Monday, June 09, 2008
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
We're Definitely Not the Cleavers
When I was a little girl and I played "house" and "mommy", I never imagined that my life would have turned out the way it has. I thought that I would be able to provide my children with the same wonderful and stable childhood that I experienced: family vacations and camping trips, dinner together every night, Mom and Dad there to tuck the kids in, etc.
So much of that doesn't happen at my house. Joe works in telecommunications. He works for a government contractor and because what he does is so top secret, I can't talk about it nor am I even really supposed to know all that much about it. Because of the nature of his job, the hours can get crazy. Much of the work can only be done during non-business hours, and he carries a pager for 1 week every 3 weeks. For that weekend, we are at the pager's mercy. We can't stray too far from the house because if it goes off, he will more than likely be heading to one of the sites where he does work. It goes off in the middle of the night, during the kids' bathtimes or bedtimes, during mealtimes, etc. Many nights, I am a single parent. Yesterday, I got up at 5:30, got to work at 7:00, worked all day, picked up the boys at 4:30, fed Ryan a bottle, made Ethan supper, fed Ryan his solids, thought about baths and immediately felt too tired to deal with them and thus dismissed the idea, got both boys in pj's, put Ryan to bed after another bottle, cleaned up toys, made scrambled eggs and cereal for supper, and tried desperately to get a load of laundry put away. Joe walked through the door after midnight.
I can't plan meals for the week because Joe's work schedule is never planned in advance. It never fails that when I go through the trouble of planning meals and making them, I am the only one home to eat them. I don't plan anything for after work because I need to take care of the boys. Each time I've tried to do something on a week night (like WW meetings), I end up giving it up because he doesn't come home on time to watch the boys. I make all my appointments for the weekend or I ask my Mom to watch the boys.
Do I think I am the only one with a husband who works crazy hours? Am I the only one who has to pull "single Mom duty"? Of course not. And I get that Joe's job is important. He makes good money and he is the primary breadwinner. He needs to work, and he is a very loyal employee, sometimes, I expect, to a fault. I just wish that our family didn't always come second best. Even Joe admitted that he feels like if his life were a pie, work would fill up 75%. I don't see that changing, and I am not sure what to do about it. I know the choices are limited. He can't quit. He is already keeping his eyes open for another position that may have more stable hours but still pays as well. So what do we do?
I know I need to make the best of the situation. I just worry about what it's doing to my boys. Ethan asks me almost every night if Daddy is going to be home early or late. Sometimes he doesn't ask about Daddy at all because he knows Daddy works all the time. I do the best I can, but I'm not Daddy.
I know there is no immediate solution. But venting helps.
So much of that doesn't happen at my house. Joe works in telecommunications. He works for a government contractor and because what he does is so top secret, I can't talk about it nor am I even really supposed to know all that much about it. Because of the nature of his job, the hours can get crazy. Much of the work can only be done during non-business hours, and he carries a pager for 1 week every 3 weeks. For that weekend, we are at the pager's mercy. We can't stray too far from the house because if it goes off, he will more than likely be heading to one of the sites where he does work. It goes off in the middle of the night, during the kids' bathtimes or bedtimes, during mealtimes, etc. Many nights, I am a single parent. Yesterday, I got up at 5:30, got to work at 7:00, worked all day, picked up the boys at 4:30, fed Ryan a bottle, made Ethan supper, fed Ryan his solids, thought about baths and immediately felt too tired to deal with them and thus dismissed the idea, got both boys in pj's, put Ryan to bed after another bottle, cleaned up toys, made scrambled eggs and cereal for supper, and tried desperately to get a load of laundry put away. Joe walked through the door after midnight.
I can't plan meals for the week because Joe's work schedule is never planned in advance. It never fails that when I go through the trouble of planning meals and making them, I am the only one home to eat them. I don't plan anything for after work because I need to take care of the boys. Each time I've tried to do something on a week night (like WW meetings), I end up giving it up because he doesn't come home on time to watch the boys. I make all my appointments for the weekend or I ask my Mom to watch the boys.
Do I think I am the only one with a husband who works crazy hours? Am I the only one who has to pull "single Mom duty"? Of course not. And I get that Joe's job is important. He makes good money and he is the primary breadwinner. He needs to work, and he is a very loyal employee, sometimes, I expect, to a fault. I just wish that our family didn't always come second best. Even Joe admitted that he feels like if his life were a pie, work would fill up 75%. I don't see that changing, and I am not sure what to do about it. I know the choices are limited. He can't quit. He is already keeping his eyes open for another position that may have more stable hours but still pays as well. So what do we do?
I know I need to make the best of the situation. I just worry about what it's doing to my boys. Ethan asks me almost every night if Daddy is going to be home early or late. Sometimes he doesn't ask about Daddy at all because he knows Daddy works all the time. I do the best I can, but I'm not Daddy.
I know there is no immediate solution. But venting helps.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Warning...Lots of Whining!
I was not at all surprised to find that the date of my last blog update was February 28th. Life has been so incredibly hectic; I have to admit that I knew that two children would be a lot of work, but I didn't realize that it would be quite so frazzling (is that even a word??)!
Joe has been working long hours and carrying a beeper much more often. That leads to some crazy days and nights for us. For a few weeks, he wasn't getting home until 10, 11, 12 at night which leaves me to pick up both kids from daycare after work, do dinner, bottles, baths, and bedtime by myself. By the time I do that, it's 8:30, and I still have laundry to do and the kids' bag to pack for daycare the next day. I am amazed at single mothers and how they can do this day after day with no help and no break. As you can imagine, Joe's work schedule and our lack of family time has led to quite a few, shall we say, "heated" discussions. I know he has to work because he is the primary breadwinner, but I am so tired of being alone and feeling like our family is coming in a very distant second place. We had a long talk over the weekend, and we're going to try to be more understanding of the other's situation, and try to work together instead of always trying to win the battle of "who has it harder?" I know things eventually have to get better, but I had a huge meltdown Friday night. Maybe we had to hit close to rock bottom in order for us to make things better...
Work has been crazy. I work for a government contractor at a training facility for first responders and emergency management officials. I am helping to plan a large (300+ attendees) conference being held here the first week of June. I've never done it before, and it's been quite a challenging experience along with all the stress at home.
The other thing that is weighing heavily on my mind is that I *think* my daycare provider might be pregnant. I have always known that she wanted to have another child (she has 1 son who is 2), but now I am freaking out about childcare for Ethan and Ryan. Even if she wants to continue to watch my boys, what will I do while she is out on maternity leave?? I have NO backup person at all. I would be forced to take FMLA to stay home with the boys until she was back on her feet. She hasn't come out and told us officially yet, but I am 90% sure that the big announcement is coming soon. Do I hope and pray that her pregnancy goes smoothly and she can watch the boys right up until she delivers? Do I try to find them somewhere else even though I love Miss Kelly and so do the boys? It was next to impossible to find Miss Kelly in the first place, and she is everything you want in a home daycare provider. She is sweet, smart, a former first grade teacher, lives a mile from my house, has a great schedule for the kids, and only takes 3 kids in addition to her own. My stomach is in knots about this, even though I can't do anything about it. I will just have to deal with things as they come, which is one thing that I am horrible at. I am an extreme worrier, to the point that this will probably keep me awake at night.
Any suggestions? What would you do in my situation?
Ethan is fully potty trained! We just started putting him in underwear at night though, and he's been dry for the past 3 nights! Go Ethan! We started trying to teach him to pee standing up, which is when we noticed that his pee goes upwards and sideways instead of down. His pediatrician said that his urethral opening is too narrow, and he referred us to a pediatric urologist. We have an appointment tomorrow morning. I'm sure that they will be able to diagnose the problem and recommend a solution to us (usually it requires a small surgical procedure).
He is the funniest child I've ever met (don't all parents think that about their children??) Here's some examples of some of our recent conversations:
Ethan kicks Miss Kelly's cat door
Joe: Ethan, you know you aren't supposed to do that...why did you do that?
Ethan: I don't know.
Joe: Don't do that again...you need to listen to Miss Kelly's rules.
Ethan: Just ignore me.
__________________________________________________________
Me: Ethan, stop jumping off the couch!
Ethan: I'm a kid, I'm supposed to do bad things.
__________________________________________________________
Me: Ethan, don't touch that cookie yet; you need to have lunch first.
Ethan reaches for cookie.
Me: ETHAN, do NOT touch that cookie...you need to eat lunch first.
Ethan grabs cookie, takes a bite and says "too late."
___________________________________________________________
Ryan is now 6 months and 3 weeks. He is such a laid-back, smiley, mellow baby. He seems to be hitting his milestones slower than Ethan, which I'm told is common for a second child. He rolls very well from back to front, but hasn't figured out how to roll from front to back. He is starting to sit up on his own pretty nicely as well. He smiles big all the time but he is very stingy with giggles and laughs; we have to really work to get those out of him. He is eating baby food 3x a day now and is down to only 3 bottles a day and a small bedtime bottle. At his 6-month checkup, he weighed 21 pounds, 3 ounces (OFF THE CHARTS!) and was 28 inches long (95th percentile). He is so much bigger than Ethan was; Ethan didn't weigh 21 pounds until a year old! Ryan is wearing all 9-month clothes and some 12-months. He's got the chubbiest cheeks and I've been told on many occasions that he looks just like a Gerber baby!
