I Can't Stand Myself

I mean that. I am so crazy irritable. The mood swings are ridiculous, and if you would ask Joe, he would say, frequent. I find myself being annoyed at everything and everyone; feeling like no one understands me; and wanting to crawl into bed and just sleep and sleep and sleep. If this is pregnancy hormones, it's going to be a long 15 weeks!!!

The worst part is that besides the whole daycare issue, I honestly have no truly valid reason for being Ms. Bitch. I am making mountains out of molehills about everything. We had a terrible thunderstorm Saturday night which woke Ethan up. By the time we got him settled back down, it was after midnight. Between midnight and 6 a.m., I was up to pee 4 times. When Ethan woke up, he was kicking and banging the wall in his room. Joe slept on beside me and never moved. After several minutes of lying there, I got up with Ethan and took him out to the living room. 45 minutes later, Joe comes out and doesn't say "thanks for getting up with him" or "how long have you two been up?" Instead, he goes to lie down on the couch as I'm feeding Ethan his breakfast. Annoying? YES! But I let it eat at me and set the tone for the entire day. From then on, I was highly irritated with everything that was going on in the house. Joe got poop on his leg while changing Ethan's pull-up, and he started saying "Godammit" and yelling for help. That irritated me even more...it's poop. Wash it off and move on with life. My reactions to things are so over the top, and I know it's pushing Joe away because he (rightly) feels like he can't do anything right.

Is this hormones, stress, exhaustion, a combination of any of those things?? All I know is that if I can't stand myself, how do I expect my husband and the rest of my family to support me and want to be with me? Any suggestions on how I pull myself out of this funk and become a bit happier and more content? I'm sure Joe would thank you a billion times!

Wanting to Pull My Hair Out!

When will the madness end?? Joe called several more childcare providers that were given to him by our local Childcare Choices agency. Most of them had no openings. I told him that I had found several that we needed to call, and he started insisting that he had already called them all, even though the original numbers he called weren't even with him at the time. One of the listings wasn't in a very good area, and I told him that I didn't want the kids there, and he got all bent out of shape saying that now I was putting all these different criteria on him, etc. He got mad and started yelling at me and then ended the conversation by saying that he was turning everything over to me and I could handle it all! Now THAT'S gonna help my already rapidly increasing blood pressure, and the stress levels on the baby.

This issue is causing so much stress and now it's leading to fighting and problems between me and Joe. I wish a simple solution would jump out at us so we could move on and be happy about the baby. It seems to be casting such a dark shadow over everything. The more we fight about it, the more I feel guilty about having a second child, because I start thinking that maybe we can't afford it. My excitement about having two children has been replaced by anxiety and fear, and now stress over finding a daycare for them.

I found a local mommies group that has a website and there is a forum designed for working moms. I have posted a message in the hopes of getting some recommendations from other working moms about where might be a great place for the kids. We'll see what kinds of responses I get, if any.

I don't think I ever realized it would be this hard. Add this issue to working 45 hours per week, commuting a total of 5 hours per week, taking care of Ethan in the evenings, and being 24 weeks pregnant, and I have just about had it. Ethan is 3 weeks shy of 2 and 1/2 and boy, is he acting out! He is still generally a great kid and well behaved, but he has started becoming defiant and acting out, mostly with me since I think he knows I am more of a pushover than Daddy. I know it's normal, I know it's a phase, but it still stresses me out after working all day and being tired from the pregnancy.

AGGHH, Calgon....take me away!

Complete Frustration!

I am so incredibly frustrated right now. Joe has made several phone calls to various home daycare centers in our area. All of them are saying that they don't know what kind of spaces they will have available when we're ready to put the baby into daycare (around January or so). While I can understand that, it doesn't make the search for a good home daycare center easy. If I wait until the baby is born and then start calling and interviewing (when I'm exhausted from taking care of a newborn and a toddler), I'll end up having to choose a provider based on who has space for two children, not based on who would care for my children best.

