Money Can't Buy Me Love

Ethan's first Christmas...where do I begin? My brother and his family arrived from Massachusetts on Thursday and settled in with my parents, who live right down the street from us. On Friday evening, Joe and I put Ethan in his pajamas and then went to a state park a few towns over to look at the HUGE displays of lights they had set up. Of course, Ethan slept through the whole thing, but at least we were all together as a family.

We spent Christmas Eve with Joe's parents and his sister and family. They live about an hour away from us, but none of them had seen Ethan since Labor Day weekend. Joe has never really gotten along well with his family nor been all that close to them, but we are civil and usually manage to make the best of the times we do get together. When we began opening gifts, and I realized just how overboard they had gone, I felt a little sad. I know that seems strange to some people, but that is exactly how I felt. Money can't buy their grandson's love. Presents can't make up for the time that they are not spending with him, the smiles they haven't received, the milestones they've missed. I feel like the gifts are all "for show", to make them look like they are the world's greatest grandparents. Don't get me wrong, I know they love Ethan, but I wish they'd show it in other ways rather than in material things. Here is what they gave him:

• A little rack to hang things on for his room, with his name on it
• Shout Elmo
• Happy Ears Eeyore
• Tumble Time Tigger
• Fisher Price Laugh and Learn Puppy
• Chicco Bi-Lingual Talking Farm
• Talking Sponge Bob Square Pants
• So Much To Say Talking Blues Clues
• Pretend CD player with 3 "discs"
• A ball that plays music and says words
• $100 to Target for clothes
• A Tigger playmat (which he is way too big for!)

A few of these toys or just the gift card would have been PLENTY for them to give Ethan for Christmas. I wish I could trade in some of these toys and exchange them for more hands-on grandparents. I know that I need to accept that they are very different from my parents, but it's so hard. My Mom could tell you some of Ethan's quirks or what his different cries mean. My in-laws couldn't even tell me what daycare he goes to or what his favorite food is. I know that I can't change who they are, but it does bother me a bit. Now Joe and I are on the hunt for a nice toy box for all of the above-mentioned items!!!

Before the holiday weekend, I weighed 172. I gained back about 2.5-3 pounds, but I am back on track today. Hopefully it won't take too awfully long to lose those holiday pounds. I'd still like to make my goal of reaching 150 or 155 by the beginning of May.

All in all, it was a wonderful Christmas, and I found myself staring at Ethan countless times, thinking back to last year when we didn't even know if we were having a boy or a girl. Now I can't even begin to imagine life without him. He makes our family complete. He makes me a better person, and he makes me laugh like I've never laughed before. He truly made this Christmas the most magical one yet.

A Bad Start

This week is getting off to a bad start. First, my left ear is still all blocked up, and I am having a hard time hearing out of it. I started antibiotics for a middle ear infection on Friday, but they don't seem to be helping yet.

Second, Ethan is sick AGAIN. He spent the weekend coughing, sneezing, and wiping his snot all over his face. We gave him Little Colds and hoped for the best. He seems a bit better today, so I took him to daycare. I never imagined how many germs one little person could bring home. Something tells me that by the time the winter is over, I will have exhausted every last bit of my vacation time and sick leave.

Third, my weigh-in was a disaster, and I am doubting everything today. I put the scale in the spare bathroom last Tuesday. On Sunday morning, I got it out and it said 173.5. That would be a 1/2-pound loss since last Monday. I got on this morning, since today is, after all, my "official" weigh-in day. It said 175.5, which is a 1.5-pound gain since last Monday. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. When I did this diet several years ago, the weight came off much quicker and easier than it's coming off now. I feel like giving up...like giving in. Why should I fight so hard? I am wondering if the Zoloft I am taking is hindering my weight loss? I had an appointment on Friday with my doctor to discuss the Zoloft and how it is working, etc., but I had to cancel due to snow. It's rescheduled for next Monday. I would really like to try to wean off the Zoloft slowly as I am not one who really likes to take medicines in the first place.

I am frustrated, angry, exasperated, confused, and sad. I am annoyed that I have been faithful to the diet, and the weight is just hanging on. My short-term goal was to lose 10 pounds by Christmas. That goal seems so unattainable right now. My long-term goal is to lose 35 pounds by May or June. That goal just seems laughable.