I need to get back to blogging on a regular basis...I think it would help my stress and anxiety to journal it. There is so much more to say, but I'll save it for another time. LUNCH is calling!!
Thursday, February 28, 2008
The New Look
A HUGE thank you to Chelsea for my new blog design!!! Now I guess it's up to me to keep it updated (can't you do that for me too?)
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Two is QUADRUPLE the work!
I can't believe how long it's been since I've updated my blog! How does 3 months go by in the blink of an eye?? So much has happened since my last post. I am going to try to get back into blogging more often, so this post will be an update.
Ryan will be 4 months old on Sunday. No, I'm NOT kidding...4 months already. To me, he looks less and less like Ethan the older he gets. He is also chunky while Ethan was always very scrawny. He isn't rolling over quite yet, but I am in no hurry for him to grow up. He's my last baby, and I want to savor each moment of his babyhood! He smiles with his entire face, and it just cracks me up. We have yet to hear any giggles, but he does squeal and squeak when he gets very excited. He has started to grab at toys and try to get them into his mouth. He absolutely loves his big brother and grins at him all the time.
Ethan just turned 3 and I swear that the 3's are WAY worse than the 2's. My brother tried to tell me and I didn't want to believe him, but he's right! We do a lot of time-outs and taking privileges away. We're also trying desperately to potty train him but we're having very little success. He has a stubborn streak a mile long (wonder WHERE he gets that from??). He is the most amazing little boy, and I stare at him in wonder sometimes. How did I get so blessed to have 2 healthy, adorable boys?
Ethan adjusted to the daycare situation like a champ! All that worrying and crying for nights on end, and he acted like it was NO PROBLEM! He loves Miss Kelly, and he seems to enjoy Ryan being there with him since I went back to work a month ago.
I have tons more updates to do on both Joe and I, and I also need to post my yearly "letter to Ethan on his birthday". I'm just too crazy busy (see the title of this post!)!
I'll try to be back soon!
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
I hope it's harder on me than it is on him...
I am having such a hard time with the idea of switching Ethan's daycare. On Sunday night, I sat down at the computer and typed up a letter to inform his current daycare center that Friday, November 30, is his last day. I cried...and cried...and cried. Ethan has been at KinderCare since he was 12 weeks old. The teachers there have become friends, and his current teacher even babysits for us from time to time. The opportunities for learning there are amazing, and he LOVES "school". He has a "best" friend in his class, and they play great together.
The problem is that Joe and I simply cannot afford to pay tuition for 2 kids there, especially since the infant care alone is $312 a WEEK! We found a great home daycare, where the provider is a former teacher. She only has 4 kids total so I know Ethan will get a lot of one-on-one attention. But will he miss having the opportunity to play with 11 other kids?? Will he miss that group atmosphere? How is he going to handle the transition? How in the world am I going to handle it? People keep telling me that kids are resilient and that he'll be fine, but my heart shatters into a million pieces when I think of the transition. I already told Joe that he has to pick Ethan up next Friday because I will just break down into tears cleaning out his cubby and saying goodbye to his teachers and the other kids. Oh crap...I'm crying now.
Someone who has been through this, please tell me it's going to be okay. I'm more worried about Ethan going to this new daycare than I am about Ryan. Ryan will only ever know Ms. Kelly and home daycare while Ethan is being thrown into an entirely different atmosphere. I know I've chosen the best possible home daycare provider, so why do I feel like I am doing something horrible to Ethan? I feel like he's going to be so sad and confused. Hell, I'm 32 and I feel sad and confused. An almost-3-year old does not understand that Mommy and Daddy can't afford for him to go to KinderCare anymore. The guilt of motherhood just seems never-ending to me.
The problem is that Joe and I simply cannot afford to pay tuition for 2 kids there, especially since the infant care alone is $312 a WEEK! We found a great home daycare, where the provider is a former teacher. She only has 4 kids total so I know Ethan will get a lot of one-on-one attention. But will he miss having the opportunity to play with 11 other kids?? Will he miss that group atmosphere? How is he going to handle the transition? How in the world am I going to handle it? People keep telling me that kids are resilient and that he'll be fine, but my heart shatters into a million pieces when I think of the transition. I already told Joe that he has to pick Ethan up next Friday because I will just break down into tears cleaning out his cubby and saying goodbye to his teachers and the other kids. Oh crap...I'm crying now.
Someone who has been through this, please tell me it's going to be okay. I'm more worried about Ethan going to this new daycare than I am about Ryan. Ryan will only ever know Ms. Kelly and home daycare while Ethan is being thrown into an entirely different atmosphere. I know I've chosen the best possible home daycare provider, so why do I feel like I am doing something horrible to Ethan? I feel like he's going to be so sad and confused. Hell, I'm 32 and I feel sad and confused. An almost-3-year old does not understand that Mommy and Daddy can't afford for him to go to KinderCare anymore. The guilt of motherhood just seems never-ending to me.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
A Long Overdue Welcome!!!
Welcome to the world Ryan Joseph! You made your arrival on Friday, November 2 at 2:40 a.m. (a night-owl like your brother who was born at 1:33 a.m.). You weighed 7 pounds, 6.5 ounces and were 19 and 3/4 inches long. Here's your birth story...
On Halloween, I went to my 38-week routine OB appointment. My doctor was running very late, and I ended up sitting on the exam table with nothing but the paper drape over my bottom half for about 40 minutes. As I was sitting there chatting with Joe, I felt a trickle of fluid. I had been putting a lot of pressure on my bladder and had always had some trouble during the pregnancy with urine leakage, so I didn't think twice about it (even when I got up and noticed a fairly good-sized wet spot on the exam table paper). The doctor came in and checked my cervix, scheduled my induction for November 8 (39 weeks), and I rushed out the door to go pick up Ethan at daycare to get him ready for trick-or-treating.
On Thursday morning (November 1), I headed out the door for my weekly perinatologist appointment and ultrasound. Baby looked great and was measuring nicely for 38 weeks. The u/s tech asked me if I had been leaking fluid, as the fluid was very low. Normal range for amniotic fluid is between 8 and 23. The week prior, my fluid had been at 16. At this exam, it was at 4.8. The doctor came in and I told him about my experience at the doctor's office the day before, and he and I both got a good laugh over the fact that my water had broken IN MY DOCTOR'S OFFICE ON THE EXAM TABLE, but I had not felt it important to mention it to my doctor! Of course, my next question was "what do we do about this?" He looked at me and said "you're having a baby today." He said that because my water had broken many hours ago, he was concerned about infection and that we needed to go ahead and get the baby out. He sent me right over to the hospital. Joe had gone to work (about 55 miles away), so I called him and told him to come to the hospital. I went home and got my hospital bag, called my mom to go with me until Joe could arrive, and off I went.
I was hooked up to some fluid in preparation for my epidural and also given some IV antibiotics. When I arrived at the hospital, I was a good 2-3 cm dilated and about 60% effaced. As I was waiting for my doctor to come in and discuss the best course of action, I was having some contractions on my own. My doctor ended up giving me pitocin to just speed things up and help me along. I got my epidural and quickly progressed. I was feeling some pressure at about 1:30 a.m. so I called the nurse to check me. She said I was 8 cm and it would probably be about 2 hours before I was ready to push. A few contractions later, and the pressure was absolutely unbearable and the urge to push was insane. I called the nurse back and she checked me and said "we need a doctor in here". She had me push with the very next contraction. A few more pushes and the baby's head was right there. Actually, the nurse was holding the baby's head in so that the doctor had time to get into the room and deliver Ryan. I pushed for 7 minutes total and Ryan was born, crying and wiggling all over! I did tear along my episiotomy scar from delivering Ethan and I required some stitches but the recovery has been much easier.
I have a ton more that I want to post, but life with 2 kids is so busy and full. I want to make sure that I capture Ryan's "babyhood" on my blog just like I was able to capture Ethan's. I will TRY to be back with an update this week!
Monday, October 22, 2007
A Way-Overdue Update!
I absolutely cannot believe that I have not updated this blog in 2 months. Life has been so busy, and I just never seem to find that little bit of extra time I need to come on here.
I am 36 weeks and 4 days pregnant. Where has the time gone? I am getting so excited to find out the sex of this little one (although I am 99.9% positive it's another boy) and to meet him/her. On the other hand, this is my last pregnancy, so I'm a bit sad that soon I will no longer feel pokes, jabs, rolls, and kicks all day long.
