When life gets me down, this grin lifts me right back up.

Disgust and Fear

I am sure many of you who read my blog are wondering why you haven't seen an update on my weight loss. Well, that is because there really isn't anything to tell. I have been yo-yo'ing back and forth with the same 3 pounds for over a month now. Over the weekend, I hit my lowest weight since having Ethan and I thought I was on the right track. WRONG! Got on the scale this morning and I am right back where I was before.

I just read on BabyCenter that one of the girls who recently had a baby is a size SMALLER than pre-pregnancy! Now, I don't begrudge anyone the success of losing weight at any time, but I wonder why I am 6 months post-partum and I still can't even fit into my old clothes. When the weather turns cold here, I am going to have to go shopping just to get some tops and pants that fit. I don't know what to do anymore. I really am getting depressed about the lack of a weight loss. I don't know where to turn. I am working out an hour 3 days a week. I'm not sure that with working full-time and taking care of Ethan I can increase that at all.

Disgust. I am disgusted with myself. I'm disgusted that I have 30 pounds to lose, and Ethan is already 6 months old. At this rate, I'll never lose the weight, and I certainly won't lose it very easily over the holidays. I'm disgusted that I signed Ethan up for swim classes at the YMCA and I know that I will be the biggest Mom there. I'm disgusted that all of my lingerie doesn't fit, and I don't even feel like buying anything new because I hate the way I look. I'm disgusted that I'm the fattest mommy at Ethan's daycare class. I'm disgusted because no matter what I tell myself, I continue to get on the scale every single morning and let it rule my mood for the day.

Fear. I'm afraid that I will never lose the weight. I'm afraid that I won't ever be able to buy cute clothes again. I'm afraid that my husband isn't attracted to me anymore. I'm afraid that I am an embarrassment to him at my current weight. I'm afraid that I'm not as outgoing or confident as I once was. I'm afraid because I don't know where to turn. I'm afraid because I feel like I'm at the point where I will do or try just about anything to lose weight.

I wish I had a support system...someone to work out with, to encourage me with my diet, to praise my smallest achievements and to boost me up when I have setbacks. Joe is a wonderful husband and very understanding, but lately our lives are so busy with work and with Ethan that I feel like I come last. He rarely tells me I look nice anymore, and to be honest, that's because I probably don't. I've been wearing the same clothes over and over all summer long because I don't want to buy more "fat" clothes and my old clothes don't fit. I just don't feel good about myself so how could I expect him to?

I hate the way I look, I hate the mirror, I hate the scale. Other than that, I'm just great today.

Worry

I think I am the world's biggest worrier. I worry if I have nothing to worry about. I think I inheritied this trait from my father, and our worries continue to keep both of us up at night. I lie awake playing and replaying scenarios out in my head, or going over and over the figures in our budget, desperately seeking answers that always seem to elude me at 3 a.m. Here is an abbreviated list of things I am currently worrying about:

1. Will Ethan get the Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease that is going around his daycare classroom? How bad will it be?
2. Will I get above-mentioned disease from Ethan?
3. How are we going to make it to next Friday (payday) with the money that's left in our account?
4. How come Ethan isn't sitting up completely unassisted yet?
5. What is causing the few spots of contact dermatitis on Ethan's arm?
6. How come Ethan is worse on the new reflux medicine than he was on the old medicine?
7. How are Joe and I going to pay a $3,000+ dental bill before the interest-free period runs out?
8. Will Ethan hate the swim class I signed him up for?
9. Are my parents ever going to sell their house in Florida?
10. When is my sister-in-law going to have her baby? (She is 3 days overdue)
11. Will Joe be late AGAIN tonight?
12. How come I am trying so hard and I'm not losing any weight?
13. How are Joe and I going to continue to afford our commutes with the cost of gas going up and up and up?
14. Where am I going to find the money to buy new doors for my house and a new window that my Westie broke? And oh yeah, new carpet for the family room since that same Westie ripped it all up. He was mad at the man mowing our lawn. Bad man!
15. Did Ethan feel warm this morning, or was it my imagination?

On an intellectual level, I know that worrying about most of these things won't change them or make them go away, but on an emotional level, I just can't help worrying. It's my nature. Joe is the total opposite; he goes with the flow. At times, he gets so annoyed with me because I always have to be worrying about SOMETHING. This week, he forbade me to look at the February 2005 board on BabyCenter because I always get upset when I see all the other babies sitting up or trying to crawl. He tells me not to compare Ethan to other babies, but isn't that human nature?? I know I should enjoy my son and not rush him to grow up so quickly. That kind of thinking lasts for one minute before the emotional side takes over and the worrying begins again.

