My life and my blog have become a broken record. It's Monday night at 7 p.m., and Joe hasn't even left work yet, nor does he know when he expects to. Because he works quite a distance from home, even if he left right this minute, I wouldn't see him before I headed up to bed. Friday night, he walked through the door at 11 p.m.
Maybe some days I could handle this, but not today. I have PMS. I missed aerobics again tonight because Joe wasn't home to watch Ethan. I have a horrible sore throat. I have to take notes for a 3-day conference at work starting tomorrow. I am exhausted. I have nothing ironed for tomorrow. Ethan has been screaming since I picked him up at daycare. And so you see, I CAN'T handle Joe being late again tonight.
I am one big ball of resentment right now. I want to scream and yell, but what good would it really do? Would that make Joe walk through the door any earlier? Would it make my son suddenly turn happy? Would it make my sore throat go away? (that's a no-brainer!)
And so I sit and stew and fume. And things will be tense again between Joe and I, me always pulling and him always pushing. We both want what's best for our son, but to me, that means having him around more, and to him, it means providing for him. Somehow we have to find some middle ground.
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I haven't updated lately on my weight loss journey. I'm still struggling and yo-yo'ing around with a few pounds. I have managed to lose the weight I gained at my brother's over July 4th and when my parents came to visit a few weeks ago. Now I just have to buckle down and lose 30 more!! I'm still following the WW Core plan as much as possible. With all the stress lately, I have fallen off the wagon a few times.
Lately, I have wondered why God decided to make some of us struggle so much with our weight, while others can seemingly eat anything they want and still have model-thin bodies. I have a friend who is 5'9" and a size 4. She has a little girl 3 months older than Ethan. She appears to have never given birth. WHY??? Why do I still have so far to go?? Why couldn't He have just given us all the ability to easily maintain a healthy weight?
Sigh. Sure wish I had some answers tonight.
Monday, July 25, 2005
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Identity Crisis
I think that I have forgotten who I am. Somewhere in this journey of becoming a mother, I've lost myself. In January of 2004, when Joe and I decided to try to conceive, I began taking vitamins and eating healthy and refraining from drinking too much alcohol, all in preparation of nourishing a child. When we did conceive in June of '04, life was turned upside down and all we could think about was our future child. I thought about the baby everytime I put something in my mouth (how many times have I eaten tuna this week??), every time I drank (hmm...too much caffeine? What about asparatame?), every time I exercised (is my heart rate too high?), rode in a car (is the seatbelt placed properly?), and so on.
I thought that once the baby came, he would fit right into our lives and we would just keep plugging along. Boy, was I wrong. I don't necessarily mean this in a bad way. Ethan is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. But what happened to Laura? I suddenly only have one identity: Ethan's mommy. I spend so much time being Ethan's mommy that I think I forget to be a wife, a daughter, a sister, an employee, and most importantly, myself. I don't do things anymore that used to bring me happiness because I just don't have time. I don't spend time in front of the mirror carefully applying makeup or blow-drying my hair just so. I don't painstakingly plan dinners for two or surprise my husband with a night out. I don't run a bubble bath for Joe and I. It just doesn't fit into our daily life anymore.
It took me 5 months to realize that parenthood is more than just bringing a child home and caring for him/her day in and day out. Parenthood is a total transformation of life as you know it. I miss the person I used to be, but I'm also completely in love with my new role as a mother. I miss the spontaneity Joe and I used to have, but I'm in love with the way he looks at our son.
How do I find myself? And even if I did manage to recapture who I was before, is that the person I'm meant to be? Life is about growing and changing and finding our own path in the world. Maybe this is my path...maybe it's not, but it sure is a heck of a ride so far.
I thought that once the baby came, he would fit right into our lives and we would just keep plugging along. Boy, was I wrong. I don't necessarily mean this in a bad way. Ethan is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. But what happened to Laura? I suddenly only have one identity: Ethan's mommy. I spend so much time being Ethan's mommy that I think I forget to be a wife, a daughter, a sister, an employee, and most importantly, myself. I don't do things anymore that used to bring me happiness because I just don't have time. I don't spend time in front of the mirror carefully applying makeup or blow-drying my hair just so. I don't painstakingly plan dinners for two or surprise my husband with a night out. I don't run a bubble bath for Joe and I. It just doesn't fit into our daily life anymore.
It took me 5 months to realize that parenthood is more than just bringing a child home and caring for him/her day in and day out. Parenthood is a total transformation of life as you know it. I miss the person I used to be, but I'm also completely in love with my new role as a mother. I miss the spontaneity Joe and I used to have, but I'm in love with the way he looks at our son.
How do I find myself? And even if I did manage to recapture who I was before, is that the person I'm meant to be? Life is about growing and changing and finding our own path in the world. Maybe this is my path...maybe it's not, but it sure is a heck of a ride so far.
Sunday, July 17, 2005
The Mommy Look
Yes, I now officially have the "Mommy Look". You know the one I'm talking about...messy hair, little or no makeup, wrinkled clothes with at least one formula stain, stubbly legs, and a frazzled look. I always thought that I would be a Mom who really had it together and put all the other Mommies to shame. Boy, was I wrong!
My time is so limited and so focused on Ethan that I'm lucky I make it out the door on a weekday morning on time! I wake up at 5:45 a.m. and pray that Ethan is still sleeping. Showers in the morning have become a thing of the past since my hair takes too long to blow dry. I shove my contacts in, brush my teeth, slap on a bit of makeup (just so I don't scare my co-workers), run a brush through my hair, and find whatever is in my closet that is the least wrinkled, the least stained, and the least tight. Then it's time to get Ethan up, changed, dressed, and fed. If he's fairly cooperative, this can be one of my easier tasks of the morning, but if he feels like sucking his toes while I'm trying to get him dressed, or watching the dogs play instead of taking his bottle, it can be a trying ordeal. Once Ethan's fed, if I have a few extra minutes, I'll wash bottles or clean up his toys, and feed the dogs. I swear there have been days that neither dog got any food!
Then it's out the door at 7 a.m. to take Ethan to daycare and off to work so that I can arrive by 8 a.m. WHEW! By this time, I am ready for my breakfast and a cup of tea! I work with mostly women, who all have children, and luckily they have all perfected their own "Mommy Look". We compare wrinkles, formula stains, and belly pooches like we were talking about the latest fashions. It's truly amazing how easy it is to join the "Mommy Club".
In the evenings, it's just as chaotic but in reverse, kind of like that roller coaster at Hershey Park that takes you forward and then backwards. I pick Ethan up from daycare and hope he doesn't scream all the way home. then it's time for him to be fed his cereal and bottle. Most nights, if Joe is working late (like he has been recently), I don't eat dinner until Ethan goes to bed at 8 p.m. Then I rush around shoving food in my mouth, washing bottles and labeling them for daycare, running a load of laundry, and trying to get myself ready for bed. Each day is a whirlwhind, that's for sure.
It's amazing how much I used to care about each hair and if it was perfectly in place, or did my outfit look okay on me. Now all of that just takes way too much time, time better spent playing with Ethan for those few spare moments in the morning, or rocking him to sleep in the evenings.
All in all, I guess you could say that the "Mommy Look" comes with its own rewards!
My time is so limited and so focused on Ethan that I'm lucky I make it out the door on a weekday morning on time! I wake up at 5:45 a.m. and pray that Ethan is still sleeping. Showers in the morning have become a thing of the past since my hair takes too long to blow dry. I shove my contacts in, brush my teeth, slap on a bit of makeup (just so I don't scare my co-workers), run a brush through my hair, and find whatever is in my closet that is the least wrinkled, the least stained, and the least tight. Then it's time to get Ethan up, changed, dressed, and fed. If he's fairly cooperative, this can be one of my easier tasks of the morning, but if he feels like sucking his toes while I'm trying to get him dressed, or watching the dogs play instead of taking his bottle, it can be a trying ordeal. Once Ethan's fed, if I have a few extra minutes, I'll wash bottles or clean up his toys, and feed the dogs. I swear there have been days that neither dog got any food!
Then it's out the door at 7 a.m. to take Ethan to daycare and off to work so that I can arrive by 8 a.m. WHEW! By this time, I am ready for my breakfast and a cup of tea! I work with mostly women, who all have children, and luckily they have all perfected their own "Mommy Look". We compare wrinkles, formula stains, and belly pooches like we were talking about the latest fashions. It's truly amazing how easy it is to join the "Mommy Club".