I am feeling good...much better than I felt at this point in my pregnancy with Ethan. Last Thursday, the perinatologist put me on oral medication at bedtime to help control my fasting sugars. I was on the same medication with Ethan, but about 5 weeks earlier. I had a few high blood pressure readings, but they have come down to a more manageable level, so no bedrest for me yet. I am hoping to avoid bedrest entirely this time around, but we'll see how it goes. I'm taking it one appointment at a time. At my last OB appointment (35 weeks, 6 days), I was dilated 1 cm and 25% effaced. My next appointment is this Wednesday, so I am hoping for a little more progress. I don't know if my doctor plans on inducing me early due to the gestational diabetes, but I do know they won't let me go past 40 weeks, so I only have 3 more weeks to go MAX! I have a perinatologist appointment Thursday morning with an u/s to check the size of the baby. Three weeks ago, the little one was 5 pounds, so I am guessing he/she will be a little over 6 pounds this week.
I have gained a lot less weight this time around. I started out 10 pounds heavier this time, but I have gained 27 pounds at 36 weeks. With Ethan, I had gained about 44 or so at this point. I am hoping to only put on a few more in the next few weeks since I started out heavier. I am hoping to get back to a "reasonable" size faster this time around, although with Thanksgiving and Christmas, that could prove to me difficult! My plan is to allow myself to throughly enjoy Thanksgiving since I've been eating so strictly on the gestational diabetes diet, and then I will buckle down and start getting the weight off.
One of the best pieces of news I have to report is that I finally found daycare for the children!!! I had set aside the daycare issue for a bit after the other one fell through. I checked Craig's List earlier last week and came across a promising listing. I e-mailed the woman and she said she would have space for both children. After several e-mails back and forth, we decided that we would meet on Saturday morning to discuss further details. Well, in her e-mail, she mentioned she had a son named Clayton. The name rang a bell and I remembered a little boy from the park where I had taken Ethan a few weeks ago, and his name was Clayton. Ethan had played with Clayton that day, and I had chatted with his Mom for a few minutes while Clayton rolled a ball to me across a picnic table. I asked her (in an e-mail) if this could possibly have been her, and it WAS! What are the odds???
Anyway, we met and she is wonderful! She is a former teacher and is only planning on having 4 kids total in her care. She has a preschool curriculum for ages 2-5 that she will be using with Ethan, and the best part....she is 1.09 miles from my house!!!! Her rates are on the higher end of home daycare, but still loads cheaper than what we would pay to put both kids into KinderCare, where Ethan is now. I am dropping off a deposit for Ethan on Wednesday, and we plan to start him there the first or second week of December. We would like him to stay at his current center for a few weeks after the baby is born so we don't disrupt his routine too much.
Joe is on the search for a new job. He likes where he is, but they have recently taken away his company vehicle. With a 55-mile one-way commute, the extra cost of gas (plus the wear and tear on the car) is hurting us. He'd also like a pay increase since he is way underpaid for what he does, and with the addition of a second child, the money is much needed. Hopefully, he'll find something promising soon.
I think that's all the updating I have time for right now....lunch is calling!
I am 36 weeks and 4 days pregnant. Where has the time gone? I am getting so excited to find out the sex of this little one (although I am 99.9% positive it's another boy) and to meet him/her. On the other hand, this is my last pregnancy, so I'm a bit sad that soon I will no longer feel pokes, jabs, rolls, and kicks all day long.
I am feeling good...much better than I felt at this point in my pregnancy with Ethan. Last Thursday, the perinatologist put me on oral medication at bedtime to help control my fasting sugars. I was on the same medication with Ethan, but about 5 weeks earlier. I had a few high blood pressure readings, but they have come down to a more manageable level, so no bedrest for me yet. I am hoping to avoid bedrest entirely this time around, but we'll see how it goes. I'm taking it one appointment at a time. At my last OB appointment (35 weeks, 6 days), I was dilated 1 cm and 25% effaced. My next appointment is this Wednesday, so I am hoping for a little more progress. I don't know if my doctor plans on inducing me early due to the gestational diabetes, but I do know they won't let me go past 40 weeks, so I only have 3 more weeks to go MAX! I have a perinatologist appointment Thursday morning with an u/s to check the size of the baby. Three weeks ago, the little one was 5 pounds, so I am guessing he/she will be a little over 6 pounds this week.
I have gained a lot less weight this time around. I started out 10 pounds heavier this time, but I have gained 27 pounds at 36 weeks. With Ethan, I had gained about 44 or so at this point. I am hoping to only put on a few more in the next few weeks since I started out heavier. I am hoping to get back to a "reasonable" size faster this time around, although with Thanksgiving and Christmas, that could prove to me difficult! My plan is to allow myself to throughly enjoy Thanksgiving since I've been eating so strictly on the gestational diabetes diet, and then I will buckle down and start getting the weight off.
One of the best pieces of news I have to report is that I finally found daycare for the children!!! I had set aside the daycare issue for a bit after the other one fell through. I checked Craig's List earlier last week and came across a promising listing. I e-mailed the woman and she said she would have space for both children. After several e-mails back and forth, we decided that we would meet on Saturday morning to discuss further details. Well, in her e-mail, she mentioned she had a son named Clayton. The name rang a bell and I remembered a little boy from the park where I had taken Ethan a few weeks ago, and his name was Clayton. Ethan had played with Clayton that day, and I had chatted with his Mom for a few minutes while Clayton rolled a ball to me across a picnic table. I asked her (in an e-mail) if this could possibly have been her, and it WAS! What are the odds???
Anyway, we met and she is wonderful! She is a former teacher and is only planning on having 4 kids total in her care. She has a preschool curriculum for ages 2-5 that she will be using with Ethan, and the best part....she is 1.09 miles from my house!!!! Her rates are on the higher end of home daycare, but still loads cheaper than what we would pay to put both kids into KinderCare, where Ethan is now. I am dropping off a deposit for Ethan on Wednesday, and we plan to start him there the first or second week of December. We would like him to stay at his current center for a few weeks after the baby is born so we don't disrupt his routine too much.
Joe is on the search for a new job. He likes where he is, but they have recently taken away his company vehicle. With a 55-mile one-way commute, the extra cost of gas (plus the wear and tear on the car) is hurting us. He'd also like a pay increase since he is way underpaid for what he does, and with the addition of a second child, the money is much needed. Hopefully, he'll find something promising soon.
I think that's all the updating I have time for right now....lunch is calling!
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
More Shit To Deal With
1. I failed my second 3-hour glucose test and have been officially diagnosed with gestational diabetes again. I met with the dietician and have begun the diet. Now I remember what a pain it was and how difficult it was to plan all my meals and eat at specific times, etc. Now it's even harder with a toddler around. My fasting numbers have been up the past 4 days , so I am guessing that it won't be long before I am put on medication at bedtime again to help control those numbers. I have started taking a 10-minute walk after lunch and a 25-minute walk on the treadmill after dinner. Today I am starting a 10-minute walk after breakfast too since that number has been creeping up.
I'm just trying to hang in there and take one day at a time. In the grand scheme of things, this diagnosis is an easy one to deal with, and I know I am getting awesome care with Maryland Perinatal Associates. I had an appointment Friday with them for an ultrasound to check the baby's growth. Baby is measuring at 2 pounds, 13 ounces which is in the 60th percentile. I go back September 13th for another growth ultrasound.
2. My blood pressure is creeping up again this pregnancy. Right now, it's on the high side of normal, but the perinatologist wants me to take it every other day and call my doctor if I get two readings of 140/90 or higher. The perinatologist said that he won't put me on bedrest but he would put me on medication. Just one more thing to worry about.
3. I had decided to stop worrying about the daycare issue for awhile because it was causing me terrible stress and lots of sleepless nights and upset stomachs. Well, I happened to find a woman on a local Mom's group who said she would have openings for both children in January/February. I e-mailed her and we took Ethan to visit on Friday evening. Her program and setup was awesome! She is nationally accredited and uses a pre-school program for the 2-4 year olds. She lives on an acre of land with plenty of room for the kids to run. We left her house Friday night feeling so confident that we had found "the" place for our children. I e-mailed her yesterday and told her we'd like to move forward and secure the children's spots with a deposit. Imagine my disappointment when she e-mailed me back and told me that the current family that was moving had decided to take their house off the market, therefore not freeing up the spot she had planned to give to Ethan. All I could do was cry when I read that. We're back to sqare one again with no current leads. I'm having trouble believing that this is all going to work out in the end. Send up some prayers that someone else comes along that Joe and I feel comfortable with.
I'm just trying to hang in there and take one day at a time. In the grand scheme of things, this diagnosis is an easy one to deal with, and I know I am getting awesome care with Maryland Perinatal Associates. I had an appointment Friday with them for an ultrasound to check the baby's growth. Baby is measuring at 2 pounds, 13 ounces which is in the 60th percentile. I go back September 13th for another growth ultrasound.
2. My blood pressure is creeping up again this pregnancy. Right now, it's on the high side of normal, but the perinatologist wants me to take it every other day and call my doctor if I get two readings of 140/90 or higher. The perinatologist said that he won't put me on bedrest but he would put me on medication. Just one more thing to worry about.