Fourth, my period is due at the end of this week, and I feel like such a bitch. Lord help Joe if he just looks at me wrong this week. Maybe he's better off working a bunch of overtime!

Fifth, finances have gotten so incredibly tight with Christmas right around the corner. Joe tells me not to worry, that worrying about the money is his job. He assures me that he will have a nice check on the 23rd because of overtime, but I still worry. We have so many things to do to our house and no money to do it. Our dog cracked one of our windows last year, and we still haven't gotten it fixed. It is taped up with clear packing tape. Our carpets look like hell, our back door needs replacing, and oh yeah, we have a $3500 dental bill for all the work Joe needed to have done.

Friday...you're only 4 days away.

The Power of the Scale

How can an inanimate object hold so much power over my emotions? How can a piece of metal dictate my mood for the day? Why do I let it? When I began my weight-loss journey, I promised that I would only get on the scale once a week. I have failed miserably at keeping that promise. Yesterday, I weighed in at 174, a 1-lb. loss from last week. This morning, I hopped on the scale and saw 175.5!!!! What the hell???? How did I gain 1.5 pounds in 1 day?? I ate very healthy all day. Of course, my mood for the day is now completely shot. I begin to doubt the diet and whether it is working. How could I GAIN weight by eating the same way I've been eating to lose weight?

I am going to move the scale into our spare bathroom tonight. That way I don't see it every time I use our bathroom. If I want to weigh myself, I'd have to go get it. Rationally, I know that I shouldn't be weighing myself every day, but I'm afraid not to. I'm afraid that without seeing the number every day, I will actually fall off the wagon. I am afraid of the number I'll see on Monday morning since I've had no daily weigh-ins to give me a good "prediction". I due for AF at the end of next week, so I'm already dreading my next weigh-in.

Losing weight is so very difficult mentally. I think about it constantly. I'm so impatient watching the pounds come off so slowly even though I know it's healthier and that I'll probably keep the weight off longer. I look at my closet and long for the day when some of my old clothes fit. I'm trying to stay positive but it gets tough sometimes. Today is just one of the "tough" days.

Another Weigh-In

I can't believe I haven't blogged since last Monday...where has the time gone? Well, I lost a pound this week. I had hoped to lose a pound and a half, but hey, I'll take any loss at all! My short-term goal was to lose 10 pounds by Christmas. That leaves me about 3 weeks to lose 3 pounds. It sounds reasonable except that I have several upcoming Christmas events that will attempt to sabatoge my efforts. This Wednesday is my book club's Christmas party and gift exchange. On December 21, Ethan's daycare is having "Breakfast with Frosty", and on December 23, my office is having its annual Christmas party and gift exchange. Not to mention Christmas Eve at my in-law's house and Christmas dinner at my Mom's house. I do NOT want to gain back the 7 pounds I have worked so hard to lose. I hope to maintain the loss throughout the holidays.

I am so tired. It was nearly impossible to drag myself out of bed at 5:30 this morning. Joe came down with a nasty cold, and I came down with a not-quite-as-nasty cold. It seems that one of us has been sick since the beginning of October. I have a feeling that it's going to be a looooong winter with a child in daycare. One germ after another.

Starting Weight: 181
Current Weight: 174
Next Weigh-In: Monday, December 12

Weigh-In Day

I lost a whopping 1/2 pound. I know it's better than gaining, but I had hoped to least at least 1 pound. But this is a new week with no holidays to sidetrack me. I'm back at work, Ethan is back at daycare, and hopefully life is back to a normal routine. That will help me stick to the plan much better than last week.

Starting Weight: 181
Current Weight: 175
Next Weigh-In: Monday, December 5th

7 Days of Snot

I am so tired of wiping snot off my clothes, my face, my hands, and every uncovered inch of Ethan's body. He has been on the antibiotic for 6 days now, and I think he is just starting to turn the corner towards feeling better. It's been such a rough week, and I pray that this isn't a prediction of how the entire winter is going to be.

The Thanksgiving buffet was a bit of a disaster. I had one small plate of food, but I got, um, just a wee bit carried away at the dessert table. Okay, if you must know, I had 4 desserts! *sigh* And they were all delicious! I am extremely nervous about tomorrow morning's weigh-in. The one positive thing is that I went right back on the diet after that meal. I did not let it sidetrack me. So if I gained a bit or didn't lose this week, I'm trying to tell myself that it's okay. Holidays are tough for everyone, even if they're not on a diet.