In the evenings, it's just as chaotic but in reverse, kind of like that roller coaster at Hershey Park that takes you forward and then backwards. I pick Ethan up from daycare and hope he doesn't scream all the way home. then it's time for him to be fed his cereal and bottle. Most nights, if Joe is working late (like he has been recently), I don't eat dinner until Ethan goes to bed at 8 p.m. Then I rush around shoving food in my mouth, washing bottles and labeling them for daycare, running a load of laundry, and trying to get myself ready for bed. Each day is a whirlwhind, that's for sure.
It's amazing how much I used to care about each hair and if it was perfectly in place, or did my outfit look okay on me. Now all of that just takes way too much time, time better spent playing with Ethan for those few spare moments in the morning, or rocking him to sleep in the evenings.
All in all, I guess you could say that the "Mommy Look" comes with its own rewards!
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Stuck in a Rut
My life is in a heck of a rut right now. Most days, I wake up and I feel like I am just barely keeping my head above water. Joe's job is an extremely demanding one; he works in the telecommunications field on government contracts, so deadlines are tight, hours are long, and stress is high. For the past month or so, the overtime hours have been increasing and increasing, and the hours are just completely unreasonable. For instance, Joe left for work Tuesday at 6:30 a.m. He got home from work on Wednesday at 4:45 a.m.!!!! Yes, a 22-hour workday. He stayed home most of the day yesterday, but then went in at 8 p.m. and didn't get home until 2 a.m. this morning. He will be up by 8 a.m. and on the road to work again. He also worked on Saturday from 9 a.m. until 7 p.m. I try to understand that this job is putting food on the table, a roof over our heads, and it's providing for our son. But he is giving so much of his time and energy to his job that he has nothing left to give to me and Ethan. Most nights, Ethan is already in bed by the time he gets home from work. He leaves for work in the mornings right after Ethan wakes up. I am the one who gets him dressed, feeds him, and takes him to daycare. Joe was supposed to be the one picking him up from daycare at the end of the day, but I honestly can't remember the last time he was able to. We never eat dinner together because he's never home on time, I can't go to my aerobics class because I have no one to watch Ethan, and I feel the resentment creeping in. I didn't sign up to be a single parent. We both planned for and wanted a baby, and Ethan deserves to have his Daddy around.
To make matters worse, Joe is leaving on Sunday for three days for a training class in Texas. I won't be able to go to aerobics Monday or Wednesday night, because I have no one to watch Ethan. At this point, we are both hoping and praying that things slow down at his job for awhile so we can catch our breath and reconnect as a couple. With him working so much, we've barely had time to talk, especially with my parents visiting for a few days. Joe loves his job, and he is so good at it (of course, that's part of the problem!), and I want that for him. But I also want a husband and a father who is there for his family. It's a rough road right now, but we're trying to struggle through.
I'm in a rut with my weight loss. I was doing so well and then we went up to Boston to visit my brother. I ate terribly and gained about 3 pounds. Came home and began eating healthy again, and lost the 3 pounds. Parents came to visit on Sunday, ate terribly for 4 days, and gained 3 pounds again. Now I am back to eating healthy and hoping the 3 pounds come off again. I've lost about 4 weeks of time when I could have been losing weight. Instead, I spent it yo-yo'ing back and forth with 3 darn pounds. I know I can't focus on what's in the past; I know I need to just eat healthy, try to get some exercise, and it will eventually come off, but it's still very, very frustrating.
My parents are in a rut with their house in Florida because it just won't sell. There is no chance that it will sell during the height of the hurricane season (which lasts until November), so they are looking at at least another 6 months in Florida. My Dad has had zero luck finding a job in Maryland. They are sad, frustrated, financially drained, and lonely down there in Florida. I wish there was something I could do, but I can't. Joe and I can't wait for them to move closer. We have no family close enough to babysit for us, and we have no friends. We've found it hard to meet people our own age because we live in an older neighborhood.
With all these ruts in my life, it's no wonder I feel like life is just one long, bumpy road lately. Ruts or no ruts, this is the life I have right now, and I'm trying my hardest to make the best of it. Today is just a bad day. My parents left to go home, and I'm feeling sad and a bit lonely already. Tomorrow will be better (I hope).
My son is the biggest joy in my life. He giggled at me this morning, and for those moments, I forgot about every little thing wrong with my life, and realized what is so very right: Ethan.
To make matters worse, Joe is leaving on Sunday for three days for a training class in Texas. I won't be able to go to aerobics Monday or Wednesday night, because I have no one to watch Ethan. At this point, we are both hoping and praying that things slow down at his job for awhile so we can catch our breath and reconnect as a couple. With him working so much, we've barely had time to talk, especially with my parents visiting for a few days. Joe loves his job, and he is so good at it (of course, that's part of the problem!), and I want that for him. But I also want a husband and a father who is there for his family. It's a rough road right now, but we're trying to struggle through.
I'm in a rut with my weight loss. I was doing so well and then we went up to Boston to visit my brother. I ate terribly and gained about 3 pounds. Came home and began eating healthy again, and lost the 3 pounds. Parents came to visit on Sunday, ate terribly for 4 days, and gained 3 pounds again. Now I am back to eating healthy and hoping the 3 pounds come off again. I've lost about 4 weeks of time when I could have been losing weight. Instead, I spent it yo-yo'ing back and forth with 3 darn pounds. I know I can't focus on what's in the past; I know I need to just eat healthy, try to get some exercise, and it will eventually come off, but it's still very, very frustrating.
My parents are in a rut with their house in Florida because it just won't sell. There is no chance that it will sell during the height of the hurricane season (which lasts until November), so they are looking at at least another 6 months in Florida. My Dad has had zero luck finding a job in Maryland. They are sad, frustrated, financially drained, and lonely down there in Florida. I wish there was something I could do, but I can't. Joe and I can't wait for them to move closer. We have no family close enough to babysit for us, and we have no friends. We've found it hard to meet people our own age because we live in an older neighborhood.
With all these ruts in my life, it's no wonder I feel like life is just one long, bumpy road lately. Ruts or no ruts, this is the life I have right now, and I'm trying my hardest to make the best of it. Today is just a bad day. My parents left to go home, and I'm feeling sad and a bit lonely already. Tomorrow will be better (I hope).
My son is the biggest joy in my life. He giggled at me this morning, and for those moments, I forgot about every little thing wrong with my life, and realized what is so very right: Ethan.
Friday, July 08, 2005
Finding His Groove
Since returning home from our trip to Massachusetts to visit my brother, his wife, and my nephew, Ethan really seems to have gotten into his groove. He seems much happier since we came home, and he giggles more regularly now. He is back on a schedule in terms of eating and sleeping, and boy does that make a huge difference in his mood! I'll enjoy it because the teething monster could creep back into the picture at any moment!
I weighed in at Weight Watchers before leaving on the trip and I was down 2.6 pounds. I was absolutely elated! Until...I went away and ate pizza, Chinese food, ice cream, and cake! UGGH..I am now up 3 pounds. I have got to work really hard to take that off. I can't believe I lost all that willpower and ate so many unhealthy things. Now it will set me back 2 weeks or so. *Sigh* But what are you gonna do? Just get back on the wagon and start again. Today is a new day.
My parents are coming to visit this weekend from Florida. I am so looking forward to that. Still no word on their house or on a job for my Dad. We're all still in limbo. It breaks my heart to hear how depressed and hopeless they sound, and with the recent hurricanes out in the Caribbean, they have been even more worried about how the rest of hurricane season is going to play out. I pray that God's plan will soon become clear to them, and that they can find some peace in the meantime.
Today I am so incredibly thankful that Sara and Nate will soon be bringing home their precious little boys! They are so deserving of the happiness that the boys will bring into their home, and I can't wait to meet them!
I weighed in at Weight Watchers before leaving on the trip and I was down 2.6 pounds. I was absolutely elated! Until...I went away and ate pizza, Chinese food, ice cream, and cake! UGGH..I am now up 3 pounds. I have got to work really hard to take that off. I can't believe I lost all that willpower and ate so many unhealthy things. Now it will set me back 2 weeks or so. *Sigh* But what are you gonna do? Just get back on the wagon and start again. Today is a new day.
My parents are coming to visit this weekend from Florida. I am so looking forward to that. Still no word on their house or on a job for my Dad. We're all still in limbo. It breaks my heart to hear how depressed and hopeless they sound, and with the recent hurricanes out in the Caribbean, they have been even more worried about how the rest of hurricane season is going to play out. I pray that God's plan will soon become clear to them, and that they can find some peace in the meantime.
Today I am so incredibly thankful that Sara and Nate will soon be bringing home their precious little boys! They are so deserving of the happiness that the boys will bring into their home, and I can't wait to meet them!
