When life gets me down, this grin lifts me right back up.

Disgust and Fear

I am sure many of you who read my blog are wondering why you haven't seen an update on my weight loss. Well, that is because there really isn't anything to tell. I have been yo-yo'ing back and forth with the same 3 pounds for over a month now. Over the weekend, I hit my lowest weight since having Ethan and I thought I was on the right track. WRONG! Got on the scale this morning and I am right back where I was before.

I just read on BabyCenter that one of the girls who recently had a baby is a size SMALLER than pre-pregnancy! Now, I don't begrudge anyone the success of losing weight at any time, but I wonder why I am 6 months post-partum and I still can't even fit into my old clothes. When the weather turns cold here, I am going to have to go shopping just to get some tops and pants that fit. I don't know what to do anymore. I really am getting depressed about the lack of a weight loss. I don't know where to turn. I am working out an hour 3 days a week. I'm not sure that with working full-time and taking care of Ethan I can increase that at all.

Disgust. I am disgusted with myself. I'm disgusted that I have 30 pounds to lose, and Ethan is already 6 months old. At this rate, I'll never lose the weight, and I certainly won't lose it very easily over the holidays. I'm disgusted that I signed Ethan up for swim classes at the YMCA and I know that I will be the biggest Mom there. I'm disgusted that all of my lingerie doesn't fit, and I don't even feel like buying anything new because I hate the way I look. I'm disgusted that I'm the fattest mommy at Ethan's daycare class. I'm disgusted because no matter what I tell myself, I continue to get on the scale every single morning and let it rule my mood for the day.

Fear. I'm afraid that I will never lose the weight. I'm afraid that I won't ever be able to buy cute clothes again. I'm afraid that my husband isn't attracted to me anymore. I'm afraid that I am an embarrassment to him at my current weight. I'm afraid that I'm not as outgoing or confident as I once was. I'm afraid because I don't know where to turn. I'm afraid because I feel like I'm at the point where I will do or try just about anything to lose weight.

I wish I had a support system...someone to work out with, to encourage me with my diet, to praise my smallest achievements and to boost me up when I have setbacks. Joe is a wonderful husband and very understanding, but lately our lives are so busy with work and with Ethan that I feel like I come last. He rarely tells me I look nice anymore, and to be honest, that's because I probably don't. I've been wearing the same clothes over and over all summer long because I don't want to buy more "fat" clothes and my old clothes don't fit. I just don't feel good about myself so how could I expect him to?

I hate the way I look, I hate the mirror, I hate the scale. Other than that, I'm just great today.

Worry

I think I am the world's biggest worrier. I worry if I have nothing to worry about. I think I inheritied this trait from my father, and our worries continue to keep both of us up at night. I lie awake playing and replaying scenarios out in my head, or going over and over the figures in our budget, desperately seeking answers that always seem to elude me at 3 a.m. Here is an abbreviated list of things I am currently worrying about:

1. Will Ethan get the Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease that is going around his daycare classroom? How bad will it be?
2. Will I get above-mentioned disease from Ethan?
3. How are we going to make it to next Friday (payday) with the money that's left in our account?
4. How come Ethan isn't sitting up completely unassisted yet?
5. What is causing the few spots of contact dermatitis on Ethan's arm?
6. How come Ethan is worse on the new reflux medicine than he was on the old medicine?
7. How are Joe and I going to pay a $3,000+ dental bill before the interest-free period runs out?
8. Will Ethan hate the swim class I signed him up for?
9. Are my parents ever going to sell their house in Florida?
10. When is my sister-in-law going to have her baby? (She is 3 days overdue)
11. Will Joe be late AGAIN tonight?
12. How come I am trying so hard and I'm not losing any weight?
13. How are Joe and I going to continue to afford our commutes with the cost of gas going up and up and up?
14. Where am I going to find the money to buy new doors for my house and a new window that my Westie broke? And oh yeah, new carpet for the family room since that same Westie ripped it all up. He was mad at the man mowing our lawn. Bad man!
15. Did Ethan feel warm this morning, or was it my imagination?

On an intellectual level, I know that worrying about most of these things won't change them or make them go away, but on an emotional level, I just can't help worrying. It's my nature. Joe is the total opposite; he goes with the flow. At times, he gets so annoyed with me because I always have to be worrying about SOMETHING. This week, he forbade me to look at the February 2005 board on BabyCenter because I always get upset when I see all the other babies sitting up or trying to crawl. He tells me not to compare Ethan to other babies, but isn't that human nature?? I know I should enjoy my son and not rush him to grow up so quickly. That kind of thinking lasts for one minute before the emotional side takes over and the worrying begins again.

