be able to hear the heartbeat on the Doppler. I am still queasy and tired. I want to feel more stretching ligaments (hurt me baby, hurt me!).

My doctor said it was perfectly safe for me to take Zoloft during the pregnancy, and I am starting to consider that option. I didn't want to, but I don't know if I can take this worrying for much longer. I don't know if the people around me can take the worrying for much longer. I feel helpless and out of control. I don't understand why I can't be "normal" and not worry like crazy about things I have no control over. I wish I could just curl up in bed and sleep until my next appointment. What makes me even more mad is that I never used to be like this.