I have analyzed why I feel the need to worry all the time. It's not like it's a FUN thing to do. I think it's because worrying makes me feel more in control of a situation. Like, if I play out all kinds of scenarios in my head, I will have somehow prepared myself for whatever comes my way. Giving up the worries means giving up my sense of control. I want to stop worrying about the insignificant things, the things I can't change, the things I have no control over, but HOW?

Turning 30

Well, I'm now officially 30. And it's not so awfully bad. This year is going to be a great one because:

• My second nephew is due to arrive August 23
• My first nephew will turn 2
• My parents will (HOPEFULLY) be moving to Maryland
• Ethan will celebrate his first birthday
• I am resolved to lose 35 pounds before I turn 31
• Joe and I will celebrate 9 years of marriage
• I will get a bigger tax refund

I have so much to look forward to, and I feel incredibly blessed. I have spent so much time recently complaining about my life when I really am a lucky woman. So, cheers to turning 30!

Refreshed

I feel refreshed today, and it's wonderful. The weekend was the best one I've had in quite a long time. Ethan is feeling so much better (we just have 3 more days of the antibiotic), so we took him to the outlets for some shopping. He was so good the entire time and smiled at every lady who stopped to talk to him...FLIRT! On Saturday night, we had some friends over for drinks and some games (Taboo and Outburst). On Sunday, we went to Dave and Buster's with Joe's old boss and his fiancee, while one of Ethan's daycare teachers babysat for us. It felt wonderful for Joe and I to be out with another couple, and we didn't talk about work or Ethan. We had a great time playing the games and just hanging out...we really needed it. I think I can handle what the week might bring now.

My Mom is flying up this Friday night, and she is babysitting Ethan on Saturday so Joe and I can go out for my 30th (GULP) birthday. We are planning on having dinner at a nice seafood restaurant in the Inner Harbor and then seeing an IMAX movie. On Saturday morning, we are going to try to get Ethan's first professional pictures done. We tried when he was 3 months old and it was a disaster! Maybe Gramma can put a big smile on his face for the camera.

Now you all know that I just wouldn't be me if I wasn't worrying about something! So, today I visited a bulletin board for mothers of February 2005 babies. The more I read, the more paranoid I got that Ethan was just not developing on schedule or reaching the appropriate milestones on time! Some people's babies were starting to crawl or sitting up completely unsupported or getting up on all fours. Ethan sure isn't! He gets his butt in the air when he's on his tummy, and he can roll both ways, but he can't sit (he face plants or falls over to the side). I know that I should enjoy every second of his "baby" time, but I can't help worrying that he is behind! Worry, worry, worry....just goes hand in hand with being a mother. I am trying real hard to enjoy Ethan and realize that he will do things when he's ready, not when I am.

Silly Boy

I love this picture of my little man. He just looks like he is having so much fun!

White Flag

For now, I am waving my white flag in surrender. I can't take any more arguing with Joe over his job and the hours. My Mom sent me an e-mail with some motherly advice, and although it was a little tough to hear, I think she's got some valid points. In summary, her e-mail said this:

I am going to have to learn to be what every other mom has become: SUPER MOM.

I am going to have to be less vocal about Joe's hours even if I'm not
thrilled about them.

My husband has a good-paying job, he's good at what he does, he pays for our house, two cars, food, etc.

He is the primary breadwinner, like it or not.

Joe doesn't exactly like working all these long hours.

No matter how tired I am, I CAN find the strength to get through another day.

My son should not come between Joe and I, no matter what.

Joe and I should enjoy the time he IS home and not spend it arguing over when he ISN'T.

Marriage is a give and take, and unfortunately one person sometimes gives more than the other.

There were several other things she mentioned but those thoughts are basically the meat and potatoes of her e-mail. So, up goes my white flag, and I have vowed to TRY to be a little less vocal and argumentative with Joe about his job, and enjoy the time we do have together. We have also agreed to somehow find a babysitter at least once a month so that we can go out as a couple, and talk about work is strictly forbidden. Hopefully, that will help rekindle our relationship and bring us back together as a team.

