What a nasty day it is today. It's been raining since early this morning, and it's just so damp out. I did manage to make it to step aerobics at 7:45 a.m. though. I then came home to change my clothes, and then it was off to my dietician appointment. It went much differently than I had expected it to. We talked about my dieting history since giving birth, and I told her I had recently been trying very hard to lose weight and I have been exercising 3-4 times a week but not seeing any results. She told me I had several choices based on the types of programs they offer: 1) I could do an all-food plan which would consist of 1200 calories with about 1 pound per week weight loss. 2) 2 meal replacement beverages and 1 meal per day (also a 1200-calorie plan) or 3) 6 weeks of meal replacements followed by a 1200-1800 calorie diet depending on my resting metabolic rate (which they determine at the end of 6 weeks). She recommended that I try doing the meal replacement beverages for the first 6 weeks for several reasons: 1) it takes off weight rapidly. Most people with 50 pounds to lose end up losing about 25 pounds in 6 weeks 2) She could tell that I am completely depressed and frustrated and the rapid initial weight loss would give me a lot of motivation and hope. I talked it over with Joe and I decided to go ahead and try the 6-week Quick Start (which is what they call it). It's a bit expensive, but Joe and I both feel it will be worth it if I can lose the weight and be a happier person.
I know there will be lots of people who will criticize a plan that doesn't allow food for the first 6 weeks, and that's okay. They are entitled to their opinion. This plan is run by the local hospital, and before I can begin the program, I have to have blood work done to test my thyroid, my glucose levels and bunch of other things. I also have to have a physical and an EKG. They repeat the lab work at 2 weeks and at 4 weeks to make sure that all my levels look good. I am a bit nervous about making this kind of commitment, but if I don't do something, I am not going to lose any weight. I NEED to see some results soon, or this depression is just going to continue. I am going Tuesday night for my initial screening. Then I will go on Thursday night for my lab work and EKG. If all looks well, I can start the program on Friday. I'm excited and nervous and scared all at the same time. I am an extremely strong-willed person, so I know I can do it, but it's a huge commitment. I hope you all can support me, and I will definitely post on my progress. Before I start, I will post my current weight (as of next Friday) and then I will post each week on my weight loss.
Whew...all that said, the last few days have been difficult. Ethan has been crying a lot, especially after he eats. Joe and I are hoping it's just a phase since we haven't changed his formula or done anything different. Last night, we just put him in his swing and let him cry himself to sleep. It was tough to do, but he was crying while we held him so he might as well cry in his swing. My grandparents were here for a few days and it was the first time they had met Ethan. Ethan is such a lucky little boy. He has 4 living grandparents and 3 living great-grandparents. I got pictures of my grandma and grandpa with him for his baby book.
Only 2 more weeks until I go back to work. I have been doing a lot of thinking, and I am going to call the daycare on Monday and see if I can bring Ethan in the week before I go back to work...about 5 hours a day or so. It will help both me and him become adjusted to daycare rather than us just jumping in cold turkey. One of my parenting magazines suggested Moms do that if they are going back to work since it makes the transition easier. Since his spot is being held with a deposit, I don't think they'd mind if I paid for an extra week and started him a little early, even just 5 hours a day. I thought I could spend an hour there a few days and just observe and see how they are taking care of him.
One last thing before I end this long rant...Joe's damn beeper went off a few minutes ago!! I HATE that thing. He has to carry it for 2 weeks at a time, and this is his second week. He will have to respond to the call and that will probably mean he's gone for over 5 hours.
That's it for now...I sure hope the sun comes out tomorrow.
Saturday, April 30, 2005
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
NO CLOTHES!
How come my closet is full of clothes but I'm wearing the same thing every day? How come I had my son almost 10 weeks ago, and the only pants I can wear are maternity? How come I am hungry all the time? These are all the questions that I have been asking myself over and over. I absolutely cannot look in the mirror. The sight of my body truly disgusts me. My body image was very poor before I got pregnant, and it's even worse now because I've never been this heavy. I truly feel like I'm in a pit and I'm sinking lower and lower with every passing week that doesn't result in weight loss.