3. I had decided to stop worrying about the daycare issue for awhile because it was causing me terrible stress and lots of sleepless nights and upset stomachs. Well, I happened to find a woman on a local Mom's group who said she would have openings for both children in January/February. I e-mailed her and we took Ethan to visit on Friday evening. Her program and setup was awesome! She is nationally accredited and uses a pre-school program for the 2-4 year olds. She lives on an acre of land with plenty of room for the kids to run. We left her house Friday night feeling so confident that we had found "the" place for our children. I e-mailed her yesterday and told her we'd like to move forward and secure the children's spots with a deposit. Imagine my disappointment when she e-mailed me back and told me that the current family that was moving had decided to take their house off the market, therefore not freeing up the spot she had planned to give to Ethan. All I could do was cry when I read that. We're back to sqare one again with no current leads. I'm having trouble believing that this is all going to work out in the end. Send up some prayers that someone else comes along that Joe and I feel comfortable with.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Unsettled
I notice that I only come here to post when something is bothering me. I need to remind myself to come here and post the good things (because there are plenty!)
For today though, I am feeling afraid, anxious, and unsettled. I feel like the farther along in my pregnancy I get, the more the old anxious and worried I become. I feel like I felt when I first went on the Zoloft a few years ago. I can pinpoint some of the thing that are triggering my feelings.
1. Daycare. I still do not have any idea what we are going to do for daycare for Ethan and the new baby. Because we keep getting the same answer from all the home daycares ("check back with me when the time gets closer"), I think Joe and I have pretty much put this issue on the back burner for now.
2. My health. My blood pressure is holding steady at about 134/88 which is borderline high. The OB said that if it gets too high, I will be on bedrest regardless of whether or not they also try medication to stabilize it. I was on bedrest for 3 weeks with Ethan, and I just cannot do it this time around. If I am on bedrest and can't work, how will I afford to pay daycare?? If I can't afford daycare, who is going to take care of Ethan while I'm on bedrest? I still have to take the 3-hour glucose test (AGAIN!) on Monday. If I pass it this time, I'm in the clear for the rest of the pregnancy. If I fail it, I will be diagnosed with GD and begin the diet and blood monitoring. Even though I know what I am dealing with this time, I still don't WANT to deal with it, if that makes sense. Why can't I just have easy, carefree pregnancies?
3. My body. I feel so incredibly ashamed of my body. I started out this pregnancy 10 pounds heavier than with Ethan, and I feel every extra pound. I had hoped to gain a lot less than I did the first time, but that isn't working out as planned (why am I NOT surprised??) I feel HUGE and ugly. I wonder what Joe thinks of me as we walk in the mall and see the little toothpick girls with adorable baby bumps and even more adorable maternity clothes. I wonder if he really WAS ashamed to bring me to his company picnic. I wonder if he doesn't want to have sex because of how paranoid he is to hurt me or the baby (which is what he says) or if it's because I am as big as a whale and probably even more unattractive. I am getting new stretch marks everyday and let's not even talk about the cellulite on my ass and thighs. All I can think about is how hard it was last time to lose the weight, and how I'm even bigger this time around. I WANT to be and feel sexy for my husband. I WANT to wear cute clothes and be a "cool" mom once this baby is born. My fear is that I won't be able to do it and I'll stay fat and frumpy.
4. My marriage. I feel like Joe and I have a strong marriage. We support each other and work awesome as a team. And we are raising a pretty kick-ass son as well! But I miss the carefree times we had when we were young and childless. I miss going out drinking with my husband and pawing each other at the end of the night, eagerly anticipating the great sex that would follow. I miss having the time to sit and chat about everything and nothing. I didn't mind not having sex much during my first pregnancy because I honestly didn't want it. But this time around, I have wanted it much more and I just feel like it's "my fault" that we're not having it. Realistically, I know we both wanted this baby very much, but I feel like it's ME that's interrupting our sex life. Because of that, I feel guilty and I worry that Joe won't want me anymore. There, I said it. One of my biggest fears is that my husband will leave me and I will end up as a single mom to 2 kids. Do I have any reason to believe this? No...but that doesn't make the fear any less real.
5. Money. With 2 kids in daycare, money is going to be very tight. VERY tight. Will we make it work? Of course. Things always do tend to work out, but getting there is the hard part. Having the faith to believe it is even harder.
6. Being the mom of 2. Will I be able to handle being a full-time employee as well as the mom of 2 kids, especially with a husband who works long hours? How will Ethan handle not being the center of Mommy and Daddy's world? Will I be able to juggle everything??
Whew....
For today though, I am feeling afraid, anxious, and unsettled. I feel like the farther along in my pregnancy I get, the more the old anxious and worried I become. I feel like I felt when I first went on the Zoloft a few years ago. I can pinpoint some of the thing that are triggering my feelings.
1. Daycare. I still do not have any idea what we are going to do for daycare for Ethan and the new baby. Because we keep getting the same answer from all the home daycares ("check back with me when the time gets closer"), I think Joe and I have pretty much put this issue on the back burner for now.
2. My health. My blood pressure is holding steady at about 134/88 which is borderline high. The OB said that if it gets too high, I will be on bedrest regardless of whether or not they also try medication to stabilize it. I was on bedrest for 3 weeks with Ethan, and I just cannot do it this time around. If I am on bedrest and can't work, how will I afford to pay daycare?? If I can't afford daycare, who is going to take care of Ethan while I'm on bedrest? I still have to take the 3-hour glucose test (AGAIN!) on Monday. If I pass it this time, I'm in the clear for the rest of the pregnancy. If I fail it, I will be diagnosed with GD and begin the diet and blood monitoring. Even though I know what I am dealing with this time, I still don't WANT to deal with it, if that makes sense. Why can't I just have easy, carefree pregnancies?
3. My body. I feel so incredibly ashamed of my body. I started out this pregnancy 10 pounds heavier than with Ethan, and I feel every extra pound. I had hoped to gain a lot less than I did the first time, but that isn't working out as planned (why am I NOT surprised??) I feel HUGE and ugly. I wonder what Joe thinks of me as we walk in the mall and see the little toothpick girls with adorable baby bumps and even more adorable maternity clothes. I wonder if he really WAS ashamed to bring me to his company picnic. I wonder if he doesn't want to have sex because of how paranoid he is to hurt me or the baby (which is what he says) or if it's because I am as big as a whale and probably even more unattractive. I am getting new stretch marks everyday and let's not even talk about the cellulite on my ass and thighs. All I can think about is how hard it was last time to lose the weight, and how I'm even bigger this time around. I WANT to be and feel sexy for my husband. I WANT to wear cute clothes and be a "cool" mom once this baby is born. My fear is that I won't be able to do it and I'll stay fat and frumpy.
4. My marriage. I feel like Joe and I have a strong marriage. We support each other and work awesome as a team. And we are raising a pretty kick-ass son as well! But I miss the carefree times we had when we were young and childless. I miss going out drinking with my husband and pawing each other at the end of the night, eagerly anticipating the great sex that would follow. I miss having the time to sit and chat about everything and nothing. I didn't mind not having sex much during my first pregnancy because I honestly didn't want it. But this time around, I have wanted it much more and I just feel like it's "my fault" that we're not having it. Realistically, I know we both wanted this baby very much, but I feel like it's ME that's interrupting our sex life. Because of that, I feel guilty and I worry that Joe won't want me anymore. There, I said it. One of my biggest fears is that my husband will leave me and I will end up as a single mom to 2 kids. Do I have any reason to believe this? No...but that doesn't make the fear any less real.
5. Money. With 2 kids in daycare, money is going to be very tight. VERY tight. Will we make it work? Of course. Things always do tend to work out, but getting there is the hard part. Having the faith to believe it is even harder.
6. Being the mom of 2. Will I be able to handle being a full-time employee as well as the mom of 2 kids, especially with a husband who works long hours? How will Ethan handle not being the center of Mommy and Daddy's world? Will I be able to juggle everything??
Whew....
Monday, July 30, 2007
I Can't Stand Myself
I mean that. I am so crazy irritable. The mood swings are ridiculous, and if you would ask Joe, he would say, frequent. I find myself being annoyed at everything and everyone; feeling like no one understands me; and wanting to crawl into bed and just sleep and sleep and sleep. If this is pregnancy hormones, it's going to be a long 15 weeks!!!
The worst part is that besides the whole daycare issue, I honestly have no truly valid reason for being Ms. Bitch. I am making mountains out of molehills about everything. We had a terrible thunderstorm Saturday night which woke Ethan up. By the time we got him settled back down, it was after midnight. Between midnight and 6 a.m., I was up to pee 4 times. When Ethan woke up, he was kicking and banging the wall in his room. Joe slept on beside me and never moved. After several minutes of lying there, I got up with Ethan and took him out to the living room. 45 minutes later, Joe comes out and doesn't say "thanks for getting up with him" or "how long have you two been up?" Instead, he goes to lie down on the couch as I'm feeding Ethan his breakfast. Annoying? YES! But I let it eat at me and set the tone for the entire day. From then on, I was highly irritated with everything that was going on in the house. Joe got poop on his leg while changing Ethan's pull-up, and he started saying "Godammit" and yelling for help. That irritated me even more...it's poop. Wash it off and move on with life. My reactions to things are so over the top, and I know it's pushing Joe away because he (rightly) feels like he can't do anything right.