Speaking of food, Joe is on his way home from Outback Steakhouse right now with an early dinner for the two of us since Ethan is napping. Call me weird, but I always get seafood from there. Today I'm having grilled salmon, one of my favorites.

I'll check in tomorrow with the grim weigh-in news!

My Poor Little Man

Ethan is still so very sick, and there's not a whole heck of a lot we can do for him. We are giving him all the meds that the pediatrician prescribed, and we're just waiting for them to do their job. In the meantime, he is miserable. He has so much junk in his chest and throat that he gags when I try to feed him his baby food. He has a hard time breathing when he tries to suck his thumb, and then he gets mad. Joe and I are hoping he feels better tomorrow or else we won't be able to take him out to the restaurant. Then Joe and I will be eating TV dinners for Ethan's first Thanksgiving Day! LOL To make matters worse, after 9 full months of no teeth, his bottom two decide that they must come up while he is sick with a terrible cold. The tops of both of them have just poked through, and that is making him cranky too. I just put him to bed so now I can have some "me" time. Joe stayed home with him all day so I could go to work, so he just ran out to Walmart to get out of the house.

My menu for today:

Breakfast: skim milk and South Beach Diet cereal
Snack: celery with peanut butter
Lunch: Tossed salad with crab cakes on it
Snack: string cheese
Dinner: South Beach Diet frozen dinner (what can I say...I'm lazy tonight!!)
Snack: Sugar-free fudgsicle

I am a little nervous about eating at the restaurant tomorrow since it's a buffet and they will have PLENTY of good stuff. I do have a plan though and I am going to try to stick to it. A little bit of everything that I love, but nothing that I can live without. Do I really need to have a roll or stuffing? No, but I do need to have some mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie. Hopefully, I still see some weight loss at Monday's weigh-in because I still have 25 more pounds to lose!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Catching Up

Sorry to keep everyone in suspense about weigh-in day. Ethan has been so sick with sinusitis that is draining right into his lungs. I am exhausted because he's been so restless at night and coughing off and on. He is now on Amoxicillin, Albuterol, and Singulair for the next 10 days to clear it up and make sure that it doesn't turn into bronchitis or pneumonia. He's been sick before, but never this sick, and it truly breaks my heart to see him like this.

Okay, the scale was at 175.5 yesterday morning. That means I have lost 5.5 pounds in the past 2 weeks. Not as good as the 8 pounds I lost the first time I did the South Beach Diet, but hey, at least the scale is finally moving down again. Joe, Ethan, and I are going out to dinner on Thanksgiving with my parents. My plan is to eat a little bit of everything that I really just have to have. There will be no leftovers once we leave the restaurant, so I am hoping that going off the diet for just one meal will not leave any lasting consequences on the next weigh-in day.

Starting weight: 181
Current weight: 175.5
Next weigh-in: Monday, November 28th

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Ethan had his 9-month checkup yesterday morning. He weighs 19 lbs., 12 ounces, and is 29 and 1/4 inches long. That puts him in the 50th percentile for weight and the 80th percentile for height. I think he is going to be on the scrawny side, just like Joe was as a child. It's hard to believe that at his next appt., he will be a year old! Where in the heck as the time gone??? My baby is so quickly turning into a little boy.

Joe took the day off yesterday so he could go to Ethan's appt. with me, and he was wonderful with Ethan all day. He just held him and rocked him in the chair. I'm usually Ethan's favorite, but when he's sick, he always wants his Daddy. My mother is home with Ethan today, because I really felt that he was still too sick to go to daycare. We'll see how he is tonight and if he can go tomorrow.

I'll try to be better about keeping my blog updated! :)

Oops!

I just realized that I had not blogged my menu for Wednesday or for today. Here goes:

Breakfast: 1/2 cup cottage cheese
Snack: celery with peanut butter
Lunch: tossed salad, scoop of tuna fish, scoop of seafood salad
Snack: string cheese
Dinner: leftover chicken and green beans
Snack: jello with cool whip

Breakfast: 2 eggs with 2 slices of turkey bacon
Snack: pistachios
Lunch: leftover chicken and tossed salad
Snack: string cheese
Dinner: salmon, steamed veggies, tossed salad, a few grilled shrimp
Snack: sugar-free fudgsicle

Joe is actually home tonight so I am going to enjoy some time with him instead of blogging!