Friday, June 24, 2005
Catching Up
I realized how long it's been since I have posted here. It seems like the days all run together and before I know it, a week or 10 days has gone by.
Ethan was sick with a sinus infection last week and we struggled with the amoxicillin they put him on. It just didn't agree with his little system, so they switched it to something else which seemed to work much better. He was a trooper through it all though! I made him giggle for the first time this past Monday....what an incredible moment that was for me. To explain how it felt in one word is just: JOY. It's amazing to look at my little boy, that Joe and I created, and watch his personality develop. I can't wait for each new day, because I know he will continue to amaze me and delight me.
I weighed in at Weight Watchers on June 16th, and I had only lost .4 pounds. I was a bit discouraged, but hey, what are you gonna do? I had a tough weekend and ate a little bit here and there of things I shouldn't. I got right back on track Monday morning, and at weigh-in yesterday, I was down 1.6 pounds. I am a bit nervous about how I'll do when we go away for July 4th weekend. I tend to fall back to my old habits when I am not at home, or when I am around others who are not dieting. I just have to keep reminding myself how far I have come, and how far I still have to go.
My Dad has not heard any news about jobs in Maryland. It is depressing and frustrating for my parents, and I hate to hear the sound of defeat in their voices. I keep praying that something will happen so that they can go ahead and move up here to Maryland. One of these days, my prayers are bound to be answered.
Sorry for the boring post...:)
Ethan was sick with a sinus infection last week and we struggled with the amoxicillin they put him on. It just didn't agree with his little system, so they switched it to something else which seemed to work much better. He was a trooper through it all though! I made him giggle for the first time this past Monday....what an incredible moment that was for me. To explain how it felt in one word is just: JOY. It's amazing to look at my little boy, that Joe and I created, and watch his personality develop. I can't wait for each new day, because I know he will continue to amaze me and delight me.
I weighed in at Weight Watchers on June 16th, and I had only lost .4 pounds. I was a bit discouraged, but hey, what are you gonna do? I had a tough weekend and ate a little bit here and there of things I shouldn't. I got right back on track Monday morning, and at weigh-in yesterday, I was down 1.6 pounds. I am a bit nervous about how I'll do when we go away for July 4th weekend. I tend to fall back to my old habits when I am not at home, or when I am around others who are not dieting. I just have to keep reminding myself how far I have come, and how far I still have to go.
My Dad has not heard any news about jobs in Maryland. It is depressing and frustrating for my parents, and I hate to hear the sound of defeat in their voices. I keep praying that something will happen so that they can go ahead and move up here to Maryland. One of these days, my prayers are bound to be answered.
Sorry for the boring post...:)
Monday, June 13, 2005
Cautiously Hopeful
My dad has a lengthy phone interview with a company in Maryland today at 9 a.m. I am cautiously hopeful that it will go well, and they will want to meet him face-to-face. This could be their big break...the job they've been counting on in order to move up here. I know my Dad is so cautious about getting his hopes up, because he has had many, many interviews but not many job offers. I said a prayer right at 9 a.m. that God would give him the strength and the wisdom to do well during his interview.
Ethan had a bit of a rough weekend. He learned to roll over a little more than a week ago, but now he wants to roll over in the middle of the night! Then he starts crying because he doesn't want to be on his tummy anymore, and Joe or I have to get up and flip him back over. I can't wait until he can roll the other way. He has a sinus infection, so the pediatrician put him on 10 days of amoxicillin. He is better, but the medicine is giving him diarrhea. It's always something! LOL I put a call in to the doctor to see if he wants to switch his meds to something else.
I am amazed at how much Ethan seems to be growing and changing each day. He is holding onto toys now and babbling a mile a minute to them. He turns his head to watch my two dogs play, and when Daddy is around, he just follows him all over with his eyes. I am anxious for his 4-month checkup (except for the shots!) next week to see how much he has grown, and to see if the dr. thinks he is ready for cereal. We are taking Ethan up to Massachusetts over July 4th weekend to meet a bunch of my family that he has never met. It will be an adventure traveling 9 hours each way with an infant, but I know everyone will love meeting him. It's important to me because I want my grandmother to get to meet her great-grandson.
The weight loss seems to be going well. I am doing great at sticking to the plan and only splurging once in a while. At WW weigh-in on Thursday, I had lost 2.8 pounds. I hope to continue to lose at least a pound a week. I know July 4th will be hard, but hopefully if I don't lose, I can at least maintain.
Ethan had a bit of a rough weekend. He learned to roll over a little more than a week ago, but now he wants to roll over in the middle of the night! Then he starts crying because he doesn't want to be on his tummy anymore, and Joe or I have to get up and flip him back over. I can't wait until he can roll the other way. He has a sinus infection, so the pediatrician put him on 10 days of amoxicillin. He is better, but the medicine is giving him diarrhea. It's always something! LOL I put a call in to the doctor to see if he wants to switch his meds to something else.
I am amazed at how much Ethan seems to be growing and changing each day. He is holding onto toys now and babbling a mile a minute to them. He turns his head to watch my two dogs play, and when Daddy is around, he just follows him all over with his eyes. I am anxious for his 4-month checkup (except for the shots!) next week to see how much he has grown, and to see if the dr. thinks he is ready for cereal. We are taking Ethan up to Massachusetts over July 4th weekend to meet a bunch of my family that he has never met. It will be an adventure traveling 9 hours each way with an infant, but I know everyone will love meeting him. It's important to me because I want my grandmother to get to meet her great-grandson.
The weight loss seems to be going well. I am doing great at sticking to the plan and only splurging once in a while. At WW weigh-in on Thursday, I had lost 2.8 pounds. I hope to continue to lose at least a pound a week. I know July 4th will be hard, but hopefully if I don't lose, I can at least maintain.
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Milestone
Ethan learned to roll over from his back to his tummy this past weekend! I had him on the counter getting him undressed for his bath, and he rolled to his side (which he has been doing for about 2 weeks). But then he kept rolling until he went all the way over! What an amazing moment it was for both Joe and I. We thought he just got lucky that one time, but the next day, he kept rolling over every time we put him on his back. It's so funny how when your child reaches each milestone, you feel like your child is the ONLY one to ever do it. You feel such pride. It sounds so cheesy, and trust me, I never thought I would feel the way I do, but I do!
I'm not entirely sure how the weight loss is going. I officially joined Weight Watchers on Thursday, June 2 and attended the 30-minute meeting. I will be going again this Thursday to get weighed in and attend another meeting. I feel healthier and I like the fact that I am making good food choices 99% of the time. I just hope that the weight loss follows. I weighed myself at home last Thursday morning, and I weighed myself Sunday morning, and it looks like I have lost about 2.5 pounds or so. I will get a better idea when I get weighed on the WW scale.
My Dad has applied for several jobs in Maryland. He received a call from one yesterday, and hopefully they want to interview him. He will have to make a trip to Maryland, but if my Dad can get a job, my parents can leave the house in Florida empty and proceed with their move. They would both like to get out of Florida before the worst of hurricane season, which is usually August and September. I pray that one of these jobs works out for him. Please keep both of my parents in your prayers.
That's about all the news for the moment. Life is hectic being a working Mom, and I cherish each evening when I get home from work and can spend time with Ethan. Life is tough and has its ups and downs, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
I'm not entirely sure how the weight loss is going. I officially joined Weight Watchers on Thursday, June 2 and attended the 30-minute meeting. I will be going again this Thursday to get weighed in and attend another meeting. I feel healthier and I like the fact that I am making good food choices 99% of the time. I just hope that the weight loss follows. I weighed myself at home last Thursday morning, and I weighed myself Sunday morning, and it looks like I have lost about 2.5 pounds or so. I will get a better idea when I get weighed on the WW scale.
My Dad has applied for several jobs in Maryland. He received a call from one yesterday, and hopefully they want to interview him. He will have to make a trip to Maryland, but if my Dad can get a job, my parents can leave the house in Florida empty and proceed with their move. They would both like to get out of Florida before the worst of hurricane season, which is usually August and September. I pray that one of these jobs works out for him. Please keep both of my parents in your prayers.