Is this hormones, stress, exhaustion, a combination of any of those things?? All I know is that if I can't stand myself, how do I expect my husband and the rest of my family to support me and want to be with me? Any suggestions on how I pull myself out of this funk and become a bit happier and more content? I'm sure Joe would thank you a billion times!
The worst part is that besides the whole daycare issue, I honestly have no truly valid reason for being Ms. Bitch. I am making mountains out of molehills about everything. We had a terrible thunderstorm Saturday night which woke Ethan up. By the time we got him settled back down, it was after midnight. Between midnight and 6 a.m., I was up to pee 4 times. When Ethan woke up, he was kicking and banging the wall in his room. Joe slept on beside me and never moved. After several minutes of lying there, I got up with Ethan and took him out to the living room. 45 minutes later, Joe comes out and doesn't say "thanks for getting up with him" or "how long have you two been up?" Instead, he goes to lie down on the couch as I'm feeding Ethan his breakfast. Annoying? YES! But I let it eat at me and set the tone for the entire day. From then on, I was highly irritated with everything that was going on in the house. Joe got poop on his leg while changing Ethan's pull-up, and he started saying "Godammit" and yelling for help. That irritated me even more...it's poop. Wash it off and move on with life. My reactions to things are so over the top, and I know it's pushing Joe away because he (rightly) feels like he can't do anything right.
Is this hormones, stress, exhaustion, a combination of any of those things?? All I know is that if I can't stand myself, how do I expect my husband and the rest of my family to support me and want to be with me? Any suggestions on how I pull myself out of this funk and become a bit happier and more content? I'm sure Joe would thank you a billion times!
Friday, July 27, 2007
Wanting to Pull My Hair Out!
When will the madness end?? Joe called several more childcare providers that were given to him by our local Childcare Choices agency. Most of them had no openings. I told him that I had found several that we needed to call, and he started insisting that he had already called them all, even though the original numbers he called weren't even with him at the time. One of the listings wasn't in a very good area, and I told him that I didn't want the kids there, and he got all bent out of shape saying that now I was putting all these different criteria on him, etc. He got mad and started yelling at me and then ended the conversation by saying that he was turning everything over to me and I could handle it all! Now THAT'S gonna help my already rapidly increasing blood pressure, and the stress levels on the baby.
This issue is causing so much stress and now it's leading to fighting and problems between me and Joe. I wish a simple solution would jump out at us so we could move on and be happy about the baby. It seems to be casting such a dark shadow over everything. The more we fight about it, the more I feel guilty about having a second child, because I start thinking that maybe we can't afford it. My excitement about having two children has been replaced by anxiety and fear, and now stress over finding a daycare for them.
I found a local mommies group that has a website and there is a forum designed for working moms. I have posted a message in the hopes of getting some recommendations from other working moms about where might be a great place for the kids. We'll see what kinds of responses I get, if any.
I don't think I ever realized it would be this hard. Add this issue to working 45 hours per week, commuting a total of 5 hours per week, taking care of Ethan in the evenings, and being 24 weeks pregnant, and I have just about had it. Ethan is 3 weeks shy of 2 and 1/2 and boy, is he acting out! He is still generally a great kid and well behaved, but he has started becoming defiant and acting out, mostly with me since I think he knows I am more of a pushover than Daddy. I know it's normal, I know it's a phase, but it still stresses me out after working all day and being tired from the pregnancy.
AGGHH, Calgon....take me away!
This issue is causing so much stress and now it's leading to fighting and problems between me and Joe. I wish a simple solution would jump out at us so we could move on and be happy about the baby. It seems to be casting such a dark shadow over everything. The more we fight about it, the more I feel guilty about having a second child, because I start thinking that maybe we can't afford it. My excitement about having two children has been replaced by anxiety and fear, and now stress over finding a daycare for them.
I found a local mommies group that has a website and there is a forum designed for working moms. I have posted a message in the hopes of getting some recommendations from other working moms about where might be a great place for the kids. We'll see what kinds of responses I get, if any.
I don't think I ever realized it would be this hard. Add this issue to working 45 hours per week, commuting a total of 5 hours per week, taking care of Ethan in the evenings, and being 24 weeks pregnant, and I have just about had it. Ethan is 3 weeks shy of 2 and 1/2 and boy, is he acting out! He is still generally a great kid and well behaved, but he has started becoming defiant and acting out, mostly with me since I think he knows I am more of a pushover than Daddy. I know it's normal, I know it's a phase, but it still stresses me out after working all day and being tired from the pregnancy.
AGGHH, Calgon....take me away!
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Complete Frustration!
I am so incredibly frustrated right now. Joe has made several phone calls to various home daycare centers in our area. All of them are saying that they don't know what kind of spaces they will have available when we're ready to put the baby into daycare (around January or so). While I can understand that, it doesn't make the search for a good home daycare center easy. If I wait until the baby is born and then start calling and interviewing (when I'm exhausted from taking care of a newborn and a toddler), I'll end up having to choose a provider based on who has space for two children, not based on who would care for my children best.
I'm scared and anxious at this point. No one wants to commit to saying that they can take an infant and a 3-year old in January because they might fill up those spots sooner than that. What the heck do I do?? I am starting to feel like my only option is going to be staying home with the kids, and I am not at all sure that that is the best choice for everyone involved either. I feel lost, confused, frustrated, and very scared that I will be forced to quit my job simply because I don't have daycare for my kids. And I have to admit that I am extremely picky when it comes to choosing a daycare. I work with some people who choose by price alone, and I just can't imagine doing that. I want a provider who will do things with my children, not plop them in front of a tv all day long or leave the baby in a playpen. Ethan is in a daycare center and he does so many fun activities, crafts, games, shows, etc. I want that for him and for the new baby.
My stomach is churning, and my mind is spinning. I'll come back later when my thoughts are a bit clearer.
I'm scared and anxious at this point. No one wants to commit to saying that they can take an infant and a 3-year old in January because they might fill up those spots sooner than that. What the heck do I do?? I am starting to feel like my only option is going to be staying home with the kids, and I am not at all sure that that is the best choice for everyone involved either. I feel lost, confused, frustrated, and very scared that I will be forced to quit my job simply because I don't have daycare for my kids. And I have to admit that I am extremely picky when it comes to choosing a daycare. I work with some people who choose by price alone, and I just can't imagine doing that. I want a provider who will do things with my children, not plop them in front of a tv all day long or leave the baby in a playpen. Ethan is in a daycare center and he does so many fun activities, crafts, games, shows, etc. I want that for him and for the new baby.
My stomach is churning, and my mind is spinning. I'll come back later when my thoughts are a bit clearer.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Another Month Gone By
It seems I am averaging an update on here only once a month now. I have so much to say, but so little time most days.
I've been in a bit of a funk lately. I am now just about 24 weeks pregnant and doing well so far. I had to take the 1-hour glucose test at 20 weeks (which I failed), and then the 3-hour the week after (which I passed). Because I had GD with Ethan, I am taking another 3-hour test at about 27 weeks or so. If I pass that, I'm hoping I'm in the clear, but I'm not sure yet. My blood pressure has been creeping up again (just like it did with Ethan), and the doctor had me do a 24-hour urine collection test, which came back normal. For now, they are just monitoring it closely, but I am so afraid that I will end up on bedrest again and this time even earlier. There is so much more to consider this time, like taking care of Ethan and paying for daycare if I am unable to work. I know I need to take one day at a time and deal with the issues as they come, but it's so tough to do that with my anxiety issues.
Speaking of daycare, I am no closer to figuring out what to do with both kids come February. I know that Joe and I need to stop procrastinating and do something, but I don't want to. Thinking about taking Ethan out of where he is now makes me feel sick. He is so happy there, and Joe and I are happy with him there too. This is such a tough decision and there is no perfect solution. Thinking about this whole situation keeps me up at night and makes me sick to my stomach.
I'm not sure where this funk is coming from. I know some of it is coming from the way I am feeling about myself. I started out this pregnancy 10 pounds heavier than I did with Ethan, and I have gained about 21 pounds as of my last doctor's appointment at 23 weeks. I look enormous and I feel even more enormous. Couple that with Joe's total fear of having sex when I'm pregnant, and I can't help feeling so disconnected from him. I feel like he is embarrassed of me being this large. And it's not all belly...I think I am having quads: one in each thigh, one in my ass, and one in my belly. Most of my XL maternity clothes are getting tight already. He had a company picnic a few weeks ago, and he mentioned it only in passing. When I asked more about it, he said he didn't want to go because no one he really knew was going (we went last year). Then he also said that he knew I was self-conscious of my size right now and that he thought I wouldn't want to go. That made me feel like HE was the one embarrassed of my size. I feel so incredibly unattractive ALL the time, and I wonder how in the world I am going to lose the weight when the baby is born RIGHT before Thanksgiving and Christmas. I tried everything to lose the weight with Ethan and was finally able to take most of it off with Jenny Craig. With 2 kids, there is no way I will be able to afford Jenny Craig again.
