Update

I am still not sure what's up with my current cycle. I never got a + on the OPK. I stopped testing on Saturday (CD14). Joe and I dtd on CD7, 9, 10, 11, 13, and 14. We haven't dtd since, so if I have a short luteal phase, then we probably missed it this month. I am on CD18 today. I am not at all hopeful that we caught the egg. I feel like I don't really "know" when I'm O'ing. I thought the OPKs would help, but they only confused me more! Maybe temping isn't a bad idea?

I have gained back about 4 pounds of what I lost on Jenny Craig. Gotta love the holidays and my sheer lack of willpower! I am trying to get back on track, but it might not happen until after New Year's.

Ethan is sick again with a nasty cold that my brother's family brought with them from Massachusetts. Hopefully he gets over it quickly. He had a blast on Christmas though, and he kept saying "Wow" when he would open a gift and see what it was. He got a Geo Trax train set that he loves, a bunch of cars and trucks, and a suitcase for traveling with his name on it. Santa was good to him, that's for sure!

Not much else to report...I'm so discouraged about TTC. I know it will happen, but I feel like I am on a time schedule since I am 31 and will be 32 when the next baby is finally born, if I conceive pretty soon. I'm so impatient and I hate waiting once I set my mind to something.

Need Help in my TTC Journey!

I promise to update my blog soon, but first I need some help...Sabrina, this means you since you have so much TTC knowledge!! LOL

I am on my second cycle off BCP. My first cycle was 27 days, the second was 25 days. This cycle I decided to start using OPKs on CD9. I have been doing 2 OPKs per day: one around 1 p.m. and one in the evening between 7 and 10 p.m. I am on CD12 and I have not gotten a positive OPK yet. Does that seem right? Joe and I have bd'ed on CD7, 9, 10, and 11 so far. Should I keep using the OPKs and keep bd'ing every night until a few days after I finally do get a positive OPK? I need guidance!! I feel like a total newbie at the whole TTC process!

If I have another 25-day cycle, I would O around CD11 (yesterday), but I didn't get a positive OPK. If I have a 27-day cycle, I would O around CD 13, which is tomorrow, but I didn't get a positive OPK at all today. HMMM? What the heck? Insight anyone???

Feeling Blue

I'm blue and out of sorts the past few days. At last week's weigh-in, I was up 4.2 pounds! UGGH! I know I slipped big time during the long Thanksgiving weekend, but I didn't realize I had messed up THAT badly! It's been a rough week trying to get back on track, so I am not sure what tonight's weigh-in will bring. Hopefull, I am down at least a few pounds.

This was my first cycle TTC #2. My first cycle off the BCP was 27 days, so this cycle, we dtd on CD10, 11, 12, 13, 14, and 15. I have NO idea if (when) I ovulated. On Thursday night (CD15), I had a lot of twinges in my right side and some achy lower back pain, so I am not sure if that was when I ovulated. I HATE playing the guessing game. I didn't use any OPKs this cycle because it was only our first one. I plan on using them next cycle to try to pinpoint when I actually ovulate. I am not feeling at all hopeful about being pregnant this cycle. I foolishly had my hopes up because I wanted a Christmas BFP. I had dreams about telling my family on Christmas Day. I have ZERO symptoms right now. Not sure how long it would take to feel symptoms if I just ovulated on Thursday?

Now I remember how much I hate the whole TTC process...the way it screws with your mind and messes with your emotions. I hate the constant analyzing and obsessing over every little thing in the 2ww. I hate how you start each cycle with such a feeling of hope and then you end it with disappointment. I got pregnant with Ethan relatively quickly (6 months), and even those 6 months were a roller coaster. I wanted the second time around to be easy and more relaxed but I can see that it's not going to happen quite that way.

I am having an ugly Monday...I am tired, sad, and my face is broken out beyond belief. No amount of concealer could help me today! I am dreading weigh-in tonight and the number I will see on the scale. I am sad because my baby is almost 2.

Geesh, if you got this far, I commend you...what a depressing, pity party post! I'll be back when things start looking up!

Just Popping In

REAL quick update...

1. At November 13th's weigh-in, I was down 1.6 pounds. Last night, I was down .2 for a total of 18.2 pounds. Slowly but surely. I am a bit nervous about the holidays coming up, but I am trying to stay focused on how far I've come already.

2. J agreed that we could start TTC this month instead of waiting until February! I am almost done with AF, so we will give it a shot and hope for the best. I am still not sure what my cycles will be like off the pill since this was the first one and it was 27 days. Our plan is to dtd every other day from CD10 until CD20. We'll probably dtd every day on CD13, 14, and 15.

3. Ethan is just starting to get over a nasty cough and cold. He has been miserable, therefore making J and I miserable! Last night, I saw a glimpse of my happy little boy, and I'm hoping to see more of him tonight. He has learned a ton of new words in the past month or so including:

---Pretzel
---Cookie
---Book
---Outside
---I see you
---Not nice
---Nice
---Cookie
---firetruck
---tractor

These are on top of all the other words he knows. Many of them are only understood by Mommy, but they are words nonetheless! In only a few short months, I will be the mother of a 2-year old....AAGGHH!!!

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!

Guilt and a Little Eye-Opening Too

I feel guilty, I admit it. Since I went off the pill, I have been wanting to have sex more often than we used to. This is because I absolutely want to get pregnant! Joe is on his way home from work, and he was yawning, so I asked him if he was too tired to have sex. He immediately said that I only wanted to have sex because I want another baby. He didn't say it in a mean way; he was simply matter-of-fact about it.

Here's the funny thing though; in the process of going off the BCP to prepare for TTC #2, I truly have discovered how much I miss regular sex with my husband and how much closer I feel to him. Now that I am making more of an effort to have sex, I am realizing that it IS worth the effort, babymaking as a goal or not. So many times, I am just too tired or had a stressful day. When I am able to put all that aside and focus on J and I, things just seem to go so much smoother.

I am so hoping to get pregnant this time without months and months of trying. I'd like to conceive without all the months of getting AF and being disappointed. I know that I am probably setting myself up already for a bit of disappointment, but how do I prevent that? I am so incredibly ready for another child...how do I convince Joe that waiting a few more months is just too hard for me?? Have any of you been through this before? It seems like most of you have DH's who really pushed for Baby #2...I'm jealous of that attitude! LOL

Oh, in non-babymaking news, I was down .4 at Monday's weigh-in for a total of 16.4 pounds. I am back on track this week and have not snacked at all. I am hoping to be down at least another pound at my next weigh-in.

Not Much to Say

I didn't update last Monday, because I really didn't have a whole lot to say. Still don't. I was down .8 at last week's weigh-in which brought my total loss to 16 pounds. I know that I am up a little bit this week...I can tell by my home scale. I snacked too much this week, but I am getting back on track for this week. Hopefully, I only have a small gain that I can easily lose!

I am about halfway through my first cycle off BCP. I am feeling pretty good off them. I am hoping that my cycle is pretty regular. I really want to get pregnant soon, because I would love a summer baby this time. I am trying (probably not very successfully) not to put any pressure on Joe. He already knows how much I want to have another child. I think he does too, but that he's probably afraid to actually come right out and admit it, if that makes any sense.

Thinking about Baby #2 has led me to think a lot about the sex of a future child. I would be lying if I said I didn't want a little girl. There is something special about a mother/daughter relationship. I do so much with my Mom, and I would love to share that with a daughter of my own. On the other hand, having a little boy is incredible also! And with two boys, they would be able to play together and they'd be interested in similar things. I know that I will get what God wants me to have, and I will be content with that as long as the baby is healthy. But I definitely can't stop a little part of me from hoping for a girl!

The other thing I've been torn about is finding out the sex of the next one. We both did not want to know with Ethan, and it was wonderful and so exciting when I was pushing. We knew in a matter of minutes (okay, it was HOURS), we would finally know if "Little Bean" was a boy or a girl. Next time, I think I would like to know. I think I'd like to be able to tell Ethan that he is going to have a baby brother or sister. I'm not sure how Joe feels about finding out. I think he'll go along with whatever I want to do. I know I don't have to decide this now, but it's something to think about!