I'm still yo-yo'ing with my weight. With Joe working so many hours last week, and me taking care of a sick baby, I hardly ate dinner at night and lost about 2 pounds. Along came the weekend and totally derailed me with pizza and frozen yogurt. On came 3 pounds. I made it to aerobics Monday night and plan on going at 6 a.m. before work tomorrow morning. My birthday is next weekend (the big 30!), and I KNOW that my co-workers are going to have cake for me, and we'll have cake on my actual birthday too. So even if I manage to lose a few pounds this week, I'll put them right back on next week. Up, down, up, down. I feel so hopeless. When I drop Ethan off at daycare, I look at the other Moms, and they all look so darn skinny and put together! How did they do it?? I still look 3 months pregnant and my son is almost 6 months old. My cousin is getting married in May, and I want to buy a gorgeous dress and look great! I wonder if I can lose 30 pounds by then, even with the holidays thrown in there to trip me up??

Same Old Poop, Different Day

My life and my blog have become a broken record. It's Monday night at 7 p.m., and Joe hasn't even left work yet, nor does he know when he expects to. Because he works quite a distance from home, even if he left right this minute, I wouldn't see him before I headed up to bed. Friday night, he walked through the door at 11 p.m.

Maybe some days I could handle this, but not today. I have PMS. I missed aerobics again tonight because Joe wasn't home to watch Ethan. I have a horrible sore throat. I have to take notes for a 3-day conference at work starting tomorrow. I am exhausted. I have nothing ironed for tomorrow. Ethan has been screaming since I picked him up at daycare. And so you see, I CAN'T handle Joe being late again tonight.

I am one big ball of resentment right now. I want to scream and yell, but what good would it really do? Would that make Joe walk through the door any earlier? Would it make my son suddenly turn happy? Would it make my sore throat go away? (that's a no-brainer!)

And so I sit and stew and fume. And things will be tense again between Joe and I, me always pulling and him always pushing. We both want what's best for our son, but to me, that means having him around more, and to him, it means providing for him. Somehow we have to find some middle ground.

******************************************************************************

I haven't updated lately on my weight loss journey. I'm still struggling and yo-yo'ing around with a few pounds. I have managed to lose the weight I gained at my brother's over July 4th and when my parents came to visit a few weeks ago. Now I just have to buckle down and lose 30 more!! I'm still following the WW Core plan as much as possible. With all the stress lately, I have fallen off the wagon a few times.

Lately, I have wondered why God decided to make some of us struggle so much with our weight, while others can seemingly eat anything they want and still have model-thin bodies. I have a friend who is 5'9" and a size 4. She has a little girl 3 months older than Ethan. She appears to have never given birth. WHY??? Why do I still have so far to go?? Why couldn't He have just given us all the ability to easily maintain a healthy weight?

Sigh. Sure wish I had some answers tonight.

Identity Crisis

I think that I have forgotten who I am. Somewhere in this journey of becoming a mother, I've lost myself. In January of 2004, when Joe and I decided to try to conceive, I began taking vitamins and eating healthy and refraining from drinking too much alcohol, all in preparation of nourishing a child. When we did conceive in June of '04, life was turned upside down and all we could think about was our future child. I thought about the baby everytime I put something in my mouth (how many times have I eaten tuna this week??), every time I drank (hmm...too much caffeine? What about asparatame?), every time I exercised (is my heart rate too high?), rode in a car (is the seatbelt placed properly?), and so on.

I thought that once the baby came, he would fit right into our lives and we would just keep plugging along. Boy, was I wrong. I don't necessarily mean this in a bad way. Ethan is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. But what happened to Laura? I suddenly only have one identity: Ethan's mommy. I spend so much time being Ethan's mommy that I think I forget to be a wife, a daughter, a sister, an employee, and most importantly, myself. I don't do things anymore that used to bring me happiness because I just don't have time. I don't spend time in front of the mirror carefully applying makeup or blow-drying my hair just so. I don't painstakingly plan dinners for two or surprise my husband with a night out. I don't run a bubble bath for Joe and I. It just doesn't fit into our daily life anymore.

It took me 5 months to realize that parenthood is more than just bringing a child home and caring for him/her day in and day out. Parenthood is a total transformation of life as you know it. I miss the person I used to be, but I'm also completely in love with my new role as a mother. I miss the spontaneity Joe and I used to have, but I'm in love with the way he looks at our son.