I don't feel special to my husband anymore. I feel like we take each other for granted. I love Joe more than anything, and I know he loves me too...that's not the point. We have been so focused on moving, getting settled, Ethan, work, etc., that it's been tough to really connect with each other. He never tells me I look nice anymore (even whales must have a good hair day every now and then) or asks me how I am feeling just out of the blue. I think even he has forgotten how tough it is for a woman to be pregnant, to work full time, and to take care of a toddler. I just wish he would "pamper" me a bit more. Boy, I sound really spoiled, don't I??
Some of the funk is coming from a financial aspect. I don't regret moving to a better neighborhood, better school system, and a bigger house, but that increased our mortgage by $500. Add to that the cost of putting a second child into daycare and I almost feel like I can't breathe. Sometimes I even feel guilty for having a second child because I think "maybe I really can't afford it."
And, of course, some of the funk comes from plain old pregnancy hormones and not being on Zoloft now since I found out I was pregnant.
On a brighter note, Ethan is incredible. He is turning into the funniest, happiest, and sweetest little boy any Mommy could wish for. He's truly a wonderful and loving child and I feel so blessed to be able to give him a brother or a sister (he keeps asking for a sister!). Only 3.5 months to go before we find out! It's so hard to believe that my "baby" will be 2 and 1/2 in just a matter of weeks.
Thanks for letting me ramble...it feels good just to get it all out and try to let the negative feelings go.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
An Update That's Way Overdue
What can I say...life is HECTIC! Am I really ready for another baby???
We've been in the new house for a month and we are still not settled in completely. Working full time and taking care of Ethan (oh, and being 20 weeks pregnant) does not leave much time or energy for unpacking and getting things settled. We are having out-of-state company next week, so I better get my butt in gear! As soon as the house starts looking livable, I will take some pictures. Ethan is having a blast playing on his new deck and outside in the yard. I watch him and realize that moving out of our townhouse was the best thing we could have done for him and for the baby on the way.
Speaking of baby on the way, I had my big ultrasound yesterday. We didn't want to know the sex, but I think it's another boy. The profile pic they gave us looks just like Ethan did in his profile pic around the same time. Only time will tell, but I do think my Mom is going to end up with 4 grandsons and no girl to spoil. We've decided on Ryan Joseph for a boy and either Krista Michelle or Jenna Michelle for a girl..I'm leaning towards Jenna and I think Joe is leaning toward Krista.
At the ultrasound, the doctor told us that the baby has what's called an echogenic cardiac focus, which is a calcium deposit on one of the heart muscles. It causes no harm to the baby in utero and once it's born. However, it is considered a "soft marker" for Down Syndrome. The doctor feels that with the results of my first trimester screening and bloodwork (1 in >10,000) plus the fact that there were no other markers, that the baby is fine. He said he sees this particular marker every single day and 95% of those have no other markers for Down Syndrome. He said that because the ultrasound equipment is now so high-tech, they are seeing more and more instances of this. Of course, I was worried and my face must have shown it because the doctor said "I don't want you to go home and worry about this at all. Let me tell you when to worry." He doesn't recommend an amnio because the risk of miscarriage (1 in 500) far outweighs my new risk of having a baby with DS (1 in 5,000). Joe and I are pretty sure that the baby is just fine as this is a very common issue in "Normal" babies.
My other concern these days is daycare. Ethan has gone to a daycare center (a national chain) since he was 12 weeks old. We love this daycare. He has thrived there and learned so much, and the teachers have become like friends to us. One of them even babysits for Ethan every so often. The problem: it's crazy expensive!!! Full-time infant care is $311 per week, and it's $200 per week for Ethan. If you do the math (which is not my best subject by the way), that's $2000 a month for child care!!!!!!!!! With a bigger mortgage payment, that just is not going to happen! Most of the other centers in our area are about the same price; we just wouldn't save enough to justify making the switch. That leaves home daycare or me staying home. I have so many concerns about each option:
How do I go about finding a home daycare?? I am so against plopping a child in front of the tv all day, and how will I know that that's not happening? With one provider, where is the accountability? With one provider, I need a backup plan if she is sick and can't take the kids. I have no relatives that could be my backup as my Mom works full time. That means Joe or I would be taking off if she was sick. Of course, home daycare would be much more affordable for us, and I could continue to work full time and provide us with some "extra" money for fun things.
If I stay at home (and we aren't even sure we can afford this option yet), will the kids get the stimulus they need? Ethan is so used to being on a set schedule and having all his friends to play with. I feel like I would be robbing him of an environment he loves so much and thrives in. I also don't think that I am cut out to be a SAHM (no judgments please!)...that's just how I feel. Joe works long hours, and I feel like I would resent him because I would always be with the kids, with no break even a night since he often doesn't get home until Ethan is in bed. The other thing to consider is that even though I am not satisfied with my job, it does pay well, has a great commute, and offers a great deal of flexibility. I am able to leave at a moment's notice if Ethan is sick, with no questions asked. If I give this job up to stay home, what happens in 5 years when I am ready to work again? I also carry the health insurance for the entire family, I contribute to savings and a 401K plan. I would have none of that if I stayed at home.
What to do, what to do? I am due in 20 weeks, and each time I even think about what to do about daycare, I feel sick to my stomach. It keeps me up at night. Joe and I have been avoiding the discussion for weeks now because in a perfect world, we would both kids in the center where Ethan is now and I would keep working. Why isn't the world perfect??? Any suggestions anyone??? I know a lot of you out there use home daycare...tell me how you found your provider and what your experience has been so far.
In other news, we took Ethan to Sesame Place and had a blast! I think meeting and hugging Elmo will be the highlight of his 2-year old life. I will post pics as soon as I can upload them. I am thinking about getting tickets to Sesame Street Live when the tour comes our way in September. I think he'd have so much fun. We are taking him to the DC Zoo next Friday...pray for some decent (and not unGodly hot) weather please!
I think I have rambled on enough for one post....If you got this far, thanks for reading!!!
We've been in the new house for a month and we are still not settled in completely. Working full time and taking care of Ethan (oh, and being 20 weeks pregnant) does not leave much time or energy for unpacking and getting things settled. We are having out-of-state company next week, so I better get my butt in gear! As soon as the house starts looking livable, I will take some pictures. Ethan is having a blast playing on his new deck and outside in the yard. I watch him and realize that moving out of our townhouse was the best thing we could have done for him and for the baby on the way.
Speaking of baby on the way, I had my big ultrasound yesterday. We didn't want to know the sex, but I think it's another boy. The profile pic they gave us looks just like Ethan did in his profile pic around the same time. Only time will tell, but I do think my Mom is going to end up with 4 grandsons and no girl to spoil. We've decided on Ryan Joseph for a boy and either Krista Michelle or Jenna Michelle for a girl..I'm leaning towards Jenna and I think Joe is leaning toward Krista.
At the ultrasound, the doctor told us that the baby has what's called an echogenic cardiac focus, which is a calcium deposit on one of the heart muscles. It causes no harm to the baby in utero and once it's born. However, it is considered a "soft marker" for Down Syndrome. The doctor feels that with the results of my first trimester screening and bloodwork (1 in >10,000) plus the fact that there were no other markers, that the baby is fine. He said he sees this particular marker every single day and 95% of those have no other markers for Down Syndrome. He said that because the ultrasound equipment is now so high-tech, they are seeing more and more instances of this. Of course, I was worried and my face must have shown it because the doctor said "I don't want you to go home and worry about this at all. Let me tell you when to worry." He doesn't recommend an amnio because the risk of miscarriage (1 in 500) far outweighs my new risk of having a baby with DS (1 in 5,000). Joe and I are pretty sure that the baby is just fine as this is a very common issue in "Normal" babies.
My other concern these days is daycare. Ethan has gone to a daycare center (a national chain) since he was 12 weeks old. We love this daycare. He has thrived there and learned so much, and the teachers have become like friends to us. One of them even babysits for Ethan every so often. The problem: it's crazy expensive!!! Full-time infant care is $311 per week, and it's $200 per week for Ethan. If you do the math (which is not my best subject by the way), that's $2000 a month for child care!!!!!!!!! With a bigger mortgage payment, that just is not going to happen! Most of the other centers in our area are about the same price; we just wouldn't save enough to justify making the switch. That leaves home daycare or me staying home. I have so many concerns about each option:
How do I go about finding a home daycare?? I am so against plopping a child in front of the tv all day, and how will I know that that's not happening? With one provider, where is the accountability? With one provider, I need a backup plan if she is sick and can't take the kids. I have no relatives that could be my backup as my Mom works full time. That means Joe or I would be taking off if she was sick. Of course, home daycare would be much more affordable for us, and I could continue to work full time and provide us with some "extra" money for fun things.