Wow...this whole post was about TTC Baby #2...can you tell how ready I am??? LOL

Moving Right Along

Last night was weigh-in, and I was down another 1.8 pounds. That brings my total loss to 15.2 pounds in 9 weeks. I am feeling so much better both mentally and physically, and I know that losing the weight will make my next pregnancy easier on my body. I feel so much more confident and full of energy that I just didn't have before. Shopping is enjoyable again, and now there are more things in my closet that are too big rather than too tight.

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Joe and I are still attending weekly counseling sessions, and they seem to be helping tremendously with the way we are communicating with one another. We are going to continue with counseling until the end of the year, and then re-evaluate with our counselor where we are and if we need to continue further.

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Ethan is doing GREAT! He has had some cranky days recently because all 4 molars are breaking through at once. He is becoming a little comedian. On Saturday, my parents, Joe, Ethan, and I were all eating lunch at a restaurant. I told Ethan "You haven't even touched your sandwich". He looked up at me and then reached out and touched the top of his sandwich with the tip of his index finger! Little smartass! We all just started laughing so hard.

He is learning more and more words all the time. He still hasn't combined words into any kind of sentence, but he now repeats so much of what he hears. I took him to a craft show over the weekend and as we were walking around, he was saying "Beep Beep" to anyone who got in his way. I find it hard to believe that in just a few months, he will be 2. He is my ray of sunshine on even the darkest days, and I just love him to death.

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I am so anxious to TTC again. Lately, I seem to be thinking about it all the time. As much as I want another child, I am so afraid that I won't have enough love or attention for 2 children. Could I love another child as much as I love Ethan? I know these worries are normal, but they are still niggling in the back of my mind.

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Feeling Blue

I am feeling so down this week, mostly due to PMS. My Mom forwarded me an e-mail from her friend, G. I was best friends with G's daughter in high school and part of college. We lost touch, but my parents have remained friendly with her parents. Anyway, she had a little boy in August of 2004, and the e-mail said that she was pregnant again. I should be happy, right? WRONG! Instead, I am so jealous! A year ago, I would have been completely thrilled that it wasn't ME that was pregnant, and now I am WISHING it was me.

I know that it (hopefully) won't be long before I am pregnant again. I am done with the pills and waiting for AF. I know I won't be able to talk Joe into TTC seriously before February, but maybe we'll get lucky and it will just "happen". I doubt it, but you never know. My sex drive is usually much higher when I'm not on the pill, so our sex life should change a bit from how it's been lately.

This month's PMS has been so tough. I've had bad headaches and terrible mood swings. YUCK! It will be interesting to see how long it takes for my cycles to regulate. I was pretty regular coming off the pill when we were TTC Ethan, so I am hoping for the best.

I'll be back when I have some more positive things to share!

Super Quick Update

• Lost .8 this week. A bit disappointed, but a loss is still a loss. Total loss is now 13.4 pounds.
• Ethan is better. I don't think he had Hand, Foot, and Mouth since he never got any blisters.
• Joe was in a car accident on Friday morning in our Saturn...$2,000 worth of damage. The car is going in to be fixed on the 23rd. Joe, thank God, was not hurt.
• No more BCP for me! I am due to get AF sometime this week, and then I will begin monitoring my cycles in the hopes of getting pregnant soon. I hope it just "happens" between now and February (when we decided to really TTC).
• I am participating in a memorial walk this Saturday for Lacie, my co-worker's daughter who passed away from Tay-Sachs disease at just 18 months. It will be 1 year on October 23rd since she became an angel. You can read her story at www.geocities.com/ourprincesslacie.
• Gotta run!

Good News and Bad News, Part II

First the bad news...Daycare called and Ethan was running a fever of 102.3. Three children in his classroom have been confirmed to have Hand, Foot, and Mouth. He can't go back to daycare until he is fever-free for 24 hours so that would be tomorrow at noon at the very earliest. I work on a government contract, which just changed hands on October 1, meaning I have no paid time off for the first 3 months (until I accrue it). I will either have to find a way to make up my time or take leave without pay. Ethan is sleeping right now after a dose of Motrin.

The good news...I passed the kidney stone (at least part of it!!). I haven't been straining my urine because I'm all out of strainers. Who knew I'd be straining urine for 6 freakin' weeks??? When I got home with Ethan, I went to the bathroom. Awhile later, I went again, and there was a little hard stone caught down there. Not sure if it's all of it or a part of it. I already am feeling less pain and pressure down there, so I'm hoping that was all of it!!!!!!!!

Good News and Bad News

Okay, the bad news first...I am so horribly miserable from this kidney stone!!! I feel like I have to pee ALL the time, and I am getting twinges of pain off and on most of the day. My urologist appointment is tomorrow morning, and I am PRAYING that she doesn't tell me that we should still "wait it out". The damn thing has been causing me problems for 6 weeks now...I highly doubt it's going to come out all of a sudden.

On to the good news...at last night's weigh-in, I was down 3 pounds! That means I am down another 2.5 pounds after figuring in last week's 1/2-pound gain. My total loss for the last 7 weeks is 12.6 pounds!! YAY ME!!!!!!!!

More good news: On Sunday night, Joe said that he agrees that getting rid of my BCP is a good idea. I have 5 more pills in this pack and then I will stop. We agreed that for the next several months, we will not be actively TTC but we will not be preventing. If I get pregnant, I get pregnant. If not, we will TTC more aggressively once Ethan turns 2. I am happy that he brought the subject up without any prodding from me. I am happy that he truly gave it some thought and made the decision without pressure on my part. And, of course, I am happy that we will be TTC soon! I hope I can continue to lose some weight during our "not trying, but not preventing" months!

Bummed Out

So at my weigh-in last night, I discovered I had gained 1/2 pound. If I knew why, I probably wouldn't be upset but I just can't figure it out. I know it's only 1/2 pound, but it feels like a setback. I know I need to just move on and continue following the plan, but man, do I feel depressed about it!!!

My kidney stone is STILL there...I'm beginning to think it's settling in for the winter! LOL I'm having pain off and on, some days worse than others.

That's all the update I have time for right now!!

We Had the Talk

I talked to Joe and told him how I was feeling. I emphasized that I was in no way trying to pressure him into TTC#2 right NOW...just that I thought it would be a good idea to stop taking the BCP a few months before we started actively TTC. He listened very openly, and we discussed all of our fears about having a second child. It was a great conversation! I just started taking a pack of BCP, so I told him to think about it and we would talk about it again when I was just about done with this pack. I do think he'll agree that it's a good idea for me to go off them, but if he doesn't, then I'll have to be okay with it as it is a joint decision. Thanks for all of your advice!!!!

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I had yet another test done yesterday to locate the stubborn kidney stone, which I have since named ROCKY! I had dye put into my body by IV and then had a series of x-rays taken. The test took about an hour total. The radiologist who read the x-rays thinks that the stone is at the juncture of my ureter and the bladder. My urologist should get the report in 2 days and maybe have a better idea if she still thinks the stone will pass or if we need to take more aggressive measures.

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At Monday's Jenny Craig weigh-in, I was down 2 pounds for a total of 10.2 pounds in 5 weeks. I did splurge a bit on lunch yesterday since I hadn't had anything to eat or drink after midnight and I was STARVING! But I am back on track today and hoping for at least another pound gone by next Monday's weigh-in.

Thinking...

I have been thinking a lot lately about TTC Baby#2. Joe and I had agreed to wait until Ethan turned 2, and I still think that is a good plan (for the most part). I really would like to go off the pill now so that my cycles could become regulated before we seriously started TTC. If I happened to get pregnant right away, my due date would be around July or August. Ethan would then be 28 months old. If we wait until Ethan turns 2, I wouldn't have the baby until Ethan was 3 or older (depending on how long it takes to get pregnant).

Joe and I wanted Ethan and Baby #2 to be 2 1/2 to 3 years apart, so my feeling is that I should go off the pill and have a couple months to regulate my cycle. The hard part? Talking to Joe about this! I wish sometimes he could read my blog! LOL

You see, Joe was never one of these men who just couldn't wait to have children. He had a very rough childhood and he never wanted to make any of the mistakes that his parents made. I know he was extremely tentative about fatherhood. He isn't the type who tears up or goes crazy over a newborn baby. Don't get me wrong: he adores Ethan and he loves being his daddy, but I am not sure how he feels about a second child. We've always agreed to have 2 because we feel it's so important for Ethan to have a sibling, but I know he's scared.