How do I find myself? And even if I did manage to recapture who I was before, is that the person I'm meant to be? Life is about growing and changing and finding our own path in the world. Maybe this is my path...maybe it's not, but it sure is a heck of a ride so far.

The Mommy Look

Yes, I now officially have the "Mommy Look". You know the one I'm talking about...messy hair, little or no makeup, wrinkled clothes with at least one formula stain, stubbly legs, and a frazzled look. I always thought that I would be a Mom who really had it together and put all the other Mommies to shame. Boy, was I wrong!

My time is so limited and so focused on Ethan that I'm lucky I make it out the door on a weekday morning on time! I wake up at 5:45 a.m. and pray that Ethan is still sleeping. Showers in the morning have become a thing of the past since my hair takes too long to blow dry. I shove my contacts in, brush my teeth, slap on a bit of makeup (just so I don't scare my co-workers), run a brush through my hair, and find whatever is in my closet that is the least wrinkled, the least stained, and the least tight. Then it's time to get Ethan up, changed, dressed, and fed. If he's fairly cooperative, this can be one of my easier tasks of the morning, but if he feels like sucking his toes while I'm trying to get him dressed, or watching the dogs play instead of taking his bottle, it can be a trying ordeal. Once Ethan's fed, if I have a few extra minutes, I'll wash bottles or clean up his toys, and feed the dogs. I swear there have been days that neither dog got any food!

Then it's out the door at 7 a.m. to take Ethan to daycare and off to work so that I can arrive by 8 a.m. WHEW! By this time, I am ready for my breakfast and a cup of tea! I work with mostly women, who all have children, and luckily they have all perfected their own "Mommy Look". We compare wrinkles, formula stains, and belly pooches like we were talking about the latest fashions. It's truly amazing how easy it is to join the "Mommy Club".

In the evenings, it's just as chaotic but in reverse, kind of like that roller coaster at Hershey Park that takes you forward and then backwards. I pick Ethan up from daycare and hope he doesn't scream all the way home. then it's time for him to be fed his cereal and bottle. Most nights, if Joe is working late (like he has been recently), I don't eat dinner until Ethan goes to bed at 8 p.m. Then I rush around shoving food in my mouth, washing bottles and labeling them for daycare, running a load of laundry, and trying to get myself ready for bed. Each day is a whirlwhind, that's for sure.

It's amazing how much I used to care about each hair and if it was perfectly in place, or did my outfit look okay on me. Now all of that just takes way too much time, time better spent playing with Ethan for those few spare moments in the morning, or rocking him to sleep in the evenings.

All in all, I guess you could say that the "Mommy Look" comes with its own rewards!

Stuck in a Rut

My life is in a heck of a rut right now. Most days, I wake up and I feel like I am just barely keeping my head above water. Joe's job is an extremely demanding one; he works in the telecommunications field on government contracts, so deadlines are tight, hours are long, and stress is high. For the past month or so, the overtime hours have been increasing and increasing, and the hours are just completely unreasonable. For instance, Joe left for work Tuesday at 6:30 a.m. He got home from work on Wednesday at 4:45 a.m.!!!! Yes, a 22-hour workday. He stayed home most of the day yesterday, but then went in at 8 p.m. and didn't get home until 2 a.m. this morning. He will be up by 8 a.m. and on the road to work again. He also worked on Saturday from 9 a.m. until 7 p.m. I try to understand that this job is putting food on the table, a roof over our heads, and it's providing for our son. But he is giving so much of his time and energy to his job that he has nothing left to give to me and Ethan. Most nights, Ethan is already in bed by the time he gets home from work. He leaves for work in the mornings right after Ethan wakes up. I am the one who gets him dressed, feeds him, and takes him to daycare. Joe was supposed to be the one picking him up from daycare at the end of the day, but I honestly can't remember the last time he was able to. We never eat dinner together because he's never home on time, I can't go to my aerobics class because I have no one to watch Ethan, and I feel the resentment creeping in. I didn't sign up to be a single parent. We both planned for and wanted a baby, and Ethan deserves to have his Daddy around.

To make matters worse, Joe is leaving on Sunday for three days for a training class in Texas. I won't be able to go to aerobics Monday or Wednesday night, because I have no one to watch Ethan. At this point, we are both hoping and praying that things slow down at his job for awhile so we can catch our breath and reconnect as a couple. With him working so much, we've barely had time to talk, especially with my parents visiting for a few days. Joe loves his job, and he is so good at it (of course, that's part of the problem!), and I want that for him. But I also want a husband and a father who is there for his family. It's a rough road right now, but we're trying to struggle through.