I did take a big step yesterday, and I made an appointment for a one-on-one session with a dietician. At first, the receptionist told me the first available appointment was May 24! I could have started crying on the phone. I am taking it as a good omen that she found an appointment for this Saturday morning, April 30th. The woman I am meeting with just had a baby girl, so I am sure she will be able to relate to how much pregnancy takes a toll on your body. I am so hoping that she will be able to devise a diet plan for me that will take weight off in a steady and healthy manner. Just seeing a 5-pound loss would be incredible motivation for me at this point.
I also went to Step Aerobics class last night. I was exhausted and a lot of the moves were tough last night, so I felt a little "out of sorts". I did still get a decent workout although I feel like I spent half the class trying to catch up when I missed certain moves!
Ethan Update: The little guy just would NOT sleep during the day yesterday. He wasn't fussy, but he wanted to play in his bouncy and then on the floor with his play mat. He was so exhausted last night that he slept from 7:15 until midnight. Joe fed him and then he slept from about 1 a.m. until 7 a.m. this morning. He has slept a little bit more today, but he still loves to play all day long! He coos and smiles all the time now. Sometimes, he coos so loud that I tell him to stop "yelling"! I am trying to enjoy every moment of each day since I go back to work so soon.
The pediatrician called in a different medication for his thrush since the other one made him sick. This one is an older medicine and not many pharmacies carry it so CVS had to order it. Hopefully, this medication gets rid of the thrush and has no bad side effects!
I guess I've rambled long enough for today...I am going to try to focus on Saturday's appointment and getting some direction for losing weight, rather than focusing on what is in the mirror right this minute.
Today I'm thankful that my husband will be home from work on time!
I did take a big step yesterday, and I made an appointment for a one-on-one session with a dietician. At first, the receptionist told me the first available appointment was May 24! I could have started crying on the phone. I am taking it as a good omen that she found an appointment for this Saturday morning, April 30th. The woman I am meeting with just had a baby girl, so I am sure she will be able to relate to how much pregnancy takes a toll on your body. I am so hoping that she will be able to devise a diet plan for me that will take weight off in a steady and healthy manner. Just seeing a 5-pound loss would be incredible motivation for me at this point.
I also went to Step Aerobics class last night. I was exhausted and a lot of the moves were tough last night, so I felt a little "out of sorts". I did still get a decent workout although I feel like I spent half the class trying to catch up when I missed certain moves!
Ethan Update: The little guy just would NOT sleep during the day yesterday. He wasn't fussy, but he wanted to play in his bouncy and then on the floor with his play mat. He was so exhausted last night that he slept from 7:15 until midnight. Joe fed him and then he slept from about 1 a.m. until 7 a.m. this morning. He has slept a little bit more today, but he still loves to play all day long! He coos and smiles all the time now. Sometimes, he coos so loud that I tell him to stop "yelling"! I am trying to enjoy every moment of each day since I go back to work so soon.
The pediatrician called in a different medication for his thrush since the other one made him sick. This one is an older medicine and not many pharmacies carry it so CVS had to order it. Hopefully, this medication gets rid of the thrush and has no bad side effects!
I guess I've rambled long enough for today...I am going to try to focus on Saturday's appointment and getting some direction for losing weight, rather than focusing on what is in the mirror right this minute.
Today I'm thankful that my husband will be home from work on time!