I'm scared too. I'm scared that I won't be able to handle 2 small children. I'm scared that we won't be able to handle it financially. I'm scared to gain weight again and have another high-risk pregnancy. I'm scared that our house is too small for 2 children. The list goes on and on. Even though I'm scared, I am also excited about bringing another child into our family and sharing our lives as a family of 4. I am excited to watch Ethan and his little brother/sister play together.

I feel like I don't want to wait 5 months before I even go off the pill. I am 31. Although that's not all that old, I know that pregnancy is harder on your body the older you get. I'd like to avoid having gestational diabetes and high blood pressure and bed rest. I'm trying very hard to lose weight, hoping to be down to a reasonable weight by February.

Any advice for me? Should I suck it up and wait until February to go off the pill since that was the original "plan"? Or should I try to talk to Joe and convince him that I should go off the pill now?

Anyone Want a Kidney Stone?

It seems that 3 weeks after my initial bout of horrible pain, the kidney stone is enjoying the comfort and warmth of my body! I had a follow-up appointment with the urologist today, and she believes that the stone is still there. I feel like I have to pee all the time, and it's so uncomfortable. She assured me (yet again) that the stone will pass on its own. I believed her 2 weeks ago, but now I'm not so sure! If I don't pass it soon, I need to go have an IVP, where they inject dye into you and watch it go through your kidneys and urinary system. This will give the doctor the exact location of the stone. I've had 2 of these tests before, and they are no picnic. So please, let's all pray for the stone's peaceful passing!!

After 4 weeks on Jenny Craig, I am down 8.2 pounds. I feel much better about myself, and my clothes are all fitting much looser.

I am really starting to get the craving to TTC Baby #2. Joe and I agreed to wait until Ethan turned 2, so I won't push things, especially since I am trying to lose a lot more weight before getting pregnant again. Ethan will be 2 in 5 months, so it's really not all that far off. I get so excited when I think about TTC again and bringing another little one into our family.

19 Months Old

To My "Little Man",

You will be 19 months old tomorrow.

19 months...gone in what seems like the blink of an eye. I remember when I was pregnant with you, a friend of mine gave me a pregnancy countdown clock. Every morning, I would look at it and see that I was one day closer to meeting you and holding you. The time seemed to drag on and on as I waited impatiently. Now I long to make time stand still. You have become my little boy, instead of my baby.

I love all of the things you are learning every day. You squeal in delight when you see a school bus. You are learning to climb and to run (especially when you see Gramma coming down the street!). All summer you helped Gramma water her flowers (although I think you ended up being wetter than the flowers!). You love Elmo, Pepper, Grampa, drinking out of straws, balls, playing outside, and being chased. You love your blankie and your blue elephant. You absolutely adore rough-housing with Daddy. You laugh when someone chases you and when you're caught doing something naughty.

You have learned so many words. At 19 months, these are the words you can say:

Momma
Dada
Gramma
Grampa
Pepper
Puppy
More
Juice
Night-Night
Aba (that's what you call your blankie)
I Love you
Thank you
Please
Water
Baby
Bus
Car
Help
No
Yeah
Hello
Bye-Bye
Diaper
Oh-no
Uh-oh
Eeew
Raining
Poop
Wet
Light
Hot
Hat
Eyes
Hot Dog
Bubbles
Roni (for macaroni)
Up
Apple
and probably a few more that I can't think of

Your personality is showing more and more everyday. You now know that you are funny and that you can make people laugh. You get frustrated when something doesn't go your way, but heck, don't we all?? You give kisses and hugs, and you are so good at sharing your Fruit Loops with your friends at daycare.

I can't even begin to explain how lucky I feel to be your Mom. In the past 19 months, you have taught me patience. You have taught me that it's okay for the house to be messy. You've made me laugh until I couldn't breathe. You've brought me such incredible joy, simply by being you.

Happy 19 months Ethan!

Wonderful News!

All of Mom's biopsy results came back benign!!!!!!!!!!! No sign of cancer! They think that one of the spots was a cyst with a fatty center, and the other seems to be a clogged milk duct. She has to go have an ultrasound in March to check on the one spot, just to make sure that it hasn't grown at all. If it's still there, she will probably have it removed to avoid any future problems with mammograms, etc. Needless to say, we are all thrilled and relieved!
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I had my third weigh-in Monday night at Jenny Craig. I was down 1.8 pounds for a total of 6.6 pounds in 3 weeks. I am really doing (surprisingly!) well at sticking with the plan, and my clothes are feeling MUCH better. I still have a long ways to go, but this is a great start.

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The kidney stone hasn't passed yet (that I know of). I had an x-ray yesterday, and it looked like the stone was in my bladder. I have a follow-up appointment with the urologist next Thursday. She assured me that the stone was small enough to pass on its own.

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I have a lot more I wanted to post about, but it's getting late so I'll save it for another day!

More OUCH!

I still have not passed the kidney stone. I have been having intermittent pain since last Wednesday. Ibuprofen seems to help most of the time, but last night I had to take a Percocet. I have an appointment tomorrow with a urologist; I have no idea what the next step is. I am not sure if they will still wait it out, hoping the stone will pass on its own or whether they will want to do another CT scan to see what's going on.

My mother is currently undergoing an aspiration biopsy on her left breast. Once the procedure is done, she will immediately have a mammogram to see if the areas of concern have changed at all. If the spots are still there, she will be scheduled for a more invasive biopsy. I should know more tonight about what's going on.

Our trip to New England went well, despite my kidney issues. We enjoyed spending time with my friends Ashley and Mike and their daughter Lindsay, who is 3 months older than Ethan. My nephew's 1st birthday party was a big hit, and my extended family loved Ethan and seeing how much he has changed.

I had my 2nd weigh-in at Jenny Craig on Monday evening, and I am down another 1.2 pounds for a total of 4.8 pounds. I am incredibly proud of myself for sticking with the plan while I was away and for resisting all the temptations of the birthday party.

I'll update later when I hear from my Mom.

OUCH!

I had my first experience with a kidney stone when I was 16 years old. It was one that I prayed I would never have to go through again. My mom took me to the ER where they put dye in my kidneys and immediately diagnosed the problem. I passed the stone and life went on as normal.

Fast forward a few years to my freshman year in college. In the middle of a math class, I started having severe pain and cold, clammy sweats. I left class and ran to throw up. Turns out I had another kidney stone.

13 years later...and here we are again. I woke up about 2 a.m. with some cramping and back pain. I took an Ibuprofen and went back to sleep. This morning, I still wasn't feeling quite "right" but I headed off to work as usual. After being at work for a bit, the pain came back and I kept getting the cold sweats. A few times I felt like I was going to pass out, and then I ended up vomiting twice. My Mom came and got me and we went to the Urgent Care facility. My urine culture showed blood, so they sent me to the hospital for a CT of my kidneys. Sure enough, there is a 3mm stone stuck in my left ureter! Some urine is backing up into the kidney. They assured me that it would pass on its own, but in the meantime, I am on an antibiotic to prevent any infection, and I have some Percocet if I have another "attack". I am supposed to follow up with a urologist when I come back from Massachusetts.

Having Ethan was easier than having a kidney stone!

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Mom had her consultation with the breast surgeon yesterday. He did a VERY thorough breast exam and he could not feel anything. However, since the mammogram and ultrasound both showed something was indeed there, she is scheduled for a biopsy next Wednesday. He did say though that in "his opinion", he did not think they were looking at a malignancy. We are all holding onto that hope, and we hope the biopsy is negative. Please continue to keep her in your prayers.

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I think I have lost 1/2 pound since weigh-in on Monday, but I'm not totally sure. I hope that I don't slip up too much while I'm away this weekend. To answer Sabrina's question, Jenny Craig costs me about $100 per week, but that is all my meals and snacks. We have cut back on how much we order takeout or eat out, so I think we'll break even. Right now, I have to do what I have to do in order to lose this weight!

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Have a great Labor Day weekend everyone!

A Step in the Right Direction

I had my first Jenny Craig weigh-in, and I am down 3.6 pounds! I am finding it fairly easy to stick to the plan, and the food is actually really good! We are going away this weekend for my nephew's birthday party, so I am nervous about how I am going to handle the diet while on "vacation". I just need to keep a positive outlook and remember WHY I am spending all this money and working so hard!

My Mom had to reschedule her consult with the breast surgeon to today at 2 p.m. My Dad took the day off to go with her. After today, she'll probably have a date for the biopsy. She is still hanging in there and keeping a positive attitude.