Stale

First things first...

Tuesday's menu:

Breakfast: 2 eggs w/ 2 slices of turkey bacon
Snack: cut up cucumbers and green peppers with hummus
Lunch: chef salad
Snack: some pistachios and peanuts
Dinner: garlic parmesan chicken, green beans
Snack: sugar-free fudgsicle

I am not at all convinced that I have lost any more weight in the last few days. I am hoping that I am just bloated because of AF's expected arrival this Friday. I have stuck to my promise and not jumped on the scale at all. I will wait until Monday. I will be happy if I have lost 2 more pounds by Monday, making my loss for the two weeks a total of 6 pounds. It is very hard to stay focused on a diet when the other things in your life are stressful. Joe's job is as worse as it's ever been in terms of the hours he is working. Last night, it was about 11:30 when he got home, and I was already asleep. I miss him. I think I am going to ask my mom to babysit on Saturday night so that Joe and I can go out for dinner together.

I feel like my life is stale. My job is extremely unfulfilling, and I feel like I am wasting my talents by staying here. So why do I stay?? Well, there are tons of reasons: 1) the commute is easy 2) the money is good 3) good benefits 4) extremely flexible working environment if I need to leave for ANY reason 5) wonderful people. But I'm bored. I sit at work thinking about all the things I could be doing at home, or the time I could be spending with Ethan instead of working a job that leaves me feeling drained, not because of the stress, but because of the constant boredom. I have thought out this situation over and over in my mind, and I just don't feel like it would be a wise decision to change jobs at this point in my life. Joe's job is so unpredictable, and mine is the complete opposite. One of us needs to be around and available in case Ethan gets sick at daycare, or needs to go to the doctor's, etc.

I have no girlfriends in my life to hang out with. I don't know how to meet people since I work full-time. If I was a stay-at-home mom, I could take Ethan to story time at the library or to a play group and meet other women with children. With Joe working so much, I really notice that I am a loner. I have no one to call and chat with (except my mom) or to bitch about life with, or just to share a cup of coffee with.

I have no time for anything. No time for walks with Ethan. No time to exercise. Barely enough time to cook. Most of this is because Joe isn't home at night, and so I am the one caring for Ethan and the dogs, cooking dinner, cleaning up, and getting Ethan's stuff ready for the next day. Once he's in bed at 6:45, I am stuck at home. I used to belong to a book club in the neighborhood, but I haven't been to a meeting in more than 3 months. Book club starts at 6:30, and Ethan goes to bed at 6:45.

I need something to freshen up my life, something just for me. I don't know what it is, but I do know that my life is completely ruled by Joe's job and my son's schedule. I sometimes feel so trapped by both of them. I love them both more than anything in this world, but I don't have anything for myself.

My menu for today:

Breakfast: 2 eggs with 2 slices of turkey bacon
Snack: celery with one wedge of Laughing Cow cheese
Lunch: leftover roasted turkey breast and a tossed salad
Dinner: scallops, cauliflower mashed potatoes, small salad
Snack: sugar-free jello with 2 tbsp. of fat-free Cool Whip

I didn't eat any pizza because it was in another building. I just didn't go over!! When in doubt, stay away! LOL I still have to pack a lunch for tomorrow and I really don't feel like it. I figure if I give myself 10 minutes on the computer, then I will make myself pack my lunch and my snacks.
I am feeling extremely bloated tonight. I find myself thinking about the scale all the time. I got on it before dinner even though I said I would weigh in next Monday. I am NOT going to get on it again until Monday, I promise!!!

For those of you who were following Lacie's story, I wanted to post a link to the website created in her memory www.geocities.com/ourprincesslacie/ Take a few moments and check it out. She was a beautiful little girl who touched so many lifes in the short time she was here with us.

Weigh-in Day

I woke up this morning filled with trepidation. I was filled with expectation as well as anxiety. Now that the time was here to get on the scale, I found that I didn't want to! I lost 4 pounds. I was filled with disappointment, mostly because last time I did the South Beach Diet, I lost 6 pounds the first week, and I was thinner than when I started it this time. I am trying to stay positive and remember that I have several factors counting against me this week: 1) my period is due the end of this week so I might be a bit bloated 2) I didn't really go #2 in the last 12 hours. I am heading into Week 2 of Phase I of the diet, which means I am still eating very limited carbs, no dairy, no fruit, etc. Next week, I will be able to add some carbs back in: oatmeal, high-fiber bread, strawberries, blueberries, apples, yogurt, etc.