Saturday, April 23, 2005
Drained
That's how I feel today...drained. I am so completely overwhelmed by so many things in my life, and I am trying to handle them all at once. I just broke down emotionally today and had a good cry. It hit me today that I will be going back to work in 3 weeks. A few weeks ago, if you asked me, I would have said that I was ready, but now that it's rapidly approaching, I feel sad. I feel sad that I will not be able to hold my little boy during the day or see him smile at me when I change his diaper. I am not opposed to daycare at all; actually, I have seen firsthand the wonderful impact it can have on a child socially. I know he'll be fine and even thrive in such a nurturing, structured environment. But bottom line...I'm his mommy and it's so difficult to go from being home with him for weeks to a working Mom. I need to go back to work for financial reasons. It's just the way it has to be right now.
Of course, the weight issue has been bothering me more and more. I feel that all my life I have had an unhealthy body image. I grew up listening to my Mom tell my Dad all the time that she was fat. She was always dieting and never happy with her body. I have been the same way throughout my life. I have decided to go ahead and try to make an appointment with a nutritionist. The hospital's Wellness Center charges $60 for an hour session, and $35 for 1/2 hour follow-up sessions. I need some direction and some motivation since what I have been doing just isn't working. I won't even look in the mirror anymore and getting dressed is depressing as the selection is limited. I want to be able to buy cute clothes...summer is just around the corner! Instead, I am stuck in my maternity jeans and a few 1X t-shirts I picked up at Kohl's. I know it's unhealthy, but I tend to let my weight rule my self-worth. If I'm skinny, I'm a good person. If I'm fat, I'm worthless.
I have so much in my life to be thankful for...most of all, the little boy sitting next to me sound asleep in his bouncy chair. I am going to try to write one thing every single day that I am thankful for in my life.
Today I am thankful that I have the support and unconditional love of my husband.
Of course, the weight issue has been bothering me more and more. I feel that all my life I have had an unhealthy body image. I grew up listening to my Mom tell my Dad all the time that she was fat. She was always dieting and never happy with her body. I have been the same way throughout my life. I have decided to go ahead and try to make an appointment with a nutritionist. The hospital's Wellness Center charges $60 for an hour session, and $35 for 1/2 hour follow-up sessions. I need some direction and some motivation since what I have been doing just isn't working. I won't even look in the mirror anymore and getting dressed is depressing as the selection is limited. I want to be able to buy cute clothes...summer is just around the corner! Instead, I am stuck in my maternity jeans and a few 1X t-shirts I picked up at Kohl's. I know it's unhealthy, but I tend to let my weight rule my self-worth. If I'm skinny, I'm a good person. If I'm fat, I'm worthless.
I have so much in my life to be thankful for...most of all, the little boy sitting next to me sound asleep in his bouncy chair. I am going to try to write one thing every single day that I am thankful for in my life.
Today I am thankful that I have the support and unconditional love of my husband.
Friday, April 22, 2005
A Fresh Start
After reading the blogs of many of my online friends, I decided this would be a good way for me to journal my weight loss journey as well as to keep up with all the developments of my new son, Ethan.
Today is a fresh start for me. I gained 50 pounds when pregnant and I had already gained 20 before I conceived. I developed Gestational Diabetes and was also put on bed rest for the last month due to high blood pressure, so my activity level was non-existent. A week after I came home from the hospital, I had lost only 20 pounds. You do the math...that leaves A LOT of weight to lose. Two weeks ago, I was physically ready to start exercising and get serious about losing the weight. I joined the local YMCA and worked out 5 times the first week on top of eating healthy. I promised myself that I would only weigh once a week because it's just way too depressing to face the scale's "smirk" every day. I jumped on the scale last Sunday and held my breath...I looked at the number and then looked again. I got off, got back on, and looked yet again. The number was exactly the same as it had been the previous week despite all of my efforts. I was crushed and began to cry. How could this be? What was I doing wrong?
Despite this setback, I was determined to carry on with diet and exercise. I took a step aerobics class on Monday night and absolutely loved it! I got the best workout and the women in the class were so friendly. It was MY time and I enjoyed every minute. I went to class again on Wednesday night and I just KNEW that the weight was going to start melting off. WRONG! On Thursday morning, the scale again showed not a single pound of fat gone. At this point, I was not only sad, I was mad! Where do I go from here? If diet and exercise don't work, what do I do? I refuse to give up. I have never been this heavy before, and I look in the mirror and wonder where this "fat" girl came from. I have thought about seeing a nutritionist or having my doctor run some tests to make sure that the pregnancy did not tamper with my thyroid.