I think Ethan has entered the terrible two's early!!! I was reading in "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" that 18-24 months is actually a very rough time. Ethan is constantly testing J and I and doing things he knows he shouldn't. We're firm and consistent, which seems to be working (for now!).

Had another counseling session yesterday. We have a long way to go, but the sessions are so eye-opening and helpful in seeing each other's point-of-view. I know only good things can come out of the counseling.

Back to work....

Life

No news to report on my Mom as her consultation is this Thursday. I want to thank all of you for your prayers and for your encouraging comments left here. It helps to know that there are others out there who know breast cancer survivors and success stories.

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I joined Jenny Craig yesterday, so I had to laugh when I saw Sheri's blog entry about her "before Jenny" photo! I had mine taken yesterday and it was NOT a pretty sight. I need to have some structure in order to lose this weight, and I have little to no time to prepare meals, so Jenny Craig seemed like a good, albeit expensive, option. I am going to try it for 6 weeks and see how the plan fits with my schedule and my budget. I hope to be down about 12 pounds at the end of those 6 weeks. My goal is to lose 30 pounds. Not only am I unhappy with my appearance and the effect it is having on my self-confidence, I need to lose this weight before TTC Baby #2. I had GD with Ethan, and I was told that I will most likely have GD with any subsequent pregnancies. If I am at a healthy weight and eating a healthy diet when I get pregnant, I am hoping that I can avoid the GD and the 55+ pounds I gained with Ethan.

I am excited about this, but also scared of failure. I have lost and regained so much weight over the years that starting something new and putting your faith in the plan and yourself is tougher and tougher each time. Each time you fail, you fall a little farther and feel even more like a loser. I am trying to take one meal at a time.

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J and I have had our 4th counseling session. We have lots of work ahead of us, but we are both discovering things about ourselves that we didn't necessarily acknowledge before. As long as we can afford it, we will continue to work on our relationship with the counselor and hopefully put some of our issues to rest for good.

________________

I started taking the Zoloft again as of last Friday. It's too soon to see a difference, but I am hoping it can help me gain control of my worry and horrible anxiety. I go back in a few weeks for a follow-up appointment...will keep you posted.

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Ethan is fabulous! He is my shining star! He just turned 18 months and his personality is emerging more and more every day. I think J and I have a comedian on our hands and a real "ham"! Every day, I discover more joys of motherhood.

That's it in a nutshell!

Small Update

My Mom has an appointment next Thursday with a breast surgeon to discuss how the breast will be biopsied. According to the copy of the ultrasound report she received, there are 2 areas of concern, both in the left breast. She has lots of questions for the breast surgeon based on what the report says. She is handling all of this remarkably well, and she is determined to absorb one step at a time before moving on to the next. She refuses to look ahead or to think long-term because it is just too scary and overwhelming. My aunt told her that the only way she got through two bouts with breast cancer was to take one step at a time, so that's what she is doing.

It will probably be a few weeks before we know the results of her biopsy and what treatment is next. In the meantime, we are all trying to stay positive and focus on the here and now. Please continue to keep her in your prayers.

Worry of a Different Kind

Mom just e-mailed me and told me that her mammogram yesterday was abnormal in the left breast. The film picked up something behind the nipple, and they sent her for an ultrasound. The ultrasound does show something there that needs further testing.

Her primary care physician should receive the ultrasound report no later than this Thursday morning. Then she will know what additional testing she will need to undergo. She will most likely have a biopsy to find out if it is breast cancer.

*Deep Breath*

My aunt (my mom's sister) has had breast cancer twice: first diagnosis was at the age of 44. At that time, she had a lumpectomy and radiation. The cancer reoccurred in the other breast when she was 52. This time, she opted for a double masectomy with breast reconstruction surgery. She has been cancer free for 3 years now.

I know that breast cancer is not a death sentence. My Mom has been very vigilant about having her yearly mammograms, especially because of her sister's diagnosis. She has always been terrified that she will be next. I am so scared for her, and for me too. If she has breast cancer, then my chances of eventually getting breast cancer are increased.

Please pray that my Mom's tests show that whatever is behind the nipple is harmless. If it isn't, please pray that she will have the strength and support she needs to endure whatever treatment is deemed necessary.

An Angel

Dylan James Manning received his wings yesterday, August 2. He is finally at peace and doing all the things he was unable to do here on Earth. Please pray for his family during this difficult time, that they may receive strength and healing from the Lord.

I've never met you in person, Dylan, but I feel like I know you, from everything I've heard about you from Lisa, Lacie's Mom. You fought an incredible fight, but now it's your time to run and play with all of the Tay-Sachs angels who have been called home before you.

JUST BELIEVE
http://www.djsfoundation.org/intro.htm

Sick Again

Yup, my little boy is sick again. Last week, he came down with a cold. After a few days, he seemed to be having a bit of trouble breathing, so I took him to the pediatrician. He was diagnosed with an ear infection, sinusitis, and croup and put on an antibiotic as well as a steroid to help open up his airways. Today marks a week on the medications, and he really isn't much better. To top it off, Sunday night and last night, he threw up in his crib sometime during the night. Boy does that make for a nice surprise for Mommy in the morning! I think that he probably has so much post-nasal drip and congestion that it's making him feel sick.

I called the pediatrician back today and told him that Ethan really wasn't much better after a week on the antibiotic. He still has very thick, yellow snot and a terrible cough. The doctor is calling in a different antibiotic that he is to take for 2 more weeks. So 3 weeks on medicines...poor kid. Everyone (family, co-workers, friends) keeps reassuring me that the first 2 years in daycare are horrible and that once Ethan starts school, he will be sick much less often because he'll be immune to so much. I HOPE so! I feel like my little guy is always sick!

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I am on Day 2 of eating healthier and exercising. I spend yesterday's and today's 30-minute lunch break walking on the treadmill and reading a book. I have kept my calories low and my meals and snacks healthy. When I think about long-term, I get discouraged, so I am trying to think "one day at a time, one meal at a time".

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Joe and I had our second counseling session yesterday. It went well, but we have a lot of work to do to truly get back the closeness that we both want. I am confident that we can do it though.

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Money is still tight and my skin is still bad. Hey, you can't win 'em all, right?

Beware of the Pity Party

If you're not into other people's pity parties, I suggest you stop reading now. This post is going to be a doozy. I am not sure where to begin. It's Sunday night about 11 p.m. I should be in bed fast asleep because the alarm seems to ring even louder than usual on Mondays at 5:45 a.m. Instead I'm a sobbing mess, thinking about the person I've become and wondering how I got here.

Growing up, I was always a planner, but never a compulsive worrier. Since giving birth to Ethan, I find myself living a life full of worry, anxiety, and fear. If I have a pain in my pelvic area, I just "know" that I have ovarian cancer. If I have a pain in my breast (as I do at the moment, and it's probably just related to my cycle), I have diagnosed myself with breast cancer. If I hear sirens and Joe is running errands, I hold my breath until I hear his voice on the cell phone. I worry from the time I wake up to the time I finally fall asleep at night. Back in October, I saw my primary care doctor and we discussed this. I went on Zoloft for about 3 months and then (stupidly) decided I didn't need it anymore because I was feeling better. What did I THINK was making me feel better in the first place??

These irrational feelings, while seeming incredibly real to me, have been causing some problems with my marriage, coupled with some other issues dating back many years. Joe and I are now seeing a counselor to try to figure out how to solve some of these problems. I love Joe more than anything. He is an amazingly caring person and the support he gives me is so unconditional. However, I can only imagine how difficult it is living with a woman who is constantly bringing him down with her fears and anxiety about everything in life. I truly am sucking the life out of our marriage. All I want is to feel "whole" again...to wake up in the morning and feel like I can breathe, to feel like there isn't an enormous burden sitting on me and pushing me down.

On top of the anxiety and fear are my feelings about my weight. I have ALWAYS had issues about my weight, ever since I was very young. In middle and high school, I was on the swim team and worked out constantly, so I was about 125 at 5'4". Even then, I thought I was chunky compared to many of my friends. In college, I gained more than the Freshman Fifteen, and so I weighed about 150 when I got married in 1997. I fluctuated throughout the first 5-6 years of my marriage between 140 and 170. I would try a new diet and lose weight. Joe was stationed in Korea for a year, leaving me in Maryland alone, and I would lose weight. I'd have an event I needed to look good for, and I'd lose some weight. When I got pregnant with Ethan, I was about 165. I gained 55 pounds with him, mostly (I feel) because I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes. The lowest I've been able to get down to since having Ethan (17 MONTHS AGO!) is 168. I am currently at 175 after having 2 weeks of bingeing and eating everything I felt like. I begin a new "plan" tomorrow, one that includes calorie counting and walking the treadmill for 25 minutes during my lunch hour. I am hopeful that I can soon get down to 165 again, with my ultimate goal being 150.

