Another Month Gone By

It seems I am averaging an update on here only once a month now. I have so much to say, but so little time most days.

I've been in a bit of a funk lately. I am now just about 24 weeks pregnant and doing well so far. I had to take the 1-hour glucose test at 20 weeks (which I failed), and then the 3-hour the week after (which I passed). Because I had GD with Ethan, I am taking another 3-hour test at about 27 weeks or so. If I pass that, I'm hoping I'm in the clear, but I'm not sure yet. My blood pressure has been creeping up again (just like it did with Ethan), and the doctor had me do a 24-hour urine collection test, which came back normal. For now, they are just monitoring it closely, but I am so afraid that I will end up on bedrest again and this time even earlier. There is so much more to consider this time, like taking care of Ethan and paying for daycare if I am unable to work. I know I need to take one day at a time and deal with the issues as they come, but it's so tough to do that with my anxiety issues.

Speaking of daycare, I am no closer to figuring out what to do with both kids come February. I know that Joe and I need to stop procrastinating and do something, but I don't want to. Thinking about taking Ethan out of where he is now makes me feel sick. He is so happy there, and Joe and I are happy with him there too. This is such a tough decision and there is no perfect solution. Thinking about this whole situation keeps me up at night and makes me sick to my stomach.

I'm not sure where this funk is coming from. I know some of it is coming from the way I am feeling about myself. I started out this pregnancy 10 pounds heavier than I did with Ethan, and I have gained about 21 pounds as of my last doctor's appointment at 23 weeks. I look enormous and I feel even more enormous. Couple that with Joe's total fear of having sex when I'm pregnant, and I can't help feeling so disconnected from him. I feel like he is embarrassed of me being this large. And it's not all belly...I think I am having quads: one in each thigh, one in my ass, and one in my belly. Most of my XL maternity clothes are getting tight already. He had a company picnic a few weeks ago, and he mentioned it only in passing. When I asked more about it, he said he didn't want to go because no one he really knew was going (we went last year). Then he also said that he knew I was self-conscious of my size right now and that he thought I wouldn't want to go. That made me feel like HE was the one embarrassed of my size. I feel so incredibly unattractive ALL the time, and I wonder how in the world I am going to lose the weight when the baby is born RIGHT before Thanksgiving and Christmas. I tried everything to lose the weight with Ethan and was finally able to take most of it off with Jenny Craig. With 2 kids, there is no way I will be able to afford Jenny Craig again.

I don't feel special to my husband anymore. I feel like we take each other for granted. I love Joe more than anything, and I know he loves me too...that's not the point. We have been so focused on moving, getting settled, Ethan, work, etc., that it's been tough to really connect with each other. He never tells me I look nice anymore (even whales must have a good hair day every now and then) or asks me how I am feeling just out of the blue. I think even he has forgotten how tough it is for a woman to be pregnant, to work full time, and to take care of a toddler. I just wish he would "pamper" me a bit more. Boy, I sound really spoiled, don't I??

Some of the funk is coming from a financial aspect. I don't regret moving to a better neighborhood, better school system, and a bigger house, but that increased our mortgage by $500. Add to that the cost of putting a second child into daycare and I almost feel like I can't breathe. Sometimes I even feel guilty for having a second child because I think "maybe I really can't afford it."

And, of course, some of the funk comes from plain old pregnancy hormones and not being on Zoloft now since I found out I was pregnant.

On a brighter note, Ethan is incredible. He is turning into the funniest, happiest, and sweetest little boy any Mommy could wish for. He's truly a wonderful and loving child and I feel so blessed to be able to give him a brother or a sister (he keeps asking for a sister!). Only 3.5 months to go before we find out! It's so hard to believe that my "baby" will be 2 and 1/2 in just a matter of weeks.

Thanks for letting me ramble...it feels good just to get it all out and try to let the negative feelings go.