That's about all the news for the moment. Life is hectic being a working Mom, and I cherish each evening when I get home from work and can spend time with Ethan. Life is tough and has its ups and downs, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Bittersweet
When my parents come to visit, it's so bittersweet, because it always comes to an end. I fed Ethan his bedtime bottle last night, and Mom and I put him to bed together. I slowly backed out of his room so I wouldn't wake him. I turned around, and Mom was just lingering by his crib, staring down at the grandson she loves so fiercely. She knew it would be the last time she would see him for many more months. When she closed the door to his room, her eyes were shining with tears. My parents were planning on leaving at 4 a.m. today so they could make it back to Florida tonight. We said our goodbyes before bed, and Mom and I just cried. We have always been close, but Ethan has just brought us closer. I am now a Mom. I now know all of the incredible feelings she must have felt when she looked at me when I was a baby. I now know the nights of worry she must have gone through when I was sick. I now know the intense happiness she must have felt when I smiled at her the very first time.
I heard my parents get up at 3:30 a.m., and I heard Ethan stir and start to fuss, almost as if he was saying, "Gramma, please don't go, I love you". I got up and ran down the stairs so I could say one last goodbye as they were packing the car. When I came back in, I just cried and cried and prayed that someone out there wants to buy their house, or that someone here in Maryland wants to hire my Dad. I have no idea when they will be able to come visit again. They both work full time, and they have already used up so much of their vacation time when Ethan was born. They have to save some time for August when their next grandson is due to be born. Joe and I would love to go to Florida to visit, but it's just too long of a trip to make with Ethan. Plus, we have 2 dogs that we would need to find a dogsitter for. So, we all sit in limbo, not knowing when they will be able to move up here, when they will be able to come visit, when we will all see each other again...
I hated hearing the frustration in my parents' voices when they talked about moving up here and selling the house in Florida. I was raised Catholic, but my parents are not very religious. I was suprised to hear that they had buried a statue of St. Joseph in the ground outside the house. It is supposed to help you sell your house. That showed me how desperate they feel. They don't know God's plan, and they are worried that they will have to weather more hurricanes this year. Their house insurance company dropped them because they had 2 large claims from the two hurricanes that hit their house last year. Now they don't have any insurance. Once they find some, they will be paying triple what they were paying before. It's just a tough situation, and I feel so helpless! I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!
I am definitely feeling down today. And I fell off the wagon BIG TIME this weekend. I haven't gotten on the scale but I have gained back about 3 pounds. I am going to buckle down this week and try to make it to aerobics tomorrow night and Saturday morning. I think I will wait until next weekend to get on the scale and assess the damage. What's done is done, and I don't need to see the number on the scale to rub salt in the wound.
Sorry this post is so incredibly long winded. I am just feeling so down and I thought blogging about it would help me to feel better. I want Ethan to grow up with his grandparents around for every holiday, birthday, baseball game, and school play. I don't want them to miss out on his life.
Today I am thankful that my parents were able to come up even though it hurt to say goodbye. My Mom's face when Ethan smiled at her is worth the sadness I feel right now.
I heard my parents get up at 3:30 a.m., and I heard Ethan stir and start to fuss, almost as if he was saying, "Gramma, please don't go, I love you". I got up and ran down the stairs so I could say one last goodbye as they were packing the car. When I came back in, I just cried and cried and prayed that someone out there wants to buy their house, or that someone here in Maryland wants to hire my Dad. I have no idea when they will be able to come visit again. They both work full time, and they have already used up so much of their vacation time when Ethan was born. They have to save some time for August when their next grandson is due to be born. Joe and I would love to go to Florida to visit, but it's just too long of a trip to make with Ethan. Plus, we have 2 dogs that we would need to find a dogsitter for. So, we all sit in limbo, not knowing when they will be able to move up here, when they will be able to come visit, when we will all see each other again...
I hated hearing the frustration in my parents' voices when they talked about moving up here and selling the house in Florida. I was raised Catholic, but my parents are not very religious. I was suprised to hear that they had buried a statue of St. Joseph in the ground outside the house. It is supposed to help you sell your house. That showed me how desperate they feel. They don't know God's plan, and they are worried that they will have to weather more hurricanes this year. Their house insurance company dropped them because they had 2 large claims from the two hurricanes that hit their house last year. Now they don't have any insurance. Once they find some, they will be paying triple what they were paying before. It's just a tough situation, and I feel so helpless! I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!
I am definitely feeling down today. And I fell off the wagon BIG TIME this weekend. I haven't gotten on the scale but I have gained back about 3 pounds. I am going to buckle down this week and try to make it to aerobics tomorrow night and Saturday morning. I think I will wait until next weekend to get on the scale and assess the damage. What's done is done, and I don't need to see the number on the scale to rub salt in the wound.
Sorry this post is so incredibly long winded. I am just feeling so down and I thought blogging about it would help me to feel better. I want Ethan to grow up with his grandparents around for every holiday, birthday, baseball game, and school play. I don't want them to miss out on his life.
Today I am thankful that my parents were able to come up even though it hurt to say goodbye. My Mom's face when Ethan smiled at her is worth the sadness I feel right now.
Saturday, May 28, 2005
Family
My parents arrived from Florida yesterday, and my Mom is just smothering Ethan with hugs and kisses. It's wonderful! I am so excited that they were able to get away for the weekend and spend some time with him. My Mom and I went to the outlets today and of course, I HAD to buy him some new clothes at both Carter's and Little Me. And I found myself a pair of Clarks sandals for $20.00 at a sidewalk sale!! They are super comfy!
I have fallen just a bit of the diet wagon with company here, but I seem to be maintaining what I've lost. I think I am up a pound from Monday though because I didn't make it to step aerobics on Wednesday or this morning. I hope next week is better for exercising!
Ethan's been rather fussy the past few days. I think he is fighting off a bit of a cold, poor guy. On the bright side, he's still given Gramma and Grampa plenty of smiles.
My parents bought a house in my neighborhood back in October, and they put their house in Florida on the market. Unfortunately, they have not been able to sell their house, and it doesn't look promising with hurricane season right around the corner. They are both so very frustrated and they miss their grandsons so much. My brother and his wife have a 17-month old, and they live in Boston. They are due with another son in late August. My parents feel like they are missing out on so much of their grandsons' lives and it makes them sad. I keep praying every day that someone makes an offer on their house. Please keep them in your prayers if you can.
Sorry I don't have much more to report today. I'm pretty tired, and Ethan still needs a bath and a bottle before bed.
Today I am thankful that my parents are here.
I have fallen just a bit of the diet wagon with company here, but I seem to be maintaining what I've lost. I think I am up a pound from Monday though because I didn't make it to step aerobics on Wednesday or this morning. I hope next week is better for exercising!
Ethan's been rather fussy the past few days. I think he is fighting off a bit of a cold, poor guy. On the bright side, he's still given Gramma and Grampa plenty of smiles.
My parents bought a house in my neighborhood back in October, and they put their house in Florida on the market. Unfortunately, they have not been able to sell their house, and it doesn't look promising with hurricane season right around the corner. They are both so very frustrated and they miss their grandsons so much. My brother and his wife have a 17-month old, and they live in Boston. They are due with another son in late August. My parents feel like they are missing out on so much of their grandsons' lives and it makes them sad. I keep praying every day that someone makes an offer on their house. Please keep them in your prayers if you can.
Sorry I don't have much more to report today. I'm pretty tired, and Ethan still needs a bath and a bottle before bed.
Today I am thankful that my parents are here.
Monday, May 23, 2005
Monday, Monday
Another Monday, and my second week back at work. On Thursday, I gave up the liquid diet and switched to Weight Watchers' new Core plan. So far, I have been doing great on it, and I am feeling so much better. I am now back to using my own scale at home to weigh myself, at least until I join meetings and get weighed in at Weight Watchers. So here are my stats AGAIN based on my scale at home.
Thursday, May 5th (when I started the liquid diet): 197
Monday, May 23rd: 188
I made it to step aerobics at 7:45 a.m. on Saturday morning, and I hope to make it again tonight after work. I am really enjoying it and the workout can't be beat!
I think Ethan might be coming down with a cold or some kind of viral infection. It wouldn't surprise me since he's been in daycare 2 weeks now. He was super fussy all weekend long, and he was running a fever yesterday. He has been sleeping a lot too. He didn't have a fever this morning, so we'll see what the day brings. I wonder if I will get a call from daycare that I need to come get him? I tried him in a Snugli this weekend for the first time. Joe and I went to the mall, and we put him in it. He thought it was so cool that he could look all around and still be close to Mommy, but when he got tired, it took him awhile to figure out that he could lay his head down on me and go to sleep.
My parents might be coming to visit from Florida this weekend. My Mom is trying desperately to find someone to cover for her at work; if she can, then they will come up on Thursday and stay until Tuesday morning. That would give us 4 days with them! I am crossing my fingers...I would LOVE to see them, and they haven't seen Ethan since he was 1 month old.
Today I am thankful that I have such a close family.