I have analyzed why I feel the need to worry all the time. It's not like it's a FUN thing to do. I think it's because worrying makes me feel more in control of a situation. Like, if I play out all kinds of scenarios in my head, I will have somehow prepared myself for whatever comes my way. Giving up the worries means giving up my sense of control. I want to stop worrying about the insignificant things, the things I can't change, the things I have no control over, but HOW?

Turning 30

Well, I'm now officially 30. And it's not so awfully bad. This year is going to be a great one because:

• My second nephew is due to arrive August 23
• My first nephew will turn 2
• My parents will (HOPEFULLY) be moving to Maryland
• Ethan will celebrate his first birthday
• I am resolved to lose 35 pounds before I turn 31
• Joe and I will celebrate 9 years of marriage
• I will get a bigger tax refund

I have so much to look forward to, and I feel incredibly blessed. I have spent so much time recently complaining about my life when I really am a lucky woman. So, cheers to turning 30!

Refreshed

I feel refreshed today, and it's wonderful. The weekend was the best one I've had in quite a long time. Ethan is feeling so much better (we just have 3 more days of the antibiotic), so we took him to the outlets for some shopping. He was so good the entire time and smiled at every lady who stopped to talk to him...FLIRT! On Saturday night, we had some friends over for drinks and some games (Taboo and Outburst). On Sunday, we went to Dave and Buster's with Joe's old boss and his fiancee, while one of Ethan's daycare teachers babysat for us. It felt wonderful for Joe and I to be out with another couple, and we didn't talk about work or Ethan. We had a great time playing the games and just hanging out...we really needed it. I think I can handle what the week might bring now.

My Mom is flying up this Friday night, and she is babysitting Ethan on Saturday so Joe and I can go out for my 30th (GULP) birthday. We are planning on having dinner at a nice seafood restaurant in the Inner Harbor and then seeing an IMAX movie. On Saturday morning, we are going to try to get Ethan's first professional pictures done. We tried when he was 3 months old and it was a disaster! Maybe Gramma can put a big smile on his face for the camera.

Now you all know that I just wouldn't be me if I wasn't worrying about something! So, today I visited a bulletin board for mothers of February 2005 babies. The more I read, the more paranoid I got that Ethan was just not developing on schedule or reaching the appropriate milestones on time! Some people's babies were starting to crawl or sitting up completely unsupported or getting up on all fours. Ethan sure isn't! He gets his butt in the air when he's on his tummy, and he can roll both ways, but he can't sit (he face plants or falls over to the side). I know that I should enjoy every second of his "baby" time, but I can't help worrying that he is behind! Worry, worry, worry....just goes hand in hand with being a mother. I am trying real hard to enjoy Ethan and realize that he will do things when he's ready, not when I am.

Silly Boy

I love this picture of my little man. He just looks like he is having so much fun!

White Flag

For now, I am waving my white flag in surrender. I can't take any more arguing with Joe over his job and the hours. My Mom sent me an e-mail with some motherly advice, and although it was a little tough to hear, I think she's got some valid points. In summary, her e-mail said this:

I am going to have to learn to be what every other mom has become: SUPER MOM.

I am going to have to be less vocal about Joe's hours even if I'm not
thrilled about them.

My husband has a good-paying job, he's good at what he does, he pays for our house, two cars, food, etc.

He is the primary breadwinner, like it or not.

Joe doesn't exactly like working all these long hours.

No matter how tired I am, I CAN find the strength to get through another day.

My son should not come between Joe and I, no matter what.

Joe and I should enjoy the time he IS home and not spend it arguing over when he ISN'T.

Marriage is a give and take, and unfortunately one person sometimes gives more than the other.

There were several other things she mentioned but those thoughts are basically the meat and potatoes of her e-mail. So, up goes my white flag, and I have vowed to TRY to be a little less vocal and argumentative with Joe about his job, and enjoy the time we do have together. We have also agreed to somehow find a babysitter at least once a month so that we can go out as a couple, and talk about work is strictly forbidden. Hopefully, that will help rekindle our relationship and bring us back together as a team.

I'm still yo-yo'ing with my weight. With Joe working so many hours last week, and me taking care of a sick baby, I hardly ate dinner at night and lost about 2 pounds. Along came the weekend and totally derailed me with pizza and frozen yogurt. On came 3 pounds. I made it to aerobics Monday night and plan on going at 6 a.m. before work tomorrow morning. My birthday is next weekend (the big 30!), and I KNOW that my co-workers are going to have cake for me, and we'll have cake on my actual birthday too. So even if I manage to lose a few pounds this week, I'll put them right back on next week. Up, down, up, down. I feel so hopeless. When I drop Ethan off at daycare, I look at the other Moms, and they all look so darn skinny and put together! How did they do it?? I still look 3 months pregnant and my son is almost 6 months old. My cousin is getting married in May, and I want to buy a gorgeous dress and look great! I wonder if I can lose 30 pounds by then, even with the holidays thrown in there to trip me up??