Some of the things I know I have to work on:

• Drinking more water. I drank too much diet soda over the weekend and not enough water.
• Getting in a little bit of exercise a few times a week.
• Not eating takeout as much as I did this week.
• Cut down on the amount of peanuts I am eating

That said, here are my menus from Saturday and Sunday:

• Breakfast: Celery with peanut butter
• Snack: string cheese
• Lunch: Roman chicken salad from Quizno's
• Dinner: Grilled chicken caesar salad from Panera Bread
• Snack: peanuts

• Breakfast: Celery with peanut butter
• Snack: peanuts
• Lunch: 1/2 cup fat-free cottage cheese, 2 slices of turkey w/ 1 slice of provolone cheese
• Snack: peanuts
• Dinner: roasted turkey breast, cauliflower mashed potatoes, tossed salad
• Snack: sugar-free fudgsicle

Current weight: 177

Next weigh-in: Monday, November 21st

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Joe worked all day yesterday, so I hung out with Ethan. Joe works for Qwest Government Solutions; he is in the telecommunications field and works for government sites. The equipment and sites he deals with require a top-secret clearance, and so you can imagine the pressure on deadlines, the amount of red tape, etc. Much of the work he does must be done after normal business hours so that communications are not interrupted during prime time. He loves his job and he is excellent at it, but the hours SUCK!

I had a nice day with Ethan though, and Joe and I had a nice dinner after we put Ethan to bed. We even made time to take a bubble bath together and relax, something we haven't done in a long time. Since we don't know what kind of long hours this week will bring, it was wonderful to spend some quality time together.

Ethan's phase continued over the weekend. He was fussy and very needy, wanting to be held all the time. I don't know if he's teething, as I can't see any signs of teeth coming through. He's been sick off and on with a cold for quite some time, so maybe he just doesn't feel well. He goes next Monday for his 9-month checkup so I will ask the doctor what the thinks. At least he is still sleeping all the way through the night: from 6:30 until 6:30. Can't ask for more than that!

I'll try to check back in tonight with today's menu. My company is buying everyone pizza for lunch today...gee, another obstacle! When you work full-time, bad food literally surrounds you! I packed a tossed salad and some leftover roasted turkey breast from last night.

Quick Check-In

I don't have a whole lot of time to post but I realized I hadn't entered my menu for yesterday, so here it is:

Breakfast: 2 eggs w/ 2 slices of turkey bacon
Snack: celery w/ peanut butter
Lunch: Tossed salad with chicken salad on it
Dinner: roasted chicken, green beans, and steamed veggies
Snack: string cheese

I am so busy today trying to get some things done around the house. Joe is off running some errands and it is almost impossible to get anything done when Ethan is awake! Joe has to work tomorrow, which I'm pretty bummed out about. I just haven't seen very much of him this week, and now I have to give up one of the two days when I am usually guaranteed that I'll have him home. Oh well, nothing I can do about it. Maybe I'll take Ethan out Christmas shopping if I can get him to stop fussing for 2 hours! All he wants to do lately is fuss and whine until he gets his way about everything. Makes for a tiring day!

I'll try to check in later with today's menu!

Day 5

My menu for yesterday:

Breakfast: 2 eggs w/ 2 slices of turkey bacon
Snack: celery with 1 wedge of Light Laughing Cow cheese (yes, that's the real name!)
Lunch: Salad with grilled chicken
Snack: string cheese
Dinner: Red Lobster takeout! (tilapia with vegetables, tossed salad, 3 shrimp)
Snack: Sugar-free jello with 2 tbsp. of fat-free Cool Whip

As the days go by, I am getting more and more nervous to get on the scale. When I look in the mirror, I don't think I have lost any weight. Maybe it's just because I have so much weight to lose, that 3-4 pounds doesn't really "show" yet? When I went for my follow-up doctor's appointment, she suggested that I have my thyroid tested since I was having so much trouble losing weight. I haven't had a chance to go get that done yet. I'm nervous that after a whole week on this diet, I won't have lost anything! I almost got on the scale last night, but I resisted. I said I wouldn't get on until Monday, and I am going to stick to that.

Joe and I hung out last night and watched TV and it was just so nice to have him home. I expect he'll be late tonight...but at least it's Friday!