Thursday, May 5th (when I started the liquid diet): 197
Monday, May 23rd: 188
I made it to step aerobics at 7:45 a.m. on Saturday morning, and I hope to make it again tonight after work. I am really enjoying it and the workout can't be beat!
I think Ethan might be coming down with a cold or some kind of viral infection. It wouldn't surprise me since he's been in daycare 2 weeks now. He was super fussy all weekend long, and he was running a fever yesterday. He has been sleeping a lot too. He didn't have a fever this morning, so we'll see what the day brings. I wonder if I will get a call from daycare that I need to come get him? I tried him in a Snugli this weekend for the first time. Joe and I went to the mall, and we put him in it. He thought it was so cool that he could look all around and still be close to Mommy, but when he got tired, it took him awhile to figure out that he could lay his head down on me and go to sleep.
My parents might be coming to visit from Florida this weekend. My Mom is trying desperately to find someone to cover for her at work; if she can, then they will come up on Thursday and stay until Tuesday morning. That would give us 4 days with them! I am crossing my fingers...I would LOVE to see them, and they haven't seen Ethan since he was 1 month old.
Today I am thankful that I have such a close family.
Friday, May 20, 2005
TGIF
My first week back at work is almost over! It really went very well, and it is definitely nice to have some adult interaction. I'm tired though! When I get home from work, it's time to take care of Ethan (bath, feeding, putting him in his PJs), make bottles for the next day, do a load of laundry, etc. I don't usually sit down until I actually go to bed. But we are all adjusting to our new schedules, and I know that once I get into a routine, I will be less tired (Maybe?)
For those of you who are wondering, I did decide to quit the liquid diet. I just can't deal with feeling starving all the time and light-headed. I am going to try Weight Watchers. They have a new plan that requires no counting. You basically eat from a list of Core foods that have 0 points. If you want other foods, you must count the points for those, and you can only have 35 points per week. Of course, the foods on the Core list are veggies, fruits, and whole grains, so it teaches you to make better food choices. On the regular points system, you can eat anything you want as long as you journal the points for it. When I tried that before, I would waste points on unhealthy food and still be hungry. I do think that I am going to join meetings for some support and some accountability since you have to weigh in there. I am so scared of gaining back the 8 pounds I lost already because then doing the liquid diet would have been a complete waste of time! Hopefully, sticking to the WW diet and continuing my step classes will do the trick.
Ethan has really discovered his hands now. Last week, he would hold them clasped in front of him real close to his face. He would get cross-eyed staring at them! Now, he holds his arm away from him and looks at his whole arm and hand, like he is realizing that they belong to him. We are encouraging daycare to give him tummy time throughout the day even though he hates it. He definitely needs more help to strengthen his neck muscles.
Today I am thankful that my husband is supporting my weight loss efforts no matter what program I decide to do, and how much money I spend finding the "right" one for me. I am so blessed to have him.
For those of you who are wondering, I did decide to quit the liquid diet. I just can't deal with feeling starving all the time and light-headed. I am going to try Weight Watchers. They have a new plan that requires no counting. You basically eat from a list of Core foods that have 0 points. If you want other foods, you must count the points for those, and you can only have 35 points per week. Of course, the foods on the Core list are veggies, fruits, and whole grains, so it teaches you to make better food choices. On the regular points system, you can eat anything you want as long as you journal the points for it. When I tried that before, I would waste points on unhealthy food and still be hungry. I do think that I am going to join meetings for some support and some accountability since you have to weigh in there. I am so scared of gaining back the 8 pounds I lost already because then doing the liquid diet would have been a complete waste of time! Hopefully, sticking to the WW diet and continuing my step classes will do the trick.
Ethan has really discovered his hands now. Last week, he would hold them clasped in front of him real close to his face. He would get cross-eyed staring at them! Now, he holds his arm away from him and looks at his whole arm and hand, like he is realizing that they belong to him. We are encouraging daycare to give him tummy time throughout the day even though he hates it. He definitely needs more help to strengthen his neck muscles.
Today I am thankful that my husband is supporting my weight loss efforts no matter what program I decide to do, and how much money I spend finding the "right" one for me. I am so blessed to have him.
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Back to Work
I am typing this entry from my desk at work! Yup, Day 3 back on the job. All in all, I think I am handling it very well, and we're all adjusting to our new routine. I have been getting up early to get dressed and ready so that when I wake Ethan up, I can change and dress him, and then feed him. It's worth getting up early to avoid feeling rushed and stressed. I find myself staring at his picture during the day and smiling at times. Other times, I tear up because I miss him so very much. My mind is here at work, but boy oh boy, my heart is with Ethan!
So, I went for my weekly weigh-in last night, and I am a bit disgusted. I lost 2 pounds!! How can I only have lost 2 pounds?? That means in 2 weeks of not eating anything but nasty shakes, I have lost 8 pounds (according to the scale at the Center). According to my scale at home, I have lost 6.5. I am hungry ALL the time. I don't mean slightly hungry. I mean LUNATIC hungry! The nurse said I shouldn't be that hungry all the time, and she can't understand what's going on. She gave me the option to quit the program or to try to modify it some by drinking three shakes and eating one meal consisting of some lean protein and a salad. I am so unsure as to what I should do. On the one hand, I AM losing some weight even if it's not as quick as I had expected or been led to believe it would come off. But on the other hand, I am so hungry all the time, and I wonder if I could get the same results by joining Weight Watchers instead. I didn't want to make a decision about the program last night because I was way too emotional about it to think clearly. I am going to try to make a decision on Friday. I won't get back all the money I put into the program if I quit since I still have to pay for the bloodwork and nurse consult, but I would get back a good amount. Does anyone have any suggestions??? I am at a complete loss as to where I should go from here.
Ethan is now sleeping through the night. We put him to bed around 9:30 and he sleeps until 6:00. It's absolutely wonderful! Each day I find new things to worry about though, like right now, it's his flat head. It's so flat because he hates tummy time and spends more time in the bouncy or on his back or in the swing. I am not sure how to get him used to tummy time. Every time we do it, he cries hard after only 3 minutes or so. Any suggestions on how to get rid of a flat head?
As you can see, I need lots of help today!!! :)
Weight Loss Update
Tuesday, May 10th: 198
Tuesday, May 17th: 196
So, I went for my weekly weigh-in last night, and I am a bit disgusted. I lost 2 pounds!! How can I only have lost 2 pounds?? That means in 2 weeks of not eating anything but nasty shakes, I have lost 8 pounds (according to the scale at the Center). According to my scale at home, I have lost 6.5. I am hungry ALL the time. I don't mean slightly hungry. I mean LUNATIC hungry! The nurse said I shouldn't be that hungry all the time, and she can't understand what's going on. She gave me the option to quit the program or to try to modify it some by drinking three shakes and eating one meal consisting of some lean protein and a salad. I am so unsure as to what I should do. On the one hand, I AM losing some weight even if it's not as quick as I had expected or been led to believe it would come off. But on the other hand, I am so hungry all the time, and I wonder if I could get the same results by joining Weight Watchers instead. I didn't want to make a decision about the program last night because I was way too emotional about it to think clearly. I am going to try to make a decision on Friday. I won't get back all the money I put into the program if I quit since I still have to pay for the bloodwork and nurse consult, but I would get back a good amount. Does anyone have any suggestions??? I am at a complete loss as to where I should go from here.
Ethan is now sleeping through the night. We put him to bed around 9:30 and he sleeps until 6:00. It's absolutely wonderful! Each day I find new things to worry about though, like right now, it's his flat head. It's so flat because he hates tummy time and spends more time in the bouncy or on his back or in the swing. I am not sure how to get him used to tummy time. Every time we do it, he cries hard after only 3 minutes or so. Any suggestions on how to get rid of a flat head?
As you can see, I need lots of help today!!! :)
Weight Loss Update
Tuesday, May 10th: 198
Tuesday, May 17th: 196
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Stronger
I feel stronger today. I cried and cried all day yesterday, and I woke up this morning and looked into Ethan's eyes, and I felt so sad that I had to take him to daycare again. But I got him dressed and fed him, and off we went. I spent about an hour there with him today, and he was having fun laying on his back playing and talking. He fell asleep in his crib, so I left, and I didn't shed a tear today. I was so proud of myself! I know that I will have good days and bad days, but I hope that it gets easier as I see how well taken care of he is and how much is teachers enjoy him. How could they not?? He is such a lovable little baby.