I highly doubt that Joe is attracted to me the same way he was 10 years ago. Does he love me? I'm sure of it. But I want to be the woman he married again. I want to feel like ME again. I want to love myself again, because how can HE love me if I don't love me? I can only hope and pray that he has the patience to stick this out with me while I figure it all out. Some days, I feel like a shadow of myself, like the old Laura is gone and the new me is someone I just don't like. I am praying that getting my eating under control, exercising, and seeing the counselor will pave the way for finding the "real" me.

I have always had bad skin...something I've been forever embarrassed about. I've probably tried every single concealer on the market. I found Proactiv and it has worked pretty well. Thing is, I have gotten lazy about using it and now my face is a MESS. Just another thing making me feel ugly. I know how to fix it, but I also know it won't happen overnight. Why are the most rewarding things also the hardest to stick with?

Money is tight lately. Joe and I both work full time because we simply need the money. We are by no means struggling, but things have gotten tight lately, and we've had to dip into our savings account. We need to sit down and figure out where the extra spending is taking place and how we can cut it. Again, just another thing making me feel so out of control.

As I sit here and I read over this post, I am ashamed. I am ashamed that I spent 20 minutes writing about my "pathetic" life when there are others in the world clinging to any shred of hope that their loved one will pull through whatever hardship they are facing. As I sit here typing, I think about my friend Lisa who lost her 18-month old daughter to Tay Sachs disease. What would she give to have "anxiety" issues or a weight problem? My neighbor passed away today, after losing her husband in January. And yet I complain about money, bad skin, such trivial things.

Before I came downstairs to write this post, I stood beside Ethan's crib for 10 minutes, tears rolling down my face. He is the most perfect thing I've ever done in my entire life. Looking at him takes my breath away. This little person, who is now learning to talk (and hit and bite!) is incredible proof that somewhere along the way, I have done something so very right. And no matter what it takes, I promise him that his mommy is going to get healthy, both physically and mentally. He deserves that and so much more.

I've Been Tagged

Thanks Deanne for tagging me!

5 things in my refrigerator:
1. Hot dogs (Ethan loves 'em!)
2. Leftover pasta salad
3. 2 cottage cheese doubles
4. Yo-Baby yogurt
5. Sugar-free Jello pudding

5 things in my closet:
1. Purses
2. A clothes-drying rack
3. Games (Taboo, Trivial Pursuit, etc.)
4. An old camera case
5. 2 laundry hampers

5 things in my purse:
1. Small address book
2. Calculator
3. An Epi-pen (I'm allergic to bees)
4. Tic Tacs
5. A mini hairbrush

5 things in my car:
1. Ethan's blankie (it goes EVERYWHERE!)
2. CDs
3. A set of "pretend" car keys for Ethan
4. Stroller
5. Sunglasses

There's no one left to tag! LOL

Shame on Me

I cannot believe that I haven't updated my blog in more than a month! The days seem to go by in a blur, and I am shocked to look at the calendar and see that it's July 11th! I definitely needed to get on here and record some of Ethan's milestones since I've been terrible about updating his baby book.

Ethan has changed so much since his 1st birthday on February 19th. At that point, I was a bit concerned because he wasn't pointing or waving or clapping his hands. He wasn't talking or even walking at that point. Boy have things changed! He is just about running all over the place now, and he "talks" non-stop! As of today, he can say:

Mama
Dada
Pepper (1 of our dogs)
Ampa (Grampa)
All Done
No (gotta love this one!)
Nana (banana)
Bubbles
Elmo (now he calls everyone Elmo!)
Boo-boo (mommy has one on her toe)
Stuck
Up
More
Ball
Ba-Ba (his blankie)
Ma (seems to be what he calls milk or juice)
Hot
Hat

His goofy personality is really starting to show. I took him to Dairy Queen for an ice cream and everytime he took a bite, he would scrunch up his face and pretend to "shiver". He tries all the time to sit on our dogs, and he just laughs when he does it. He also has a mind of his own and now has tantrums all the time when he doesn't get his way. I think the terrible two's start earlier than two! LOL Daddy took Ethan to the barber for his first "big-boy" haircut, and he looks so grown-up now. Sometimes I think about TTC baby #2 earlier than our original plan, but I know that Joe would NEVER go for it. I guess we'll be sticking with our plan of trying for #2 when Ethan turns 2. I would like for Ethan to be potty-trained before we have another baby in the house. It will be easier on me with less diapers to change and also much less expensive. I will work on potty-training Ethan between 2 and 3, probably while I'm pregnant.

I have been having a hard time mentally lately. Most of you remember that I joined WW back in March with my Mom. I had only lost about 7 pounds. For some reason, ever since I gave birth to Ethan, my body does not want to shed any weight. I have had my thyroid checked and that was normal so I am not sure what the heck is going on. I have had people tell me that gestational diabetes really messes with your metabolism so maybe that's the problem. I went away for July 4th weekend and I totally fell off the wagon and gained back a bit of the weight. I REALLY, REALLY need to lose about 25 to 30 pounds, and I need to lose it before getting pregnant with baby #2. For those of you who have lost weight, where do you find the motivation? The willpower? The time to exercise???

I'm honestly not trying to make excuses but here is what a typical day looks like for me...

5:45 a.m. Wake up
6:30 a.m. Wake Ethan up
7:00 a.m. Leave for work or daycare depending on who drops Ethan off
7:00-4:30 At work
4:30 Leave work
5:00 Arrive at daycare to get Ethan
5:15 Arrive home
5:30-5:45 Feed Ethan dinner
5:45-6:25 Play with Ethan and try to feed the dogs and clean up Ethan's dinner mess
6:25-6:45 Give Ethan a bath
7:00 Put Ethan to bed
7:00-7:30 Fix myself something for dinner, check mail
7:30-7:45 Clean up dinner, make lunch for following day

Where do I find time to exercise??? I have tried getting up at 5 a.m. to exercise before work and I just can't do it. Most nights, Joe doesn't get home until Ethan is already in bed. If I didn't need to pick Ethan up every day, I could stay after work and walk the treadmill for 30 minutes or so before heading home. But Joe's job is so unreliable and I NEVER know from day to day what time he might be coming home. I usually don't even get a phone call to let me know he's on his way home until at least 5:30 or 6:00. Any suggestions would be soooo appreciated! I am truly feeling miserable at the weight I am at (dare I admit that I am 5'4" and weigh 172 pounds?).

I went through some old clothes last night because we are having a yard sale soon. I found a bunch of summer clothes that I had "planned" to wear this summer since I had (stupidly) believed that I would have lost all my baby weight. I feel trapped in this body because of my schedule. I feel like a slave to the daily grind. My house is never clean because I just don't have the time to clean it. I'm lucky to keep up with laundry during the week so I don't have a massive pile on the weekends.

Can anyone help me organize my life???? LOL

The World of a Grownup

When did you first look around and realize that you had really, truly become a grownup? Was it when you graduated college and got your first apartment? Was it when you got married? Was it when you got your first "real" job, or when you had your first child? I'm not sure that I have ever felt truly grown up (even though I am 3 months shy of 31!) until last night. Joe and I spent 90 minutes discussing Certificates of Deposit, life insurance, and wills.

We came up with an "action" list of things we need to accomplish within the next few months:

1. Buy several Certificates of Deposit. We have a savings account that is earning a pitiful amount of interest. At the end of each year, we marvel at how we can both eat at McDonald's with the interest we've earned! So, we took most of the money out and invested it into two CDs with an 8-month term and an interest rate of 5%. At the end of the 8 months, we will reinvest it into another CD.

2. Joe has a life insurance policy through his job, but it is only payable upon death. I have one through my company as well, although it is a small one. In addition, I have a whole life insurance policy. We need to look into getting Joe and I both some term life insurance. We would also like a small policy for Ethan.

