Another Week Over

I have so much that I want to blog about, and I don't know where to start. First off, the spot on my breast is getting better each day, thereby easing my fears that it was somehow related to Inflammatory Breast Cancer. I am relieved and a bit embarrassed that I jumped to the worst possible conclusion before even seeing my doctor. Why didn't I just think positive and have my doctor check it out before I started planning my will? Why did I immediately go on the internet and research until I couldn't see straight? All it got me was one day that I spent completely worried and depressed, one day wasted, any joy robbed by my fear and tendency to think the worst is just around the corner.

R's blog (http://www.rosepuddle.blogspot.com) today was so eerily similar to how I feel. I worry, worry, and worry. I think about the future instead of living each day to its fullest. You'd think that finding out the spot is not breast cancer would have given me a totally new outlook on life, but I find myself still filled with anxiety. The rational part of me knows how absurd it is for me to worry about things I can't control, but I do it anyway. Oh when will I learn to count my blessings each day, to enjoy each and every minute with my son, to not fill my head with countless scenarios of what could go wrong in my life? What does it solve? NOTHING! I so badly want to rid myself of all this worry that sits on my shoulders every day, and I am resolved to try to do that, to let myself experience joy and happiness without being afraid of what tomorrow holds. I deserve it, Joe deserves it, and Ethan deserves it.

I am going to take Ethan to the park so he can swing this weekend if the weather is nice. Pack a picnic lunch and enjoy my family since our time together is so limited (as a matter of fact, Joe is working late tonight). I am going to stop counting down days until Friday and learn to enjoy Mondays just as much (okay, well maybe not AS much!). I am so blessed and it's about time I realize it and cherish those blessings.

Doctor's Appointment

Well, I managed to get a doctor's appointment at 9:30 after I met with the dishwasher installer. He got it all installed and then one of the cycles didn't work!! Now we have to call a repairman to come out and try to fix it, but that's another long story.

I explained my fears to the doctor, and she checked the red spot on my breast. She said it appears to be a dermatological issue and not breast cancer-related. She said she has seen Inflammatory Breast Cancer and it doesn't look like my spot. She did a breast exam and said she didn't feel any lumps. She is sending me for a diagnostic mammogram on both breasts just to get a baseline reading since I am 30, and my aunt had breast cancer twice. She seemed convinced that what I have is NOT breast cancer at all. She gave me a prescription for an anti-fungal steroid cream to use twice a day for a week. I should see an improvement in 48 hours. If it is breast cancer-related, the cream will not improve or eliminate the red, rashy spot. She said if the spot is still there on Monday, I should come back in to the office. I feel mostly relieved, but I don't think I will rest totally easy until I see the spot disappearing and I know it's not cancer-related. The doctor was great though and took my fears very seriously. We were discussing how much more you worry about your own health once you have a child. I am so concerned about being there for Ethan and protecting him, etc. She said she believes the pain I am experiencing in my breast is muscular-skeletal pain and so she gave me 800 mg of Motrin to take 3x a day to see if that helps.

So that's where my issue stands. I will let you all know how the cream is working throughout the week. I PRAY that the spot goes away and then I can rest easy. I know I have to trust my doctor, and if she thought there was a chance at all that it could be something serious, I pray that she would have sent me for a mammogram or biopsy immediately without waiting another week. Thank you to everyone for your thoughts and prayers. Please continue to pray that this cream makes the spot go away...and quickly.

In One Word...Terrified

It's Monday morning, and I'm completely freaked out and scared. Let me give you a brief history so you'll understand. When I was pregnant, my right breast kept hurting and I kept telling Joe that it looked a lot bigger than the left one. I even posted on one of the baby center boards about it. Many people reassured me that it was quite normal for them to grow at different rates and not to worry about it. I put the worry to rest. Fast-forward to about 3 months after Ethan was born, and I began to experience a lot of breast pain in the right breast. It didn't seem to matter where I was in my cycle; it just always hurt. I finally saw my GP about it, and she said she didn't feel any lumps but if it wasn't better in a month, she would send me for an ultrasound. That was on July 8.

By September, it wasn't any better, so I had an ultrasound on September 8, which came back negative. On Saturday, I discovered a strange red rashy looking area on my right breast, fairly close to the spot that has been hurting me. I (stupidly) went on the Internet and researched some of my symptoms, and now I am totally freaked out that I have Inflammatory Breast Cancer. It's a very agressive form of breast cancer, and the one you really don't want to have. The scary thing about it is that it usually does not show up on a mammogram or ultrasound; you usually have to have a biopsy to diagnose it. I spent yesterday very depressed and wondering if I have it, and if I will live to see Ethan grow up. I tried putting hydrocortisone cream on it but it didn't help, and I am already on an antibiotic for my sinus infection.

I have to meet a dishwasher installer at my parent's new house this morning at 8 (which is what time my GYN's office opens). I am going to call and insist that they see me today. I don't know if they'll want to send me for a biopsy or not. I'm so scared. I couldn't sleep last night. Every time I woke up and looked at the clock, I thought "I don't want to die." My aunt has had breast cancer twice but not Inflammatory Breast Cancer.