I'm in a rut with my weight loss. I was doing so well and then we went up to Boston to visit my brother. I ate terribly and gained about 3 pounds. Came home and began eating healthy again, and lost the 3 pounds. Parents came to visit on Sunday, ate terribly for 4 days, and gained 3 pounds again. Now I am back to eating healthy and hoping the 3 pounds come off again. I've lost about 4 weeks of time when I could have been losing weight. Instead, I spent it yo-yo'ing back and forth with 3 darn pounds. I know I can't focus on what's in the past; I know I need to just eat healthy, try to get some exercise, and it will eventually come off, but it's still very, very frustrating.

My parents are in a rut with their house in Florida because it just won't sell. There is no chance that it will sell during the height of the hurricane season (which lasts until November), so they are looking at at least another 6 months in Florida. My Dad has had zero luck finding a job in Maryland. They are sad, frustrated, financially drained, and lonely down there in Florida. I wish there was something I could do, but I can't. Joe and I can't wait for them to move closer. We have no family close enough to babysit for us, and we have no friends. We've found it hard to meet people our own age because we live in an older neighborhood.

With all these ruts in my life, it's no wonder I feel like life is just one long, bumpy road lately. Ruts or no ruts, this is the life I have right now, and I'm trying my hardest to make the best of it. Today is just a bad day. My parents left to go home, and I'm feeling sad and a bit lonely already. Tomorrow will be better (I hope).

My son is the biggest joy in my life. He giggled at me this morning, and for those moments, I forgot about every little thing wrong with my life, and realized what is so very right: Ethan.

Finding His Groove

Since returning home from our trip to Massachusetts to visit my brother, his wife, and my nephew, Ethan really seems to have gotten into his groove. He seems much happier since we came home, and he giggles more regularly now. He is back on a schedule in terms of eating and sleeping, and boy does that make a huge difference in his mood! I'll enjoy it because the teething monster could creep back into the picture at any moment!

I weighed in at Weight Watchers before leaving on the trip and I was down 2.6 pounds. I was absolutely elated! Until...I went away and ate pizza, Chinese food, ice cream, and cake! UGGH..I am now up 3 pounds. I have got to work really hard to take that off. I can't believe I lost all that willpower and ate so many unhealthy things. Now it will set me back 2 weeks or so. *Sigh* But what are you gonna do? Just get back on the wagon and start again. Today is a new day.

My parents are coming to visit this weekend from Florida. I am so looking forward to that. Still no word on their house or on a job for my Dad. We're all still in limbo. It breaks my heart to hear how depressed and hopeless they sound, and with the recent hurricanes out in the Caribbean, they have been even more worried about how the rest of hurricane season is going to play out. I pray that God's plan will soon become clear to them, and that they can find some peace in the meantime.

Today I am so incredibly thankful that Sara and Nate will soon be bringing home their precious little boys! They are so deserving of the happiness that the boys will bring into their home, and I can't wait to meet them!

Catching Up

I realized how long it's been since I have posted here. It seems like the days all run together and before I know it, a week or 10 days has gone by.

Ethan was sick with a sinus infection last week and we struggled with the amoxicillin they put him on. It just didn't agree with his little system, so they switched it to something else which seemed to work much better. He was a trooper through it all though! I made him giggle for the first time this past Monday....what an incredible moment that was for me. To explain how it felt in one word is just: JOY. It's amazing to look at my little boy, that Joe and I created, and watch his personality develop. I can't wait for each new day, because I know he will continue to amaze me and delight me.

I weighed in at Weight Watchers on June 16th, and I had only lost .4 pounds. I was a bit discouraged, but hey, what are you gonna do? I had a tough weekend and ate a little bit here and there of things I shouldn't. I got right back on track Monday morning, and at weigh-in yesterday, I was down 1.6 pounds. I am a bit nervous about how I'll do when we go away for July 4th weekend. I tend to fall back to my old habits when I am not at home, or when I am around others who are not dieting. I just have to keep reminding myself how far I have come, and how far I still have to go.

My Dad has not heard any news about jobs in Maryland. It is depressing and frustrating for my parents, and I hate to hear the sound of defeat in their voices. I keep praying that something will happen so that they can go ahead and move up here to Maryland. One of these days, my prayers are bound to be answered.