I'm scared and anxious at this point. No one wants to commit to saying that they can take an infant and a 3-year old in January because they might fill up those spots sooner than that. What the heck do I do?? I am starting to feel like my only option is going to be staying home with the kids, and I am not at all sure that that is the best choice for everyone involved either. I feel lost, confused, frustrated, and very scared that I will be forced to quit my job simply because I don't have daycare for my kids. And I have to admit that I am extremely picky when it comes to choosing a daycare. I work with some people who choose by price alone, and I just can't imagine doing that. I want a provider who will do things with my children, not plop them in front of a tv all day long or leave the baby in a playpen. Ethan is in a daycare center and he does so many fun activities, crafts, games, shows, etc. I want that for him and for the new baby.

My stomach is churning, and my mind is spinning. I'll come back later when my thoughts are a bit clearer.

Another Month Gone By

It seems I am averaging an update on here only once a month now. I have so much to say, but so little time most days.

I've been in a bit of a funk lately. I am now just about 24 weeks pregnant and doing well so far. I had to take the 1-hour glucose test at 20 weeks (which I failed), and then the 3-hour the week after (which I passed). Because I had GD with Ethan, I am taking another 3-hour test at about 27 weeks or so. If I pass that, I'm hoping I'm in the clear, but I'm not sure yet. My blood pressure has been creeping up again (just like it did with Ethan), and the doctor had me do a 24-hour urine collection test, which came back normal. For now, they are just monitoring it closely, but I am so afraid that I will end up on bedrest again and this time even earlier. There is so much more to consider this time, like taking care of Ethan and paying for daycare if I am unable to work. I know I need to take one day at a time and deal with the issues as they come, but it's so tough to do that with my anxiety issues.

Speaking of daycare, I am no closer to figuring out what to do with both kids come February. I know that Joe and I need to stop procrastinating and do something, but I don't want to. Thinking about taking Ethan out of where he is now makes me feel sick. He is so happy there, and Joe and I are happy with him there too. This is such a tough decision and there is no perfect solution. Thinking about this whole situation keeps me up at night and makes me sick to my stomach.

I'm not sure where this funk is coming from. I know some of it is coming from the way I am feeling about myself. I started out this pregnancy 10 pounds heavier than I did with Ethan, and I have gained about 21 pounds as of my last doctor's appointment at 23 weeks. I look enormous and I feel even more enormous. Couple that with Joe's total fear of having sex when I'm pregnant, and I can't help feeling so disconnected from him. I feel like he is embarrassed of me being this large. And it's not all belly...I think I am having quads: one in each thigh, one in my ass, and one in my belly. Most of my XL maternity clothes are getting tight already. He had a company picnic a few weeks ago, and he mentioned it only in passing. When I asked more about it, he said he didn't want to go because no one he really knew was going (we went last year). Then he also said that he knew I was self-conscious of my size right now and that he thought I wouldn't want to go. That made me feel like HE was the one embarrassed of my size. I feel so incredibly unattractive ALL the time, and I wonder how in the world I am going to lose the weight when the baby is born RIGHT before Thanksgiving and Christmas. I tried everything to lose the weight with Ethan and was finally able to take most of it off with Jenny Craig. With 2 kids, there is no way I will be able to afford Jenny Craig again.

I don't feel special to my husband anymore. I feel like we take each other for granted. I love Joe more than anything, and I know he loves me too...that's not the point. We have been so focused on moving, getting settled, Ethan, work, etc., that it's been tough to really connect with each other. He never tells me I look nice anymore (even whales must have a good hair day every now and then) or asks me how I am feeling just out of the blue. I think even he has forgotten how tough it is for a woman to be pregnant, to work full time, and to take care of a toddler. I just wish he would "pamper" me a bit more. Boy, I sound really spoiled, don't I??

Some of the funk is coming from a financial aspect. I don't regret moving to a better neighborhood, better school system, and a bigger house, but that increased our mortgage by $500. Add to that the cost of putting a second child into daycare and I almost feel like I can't breathe. Sometimes I even feel guilty for having a second child because I think "maybe I really can't afford it."

And, of course, some of the funk comes from plain old pregnancy hormones and not being on Zoloft now since I found out I was pregnant.

On a brighter note, Ethan is incredible. He is turning into the funniest, happiest, and sweetest little boy any Mommy could wish for. He's truly a wonderful and loving child and I feel so blessed to be able to give him a brother or a sister (he keeps asking for a sister!). Only 3.5 months to go before we find out! It's so hard to believe that my "baby" will be 2 and 1/2 in just a matter of weeks.

Thanks for letting me ramble...it feels good just to get it all out and try to let the negative feelings go.