Beware of the Pity Party

If you're not into other people's pity parties, I suggest you stop reading now. This post is going to be a doozy. I am not sure where to begin. It's Sunday night about 11 p.m. I should be in bed fast asleep because the alarm seems to ring even louder than usual on Mondays at 5:45 a.m. Instead I'm a sobbing mess, thinking about the person I've become and wondering how I got here.

Growing up, I was always a planner, but never a compulsive worrier. Since giving birth to Ethan, I find myself living a life full of worry, anxiety, and fear. If I have a pain in my pelvic area, I just "know" that I have ovarian cancer. If I have a pain in my breast (as I do at the moment, and it's probably just related to my cycle), I have diagnosed myself with breast cancer. If I hear sirens and Joe is running errands, I hold my breath until I hear his voice on the cell phone. I worry from the time I wake up to the time I finally fall asleep at night. Back in October, I saw my primary care doctor and we discussed this. I went on Zoloft for about 3 months and then (stupidly) decided I didn't need it anymore because I was feeling better. What did I THINK was making me feel better in the first place??

These irrational feelings, while seeming incredibly real to me, have been causing some problems with my marriage, coupled with some other issues dating back many years. Joe and I are now seeing a counselor to try to figure out how to solve some of these problems. I love Joe more than anything. He is an amazingly caring person and the support he gives me is so unconditional. However, I can only imagine how difficult it is living with a woman who is constantly bringing him down with her fears and anxiety about everything in life. I truly am sucking the life out of our marriage. All I want is to feel "whole" again...to wake up in the morning and feel like I can breathe, to feel like there isn't an enormous burden sitting on me and pushing me down.

On top of the anxiety and fear are my feelings about my weight. I have ALWAYS had issues about my weight, ever since I was very young. In middle and high school, I was on the swim team and worked out constantly, so I was about 125 at 5'4". Even then, I thought I was chunky compared to many of my friends. In college, I gained more than the Freshman Fifteen, and so I weighed about 150 when I got married in 1997. I fluctuated throughout the first 5-6 years of my marriage between 140 and 170. I would try a new diet and lose weight. Joe was stationed in Korea for a year, leaving me in Maryland alone, and I would lose weight. I'd have an event I needed to look good for, and I'd lose some weight. When I got pregnant with Ethan, I was about 165. I gained 55 pounds with him, mostly (I feel) because I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes. The lowest I've been able to get down to since having Ethan (17 MONTHS AGO!) is 168. I am currently at 175 after having 2 weeks of bingeing and eating everything I felt like. I begin a new "plan" tomorrow, one that includes calorie counting and walking the treadmill for 25 minutes during my lunch hour. I am hopeful that I can soon get down to 165 again, with my ultimate goal being 150.

I highly doubt that Joe is attracted to me the same way he was 10 years ago. Does he love me? I'm sure of it. But I want to be the woman he married again. I want to feel like ME again. I want to love myself again, because how can HE love me if I don't love me? I can only hope and pray that he has the patience to stick this out with me while I figure it all out. Some days, I feel like a shadow of myself, like the old Laura is gone and the new me is someone I just don't like. I am praying that getting my eating under control, exercising, and seeing the counselor will pave the way for finding the "real" me.

I have always had bad skin...something I've been forever embarrassed about. I've probably tried every single concealer on the market. I found Proactiv and it has worked pretty well. Thing is, I have gotten lazy about using it and now my face is a MESS. Just another thing making me feel ugly. I know how to fix it, but I also know it won't happen overnight. Why are the most rewarding things also the hardest to stick with?

Money is tight lately. Joe and I both work full time because we simply need the money. We are by no means struggling, but things have gotten tight lately, and we've had to dip into our savings account. We need to sit down and figure out where the extra spending is taking place and how we can cut it. Again, just another thing making me feel so out of control.

As I sit here and I read over this post, I am ashamed. I am ashamed that I spent 20 minutes writing about my "pathetic" life when there are others in the world clinging to any shred of hope that their loved one will pull through whatever hardship they are facing. As I sit here typing, I think about my friend Lisa who lost her 18-month old daughter to Tay Sachs disease. What would she give to have "anxiety" issues or a weight problem? My neighbor passed away today, after losing her husband in January. And yet I complain about money, bad skin, such trivial things.

Before I came downstairs to write this post, I stood beside Ethan's crib for 10 minutes, tears rolling down my face. He is the most perfect thing I've ever done in my entire life. Looking at him takes my breath away. This little person, who is now learning to talk (and hit and bite!) is incredible proof that somewhere along the way, I have done something so very right. And no matter what it takes, I promise him that his mommy is going to get healthy, both physically and mentally. He deserves that and so much more.

I've Been Tagged

Thanks Deanne for tagging me!