Sorry for the boring post...:)

Cautiously Hopeful

My dad has a lengthy phone interview with a company in Maryland today at 9 a.m. I am cautiously hopeful that it will go well, and they will want to meet him face-to-face. This could be their big break...the job they've been counting on in order to move up here. I know my Dad is so cautious about getting his hopes up, because he has had many, many interviews but not many job offers. I said a prayer right at 9 a.m. that God would give him the strength and the wisdom to do well during his interview.

Ethan had a bit of a rough weekend. He learned to roll over a little more than a week ago, but now he wants to roll over in the middle of the night! Then he starts crying because he doesn't want to be on his tummy anymore, and Joe or I have to get up and flip him back over. I can't wait until he can roll the other way. He has a sinus infection, so the pediatrician put him on 10 days of amoxicillin. He is better, but the medicine is giving him diarrhea. It's always something! LOL I put a call in to the doctor to see if he wants to switch his meds to something else.

I am amazed at how much Ethan seems to be growing and changing each day. He is holding onto toys now and babbling a mile a minute to them. He turns his head to watch my two dogs play, and when Daddy is around, he just follows him all over with his eyes. I am anxious for his 4-month checkup (except for the shots!) next week to see how much he has grown, and to see if the dr. thinks he is ready for cereal. We are taking Ethan up to Massachusetts over July 4th weekend to meet a bunch of my family that he has never met. It will be an adventure traveling 9 hours each way with an infant, but I know everyone will love meeting him. It's important to me because I want my grandmother to get to meet her great-grandson.

The weight loss seems to be going well. I am doing great at sticking to the plan and only splurging once in a while. At WW weigh-in on Thursday, I had lost 2.8 pounds. I hope to continue to lose at least a pound a week. I know July 4th will be hard, but hopefully if I don't lose, I can at least maintain.

Milestone

Ethan learned to roll over from his back to his tummy this past weekend! I had him on the counter getting him undressed for his bath, and he rolled to his side (which he has been doing for about 2 weeks). But then he kept rolling until he went all the way over! What an amazing moment it was for both Joe and I. We thought he just got lucky that one time, but the next day, he kept rolling over every time we put him on his back. It's so funny how when your child reaches each milestone, you feel like your child is the ONLY one to ever do it. You feel such pride. It sounds so cheesy, and trust me, I never thought I would feel the way I do, but I do!

I'm not entirely sure how the weight loss is going. I officially joined Weight Watchers on Thursday, June 2 and attended the 30-minute meeting. I will be going again this Thursday to get weighed in and attend another meeting. I feel healthier and I like the fact that I am making good food choices 99% of the time. I just hope that the weight loss follows. I weighed myself at home last Thursday morning, and I weighed myself Sunday morning, and it looks like I have lost about 2.5 pounds or so. I will get a better idea when I get weighed on the WW scale.

My Dad has applied for several jobs in Maryland. He received a call from one yesterday, and hopefully they want to interview him. He will have to make a trip to Maryland, but if my Dad can get a job, my parents can leave the house in Florida empty and proceed with their move. They would both like to get out of Florida before the worst of hurricane season, which is usually August and September. I pray that one of these jobs works out for him. Please keep both of my parents in your prayers.

That's about all the news for the moment. Life is hectic being a working Mom, and I cherish each evening when I get home from work and can spend time with Ethan. Life is tough and has its ups and downs, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Bittersweet

When my parents come to visit, it's so bittersweet, because it always comes to an end. I fed Ethan his bedtime bottle last night, and Mom and I put him to bed together. I slowly backed out of his room so I wouldn't wake him. I turned around, and Mom was just lingering by his crib, staring down at the grandson she loves so fiercely. She knew it would be the last time she would see him for many more months. When she closed the door to his room, her eyes were shining with tears. My parents were planning on leaving at 4 a.m. today so they could make it back to Florida tonight. We said our goodbyes before bed, and Mom and I just cried. We have always been close, but Ethan has just brought us closer. I am now a Mom. I now know all of the incredible feelings she must have felt when she looked at me when I was a baby. I now know the nights of worry she must have gone through when I was sick. I now know the intense happiness she must have felt when I smiled at her the very first time.