When I left daycare, I went to my appointment at the Wellness Center for blood pressure and weigh in. I am going to update my weight stats because they pretty much forbade me to use my scale at home! LOL I am only allowed to weigh in at the center once a week now, because I was weighing at home and obsessing over the number every time! Their scale weighs higher than mine, but I'll just have to live with that.
So here is my update:
Thursday, May 5: 204
Tuesday, May 10: 198
After I left there, I went to the YMCA and walked the treadmill for 35 minutes. Now, I need to focus on getting a shower, cleaning, and doing a load of laundry before I go pick Ethan up. It's a gorgeous day so I have all the windows open and the sun is shining in. I am allowing only positive thoughts to linger in my head today. I know that I need to make the best of the daycare situation for the time being. Maybe someday I will be able to be a stay-at-home mom, but not right now. I also know that I need to stay positive about my weight loss and exercise efforts. I am not usually a positive person, so this will be hard! But I'll try!
Today, I am thankful that my friend Sara's agreement was approved and her adoption process can move forward!!!
When I left daycare, I went to my appointment at the Wellness Center for blood pressure and weigh in. I am going to update my weight stats because they pretty much forbade me to use my scale at home! LOL I am only allowed to weigh in at the center once a week now, because I was weighing at home and obsessing over the number every time! Their scale weighs higher than mine, but I'll just have to live with that.
So here is my update:
Thursday, May 5: 204
Tuesday, May 10: 198
After I left there, I went to the YMCA and walked the treadmill for 35 minutes. Now, I need to focus on getting a shower, cleaning, and doing a load of laundry before I go pick Ethan up. It's a gorgeous day so I have all the windows open and the sun is shining in. I am allowing only positive thoughts to linger in my head today. I know that I need to make the best of the daycare situation for the time being. Maybe someday I will be able to be a stay-at-home mom, but not right now. I also know that I need to stay positive about my weight loss and exercise efforts. I am not usually a positive person, so this will be hard! But I'll try!
Today, I am thankful that my friend Sara's agreement was approved and her adoption process can move forward!!!
Monday, May 09, 2005
What Happened To My Heart?
I always thought that I was in complete control of my heart until I became a mother. Now I know the truth: my 11-pound son is most definitely the keeper of my heart. I am scheduled to go back to work on Monday, May 16. Joe and I talked and we decided it might be a good idea to bring Ethan to daycare this week for 4-5 hours each day. That would (hopefully) make the transition easier on both him and me. I woke up cheerful today, fed my son, and then watched him play in his bouncy seat while I got dressed. He drifted off to sleep and I just stared at him, thanking God for the precious gift of my son. I knew it was time to leave for daycare, but I kept putting it off. After all, I had no place to be today. With a big sigh, I buckled him into the car seat and off we went. When we got there, he was fussy, so I took him out of the car seat and placed him in Ms. Laurel's arms. He continued to fuss and just look at me. I ached to pick him up and soothe him, but I knew it was best for me to just observe for awhile. After trying several things, Ms. Laurel put him in the bouncy seat and he just looked around and sucked on his fists. He fell asleep so I decided it would be best to leave then. The second I exited the building, I lost it. Huge, wracking sobs just poured out of me. What kind of mother was I to leave my child with people I barely knew? How could I allow someone else's arms to comfort and rock my child?
I am overcome with an incredible sense of guilt for having to put my child in daycare. I am not opposed to daycare at all. My nephew has been going to KinderCare since he was 6 months old, and he loves it. I just think that my little Ethan is too little at 11 weeks to be there. I came home because I didn't know what else to do, and it is too quiet and too lonely without him. I find myself being unneccesarily quiet when I don't need to be. I miss him with every single ounce of my soul. I miss his smile when I go over and talk to him. I miss the way he snuggles up against me after I finish feeding him. I miss the routine that he and I have established together since the day he was born. I never knew that being a Mom would be so incredibly fulfilling that I wouldn't care if I ever worked again.
I have looked at our budget over and over, and I don't have a choice. I have to go back to work. Joe's job can be very demanding, so it would be difficult for me to work a part-time job at night and on weekends. So for now, I guess this is the way things have to be. I hate it. I hate the way I feel right now without Ethan sleeping or playing beside me. I hate not being with him. I hate knowing that someone else is rocking him, feeding him, talking to him, and comforting him. Although I'm sure they are more than equipped to do that, I am his mommy. It hurts me more than I could ever explain to know that I can't be with my son every day. I just hope and pray that this gets easier each day and that he doesn't forget me and how very much I love him.
I am overcome with an incredible sense of guilt for having to put my child in daycare. I am not opposed to daycare at all. My nephew has been going to KinderCare since he was 6 months old, and he loves it. I just think that my little Ethan is too little at 11 weeks to be there. I came home because I didn't know what else to do, and it is too quiet and too lonely without him. I find myself being unneccesarily quiet when I don't need to be. I miss him with every single ounce of my soul. I miss his smile when I go over and talk to him. I miss the way he snuggles up against me after I finish feeding him. I miss the routine that he and I have established together since the day he was born. I never knew that being a Mom would be so incredibly fulfilling that I wouldn't care if I ever worked again.
I have looked at our budget over and over, and I don't have a choice. I have to go back to work. Joe's job can be very demanding, so it would be difficult for me to work a part-time job at night and on weekends. So for now, I guess this is the way things have to be. I hate it. I hate the way I feel right now without Ethan sleeping or playing beside me. I hate not being with him. I hate knowing that someone else is rocking him, feeding him, talking to him, and comforting him. Although I'm sure they are more than equipped to do that, I am his mommy. It hurts me more than I could ever explain to know that I can't be with my son every day. I just hope and pray that this gets easier each day and that he doesn't forget me and how very much I love him.
Thursday, May 05, 2005
No Turning Back
I am filled with so many emotions today: hope, anxiety, fear, guilt, stupidity, sadness. Today, I began the Quick Start diet program. All of my bloodwork came back okay and I was cleared to begin. I had my first "beverage" for lunch today, and it was kinda gross. There are all kinds of things I can add to it to make it taste better so I am going to have to experiment a bit. Here's why I feel the way I feel:
**Hope: I have hope that I will lose weight quickly and that some of my old clothes will start to fit by the end of 6 weeks. I have hope that I will start to feel better about myself and my body as I see some of the weight disappear. I have hope that this program will end in a lifestyle change for me, not just another notch in my life of yo-yo dieting.
**Anxiety: I am anxious about what other people will think of what I am doing. I haven't told my parents yet because I don't want to defend what I am doing if they don't agree with it. I need support to do this, and right now it's easier for me to get that support from Joe.
**Fear: I am terrified that I won't be able to do this program mentally. I truly feel my success depends entirely on my attitude and how I approach the next 6 weeks. It won't be easy not eating for 6 weeks, and I am so scared that I will fail. I am also scared about the cost. It is a very expensive program, and the expenses will continue for quite some time. As I start paying daycare next week, plus the money I spent to join the YMCA, I am afraid we won't make it financially. I am already using money from Joe's bonus to pay for the first 6 weeks of this program.
**Guilt: I feel guilty that I am using our hard-earned money for something that should be simple: weight loss. I feel guilty that I won't be cooking dinner and eating with Joe. I feel guilty that we won't be able to go out to dinner together for quite awhile. I want him to be proud of me for not settling on being this weight for the rest of my life. I want him to be proud when I DO lose the weight. I know he loves me at any weight, but I want him to look at me and say "Wow...you look fantastic!"
**Stupidity: I feel very stupid that I can't lose weight on my own. I tried for 2 weeks straight with diet and exercise and didn't lose a single pound. I feel like it shouldn't be that difficult to lose weight, and I feel stupid that I am paying a lot of money for this program when so many people lose weight by themselves all the time just through diet and exercise.
**Sadness: I feel sad because I LOVE to eat and those days are over. And I have to face the fact that if I want to remain at a healthy weight forever, those days are really gone. Even after the 6 weeks when I beging eating healthy foods, there will be no room for pizza, cake, sweets, etc., on a daily basis. Those kinds of things will be few and far between. I am sad because for the next 6 weeks, I will not have much of a social life as most people's social lives revolve around food.
I am trying to work through these feelings because I know that I have to think positive in order to be successful. I don't want to be my own worst enemy. I just started the program today, and I already feel very negative. I have to snap out of it and focus on the end result or I will fail.
I weigh less on my scale at home than I do on the one at the Wellness Center, so I am going to use my scale when I am posting my stats.
Thursday, May 5, 2005 (Start program): 197
Goal weight: 145-150
**Hope: I have hope that I will lose weight quickly and that some of my old clothes will start to fit by the end of 6 weeks. I have hope that I will start to feel better about myself and my body as I see some of the weight disappear. I have hope that this program will end in a lifestyle change for me, not just another notch in my life of yo-yo dieting.
