Bittersweet

When my parents come to visit, it's so bittersweet, because it always comes to an end. I fed Ethan his bedtime bottle last night, and Mom and I put him to bed together. I slowly backed out of his room so I wouldn't wake him. I turned around, and Mom was just lingering by his crib, staring down at the grandson she loves so fiercely. She knew it would be the last time she would see him for many more months. When she closed the door to his room, her eyes were shining with tears. My parents were planning on leaving at 4 a.m. today so they could make it back to Florida tonight. We said our goodbyes before bed, and Mom and I just cried. We have always been close, but Ethan has just brought us closer. I am now a Mom. I now know all of the incredible feelings she must have felt when she looked at me when I was a baby. I now know the nights of worry she must have gone through when I was sick. I now know the intense happiness she must have felt when I smiled at her the very first time.

I heard my parents get up at 3:30 a.m., and I heard Ethan stir and start to fuss, almost as if he was saying, "Gramma, please don't go, I love you". I got up and ran down the stairs so I could say one last goodbye as they were packing the car. When I came back in, I just cried and cried and prayed that someone out there wants to buy their house, or that someone here in Maryland wants to hire my Dad. I have no idea when they will be able to come visit again. They both work full time, and they have already used up so much of their vacation time when Ethan was born. They have to save some time for August when their next grandson is due to be born. Joe and I would love to go to Florida to visit, but it's just too long of a trip to make with Ethan. Plus, we have 2 dogs that we would need to find a dogsitter for. So, we all sit in limbo, not knowing when they will be able to move up here, when they will be able to come visit, when we will all see each other again...

I hated hearing the frustration in my parents' voices when they talked about moving up here and selling the house in Florida. I was raised Catholic, but my parents are not very religious. I was suprised to hear that they had buried a statue of St. Joseph in the ground outside the house. It is supposed to help you sell your house. That showed me how desperate they feel. They don't know God's plan, and they are worried that they will have to weather more hurricanes this year. Their house insurance company dropped them because they had 2 large claims from the two hurricanes that hit their house last year. Now they don't have any insurance. Once they find some, they will be paying triple what they were paying before. It's just a tough situation, and I feel so helpless! I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!

I am definitely feeling down today. And I fell off the wagon BIG TIME this weekend. I haven't gotten on the scale but I have gained back about 3 pounds. I am going to buckle down this week and try to make it to aerobics tomorrow night and Saturday morning. I think I will wait until next weekend to get on the scale and assess the damage. What's done is done, and I don't need to see the number on the scale to rub salt in the wound.

Sorry this post is so incredibly long winded. I am just feeling so down and I thought blogging about it would help me to feel better. I want Ethan to grow up with his grandparents around for every holiday, birthday, baseball game, and school play. I don't want them to miss out on his life.

Today I am thankful that my parents were able to come up even though it hurt to say goodbye. My Mom's face when Ethan smiled at her is worth the sadness I feel right now.