I heard my parents get up at 3:30 a.m., and I heard Ethan stir and start to fuss, almost as if he was saying, "Gramma, please don't go, I love you". I got up and ran down the stairs so I could say one last goodbye as they were packing the car. When I came back in, I just cried and cried and prayed that someone out there wants to buy their house, or that someone here in Maryland wants to hire my Dad. I have no idea when they will be able to come visit again. They both work full time, and they have already used up so much of their vacation time when Ethan was born. They have to save some time for August when their next grandson is due to be born. Joe and I would love to go to Florida to visit, but it's just too long of a trip to make with Ethan. Plus, we have 2 dogs that we would need to find a dogsitter for. So, we all sit in limbo, not knowing when they will be able to move up here, when they will be able to come visit, when we will all see each other again...

I hated hearing the frustration in my parents' voices when they talked about moving up here and selling the house in Florida. I was raised Catholic, but my parents are not very religious. I was suprised to hear that they had buried a statue of St. Joseph in the ground outside the house. It is supposed to help you sell your house. That showed me how desperate they feel. They don't know God's plan, and they are worried that they will have to weather more hurricanes this year. Their house insurance company dropped them because they had 2 large claims from the two hurricanes that hit their house last year. Now they don't have any insurance. Once they find some, they will be paying triple what they were paying before. It's just a tough situation, and I feel so helpless! I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!

I am definitely feeling down today. And I fell off the wagon BIG TIME this weekend. I haven't gotten on the scale but I have gained back about 3 pounds. I am going to buckle down this week and try to make it to aerobics tomorrow night and Saturday morning. I think I will wait until next weekend to get on the scale and assess the damage. What's done is done, and I don't need to see the number on the scale to rub salt in the wound.

Sorry this post is so incredibly long winded. I am just feeling so down and I thought blogging about it would help me to feel better. I want Ethan to grow up with his grandparents around for every holiday, birthday, baseball game, and school play. I don't want them to miss out on his life.

Today I am thankful that my parents were able to come up even though it hurt to say goodbye. My Mom's face when Ethan smiled at her is worth the sadness I feel right now.

Family

My parents arrived from Florida yesterday, and my Mom is just smothering Ethan with hugs and kisses. It's wonderful! I am so excited that they were able to get away for the weekend and spend some time with him. My Mom and I went to the outlets today and of course, I HAD to buy him some new clothes at both Carter's and Little Me. And I found myself a pair of Clarks sandals for $20.00 at a sidewalk sale!! They are super comfy!

I have fallen just a bit of the diet wagon with company here, but I seem to be maintaining what I've lost. I think I am up a pound from Monday though because I didn't make it to step aerobics on Wednesday or this morning. I hope next week is better for exercising!

Ethan's been rather fussy the past few days. I think he is fighting off a bit of a cold, poor guy. On the bright side, he's still given Gramma and Grampa plenty of smiles.

My parents bought a house in my neighborhood back in October, and they put their house in Florida on the market. Unfortunately, they have not been able to sell their house, and it doesn't look promising with hurricane season right around the corner. They are both so very frustrated and they miss their grandsons so much. My brother and his wife have a 17-month old, and they live in Boston. They are due with another son in late August. My parents feel like they are missing out on so much of their grandsons' lives and it makes them sad. I keep praying every day that someone makes an offer on their house. Please keep them in your prayers if you can.

Sorry I don't have much more to report today. I'm pretty tired, and Ethan still needs a bath and a bottle before bed.

Today I am thankful that my parents are here.

Monday, Monday

Another Monday, and my second week back at work. On Thursday, I gave up the liquid diet and switched to Weight Watchers' new Core plan. So far, I have been doing great on it, and I am feeling so much better. I am now back to using my own scale at home to weigh myself, at least until I join meetings and get weighed in at Weight Watchers. So here are my stats AGAIN based on my scale at home.

Thursday, May 5th (when I started the liquid diet): 197
Monday, May 23rd: 188

I made it to step aerobics at 7:45 a.m. on Saturday morning, and I hope to make it again tonight after work. I am really enjoying it and the workout can't be beat!

I think Ethan might be coming down with a cold or some kind of viral infection. It wouldn't surprise me since he's been in daycare 2 weeks now. He was super fussy all weekend long, and he was running a fever yesterday. He has been sleeping a lot too. He didn't have a fever this morning, so we'll see what the day brings. I wonder if I will get a call from daycare that I need to come get him? I tried him in a Snugli this weekend for the first time. Joe and I went to the mall, and we put him in it. He thought it was so cool that he could look all around and still be close to Mommy, but when he got tired, it took him awhile to figure out that he could lay his head down on me and go to sleep.