Anyway, I'll post about my doctor's appt. if I can get one today. I pray that I can, because I can't function or think about anything else.

What a Face!

Yes, this is Ethan's poopy face. Notice me in the background shaking my head at Joe who wanted to capture Ethan's finer moments! Once he took it and showed it to me, I was dying laughing...bad mommy!

And Again...

Yes, I'm alone again. Joe was on his way home from work when his beeper went off. I don't expect I'll see him much before 10 or 11 tonight.

I feel like all I did today was run around. I took Ethan to the pediatrician this morning since their walk-in hours start at 7:45 a.m. Ethan was very fussy this weekend and I was sure that he was coming down with another sinus infection. Sure enough, he was, so he is now on antibiotics for the next 10 days. When I left the doctor's office, I dropped him at daycare and got him settled, then ran to CVS to fill the prescription. Ran back to daycare to give him a dose. Jumped back in the car and hauled ass to work...only 2 hours late thanks to my lead foot! Sitting at my desk I realized that I have had my sinus pain and pressure for more than a week and it's not getting any better. Called the doctor and got an appt. at 2:45. Left the office at 2:15 to get there on time. I also have a sinus infection and am on antibiotics for the next 10 days. Like mother, like son, I suppose. Since I am constantly covered in drool or spit-up, I'm not surprised that we're both sick.

Left the doctor's office and dropped my prescription at Rite Aid. I had planned to use the drive-thru window of the pharmacy so that I could pick it up on my way home from daycare with Ethan. Well, the damn drive-thru was closed for some reason, so I ran it in. Then I ran over to my eye doctor to pick up my new contact lenses. Back to daycare to pick up Ethan. I had been counting on Joe to pick up my medicine on his way home from work, but now he can't. I can't wait around for the pharmacy to open in the morning, so I won't be able to start my antibiotics until tomorrow night. I just can't rely on him for anything.

I fed Ethan, bathed him, dressed him, and started to feed him only to discover that I hadn't tightened the cap of his bottle so it had spilled all over his clean pj's and soaked into his nicely washed skin! Stopped feeding him and changed his pj's which caused WWIII.

Put him to bed and started a load of laundry since everything I wore today was covered with baby food in various stages of digestion. Oh, and to make matters worse, Joe bought a big bag of peanut M&M's that he insisted on putting in a glass jar RIGHT next to the computer. Now that's helpful for my weight loss (oh wait, what weight loss?)

Whew, I can't even remember what it would be like to come home from work and sit my fat butt on the couch all night. What in the world did I fill my time with before I had Ethan? And I thought that I led a busy and stressful life then. What a joke!

Again

I'm alone...again. Joe is working late. I am so tired. I'm thankful he has such a good job that provides so well for me and Ethan. I just wish that we had more family time: more time for just hanging out laughing and talking, more time watching our son who is now getting up on all fours and just itching to crawl, more time for cuddling, and more time to be "us". I miss him. I am lonely.

I watched the "Shelter From the Storm" benefit concert tonight, and I was ashamed that I was complaining even one iota about my life. I HAVE a roof over my head, food in my stomach, clothes on my back, and a warm bed. How dare I complain? I am so incredibly lucky, and it shouldn't take the suffering of others to make me realize it. I should thank God every single morning when I wake up that I am so fortunate.

Great, so now on top of feeling tired and frustrated, I am ashamed. On that note, I think bed is a good idea.

Like I've Been Run Over

I officially feel like I've been run over by a large truck. A week ago, Ethan came down with a cold that was going around daycare. He was slightly fussy over Labor Day Weekend, but not too bad. Yesterday, I came down with his cold but mine is all settled in my sinuses. I have terrible sinus pressure and pain, post-nasal drip, swollen glands, and a sore throat. I just feel plain awful. But here I sit at my desk at work doing my best to just trudge my way through the day. I would love nothing more than to go home and sleep, but I need to save my sick/vacation time for when Ethan is sick or for doctor's appointments, etc. Joe had better be home tonight to help me with Ethan (wishful thinking!).

Let's see...what else can I update my blog with??? Here's a few things:

• My nephew, Garrett Henry, was born on August 29th, weighing in at 7 lbs, 12 ounces, and 20.5 inches long.
• My parents have decided to move to their new house in Maryland despite the fact that their house in Florida has not sold yet. Their moving date is set for November 5.
• Joe is still working long and crazy hours; however, he is driving the company's Ford Explorer which is saving us on gas and the cost of tolls that he normally pays.
• I am still yo-yo'ing with the same 3 pounds.
• Ethan is sitting up now like a champ. All that worry for no reason. Now I can worry about why he isn't trying to crawl yet! LOL
• Joe got rear-ended last week (in his own car, a Saturn Ion). The damage wasn't too bad, but now we've got to deal with the other driver's insurance company to get the car fixed.
• Ethan starts his swim class at the YMCA this Saturday morning. Stay tuned for pics of the handsome boy in his trunks!

I guess that's it for now. I haven't updated my blog very often because I find myself just trying to stay afloat during the day; it's like I'm riding a wave of chores, errands, and baby care that never ends. At the end of the day, I feel like I've accomplished practically nothing! Welcome to Motherhood!