I got so upset yesterday that I ate pizza AND a sundae from TCBY. I figured if I wasn't going to lose any weight by dieting, then why the heck do it?? I even got up this morning and ate 2 slices of cold pizza. Of course, now I have 55 pounds to lose, but who's counting anyway? I think I have gotten it out of my system though and I'm ready to move on somehow, some way.
On another note, Ethan had his 2-month checkup yesterday, and Joe took off the whole day so he could go with us. Ethan now weighs 10 pounds, 11 ounces and he is 22 3/4 inches long. He had to get 4 shots yesterday, and although I thought I would be heartbroken watching him, I did fine. He was a good boy and only cried for about 10 minutes. He does have thrush in his mouth which is caused by a PH imbalance much like a woman's yeast infection. We have to give him drops 3X a day for 10 days. He goes back at 4 months for his next checkup.
The rest of the day he was a good boy. He smiles all the time now and spends hours "talking" to his toys. It's a joy and a blessing to watch this little baby develop more and more of his personality every day, and I know that I am incredibly lucky.
Today is a fresh start for me. I gained 50 pounds when pregnant and I had already gained 20 before I conceived. I developed Gestational Diabetes and was also put on bed rest for the last month due to high blood pressure, so my activity level was non-existent. A week after I came home from the hospital, I had lost only 20 pounds. You do the math...that leaves A LOT of weight to lose. Two weeks ago, I was physically ready to start exercising and get serious about losing the weight. I joined the local YMCA and worked out 5 times the first week on top of eating healthy. I promised myself that I would only weigh once a week because it's just way too depressing to face the scale's "smirk" every day. I jumped on the scale last Sunday and held my breath...I looked at the number and then looked again. I got off, got back on, and looked yet again. The number was exactly the same as it had been the previous week despite all of my efforts. I was crushed and began to cry. How could this be? What was I doing wrong?
Despite this setback, I was determined to carry on with diet and exercise. I took a step aerobics class on Monday night and absolutely loved it! I got the best workout and the women in the class were so friendly. It was MY time and I enjoyed every minute. I went to class again on Wednesday night and I just KNEW that the weight was going to start melting off. WRONG! On Thursday morning, the scale again showed not a single pound of fat gone. At this point, I was not only sad, I was mad! Where do I go from here? If diet and exercise don't work, what do I do? I refuse to give up. I have never been this heavy before, and I look in the mirror and wonder where this "fat" girl came from. I have thought about seeing a nutritionist or having my doctor run some tests to make sure that the pregnancy did not tamper with my thyroid.
I got so upset yesterday that I ate pizza AND a sundae from TCBY. I figured if I wasn't going to lose any weight by dieting, then why the heck do it?? I even got up this morning and ate 2 slices of cold pizza. Of course, now I have 55 pounds to lose, but who's counting anyway? I think I have gotten it out of my system though and I'm ready to move on somehow, some way.
On another note, Ethan had his 2-month checkup yesterday, and Joe took off the whole day so he could go with us. Ethan now weighs 10 pounds, 11 ounces and he is 22 3/4 inches long. He had to get 4 shots yesterday, and although I thought I would be heartbroken watching him, I did fine. He was a good boy and only cried for about 10 minutes. He does have thrush in his mouth which is caused by a PH imbalance much like a woman's yeast infection. We have to give him drops 3X a day for 10 days. He goes back at 4 months for his next checkup.
The rest of the day he was a good boy. He smiles all the time now and spends hours "talking" to his toys. It's a joy and a blessing to watch this little baby develop more and more of his personality every day, and I know that I am incredibly lucky.
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