What Happened To My Heart?

I always thought that I was in complete control of my heart until I became a mother. Now I know the truth: my 11-pound son is most definitely the keeper of my heart. I am scheduled to go back to work on Monday, May 16. Joe and I talked and we decided it might be a good idea to bring Ethan to daycare this week for 4-5 hours each day. That would (hopefully) make the transition easier on both him and me. I woke up cheerful today, fed my son, and then watched him play in his bouncy seat while I got dressed. He drifted off to sleep and I just stared at him, thanking God for the precious gift of my son. I knew it was time to leave for daycare, but I kept putting it off. After all, I had no place to be today. With a big sigh, I buckled him into the car seat and off we went. When we got there, he was fussy, so I took him out of the car seat and placed him in Ms. Laurel's arms. He continued to fuss and just look at me. I ached to pick him up and soothe him, but I knew it was best for me to just observe for awhile. After trying several things, Ms. Laurel put him in the bouncy seat and he just looked around and sucked on his fists. He fell asleep so I decided it would be best to leave then. The second I exited the building, I lost it. Huge, wracking sobs just poured out of me. What kind of mother was I to leave my child with people I barely knew? How could I allow someone else's arms to comfort and rock my child?

I am overcome with an incredible sense of guilt for having to put my child in daycare. I am not opposed to daycare at all. My nephew has been going to KinderCare since he was 6 months old, and he loves it. I just think that my little Ethan is too little at 11 weeks to be there. I came home because I didn't know what else to do, and it is too quiet and too lonely without him. I find myself being unneccesarily quiet when I don't need to be. I miss him with every single ounce of my soul. I miss his smile when I go over and talk to him. I miss the way he snuggles up against me after I finish feeding him. I miss the routine that he and I have established together since the day he was born. I never knew that being a Mom would be so incredibly fulfilling that I wouldn't care if I ever worked again.

I have looked at our budget over and over, and I don't have a choice. I have to go back to work. Joe's job can be very demanding, so it would be difficult for me to work a part-time job at night and on weekends. So for now, I guess this is the way things have to be. I hate it. I hate the way I feel right now without Ethan sleeping or playing beside me. I hate not being with him. I hate knowing that someone else is rocking him, feeding him, talking to him, and comforting him. Although I'm sure they are more than equipped to do that, I am his mommy. It hurts me more than I could ever explain to know that I can't be with my son every day. I just hope and pray that this gets easier each day and that he doesn't forget me and how very much I love him.