If I stay at home (and we aren't even sure we can afford this option yet), will the kids get the stimulus they need? Ethan is so used to being on a set schedule and having all his friends to play with. I feel like I would be robbing him of an environment he loves so much and thrives in. I also don't think that I am cut out to be a SAHM (no judgments please!)...that's just how I feel. Joe works long hours, and I feel like I would resent him because I would always be with the kids, with no break even a night since he often doesn't get home until Ethan is in bed. The other thing to consider is that even though I am not satisfied with my job, it does pay well, has a great commute, and offers a great deal of flexibility. I am able to leave at a moment's notice if Ethan is sick, with no questions asked. If I give this job up to stay home, what happens in 5 years when I am ready to work again? I also carry the health insurance for the entire family, I contribute to savings and a 401K plan. I would have none of that if I stayed at home.
What to do, what to do? I am due in 20 weeks, and each time I even think about what to do about daycare, I feel sick to my stomach. It keeps me up at night. Joe and I have been avoiding the discussion for weeks now because in a perfect world, we would both kids in the center where Ethan is now and I would keep working. Why isn't the world perfect??? Any suggestions anyone??? I know a lot of you out there use home daycare...tell me how you found your provider and what your experience has been so far.
In other news, we took Ethan to Sesame Place and had a blast! I think meeting and hugging Elmo will be the highlight of his 2-year old life. I will post pics as soon as I can upload them. I am thinking about getting tickets to Sesame Street Live when the tour comes our way in September. I think he'd have so much fun. We are taking him to the DC Zoo next Friday...pray for some decent (and not unGodly hot) weather please!
I think I have rambled on enough for one post....If you got this far, thanks for reading!!!
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
House and Baby Update
We are set to close on both our old house and new house on May 29th, just 6 days from now! Our appraisal came in $5,000 lower than our asking price so we dropped the price and the sale is going through. We've been busy packing...and packing...and packing. I don't know how 2 people could have accumulated so much stuff in the 7 years we've lived in our house.
Moving is very bittersweet though. Our townhouse is the first house that Joe and I have owned. Before that, we always lived in apartments because he was in the Army. This is the house that we brought Ethan home to, the house he took his first steps in, and the house where he spoke his first word. I remember the excitement of decorating his room, not knowing if we'd be bringing home a boy or a girl. I remember rocking him in the middle of the night, praying he'd go back to sleep so I could too.
I know that our new house will hold even more memories, as Ethan grows into a little boy and we bring home his brother or sister. The new house will be the house of Ethan's childhood, the house where our family makes memories that will last a lifetime. I'm trying to look ahead and not back, but it definitely hurts a little to leave our house.
The baby is doing well. We had the first trimester screening, and the results came in great. The chances of me having a baby with Down Syndrome or Trisomy 18 are 1 in >10,000. That's all the testing we're having down for the rest of the pregnancy. I had my 13-week appointment on May 10 and we got to hear the heartbeat for the first time. Since then, I have rented a Baby Beat home doppler, which arrived yesterday. Joe found the heartbeat almost right away, and it was awesome for just the two of us to hear it without being in the doctor's office. I am now 15 weeks already!
I'm sure it will be another 3 weeks before I get a chance to update this blog again since we'll be so busy with the move, and then we are taking Ethan to Sesame Place for a weekend. He's been such a trooper through all of the packing and chaos that he deserves some fun and some one-on-one time with Mommy and Daddy.
On a totally different note, I think I'm going to have to get Joe drunk! When I was pregnant with Ethan, he was totally weird about having sex so we didn't do it very much if at all. At the beginning of this pregnancy, I had no interest in sex since I was tired and queasy all the time, but now I feel better and I wish he'd put the moves on me!!!!!!!!!! He gets very tipsy very quickly when he drinks champagne, so I think I'll have to get him some to celebrate our new house! LOL
Moving is very bittersweet though. Our townhouse is the first house that Joe and I have owned. Before that, we always lived in apartments because he was in the Army. This is the house that we brought Ethan home to, the house he took his first steps in, and the house where he spoke his first word. I remember the excitement of decorating his room, not knowing if we'd be bringing home a boy or a girl. I remember rocking him in the middle of the night, praying he'd go back to sleep so I could too.
I know that our new house will hold even more memories, as Ethan grows into a little boy and we bring home his brother or sister. The new house will be the house of Ethan's childhood, the house where our family makes memories that will last a lifetime. I'm trying to look ahead and not back, but it definitely hurts a little to leave our house.
The baby is doing well. We had the first trimester screening, and the results came in great. The chances of me having a baby with Down Syndrome or Trisomy 18 are 1 in >10,000. That's all the testing we're having down for the rest of the pregnancy. I had my 13-week appointment on May 10 and we got to hear the heartbeat for the first time. Since then, I have rented a Baby Beat home doppler, which arrived yesterday. Joe found the heartbeat almost right away, and it was awesome for just the two of us to hear it without being in the doctor's office. I am now 15 weeks already!
I'm sure it will be another 3 weeks before I get a chance to update this blog again since we'll be so busy with the move, and then we are taking Ethan to Sesame Place for a weekend. He's been such a trooper through all of the packing and chaos that he deserves some fun and some one-on-one time with Mommy and Daddy.
On a totally different note, I think I'm going to have to get Joe drunk! When I was pregnant with Ethan, he was totally weird about having sex so we didn't do it very much if at all. At the beginning of this pregnancy, I had no interest in sex since I was tired and queasy all the time, but now I feel better and I wish he'd put the moves on me!!!!!!!!!! He gets very tipsy very quickly when he drinks champagne, so I think I'll have to get him some to celebrate our new house! LOL
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
My brain is too fried to think of a title
On Friday evening, we received an offer on our house. The couple offered us full price for our house, but they wanted 3% in closing costs, which is the maximum allowed in the State of Maryland. We signed the offer on Sunday morning and now the fun begins. The home inspection on our house is today, and we are praying that nothing major is found. One of the biggest hurdles we need to worry about is the home appraisal. Our realtor is a bit concerned that the appraisal may not be as high as our asking price. That would mean that we would have to drop our price. In doing so, we would also drop the amount of closing costs we would provide to the buyers. Because they are cash-poor, we are worried this may make them back out of the deal, and we'll have to start all over.
For now, we are taking one step at a time and sending up lots of prayers. We are scheduled to close on our house on May 29th (only 4 WEEKS AWAY!) and on our new house the same day. I've arranged for a moving truck and we've managed to scrounge up a little bit of manpower to help out with the heavy stuff. Now I've got to start packing. I know everything will work out, but geesh, this is stressful stuff!
In other news, I've been so consumed by the house stuff that I haven't worried about the baby! I had a lot of stretching pains over the weekend, and my tummy does seem a bit rounder, so I'm praying Little Elmo in there is happily growing. I am anxiously awaiting my doctor's appointment and ultrasound this Friday. I am hoping all the results from the first trimester screening come back okay. Then I have another routine OB appointment on May 10th. We'll probably get to hear the heartbeat. Then it's on to the second trimester...where is the time going??
For now, we are taking one step at a time and sending up lots of prayers. We are scheduled to close on our house on May 29th (only 4 WEEKS AWAY!) and on our new house the same day. I've arranged for a moving truck and we've managed to scrounge up a little bit of manpower to help out with the heavy stuff. Now I've got to start packing. I know everything will work out, but geesh, this is stressful stuff!
In other news, I've been so consumed by the house stuff that I haven't worried about the baby! I had a lot of stretching pains over the weekend, and my tummy does seem a bit rounder, so I'm praying Little Elmo in there is happily growing. I am anxiously awaiting my doctor's appointment and ultrasound this Friday. I am hoping all the results from the first trimester screening come back okay. Then I have another routine OB appointment on May 10th. We'll probably get to hear the heartbeat. Then it's on to the second trimester...where is the time going??
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Worry
I was never a worrier until I became a Mom. Then something inside me clicked, and I am a constant, irrational, obsessive worrier. About 8 months after Ethan was born, I went on Zoloft and that seemed to help calm the worries (somewhat). As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I went off the Zoloft, and I have been doing fairly well...until now.
I cannot stop reading all the statistics about women who have seen a heartbeat on ultrasound only to go on and miscarry weeks later. I visit the November 2007 board on Baby Center, and there are several stories of women that this has already happened to. One click of the mouse and Google has informed me that your chances of miscarrying don't go down until you can see the heartbeat on an abdominal ultrasound (not vaginal) or hear it with a Doppler. Of course, I am now freaking out and analyzing every symptom (or lack thereof) that I'm having. I had some ligament stretching pain on Saturday night, but nothing since then. I've irrationally thought several times that maybe it's because Little Elmo's heart stopped beating and he/she is not growing anymore. I drive everyone around me insane with my worrying, but it's not like I can help it. It's not like I WANT to make myself crazy with worry.
