Money Can't Buy Me Love

Ethan's first Christmas...where do I begin? My brother and his family arrived from Massachusetts on Thursday and settled in with my parents, who live right down the street from us. On Friday evening, Joe and I put Ethan in his pajamas and then went to a state park a few towns over to look at the HUGE displays of lights they had set up. Of course, Ethan slept through the whole thing, but at least we were all together as a family.

We spent Christmas Eve with Joe's parents and his sister and family. They live about an hour away from us, but none of them had seen Ethan since Labor Day weekend. Joe has never really gotten along well with his family nor been all that close to them, but we are civil and usually manage to make the best of the times we do get together. When we began opening gifts, and I realized just how overboard they had gone, I felt a little sad. I know that seems strange to some people, but that is exactly how I felt. Money can't buy their grandson's love. Presents can't make up for the time that they are not spending with him, the smiles they haven't received, the milestones they've missed. I feel like the gifts are all "for show", to make them look like they are the world's greatest grandparents. Don't get me wrong, I know they love Ethan, but I wish they'd show it in other ways rather than in material things. Here is what they gave him:

• A little rack to hang things on for his room, with his name on it
• Shout Elmo
• Happy Ears Eeyore
• Tumble Time Tigger
• Fisher Price Laugh and Learn Puppy
• Chicco Bi-Lingual Talking Farm
• Talking Sponge Bob Square Pants
• So Much To Say Talking Blues Clues
• Pretend CD player with 3 "discs"
• A ball that plays music and says words
• $100 to Target for clothes
• A Tigger playmat (which he is way too big for!)

A few of these toys or just the gift card would have been PLENTY for them to give Ethan for Christmas. I wish I could trade in some of these toys and exchange them for more hands-on grandparents. I know that I need to accept that they are very different from my parents, but it's so hard. My Mom could tell you some of Ethan's quirks or what his different cries mean. My in-laws couldn't even tell me what daycare he goes to or what his favorite food is. I know that I can't change who they are, but it does bother me a bit. Now Joe and I are on the hunt for a nice toy box for all of the above-mentioned items!!!

Before the holiday weekend, I weighed 172. I gained back about 2.5-3 pounds, but I am back on track today. Hopefully it won't take too awfully long to lose those holiday pounds. I'd still like to make my goal of reaching 150 or 155 by the beginning of May.

All in all, it was a wonderful Christmas, and I found myself staring at Ethan countless times, thinking back to last year when we didn't even know if we were having a boy or a girl. Now I can't even begin to imagine life without him. He makes our family complete. He makes me a better person, and he makes me laugh like I've never laughed before. He truly made this Christmas the most magical one yet.

A Bad Start

This week is getting off to a bad start. First, my left ear is still all blocked up, and I am having a hard time hearing out of it. I started antibiotics for a middle ear infection on Friday, but they don't seem to be helping yet.

Second, Ethan is sick AGAIN. He spent the weekend coughing, sneezing, and wiping his snot all over his face. We gave him Little Colds and hoped for the best. He seems a bit better today, so I took him to daycare. I never imagined how many germs one little person could bring home. Something tells me that by the time the winter is over, I will have exhausted every last bit of my vacation time and sick leave.

Third, my weigh-in was a disaster, and I am doubting everything today. I put the scale in the spare bathroom last Tuesday. On Sunday morning, I got it out and it said 173.5. That would be a 1/2-pound loss since last Monday. I got on this morning, since today is, after all, my "official" weigh-in day. It said 175.5, which is a 1.5-pound gain since last Monday. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. When I did this diet several years ago, the weight came off much quicker and easier than it's coming off now. I feel like giving up...like giving in. Why should I fight so hard? I am wondering if the Zoloft I am taking is hindering my weight loss? I had an appointment on Friday with my doctor to discuss the Zoloft and how it is working, etc., but I had to cancel due to snow. It's rescheduled for next Monday. I would really like to try to wean off the Zoloft slowly as I am not one who really likes to take medicines in the first place.

I am frustrated, angry, exasperated, confused, and sad. I am annoyed that I have been faithful to the diet, and the weight is just hanging on. My short-term goal was to lose 10 pounds by Christmas. That goal seems so unattainable right now. My long-term goal is to lose 35 pounds by May or June. That goal just seems laughable.

Fourth, my period is due at the end of this week, and I feel like such a bitch. Lord help Joe if he just looks at me wrong this week. Maybe he's better off working a bunch of overtime!

Fifth, finances have gotten so incredibly tight with Christmas right around the corner. Joe tells me not to worry, that worrying about the money is his job. He assures me that he will have a nice check on the 23rd because of overtime, but I still worry. We have so many things to do to our house and no money to do it. Our dog cracked one of our windows last year, and we still haven't gotten it fixed. It is taped up with clear packing tape. Our carpets look like hell, our back door needs replacing, and oh yeah, we have a $3500 dental bill for all the work Joe needed to have done.

Friday...you're only 4 days away.

The Power of the Scale

How can an inanimate object hold so much power over my emotions? How can a piece of metal dictate my mood for the day? Why do I let it? When I began my weight-loss journey, I promised that I would only get on the scale once a week. I have failed miserably at keeping that promise. Yesterday, I weighed in at 174, a 1-lb. loss from last week. This morning, I hopped on the scale and saw 175.5!!!! What the hell???? How did I gain 1.5 pounds in 1 day?? I ate very healthy all day. Of course, my mood for the day is now completely shot. I begin to doubt the diet and whether it is working. How could I GAIN weight by eating the same way I've been eating to lose weight?

I am going to move the scale into our spare bathroom tonight. That way I don't see it every time I use our bathroom. If I want to weigh myself, I'd have to go get it. Rationally, I know that I shouldn't be weighing myself every day, but I'm afraid not to. I'm afraid that without seeing the number every day, I will actually fall off the wagon. I am afraid of the number I'll see on Monday morning since I've had no daily weigh-ins to give me a good "prediction". I due for AF at the end of next week, so I'm already dreading my next weigh-in.

Losing weight is so very difficult mentally. I think about it constantly. I'm so impatient watching the pounds come off so slowly even though I know it's healthier and that I'll probably keep the weight off longer. I look at my closet and long for the day when some of my old clothes fit. I'm trying to stay positive but it gets tough sometimes. Today is just one of the "tough" days.

Another Weigh-In

I can't believe I haven't blogged since last Monday...where has the time gone? Well, I lost a pound this week. I had hoped to lose a pound and a half, but hey, I'll take any loss at all! My short-term goal was to lose 10 pounds by Christmas. That leaves me about 3 weeks to lose 3 pounds. It sounds reasonable except that I have several upcoming Christmas events that will attempt to sabatoge my efforts. This Wednesday is my book club's Christmas party and gift exchange. On December 21, Ethan's daycare is having "Breakfast with Frosty", and on December 23, my office is having its annual Christmas party and gift exchange. Not to mention Christmas Eve at my in-law's house and Christmas dinner at my Mom's house. I do NOT want to gain back the 7 pounds I have worked so hard to lose. I hope to maintain the loss throughout the holidays.

I am so tired. It was nearly impossible to drag myself out of bed at 5:30 this morning. Joe came down with a nasty cold, and I came down with a not-quite-as-nasty cold. It seems that one of us has been sick since the beginning of October. I have a feeling that it's going to be a looooong winter with a child in daycare. One germ after another.

Starting Weight: 181
Current Weight: 174
Next Weigh-In: Monday, December 12