**Anxiety: I am anxious about what other people will think of what I am doing. I haven't told my parents yet because I don't want to defend what I am doing if they don't agree with it. I need support to do this, and right now it's easier for me to get that support from Joe.
**Fear: I am terrified that I won't be able to do this program mentally. I truly feel my success depends entirely on my attitude and how I approach the next 6 weeks. It won't be easy not eating for 6 weeks, and I am so scared that I will fail. I am also scared about the cost. It is a very expensive program, and the expenses will continue for quite some time. As I start paying daycare next week, plus the money I spent to join the YMCA, I am afraid we won't make it financially. I am already using money from Joe's bonus to pay for the first 6 weeks of this program.
**Guilt: I feel guilty that I am using our hard-earned money for something that should be simple: weight loss. I feel guilty that I won't be cooking dinner and eating with Joe. I feel guilty that we won't be able to go out to dinner together for quite awhile. I want him to be proud of me for not settling on being this weight for the rest of my life. I want him to be proud when I DO lose the weight. I know he loves me at any weight, but I want him to look at me and say "Wow...you look fantastic!"
**Stupidity: I feel very stupid that I can't lose weight on my own. I tried for 2 weeks straight with diet and exercise and didn't lose a single pound. I feel like it shouldn't be that difficult to lose weight, and I feel stupid that I am paying a lot of money for this program when so many people lose weight by themselves all the time just through diet and exercise.
**Sadness: I feel sad because I LOVE to eat and those days are over. And I have to face the fact that if I want to remain at a healthy weight forever, those days are really gone. Even after the 6 weeks when I beging eating healthy foods, there will be no room for pizza, cake, sweets, etc., on a daily basis. Those kinds of things will be few and far between. I am sad because for the next 6 weeks, I will not have much of a social life as most people's social lives revolve around food.
I am trying to work through these feelings because I know that I have to think positive in order to be successful. I don't want to be my own worst enemy. I just started the program today, and I already feel very negative. I have to snap out of it and focus on the end result or I will fail.
I weigh less on my scale at home than I do on the one at the Wellness Center, so I am going to use my scale when I am posting my stats.
Thursday, May 5, 2005 (Start program): 197
Goal weight: 145-150
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
The World Was Off Kilter
It was such a tough Monday. Joe and I had had an argument Sunday night and hadn't made up yet. All day, all I could think about was how my world is off kilter when we fight. To make matters worse, he had to work late so we couldn't even talk about things until 9 or 10 p.m. Hopefully, things start to improve today and we can get back to feeling close to one another. I really do believe that having a child adds so much stress to a relationship. Don't get me wrong, it adds an immense amount of love too. When I look at Joe feeding or holding our son, I realize how lucky we are, and how lucky I am to have such a caring husband. But suddenly, with the demands of Joe's job, housework, errands, and Ethan's care, we have NO time to ourselves. We don't have family close by, so a night out to ourselves happens only about once a month. I truly feel that I need to nurture my marriage better or it will slowly start to disintegrate. That is my goal for this week: to make sure that I appreciate Joe and the incredible life we have made together.
Tonight, I have an appointment with the nurse at the Wellness Center to do my orientation and physical screening. Then I will have bloodwork done on Thursday and hopefully be able to start the program. I am anxious to get going and start LOSING!
Ethan was a fussy baby yesterday...I guess he doesn't like Mondays either! He was so cute this morning when I went into his room. I looked into the crib and he was awake, so I said "Good Morning Sweetie". I was rewarded with such a big sleepy grin that I just laughed and laughed. It's moments like that that truly make all the sleepless nights and cranky days worthwhile.
Today, I am thankful that my Mom's test results were fine. She does not have uterine cancer. She has some fibroid tumors in her uterus that are not cancerous or pre-cancerous, and she does not have to have any surgery or treatments at this point. I am so very thankful that she is okay!
Tonight, I have an appointment with the nurse at the Wellness Center to do my orientation and physical screening. Then I will have bloodwork done on Thursday and hopefully be able to start the program. I am anxious to get going and start LOSING!
Ethan was a fussy baby yesterday...I guess he doesn't like Mondays either! He was so cute this morning when I went into his room. I looked into the crib and he was awake, so I said "Good Morning Sweetie". I was rewarded with such a big sleepy grin that I just laughed and laughed. It's moments like that that truly make all the sleepless nights and cranky days worthwhile.
Today, I am thankful that my Mom's test results were fine. She does not have uterine cancer. She has some fibroid tumors in her uterus that are not cancerous or pre-cancerous, and she does not have to have any surgery or treatments at this point. I am so very thankful that she is okay!
Saturday, April 30, 2005
Rainy Days
What a nasty day it is today. It's been raining since early this morning, and it's just so damp out. I did manage to make it to step aerobics at 7:45 a.m. though. I then came home to change my clothes, and then it was off to my dietician appointment. It went much differently than I had expected it to. We talked about my dieting history since giving birth, and I told her I had recently been trying very hard to lose weight and I have been exercising 3-4 times a week but not seeing any results. She told me I had several choices based on the types of programs they offer: 1) I could do an all-food plan which would consist of 1200 calories with about 1 pound per week weight loss. 2) 2 meal replacement beverages and 1 meal per day (also a 1200-calorie plan) or 3) 6 weeks of meal replacements followed by a 1200-1800 calorie diet depending on my resting metabolic rate (which they determine at the end of 6 weeks). She recommended that I try doing the meal replacement beverages for the first 6 weeks for several reasons: 1) it takes off weight rapidly. Most people with 50 pounds to lose end up losing about 25 pounds in 6 weeks 2) She could tell that I am completely depressed and frustrated and the rapid initial weight loss would give me a lot of motivation and hope. I talked it over with Joe and I decided to go ahead and try the 6-week Quick Start (which is what they call it). It's a bit expensive, but Joe and I both feel it will be worth it if I can lose the weight and be a happier person.
I know there will be lots of people who will criticize a plan that doesn't allow food for the first 6 weeks, and that's okay. They are entitled to their opinion. This plan is run by the local hospital, and before I can begin the program, I have to have blood work done to test my thyroid, my glucose levels and bunch of other things. I also have to have a physical and an EKG. They repeat the lab work at 2 weeks and at 4 weeks to make sure that all my levels look good. I am a bit nervous about making this kind of commitment, but if I don't do something, I am not going to lose any weight. I NEED to see some results soon, or this depression is just going to continue. I am going Tuesday night for my initial screening. Then I will go on Thursday night for my lab work and EKG. If all looks well, I can start the program on Friday. I'm excited and nervous and scared all at the same time. I am an extremely strong-willed person, so I know I can do it, but it's a huge commitment. I hope you all can support me, and I will definitely post on my progress. Before I start, I will post my current weight (as of next Friday) and then I will post each week on my weight loss.
Whew...all that said, the last few days have been difficult. Ethan has been crying a lot, especially after he eats. Joe and I are hoping it's just a phase since we haven't changed his formula or done anything different. Last night, we just put him in his swing and let him cry himself to sleep. It was tough to do, but he was crying while we held him so he might as well cry in his swing. My grandparents were here for a few days and it was the first time they had met Ethan. Ethan is such a lucky little boy. He has 4 living grandparents and 3 living great-grandparents. I got pictures of my grandma and grandpa with him for his baby book.
Only 2 more weeks until I go back to work. I have been doing a lot of thinking, and I am going to call the daycare on Monday and see if I can bring Ethan in the week before I go back to work...about 5 hours a day or so. It will help both me and him become adjusted to daycare rather than us just jumping in cold turkey. One of my parenting magazines suggested Moms do that if they are going back to work since it makes the transition easier. Since his spot is being held with a deposit, I don't think they'd mind if I paid for an extra week and started him a little early, even just 5 hours a day. I thought I could spend an hour there a few days and just observe and see how they are taking care of him.
One last thing before I end this long rant...Joe's damn beeper went off a few minutes ago!! I HATE that thing. He has to carry it for 2 weeks at a time, and this is his second week. He will have to respond to the call and that will probably mean he's gone for over 5 hours.
That's it for now...I sure hope the sun comes out tomorrow.