3. We do not have a will. Nor do we have a guardian named for Ethan. This bothers me because no one knows what tomorrow will bring, and Ethan is the most important thing in the entire world to Joe and I. We need to make absolutely certain that he will be loved and well cared for if something happens to us. We have decided to name my brother and his wife as his legal guardian, but it has not been put into writing.

Being a grownup is hard work. It means constantly thinking about what's best for your child and his/her future. Sometimes I look around and I am in awe of all that I have accomplished since graduating from college in 1996: I have been married for 10 years and have an incredible son. I own my own home and drive nice cars. I have a bit (although not a lot!) of money in the bank and a wonderful family! When I look around, I am amazed at how truly grown up I am. What happened? Why didn't I see it before? Is it because I'm just so young at heart?

I think about the fact that I am almost 31, and I get nervous about having another baby. Will I be able to get pregnant as easily as the first time? After all, we aren't planning on trying until Ethan is 2. Will I have more health problems getting pregnant at 31? Will the baby? I am leaving that all in God's hand for I have no other choice. Life is gamble, and part of being a grownup is being able to take that risk and accept the outcome.

Being a grownup is tough, but it means I get to experience all of the wonders of the world through my child's eyes. I wouldn't trade that for anything.

Has it really been this long?

I knew that it had been quite some time since I updated my blog, but I didn't realize it had been over a month! I have been so busy just keeping up with life these days. I'm not even sure quite where to start...

Ethan: He is doing GREAT! He had his 15-month checkup this past Tuesday, and he now weighs 22 pounds, 14 ounces and is 31 and 1/4 inches long. That puts him in the 30th percentile for weight and the 60th for height. He got three shots and took them like a champ! The nurse said he his hitting all of his milestones and wasn't concerned that he isn't saying very much. I know he's fine and that he'll talk up a storm when he's good and ready.

We've discovered that he has a peanut allergy. A few weeks ago, I gave him a bit of natural peanut butter on an English muffin. About 10 minutes later, he had 2 small hives on his upper lip, and his chin was broken out. The pediatrician said that Ethan can't have peanuts or peanut oil at all, and he gave us a prescription for 2 Epi-pen Jrs., one for home and one for daycare. There is only a 30% chance that he'll grow out of it as he gets older. I was upset about it because I know that it can be a difficult and dangerous allergy, but I am feeling better about it now. We'll handle this as a family, and it will get easier as Ethan gets older and knows what he needs to stay away from.

Ethan has been learning a lot of new things lately. He has started dancing and I think this child is going to be the next Taylor Hicks with his jerky, wacky dance moves! (Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Taylor Hicks, but his dancing leaves a lot to be desired!) Ethan learned "Uh-oh" and now he throws EVERYTHING on the floor just so he can say it. Of course, it's accompanied by a big grin. He also is trying to say "All done" and "Grampa". I am amazed every single day when I look at him. I am such a lucky woman and I never want to take that for granted.

ME: I am still doing Weight Watchers with my Mom, but things aren't going as well as I hoped they would. I lost 6 and 1/2 pounds pretty quickly, but I have been stalled for about a month now. No loss, but at least no gain. I know that I need to exercise, but I have NO time at all to squeeze it in. I need to buckle down and start keeping better track of my points. I'm glad I haven't gained, but I want to lose 20 more pounds before getting pregnant again next year, so I need to get my butt in gear!

I had a job interview this past Tuesday. A neighbor of mine told me about an opening at her company for an Administrative Assistant III for a department of about 45 people. I am content where I am but very bored and unchallenged, so I figured I might as well submit my resume. The interview went well, but the very top of the salary for the position is still $3,000 less than what I am currently making as an editor. They were supposed to let me know by the end of the week if they had made a decision, but I didn't hear anything today. I have talked it over with Joe and decided that I most likely wouldn't accept an offer anyway. I have incredible flexibility where I work now, and I would be hard-pressed to find that anywhere else. Because Joe works more than an hour from home and is often unreachable by phone, I need to be the parent with the flexible schedule, the one who can drop everything and pick up Ethan at daycare if he is sick.
I would still like to make a career move one day, but staying where I am is the best choice for our family right now.

This week has been a tough one for all of us because Joe has worked some crazy hours because of a big, high-profile project. I have felt a bit overwhelmed by working full-time and taking care of the house, 2 dogs, and Ethan. Hopefully, Joe will be around this weekend and we can all have some quality family time.

Mother's Day was wonderful and so different from last year when Ethan was just 3 months old. Ethan and Joe both gave me cards, and then we went out to lunch with my Mom and Dad. When Ethan got down from the high chair, it quickly became evident that Daddy had put his shoes on the wrong feet! LOL I got a sterling silver Tiffany necklace to match the bracelet that I got for Christmas, and Joe told me I could get a new Mommy Bag/Diaper Bag. I went today during my lunch hour and picked out a cute, red Vera Bradley carry-all bag.

My dad works for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation, and all of us are doing the Great Strides walk this Sunday. It should be a fun day, and we're hoping for nice weather.

I hope now that I've caught up on my blog, I can post more often. Sometimes I feel like I don't have much to say, but I have to remember that this blog is really my journal.

Be back soon (I hope!)

Unusually Unusual

Thanks Rhonda!
So, I have been tagged. So here we go! Six things that are weird/strange/unusual about me...

1) I love the smell of gasoline. I love going to fill up and smelling the gas fumes coming out of the pump.

2) I like John Denver's music. *blushes* Yup, I do. My husband will NEVER let me live this one down. He makes fun of me all the time for it, but I know all the words to "Follow Me", "Country Roads", "Grandma's Featherbed", etc. I even saw him in concert when I was small (my parents like him too!)

3) I never stand at the sink when I am brushing my teeth. I walk around and do other things at the same time! I'll brush my teeth with one hand while putting away clothes or something with the other.

4) I cannot stand for a wet shower curtain or liner to touch me when I'm in the shower. It simply grosses me out!

5) I enjoy watching QVC. I've never ordered anything, but man, can I get all caught up in "Today's Special Value"!

6) Just like Rhonda, I hate beer. I absolutely cannot stand any kind of beer at all.

Everyone I know has been tagged already, so I'll just look forward to reading about everyone else's quirks!

Mommy Guilt

Any other first-time Moms out there suffering from Mommy guilt? I seem to suffer from this almost every waking moment of my day. The guilt begins at 6:30 a.m. when I have to wake a precious bundle of sleep from his crib so that I can dress him and give him some cheerios before rushing out the door at 6:55 a.m.

Guilt trip #2: I kiss Ethan goodbye and turn for the door knowing that I have already stayed 10 minutes too long. I see him watch me leave, and my heart still feels heavy, even after doing the same routine for the past 11 months.

Guilt trip #3: I am 7 minutes late picking Ethan up because of an accident on the highway. My fault? Nope, but the guilt is still there. Will Ethan know the difference between 5 p.m. and 5:07 p.m.? Nope, but I do, and the guilt threatens to swallow me up.

Guilt trip #4: I walk into daycare and see Ethan playing with some toys. He looks up at me, grins, and immediately begins to fuss until I rush over and pick him up for a hug. This is the absolute best part of my day, but again, the guilt rushes in because I realize how much he's missed me.

Guilt trip #5: The weekend rolls around, and I need to shop for a dress for a wedding that's in 5 weeks. Daddy is more than willing to take care of Ethan, but the Mommy guilt insists that Ethan will know that I am not around and miss me. The Mommy guilt overtakes me as I am trying on dresses and I start to rush so that I can get home as soon as possible.

There are so many more cases of Mommy Guilt in my day-to-day life. I know, on an intellectual level, that my mother or Joe is more than capable of taking care of Ethan. And I know that Ethan absolutely loves both his daddy and his gramma. Then what's the problem? I've asked myself this same question countless times. As a Mom who works full-time outside the home, I get very little time during the week to spend with my son. Therefore, I feel like I need to be with him every minute as if to make up for lost time. I don't want to miss any more belly laughs, first steps, and smiles than I already do.

I need to work right now. At some point, Joe and I hope that things will be different. I know that we are making the best decisions for our family. I know that Ethan loves his teachers at daycare, and he loves his friends. He gets to play outside and fingerpaint and sing songs and read. Most days, I am okay with that. Is it the ideal situation? No, but it's the one that works right now. Some days, like today, I dread the coming week and the time I will never get back with Ethan. I try to make each second count when we do spend time together, but the Mommy Guilt is always there, right underneath the surface, just waiting to emerge.