I am 10 weeks pregnant today. I go for the first trimester screen next Friday...10 days away. 10 days filled with obsessive worrying. 10 days until I can see Elmo again and see that heart beating. My next routine OB appointment is May 9 (15 days from now but who's counting?). At that point, we should be able to hear the heartbeat on the Doppler. I am still queasy and tired. I want to feel more stretching ligaments (hurt me baby, hurt me!).
My doctor said it was perfectly safe for me to take Zoloft during the pregnancy, and I am starting to consider that option. I didn't want to, but I don't know if I can take this worrying for much longer. I don't know if the people around me can take the worrying for much longer. I feel helpless and out of control. I don't understand why I can't be "normal" and not worry like crazy about things I have no control over. I wish I could just curl up in bed and sleep until my next appointment. What makes me even more mad is that I never used to be like this.
I cannot stop reading all the statistics about women who have seen a heartbeat on ultrasound only to go on and miscarry weeks later. I visit the November 2007 board on Baby Center, and there are several stories of women that this has already happened to. One click of the mouse and Google has informed me that your chances of miscarrying don't go down until you can see the heartbeat on an abdominal ultrasound (not vaginal) or hear it with a Doppler. Of course, I am now freaking out and analyzing every symptom (or lack thereof) that I'm having. I had some ligament stretching pain on Saturday night, but nothing since then. I've irrationally thought several times that maybe it's because Little Elmo's heart stopped beating and he/she is not growing anymore. I drive everyone around me insane with my worrying, but it's not like I can help it. It's not like I WANT to make myself crazy with worry.
I am 10 weeks pregnant today. I go for the first trimester screen next Friday...10 days away. 10 days filled with obsessive worrying. 10 days until I can see Elmo again and see that heart beating. My next routine OB appointment is May 9 (15 days from now but who's counting?). At that point, we should be able to hear the heartbeat on the Doppler. I am still queasy and tired. I want to feel more stretching ligaments (hurt me baby, hurt me!).
My doctor said it was perfectly safe for me to take Zoloft during the pregnancy, and I am starting to consider that option. I didn't want to, but I don't know if I can take this worrying for much longer. I don't know if the people around me can take the worrying for much longer. I feel helpless and out of control. I don't understand why I can't be "normal" and not worry like crazy about things I have no control over. I wish I could just curl up in bed and sleep until my next appointment. What makes me even more mad is that I never used to be like this.
Friday, April 20, 2007
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Crazy Lady
I have so many things I've been wanting to blog about, but I find that I'm just never in the mood.
This pregnancy has turned me into a CRAZY LADY (yes, I used capital letters!). I don't remember ever feeling this way when I was pregnant with Ethan. I am either very sad and emotional, or I feel bitchy and mean, and everything that anyone says rubs me entirely the wrong way.
One of the things that's been bothering me is that I just don't feel "special" this time around. I know it's silly and selfish of me to want to be treated specially just because I'm pregnant, but I do. This is my last time being pregnant, and I want to enjoy it. Instead, I find myself struggling to take care of Ethan in the evenings when I am exhausted, keep up with piles and piles of laundry, and basically take care of a billion other things. My Mom scolded me the other day for carrying a load of laundry down the stairs, but who else is going to do it for me?? Unfortunately, Joe has not been around much in the evenings to give me a hand with things like that or with Ethan.
Now, I have to go off on a bit of a tangent here and say how wonderful Joe is when he IS around. He is an extremely attentive and loving husband, and a great father. When he's home on weekends, he'll help me clean or he'll even send me and Ethan to do some errands so he can clean. He's always willing to run out to grab me a Dairy Queen Blizzard (something my hips, ass, and thighs don't need, but that's another story entirely!) or whatever my latest craving might be. It's just that lately he's not around much, leaving me to shoulder most of the work during the week. I don't necessarily resent him because I know he's working hard to support his family, but I am TIRED. Being pregnant with #2 (or more for that matter) is entirely different than #1. With #1, I could come home and put my feet up for however long I wanted to. There was no little voice asking me for juice every 2 seconds. The fatigue is much greater this time around, and I've been queasy every day since about 4 weeks.
I have no right to complain about ANYTHING! I have a fantastic husband, a wonderful little boy, and I'm expecting another baby. What is it about pregnancy that turns sweet (okay, maybe I'm normally a little less than 100% sweet) into crazy ladies?? When will it end??
*******************
On another note, I had my first OB appointment last Tuesday with an ultrasound. The baby has now officially been nicknamed Elmo. Elmo has a heartbeat that was 166 bpm and was measuring 8 weeks. I go for my first trimester screen in 2 weeks, so I will have another ultrasound as well as some bloodwork. It's hard to believe that I am already 9weeks, 2 days pregnant. The time is flying by so quickly already. I know I should be thankful because towards the end, it's going to drag and drag.
*******************
Our house is officially on the market. We've had 4 showings in less than a week, so we're hoping that's a good sign. We are planning on having an open house next weekend. The offer that we put in on another house was accepted and the closing date is scheduled for June 29th. Joe and I are both stressed because we went in non-contingent on the offer, meaning if we don't sell our house by June 29th, we'll be paying double mortgages until our house finally sells. So please cross your fingers that we sell our house quickly!
******************
Ethan is absolutely amazing. He is a very comical little boy, and what makes it even more funny is that he KNOWS he's funny. I think he has a future as a class clown, just like his Daddy. He is talking in complete sentences now, and we're trying to teach him colors and numbers. He insists that everything is yellow! I haven't really told him much about the new baby yet. I figured I would wait until my belly starts to get a lot bigger. I did tell him that Mommy is going to have a baby and right now it's in her belly. I mentioned once to him one of the names that Joe and I are tossing around if it's a girl, and now he calls the baby that all the time. Maybe he knows something we don't??
******************
I think it's time to end this post before the CRAZY LADY comes back!
This pregnancy has turned me into a CRAZY LADY (yes, I used capital letters!). I don't remember ever feeling this way when I was pregnant with Ethan. I am either very sad and emotional, or I feel bitchy and mean, and everything that anyone says rubs me entirely the wrong way.
One of the things that's been bothering me is that I just don't feel "special" this time around. I know it's silly and selfish of me to want to be treated specially just because I'm pregnant, but I do. This is my last time being pregnant, and I want to enjoy it. Instead, I find myself struggling to take care of Ethan in the evenings when I am exhausted, keep up with piles and piles of laundry, and basically take care of a billion other things. My Mom scolded me the other day for carrying a load of laundry down the stairs, but who else is going to do it for me?? Unfortunately, Joe has not been around much in the evenings to give me a hand with things like that or with Ethan.
Now, I have to go off on a bit of a tangent here and say how wonderful Joe is when he IS around. He is an extremely attentive and loving husband, and a great father. When he's home on weekends, he'll help me clean or he'll even send me and Ethan to do some errands so he can clean. He's always willing to run out to grab me a Dairy Queen Blizzard (something my hips, ass, and thighs don't need, but that's another story entirely!) or whatever my latest craving might be. It's just that lately he's not around much, leaving me to shoulder most of the work during the week. I don't necessarily resent him because I know he's working hard to support his family, but I am TIRED. Being pregnant with #2 (or more for that matter) is entirely different than #1. With #1, I could come home and put my feet up for however long I wanted to. There was no little voice asking me for juice every 2 seconds. The fatigue is much greater this time around, and I've been queasy every day since about 4 weeks.
I have no right to complain about ANYTHING! I have a fantastic husband, a wonderful little boy, and I'm expecting another baby. What is it about pregnancy that turns sweet (okay, maybe I'm normally a little less than 100% sweet) into crazy ladies?? When will it end??
*******************
On another note, I had my first OB appointment last Tuesday with an ultrasound. The baby has now officially been nicknamed Elmo. Elmo has a heartbeat that was 166 bpm and was measuring 8 weeks. I go for my first trimester screen in 2 weeks, so I will have another ultrasound as well as some bloodwork. It's hard to believe that I am already 9weeks, 2 days pregnant. The time is flying by so quickly already. I know I should be thankful because towards the end, it's going to drag and drag.
*******************
Our house is officially on the market. We've had 4 showings in less than a week, so we're hoping that's a good sign. We are planning on having an open house next weekend. The offer that we put in on another house was accepted and the closing date is scheduled for June 29th. Joe and I are both stressed because we went in non-contingent on the offer, meaning if we don't sell our house by June 29th, we'll be paying double mortgages until our house finally sells. So please cross your fingers that we sell our house quickly!
******************
Ethan is absolutely amazing. He is a very comical little boy, and what makes it even more funny is that he KNOWS he's funny. I think he has a future as a class clown, just like his Daddy. He is talking in complete sentences now, and we're trying to teach him colors and numbers. He insists that everything is yellow! I haven't really told him much about the new baby yet. I figured I would wait until my belly starts to get a lot bigger. I did tell him that Mommy is going to have a baby and right now it's in her belly. I mentioned once to him one of the names that Joe and I are tossing around if it's a girl, and now he calls the baby that all the time. Maybe he knows something we don't??
******************
I think it's time to end this post before the CRAZY LADY comes back!
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