I know there will be lots of people who will criticize a plan that doesn't allow food for the first 6 weeks, and that's okay. They are entitled to their opinion. This plan is run by the local hospital, and before I can begin the program, I have to have blood work done to test my thyroid, my glucose levels and bunch of other things. I also have to have a physical and an EKG. They repeat the lab work at 2 weeks and at 4 weeks to make sure that all my levels look good. I am a bit nervous about making this kind of commitment, but if I don't do something, I am not going to lose any weight. I NEED to see some results soon, or this depression is just going to continue. I am going Tuesday night for my initial screening. Then I will go on Thursday night for my lab work and EKG. If all looks well, I can start the program on Friday. I'm excited and nervous and scared all at the same time. I am an extremely strong-willed person, so I know I can do it, but it's a huge commitment. I hope you all can support me, and I will definitely post on my progress. Before I start, I will post my current weight (as of next Friday) and then I will post each week on my weight loss.
Whew...all that said, the last few days have been difficult. Ethan has been crying a lot, especially after he eats. Joe and I are hoping it's just a phase since we haven't changed his formula or done anything different. Last night, we just put him in his swing and let him cry himself to sleep. It was tough to do, but he was crying while we held him so he might as well cry in his swing. My grandparents were here for a few days and it was the first time they had met Ethan. Ethan is such a lucky little boy. He has 4 living grandparents and 3 living great-grandparents. I got pictures of my grandma and grandpa with him for his baby book.
Only 2 more weeks until I go back to work. I have been doing a lot of thinking, and I am going to call the daycare on Monday and see if I can bring Ethan in the week before I go back to work...about 5 hours a day or so. It will help both me and him become adjusted to daycare rather than us just jumping in cold turkey. One of my parenting magazines suggested Moms do that if they are going back to work since it makes the transition easier. Since his spot is being held with a deposit, I don't think they'd mind if I paid for an extra week and started him a little early, even just 5 hours a day. I thought I could spend an hour there a few days and just observe and see how they are taking care of him.
One last thing before I end this long rant...Joe's damn beeper went off a few minutes ago!! I HATE that thing. He has to carry it for 2 weeks at a time, and this is his second week. He will have to respond to the call and that will probably mean he's gone for over 5 hours.
That's it for now...I sure hope the sun comes out tomorrow.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
NO CLOTHES!
How come my closet is full of clothes but I'm wearing the same thing every day? How come I had my son almost 10 weeks ago, and the only pants I can wear are maternity? How come I am hungry all the time? These are all the questions that I have been asking myself over and over. I absolutely cannot look in the mirror. The sight of my body truly disgusts me. My body image was very poor before I got pregnant, and it's even worse now because I've never been this heavy. I truly feel like I'm in a pit and I'm sinking lower and lower with every passing week that doesn't result in weight loss.
I did take a big step yesterday, and I made an appointment for a one-on-one session with a dietician. At first, the receptionist told me the first available appointment was May 24! I could have started crying on the phone. I am taking it as a good omen that she found an appointment for this Saturday morning, April 30th. The woman I am meeting with just had a baby girl, so I am sure she will be able to relate to how much pregnancy takes a toll on your body. I am so hoping that she will be able to devise a diet plan for me that will take weight off in a steady and healthy manner. Just seeing a 5-pound loss would be incredible motivation for me at this point.
I also went to Step Aerobics class last night. I was exhausted and a lot of the moves were tough last night, so I felt a little "out of sorts". I did still get a decent workout although I feel like I spent half the class trying to catch up when I missed certain moves!
Ethan Update: The little guy just would NOT sleep during the day yesterday. He wasn't fussy, but he wanted to play in his bouncy and then on the floor with his play mat. He was so exhausted last night that he slept from 7:15 until midnight. Joe fed him and then he slept from about 1 a.m. until 7 a.m. this morning. He has slept a little bit more today, but he still loves to play all day long! He coos and smiles all the time now. Sometimes, he coos so loud that I tell him to stop "yelling"! I am trying to enjoy every moment of each day since I go back to work so soon.
The pediatrician called in a different medication for his thrush since the other one made him sick. This one is an older medicine and not many pharmacies carry it so CVS had to order it. Hopefully, this medication gets rid of the thrush and has no bad side effects!
I guess I've rambled long enough for today...I am going to try to focus on Saturday's appointment and getting some direction for losing weight, rather than focusing on what is in the mirror right this minute.
Today I'm thankful that my husband will be home from work on time!
I did take a big step yesterday, and I made an appointment for a one-on-one session with a dietician. At first, the receptionist told me the first available appointment was May 24! I could have started crying on the phone. I am taking it as a good omen that she found an appointment for this Saturday morning, April 30th. The woman I am meeting with just had a baby girl, so I am sure she will be able to relate to how much pregnancy takes a toll on your body. I am so hoping that she will be able to devise a diet plan for me that will take weight off in a steady and healthy manner. Just seeing a 5-pound loss would be incredible motivation for me at this point.
I also went to Step Aerobics class last night. I was exhausted and a lot of the moves were tough last night, so I felt a little "out of sorts". I did still get a decent workout although I feel like I spent half the class trying to catch up when I missed certain moves!
Ethan Update: The little guy just would NOT sleep during the day yesterday. He wasn't fussy, but he wanted to play in his bouncy and then on the floor with his play mat. He was so exhausted last night that he slept from 7:15 until midnight. Joe fed him and then he slept from about 1 a.m. until 7 a.m. this morning. He has slept a little bit more today, but he still loves to play all day long! He coos and smiles all the time now. Sometimes, he coos so loud that I tell him to stop "yelling"! I am trying to enjoy every moment of each day since I go back to work so soon.
The pediatrician called in a different medication for his thrush since the other one made him sick. This one is an older medicine and not many pharmacies carry it so CVS had to order it. Hopefully, this medication gets rid of the thrush and has no bad side effects!
I guess I've rambled long enough for today...I am going to try to focus on Saturday's appointment and getting some direction for losing weight, rather than focusing on what is in the mirror right this minute.
Today I'm thankful that my husband will be home from work on time!
Saturday, April 23, 2005
Drained
That's how I feel today...drained. I am so completely overwhelmed by so many things in my life, and I am trying to handle them all at once. I just broke down emotionally today and had a good cry. It hit me today that I will be going back to work in 3 weeks. A few weeks ago, if you asked me, I would have said that I was ready, but now that it's rapidly approaching, I feel sad. I feel sad that I will not be able to hold my little boy during the day or see him smile at me when I change his diaper. I am not opposed to daycare at all; actually, I have seen firsthand the wonderful impact it can have on a child socially. I know he'll be fine and even thrive in such a nurturing, structured environment. But bottom line...I'm his mommy and it's so difficult to go from being home with him for weeks to a working Mom. I need to go back to work for financial reasons. It's just the way it has to be right now.
Of course, the weight issue has been bothering me more and more. I feel that all my life I have had an unhealthy body image. I grew up listening to my Mom tell my Dad all the time that she was fat. She was always dieting and never happy with her body. I have been the same way throughout my life. I have decided to go ahead and try to make an appointment with a nutritionist. The hospital's Wellness Center charges $60 for an hour session, and $35 for 1/2 hour follow-up sessions. I need some direction and some motivation since what I have been doing just isn't working. I won't even look in the mirror anymore and getting dressed is depressing as the selection is limited. I want to be able to buy cute clothes...summer is just around the corner! Instead, I am stuck in my maternity jeans and a few 1X t-shirts I picked up at Kohl's. I know it's unhealthy, but I tend to let my weight rule my self-worth. If I'm skinny, I'm a good person. If I'm fat, I'm worthless.
I have so much in my life to be thankful for...most of all, the little boy sitting next to me sound asleep in his bouncy chair. I am going to try to write one thing every single day that I am thankful for in my life.
Today I am thankful that I have the support and unconditional love of my husband.
Of course, the weight issue has been bothering me more and more. I feel that all my life I have had an unhealthy body image. I grew up listening to my Mom tell my Dad all the time that she was fat. She was always dieting and never happy with her body. I have been the same way throughout my life. I have decided to go ahead and try to make an appointment with a nutritionist. The hospital's Wellness Center charges $60 for an hour session, and $35 for 1/2 hour follow-up sessions. I need some direction and some motivation since what I have been doing just isn't working. I won't even look in the mirror anymore and getting dressed is depressing as the selection is limited. I want to be able to buy cute clothes...summer is just around the corner! Instead, I am stuck in my maternity jeans and a few 1X t-shirts I picked up at Kohl's. I know it's unhealthy, but I tend to let my weight rule my self-worth. If I'm skinny, I'm a good person. If I'm fat, I'm worthless.
I have so much in my life to be thankful for...most of all, the little boy sitting next to me sound asleep in his bouncy chair. I am going to try to write one thing every single day that I am thankful for in my life.
Today I am thankful that I have the support and unconditional love of my husband.
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