Walking, but Not Talking

My little man is now walking. He is still a bit unsteady and wobbly at times, but he is walking! When did my baby become a little PERSON? I can already see that he is going to be a very strong-willed (aka stubborn) child, just like his daddy and me. And he has such a goofy personality (also just like his daddy and me)!

Ethan still has not said any words, although his babble definitely sounds more like "talking" now than before. He is spending the week at daycare in the toddler room instead of the infant room. It's just about time for him to move up in the world! If he does well in the toddler room, he will be moved there permanently next week. Time is just moving way too quickly for me!

I am still sticking with Weight Watchers! At weigh-in on Sunday, I had lost .6...I was a bit disappointed, but AF is due at the end of the week, and I'm hoping that has something to do with my tiny loss. In the 4 weeks since joining, I have lost 4.8 pounds. It's a small amount, but it's still a step in the right direction, and I am NOT QUITTING! I know that this program will work if I stick with it. I might not lose every week (heck, some weeks I might even gain), but I know that I can do this. I NEED to do this.

Joe and I had a tough week last week since we didn't see much of each other. Joe worked a few late nights again, but we are hoping this week is better. The evenings are so much more relaxing and fun when he is home. We're able to be a "real" family that eats together, plays together, etc. And Ethan eats great only when Joe feeds him so it is a HUGE help when Joe is home early enough to give Ethan his dinner.

Does anyone know if children go through a growth spurt around 13-14 months? Ethan has been napping quite a bit lately, ever since he started walking more actually. Maybe it takes so much energy to walk that he is more tired? I'm not complaining (a sleeping toddler is a good toddler!), just wondering!

A Few Bumps in the Road

I feel like a bad mommy today. I was totally ready when Ethan's bedtime rolled around. On Monday, daycare called and said that he had diarrhea and needed to be picked up. I left work at 2:00 to go get him. Daycare has a rule that any child with a fever, vomiting, or diarrhea cannot return to the center until he/she has been symptom-free for 24 hours. So I stayed home with him on Tuesday. Daddy stayed home with him on Wednesday. I dropped him off at daycare Thursday, and all was going well until 2:30. Ethan had had 2 bouts with diarrhea again and needed to be picked up. Also meaning that he could not return to daycare today (Friday). I came home with a pile of work to do, which I have not touched all day. I couldn't seem to find the motivation.

Ethan did not have any problems with diarrhea today, and I did manage to do 3 loads of laundry. He is, however, teething terribly and so he was clingy, cranky, and downright miserable all day. He went to bed super early, and now I am trying to work on the projects I brought home. As you can see, not a whole lot of work getting done!

According to my home scales, I have actually gained a pound this week. Is there anyone out there who has done Weight Watchers who can tell me how someone could eat exactly the same way they have the past 2 weeks (when they've lost weight) and gain a pound?? I am dreading this Sunday's weigh-in, but I am NOT giving up on the WW plan. I know it works, and although I am not sure why I gained this week, I know if I stick with it, the weight will eventually come off.

I am very weary tonight. I feel stress and fatigue right to the core of my bones. It's been a tough week trying to work full-time, take care of a sick child, keep up with the housework and cooking, etc. To top off the week, Joe informed me that he has to work tomorrow morning. Maybe that normally wouldn't be so bad, but it's 7:00 Friday night, and he still is not even home from work yet. I'm so thankful he has a job that supports Ethan and I, but I do wish he was home more often.

Let's end this on an upbeat note...my new washer and dryer will be delivered this Sunday! Can't wait! Sorry to be a bit of a downer tonight. All I need is a good night's sleep and a bit of progress on my 2 projects, and I'll be feeling MUCH better!

Feeling Better

I'm still here. I haven't updated my blog because I've really been so busy just keeping up with life. Since I posted last, Joe and I have survived a bout with a nasty stomach bug, and I have just recuperated from tonsilitis. I am hoping that with Spring right around the corner, we can all manage to stay well for awhile.

I have recommitted to losing weight (AGAIN!). I joined Weight Watchers on Sunday, March 5th. I plan on attending the weekly meeting to keep my spirits up and to get the support that I so greatly need. At my first weigh-in last Sunday, I had lost 2.8 pounds. My goal is to lose 1 pound per week. I'm not sure how I've done so far this week, but I plan on keeping at it and taking one meal at a time. I don't have to perfect all the time, but I do have to keep trying and sticking to the plan as much as possible.

I am less worried about Ethan now than I was. He really seems to be coming out of his shell, and although I think he is still slow to do a lot of things, I know he'll be fine. If he has any speech delays or language development disorders, Joe and I will deal with it and get him the help he needs. Just last night on our way home from daycare, he clapped. I was so tickled that I started laughing which made him do it even more. Of course, he hasn't done it since, but it was so great to see him do it! He also knows how to raise his arms up when I ask "How big is Ethan?" He has waved bye-bye a few times, but it's been pretty random. He is most definitely the type of child who will purposely NOT do something just because you want him to. He is not walking yet. He seems like he wants to, but he just does not have the confidence to take off. He can stand alone and cruise furniture like a pro, but no steps yet. My nephew didn't walk until 14 months, so I am not too concerned that Ethan isn't quite ready yet. Still no talking, but I'm not too concerned about that either since Joe didn't talk until he was 3!

My brother and his family are going to be coming to visit for Easter and I am so excited to see my two nephews again!

Life is back on track, and I am committed to keeping it that way!

Will I Always Worry?

What makes some people worry while others just go with the flow? As you all know (very well!), I am a worrier with a capital "W". Joe is a go-with-the-flow type of guy. Maybe we balance each other out and that's why we get along so well.

I have been concerned with Ethan's lack of development in terms of speaking and using gestures. Some of the things that he does really seem autistic in nature from what I've read in books and on the Internet (I KNOW I should be staying off the Internet!). He had his 1-year check-up yesterday. He now weighs 21 pounds, 8 ounces (25th percentile) and is 31 inches tall (80th percentile). He got three shots (chickenpox, Prevnar, and MMR). Dr. T said that Ethan should be pointing, clapping, and waving bye-bye, and of course, that immediately freaked me out because he doesn't do ANY of those things. He asked if there was a history of any speech delays in the family, and we said yes since Joe didn't talk until he was 3. Dr. T said that if Ethan shows no improvement by his 15-month check-up, he will first send him for a hearing test. If that comes back normal, he will send Ethan to be evaluated. He said the earlier we could get help for him, the better.

I must admit that my mood is crappy today. I find myself analyzing everything that Ethan is doing instead of enjoying him. I find myself ticking off all the quirky things he does and how they could be early signs of autism. How do I get past this? And if he DOES have autism, will I be able to deal with that? Will I be able to give my son the help he needs? What will it mean for the rest of his life? Everyone keeps telling me not to worry...that kids all develop at their own pace and since his daddy was slow, he will probably be slow too. I don't want to kid myself or to bury my head in the sand, but I also don't want to obsess over it like I am doing now. It's not healthy for anyone to do that.

I've completely ruined my diet. I am almost back to where I was back in November. The two weddings are in 2 and 3 months respectively. *Sigh* I have GOT to find a way to get back on track. I had my thyroid checked and it's normal, so I can't blame it on that. Not that I really could anyway when I've been shoveling in cake and pizza and cupcakes, etc.

I never imagined I could worry so much...I never thought I could love so much. This whole motherhood thing is hard sometimes.

To My Son

Dear Ethan Michael,

Today is the day before your 1st birthday. You are crawling around on the floor as I type this wearing your adorable jean overalls and a blue striped onesie. I just moved you away from the buffet table in the dining room because you were opening and closing the doors and banging them repeatedly. All you did was grin at me and move on to the next bit of mischief. At Gram's today, you climbed the entire flight of stairs all by yourself. You now have 4 teeth but no words. I took you to see Dr. Torres yesterday afternoon and he said you had a double ear infection. Luckily, he gave you some medicine and I know you are already starting to feel better.

Your birthday party is tomorrow. Gram and Grampa will be there and so will Nanny and Pop, Aunt Debbie, and Jay and Allie. A few more of Mommy and Daddy's friends are coming to help celebrate too. Auntie Anne and Uncle Mike (and cousins Dylan and Garrett) wanted to come down from Massachusetts, but Uncle Mike had to travel for his job. Daddy and I ordered you a cake and some balloons too, and you have a special shirt to wear so that everyone knows it's your birthday.