My parents might be coming to visit from Florida this weekend. My Mom is trying desperately to find someone to cover for her at work; if she can, then they will come up on Thursday and stay until Tuesday morning. That would give us 4 days with them! I am crossing my fingers...I would LOVE to see them, and they haven't seen Ethan since he was 1 month old.

Today I am thankful that I have such a close family.

TGIF

My first week back at work is almost over! It really went very well, and it is definitely nice to have some adult interaction. I'm tired though! When I get home from work, it's time to take care of Ethan (bath, feeding, putting him in his PJs), make bottles for the next day, do a load of laundry, etc. I don't usually sit down until I actually go to bed. But we are all adjusting to our new schedules, and I know that once I get into a routine, I will be less tired (Maybe?)

For those of you who are wondering, I did decide to quit the liquid diet. I just can't deal with feeling starving all the time and light-headed. I am going to try Weight Watchers. They have a new plan that requires no counting. You basically eat from a list of Core foods that have 0 points. If you want other foods, you must count the points for those, and you can only have 35 points per week. Of course, the foods on the Core list are veggies, fruits, and whole grains, so it teaches you to make better food choices. On the regular points system, you can eat anything you want as long as you journal the points for it. When I tried that before, I would waste points on unhealthy food and still be hungry. I do think that I am going to join meetings for some support and some accountability since you have to weigh in there. I am so scared of gaining back the 8 pounds I lost already because then doing the liquid diet would have been a complete waste of time! Hopefully, sticking to the WW diet and continuing my step classes will do the trick.

Ethan has really discovered his hands now. Last week, he would hold them clasped in front of him real close to his face. He would get cross-eyed staring at them! Now, he holds his arm away from him and looks at his whole arm and hand, like he is realizing that they belong to him. We are encouraging daycare to give him tummy time throughout the day even though he hates it. He definitely needs more help to strengthen his neck muscles.

Today I am thankful that my husband is supporting my weight loss efforts no matter what program I decide to do, and how much money I spend finding the "right" one for me. I am so blessed to have him.

Back to Work

I am typing this entry from my desk at work! Yup, Day 3 back on the job. All in all, I think I am handling it very well, and we're all adjusting to our new routine. I have been getting up early to get dressed and ready so that when I wake Ethan up, I can change and dress him, and then feed him. It's worth getting up early to avoid feeling rushed and stressed. I find myself staring at his picture during the day and smiling at times. Other times, I tear up because I miss him so very much. My mind is here at work, but boy oh boy, my heart is with Ethan!

So, I went for my weekly weigh-in last night, and I am a bit disgusted. I lost 2 pounds!! How can I only have lost 2 pounds?? That means in 2 weeks of not eating anything but nasty shakes, I have lost 8 pounds (according to the scale at the Center). According to my scale at home, I have lost 6.5. I am hungry ALL the time. I don't mean slightly hungry. I mean LUNATIC hungry! The nurse said I shouldn't be that hungry all the time, and she can't understand what's going on. She gave me the option to quit the program or to try to modify it some by drinking three shakes and eating one meal consisting of some lean protein and a salad. I am so unsure as to what I should do. On the one hand, I AM losing some weight even if it's not as quick as I had expected or been led to believe it would come off. But on the other hand, I am so hungry all the time, and I wonder if I could get the same results by joining Weight Watchers instead. I didn't want to make a decision about the program last night because I was way too emotional about it to think clearly. I am going to try to make a decision on Friday. I won't get back all the money I put into the program if I quit since I still have to pay for the bloodwork and nurse consult, but I would get back a good amount. Does anyone have any suggestions??? I am at a complete loss as to where I should go from here.

Ethan is now sleeping through the night. We put him to bed around 9:30 and he sleeps until 6:00. It's absolutely wonderful! Each day I find new things to worry about though, like right now, it's his flat head. It's so flat because he hates tummy time and spends more time in the bouncy or on his back or in the swing. I am not sure how to get him used to tummy time. Every time we do it, he cries hard after only 3 minutes or so. Any suggestions on how to get rid of a flat head?

As you can see, I need lots of help today!!! :)

Weight Loss Update

Tuesday, May 10th: 198
Tuesday, May 17th: 196