No Turning Back

I am filled with so many emotions today: hope, anxiety, fear, guilt, stupidity, sadness. Today, I began the Quick Start diet program. All of my bloodwork came back okay and I was cleared to begin. I had my first "beverage" for lunch today, and it was kinda gross. There are all kinds of things I can add to it to make it taste better so I am going to have to experiment a bit. Here's why I feel the way I feel:

**Hope: I have hope that I will lose weight quickly and that some of my old clothes will start to fit by the end of 6 weeks. I have hope that I will start to feel better about myself and my body as I see some of the weight disappear. I have hope that this program will end in a lifestyle change for me, not just another notch in my life of yo-yo dieting.

**Anxiety: I am anxious about what other people will think of what I am doing. I haven't told my parents yet because I don't want to defend what I am doing if they don't agree with it. I need support to do this, and right now it's easier for me to get that support from Joe.

**Fear: I am terrified that I won't be able to do this program mentally. I truly feel my success depends entirely on my attitude and how I approach the next 6 weeks. It won't be easy not eating for 6 weeks, and I am so scared that I will fail. I am also scared about the cost. It is a very expensive program, and the expenses will continue for quite some time. As I start paying daycare next week, plus the money I spent to join the YMCA, I am afraid we won't make it financially. I am already using money from Joe's bonus to pay for the first 6 weeks of this program.

**Guilt: I feel guilty that I am using our hard-earned money for something that should be simple: weight loss. I feel guilty that I won't be cooking dinner and eating with Joe. I feel guilty that we won't be able to go out to dinner together for quite awhile. I want him to be proud of me for not settling on being this weight for the rest of my life. I want him to be proud when I DO lose the weight. I know he loves me at any weight, but I want him to look at me and say "Wow...you look fantastic!"

**Stupidity: I feel very stupid that I can't lose weight on my own. I tried for 2 weeks straight with diet and exercise and didn't lose a single pound. I feel like it shouldn't be that difficult to lose weight, and I feel stupid that I am paying a lot of money for this program when so many people lose weight by themselves all the time just through diet and exercise.

**Sadness: I feel sad because I LOVE to eat and those days are over. And I have to face the fact that if I want to remain at a healthy weight forever, those days are really gone. Even after the 6 weeks when I beging eating healthy foods, there will be no room for pizza, cake, sweets, etc., on a daily basis. Those kinds of things will be few and far between. I am sad because for the next 6 weeks, I will not have much of a social life as most people's social lives revolve around food.

I am trying to work through these feelings because I know that I have to think positive in order to be successful. I don't want to be my own worst enemy. I just started the program today, and I already feel very negative. I have to snap out of it and focus on the end result or I will fail.

I weigh less on my scale at home than I do on the one at the Wellness Center, so I am going to use my scale when I am posting my stats.

Thursday, May 5, 2005 (Start program): 197
Goal weight: 145-150