Your first year of life has been one full of adjustment, learning, anxiety, worry, laughter, and tears but most of all love. Together, you, me, and Daddy survived countless colicky nights, bouts of severe reflux, a visit to the Emergency Room when you were 3 months old, and many, many colds. The first time you rolled over, Daddy and I were so excited that we just had to share the news and we called Gram and Gramp in Florida to tell them. I remember how proud I was the first time you sat up by yourself and the first time you crawled, the first time you pulled yourself up, and the first time you walked with your walker. Watching you discover the world is a precious gift I've been given.

I know one day (sooner rather than later), you'll turn into a young man and you will be embarrassed of me, and my hugs and kisses will be things you tolerate rather than yearn for. Even then, I hope you always remember how very much you are cherished and loved, how Daddy and my world would not be complete without you in it. We want you to grow up happy and healthy; we want you to choose a career that makes you excited to go to work everyday; we want you to surround yourself with the love of family and friends. We know you'll make mistakes on your journey (as we all do), but learn from those mistakes and let them teach you to become a better person.

Ethan, I love you. Such a simple statement yet filled with more emotion than I could ever begin to describe.

Happy 1st Birthday little guy!

The Last Few Weeks of Babyhood

Today is February 6. That means my baby boy will turn 1 in just 13 days. He will officially be classified as a toddler. What happened to the time? Everyone always told me how quickly Ethan would grow up, but I never believed it. Now I know exactly what they were talking about. In the blink of an eye, his first year is gone. I'm sad but also excited for all the things to come.

Ethan is walking everywhere with his walker (or sometimes his high chair!). He has tried to stand on his own a few times, but he still prefers crawling as his main mode of transportation. I guess it won't be too long before he's walking but I'm in no hurry! He is completely on whole milk now and he is 100% off the bottle. I packed away his bottles and bottle warmer over the weekend. One more reminder that he is no longer a baby. As a first-time Mom, I have to admit that I've been slightly concerned about Ethan's development. First let me say that I know every child develops at his/her own pace and that just because Ethan may not be doing the same things as the other kids in his daycare does not mean that something is wrong.

That said, Ethan is not saying any words at all yet. He does not point, wave bye-bye, or clap his hands. He does babble, saying "ma, ma, ma" and "ba ba ba". I know he understands some of what I am saying to him, especially the word "NO"! I am so completely paranoid that he is going to be autistic. For the first 6-7 months of his life, I was terrified of SIDS...now I've moved on to autism. I plan on bringing up my concerns at Ethan's 1-year checkup on February 20th, but maybe some of you veteran mommies out there can ease my fears and tell me that it's okay that he's not saying words or making any gestures.

I wish that I could be more like my husband. Where I worry myself sick over things, he is easy-going. His attitude is that if there is something wrong with Ethan, we will deal with it and we won't love him any less. While I agree, I can't help obsessing. When I drop Ethan at daycare and pick him up, I watch every move that other children his age make, wondering if Ethan is "normal".

My diet is...well...still the same. I started at 181 in November and I am only down to 175. A lousy 6 pounds. I stopped taking my Zoloft (under doctor's supervision) because I am thinking that it is impeding my weight loss. I have a doctor's appointment next Monday, and I am going to discuss the possibility of starting another medication (like Wellbutrin) that might help with my anxiety as well as weight loss.

Joe's job is about the same. After 2 good weeks with minimal overtime, he had 2 bad weeks with several late nights. He is in a training class this week, so I am hopeful that he will be home at more reasonable times each evening.

I've been doing quite a bit of thinking about the possibility of looking for a new job (I will blog about this another time).

That's it in a nutshell.

On The Mend

Last week is a big blur of doctor's appointments, co-pays, and prescriptions. I took Ethan to the pediatrician last Monday, and they diagnosed him with a moderate ear infection in both ears as well as sinusitis and a terrible cough. Dr. T put him on an antibiotic, Albuterol syrup, and Singulair. I had been feeling sick all weekend with swollen glands and a sore throat as well as a fever. I got myself a doctor's appointment on Tuesday morning and was diagnosed with strep throat. Back to the pharmacy to get a 10-day course of amoxicillin. On Thursday morning, I headed back to Dr. T with Ethan because he was not any better. Dr. T changed his antibiotic and also prescribed him a mild steroid to help with the inflammation in his ears. Back to the pharmacy again for the new medications. At week's end, I had spent $60 on office visit co-pays and $80 on medications. On Friday morning, Joe was getting ready for work and began vomiting. He had come down with a 24-hour stomach bug.

By Saturday morning, Joe was better and I also had my smiling, happy little boy back. Although Ethan is not 100% better, I know that he has turned the corner and that the new medications are working. My antibiotic is working and I am feeling just about normal again. Whew, what a week it was.

My diet, unfortunately, has not been going so well. I ate terribly all weekend long. I would list what I ate, but you all would be appalled! I am trying to get back on track again, even though I feel that my goal of losing 25 pounds by the beginning of May is now unreachable. I think that I should probably change that goal to a more realistic 10 or 15 pounds. I've just had too many slip-ups since Christmas. I need to find a way to exercise and I am finding that nearly impossible. I already get up at 5:30 a.m. I get Ethan up at 6:20 and I leave the house at 7 a.m. to drop him at daycare. I pick him up at 5:00 and arrive home at about 5:20. Feed him dinner and get him to bed at about 7:00. Then it's time for me to make dinner for Joe and I, feed the dogs, etc. I'm not quite sure where I can squeeze in some exercise. Joe suggested that I run up and down the stairs for 15 minutes holding Ethan for extra weight, but I'm so afraid that I would stumble and fall with him in my arms. I do have some walking tapes, and I am determined to try to use them 2-3 times a week to start.

Joe has made a New Year's resolution to keep his overtime hours to a minumum. The decrease in his paycheck will take some getting used to, but he really wants to be around more for both Ethan and I. He did a great job at getting home at a reasonable hour, and he seemed so much more relaxed. If he can keep this up, I know it will do wonders for our relationship.

Don't know if I mentioned this before, but I got a new car a few weeks ago! We traded in Joe's Saturn Ion for a 2006 Subaru Forester for me. We kept our other Saturn for Joe to drive when he needs a car; at the moment, he is driving a company vehicle. Our car payment has gone up, but I am totally in love with my new car!

A Bit Out of Sorts

Ethan is just a month shy of turning 1 year old, and my body is still recovering. I am trying desperately to lose my "baby" weight, which c'mon, we all have to admit is not baby weight a year later. It's fat, plain and simple. I weighed 200 pounds when I came home from the hospital after having Ethan; when I started the South Beach Diet the third week in November, I weighed 181. The day before Christmas, I was down to 172 and I was so proud that my efforts were paying off. After pigging out and totally losing my focus over the holidays, I am now at 175.5, and the scale doesn't seem to be moving. I don't even want to know what all this yo-yo'ing has done to my metabolism, which already seemed to be sluggish because of me having Gestational Diabetes. I am trying to restore my energy and enthusiasm for making the right food choices. I still have my goal of losing 25 pounds by May so that I will look fantastic for the two weddings I am attending. I am thinking about finding a gorgeous dress on the Internet and printing out the picture to post on my refrigerator; it will remind me of my goal and how great I will look if I resist temptation.

This past Saturday night, we went to my parent's house to watch the Patriots' first playoff game (GO PATS!). My Mom made garlic shrimp, rice, and a salad, plus German chocolate pie for dessert. At halftime, out came the chips and salsa. When I got home and into bed, I had a gallbladder attack. It was so painful that I couldn't find a comfortable position in bed. By morning, it had gone away and I ate very carefully all day. I am hoping I don't have another attack and need surgery to remove my gallbladder.

I am sick again, this time with a cough and laryngitis. Ethan is sick again too. Having a child in daycare means being sick ALL the time.

My face is extremely broken out, and I'm expecting AF tomorrow. My body feels so foreign to me. I am envious of those people who have a baby and can fit into their pre-pregnancy jeans in a matter of weeks. I am jealous of those people who have time to exercise. I am definitely jealous of people with flawless skin and fashionable clothes. I am always so pressed for time that I barely look put together.

If anyone has seen my healthy, thinner body, please let it know that it's okay to come home!!!