5 things in my refrigerator:
1. Hot dogs (Ethan loves 'em!)
2. Leftover pasta salad
3. 2 cottage cheese doubles
4. Yo-Baby yogurt
5. Sugar-free Jello pudding

5 things in my closet:
1. Purses
2. A clothes-drying rack
3. Games (Taboo, Trivial Pursuit, etc.)
4. An old camera case
5. 2 laundry hampers

5 things in my purse:
1. Small address book
2. Calculator
3. An Epi-pen (I'm allergic to bees)
4. Tic Tacs
5. A mini hairbrush

5 things in my car:
1. Ethan's blankie (it goes EVERYWHERE!)
2. CDs
3. A set of "pretend" car keys for Ethan
4. Stroller
5. Sunglasses

There's no one left to tag! LOL

Shame on Me

I cannot believe that I haven't updated my blog in more than a month! The days seem to go by in a blur, and I am shocked to look at the calendar and see that it's July 11th! I definitely needed to get on here and record some of Ethan's milestones since I've been terrible about updating his baby book.

Ethan has changed so much since his 1st birthday on February 19th. At that point, I was a bit concerned because he wasn't pointing or waving or clapping his hands. He wasn't talking or even walking at that point. Boy have things changed! He is just about running all over the place now, and he "talks" non-stop! As of today, he can say:

Mama
Dada
Pepper (1 of our dogs)
Ampa (Grampa)
All Done
No (gotta love this one!)
Nana (banana)
Bubbles
Elmo (now he calls everyone Elmo!)
Boo-boo (mommy has one on her toe)
Stuck
Up
More
Ball
Ba-Ba (his blankie)
Ma (seems to be what he calls milk or juice)
Hot
Hat

His goofy personality is really starting to show. I took him to Dairy Queen for an ice cream and everytime he took a bite, he would scrunch up his face and pretend to "shiver". He tries all the time to sit on our dogs, and he just laughs when he does it. He also has a mind of his own and now has tantrums all the time when he doesn't get his way. I think the terrible two's start earlier than two! LOL Daddy took Ethan to the barber for his first "big-boy" haircut, and he looks so grown-up now. Sometimes I think about TTC baby #2 earlier than our original plan, but I know that Joe would NEVER go for it. I guess we'll be sticking with our plan of trying for #2 when Ethan turns 2. I would like for Ethan to be potty-trained before we have another baby in the house. It will be easier on me with less diapers to change and also much less expensive. I will work on potty-training Ethan between 2 and 3, probably while I'm pregnant.

I have been having a hard time mentally lately. Most of you remember that I joined WW back in March with my Mom. I had only lost about 7 pounds. For some reason, ever since I gave birth to Ethan, my body does not want to shed any weight. I have had my thyroid checked and that was normal so I am not sure what the heck is going on. I have had people tell me that gestational diabetes really messes with your metabolism so maybe that's the problem. I went away for July 4th weekend and I totally fell off the wagon and gained back a bit of the weight. I REALLY, REALLY need to lose about 25 to 30 pounds, and I need to lose it before getting pregnant with baby #2. For those of you who have lost weight, where do you find the motivation? The willpower? The time to exercise???

I'm honestly not trying to make excuses but here is what a typical day looks like for me...

5:45 a.m. Wake up
6:30 a.m. Wake Ethan up
7:00 a.m. Leave for work or daycare depending on who drops Ethan off
7:00-4:30 At work
4:30 Leave work
5:00 Arrive at daycare to get Ethan
5:15 Arrive home
5:30-5:45 Feed Ethan dinner
5:45-6:25 Play with Ethan and try to feed the dogs and clean up Ethan's dinner mess
6:25-6:45 Give Ethan a bath
7:00 Put Ethan to bed
7:00-7:30 Fix myself something for dinner, check mail
7:30-7:45 Clean up dinner, make lunch for following day

Where do I find time to exercise??? I have tried getting up at 5 a.m. to exercise before work and I just can't do it. Most nights, Joe doesn't get home until Ethan is already in bed. If I didn't need to pick Ethan up every day, I could stay after work and walk the treadmill for 30 minutes or so before heading home. But Joe's job is so unreliable and I NEVER know from day to day what time he might be coming home. I usually don't even get a phone call to let me know he's on his way home until at least 5:30 or 6:00. Any suggestions would be soooo appreciated! I am truly feeling miserable at the weight I am at (dare I admit that I am 5'4" and weigh 172 pounds?).

I went through some old clothes last night because we are having a yard sale soon. I found a bunch of summer clothes that I had "planned" to wear this summer since I had (stupidly) believed that I would have lost all my baby weight. I feel trapped in this body because of my schedule. I feel like a slave to the daily grind. My house is never clean because I just don't have the time to clean it. I'm lucky to keep up with laundry during the week so I don't have a massive pile on the weekends.

Can anyone help me organize my life???? LOL