My parents closed on their house in Florida yesterday, and they are so thankful to be rid of it! Now they just have to find jobs and finish getting settled into the new house.

Ethan has been going through a very, very cranky phase. He wants to be held all the time, and I think he is teething terribly. He will be 9 months on the 19th and he still has no teeth. We just muddle through the best we can each day, knowing that this too shall pass.

A Break

Well, Joe hurt his back at work yesterday and he is taking the day off today. Although I am not happy that he hurt his back, I am THRILLED that he will be home when I get home from work and that he will be able to see his son tonight. I am also happy that he will be able to catch up on some rest today. He worked late again last night, and when he walked in the door, he looked at me and said, "So that's what you look like!"

My menu for yesterday:

Breakfast: 2 eggs w/ 2 slices of turkey bacon
Snack: celery w/ peanut butter
Lunch: carved turkey, green beans, tossed salad, 2 spoonfuls of seafood salad
Snack: 30 pistachio nuts
Dinner: 2 center-cut pork chops, leftover broccoli w/ cheese, broiled tomato w/ parmesan cheese
Snack: sugar-free fudgsicle

I am feeling so positive about my diet, and so very nervous about weighing in on Monday morning, especially since I am due for my period next week. I am trying not to expect a drastic weight loss, but I will be so upset if the scale hasn't at least dropped by 3 pounds or so. Last time I did South Beach, I lost 6 pounds the first week. I've been so tempted to get on the scale and see how I'm doing but I've resisted.

I'll be back later with my menu for today!

Trudging On

Day 2 of the South Beach Diet. Today I successfully maneuvered my way around several obstacles: 1) My entire office ordered breakfast to welcome back my co-worker who lost her daughter 2 weeks ago. I joined the group but ate the snack that I brought. 2) Birthday cake (chocolate with peanut butter icing!!) in the afternoon. I simply wished my co-worker a Happy Birthday and then excused myself so I wouldn't have to watch everyone else eat cake.

Here's what I ate today:

Breakfast: 2 eggs with 2 slices of turkey bacon
Snack: Celery sticks with peanut butter
Lunch: Chef salad
Snack: String cheese
Dinner: 2 hamburger patties, leftover broccoli with cheese, small tossed salad
Snack: Sugar-free fudgsicle

I am so exhausted and worn out, and I am stil sick. I think it has officially turned into a sinus infection now. Even Ethan still has his runny nose. I feel like I just can't catch up on my rest, and Joe has worked late both last night and tonight, so I am on my own. After working all day, I picked up Ethan, fed him, played with him for about 40 minutes, gave him a bath and a bottle, and put him to bed. Then I made myself dinner and cleaned up. Washed bottles and got them ready for daycare tomorrow. Fed the dogs and started the first load of laundry. Picked up Ethan's toys and brought in the 2 trash barrels from the curb along with my work bag and purse that were still out in my car. I still have to marinate some pork chops, take out some chicken to defrost, and pack snacks for tomorrow. Oh, and finish the other load of laundry and put it away.

I feel like Joe supports me in my quest to lose weight, just as he always has. But he is not there for me on a daily basis to help with meal preparation or to offer words of encouragement. I feel like I don't see him during the week because he is always working late. And I hate that Ethan doesn't get to see him except for about 10 minutes each morning when we get him out of bed. I feel resentful of Joe and his job, and I feel resentful that I am doing everything around the house and then some. I know that he is making money and providing for me and Ethan, but I miss him. I'm just plain tired.

Calgon, take me away!

Day 1

Today was Day 1 of the South Beach Diet. I will try to post a picture of myself soon. I'd like to have one when I start the diet so that I can look back in a month and (hopefully) see a big difference. Here's what I ate today:

Breakfast: 2 eggs w/ 2 slices of turkey bacon
Snack: 1/2 cup fat-free cottage cheese
Lunch: tossed salad with grilled chicken/sugar-free jello snack cup
Snack: String cheese
Dinner: 2 tilapia filets, broccoli w/cheddar cheese, small tossed salad
Snack: Sugar-free fudgsicle

I am feeling confident that I can really lose the weight, and I am more determined than I have been in a long time. My online friend Ginny is doing the diet with me, and I know that will be a huge support.

I'm exhausted tonight, so I will save my other thoughts for tomorrow.

Starting weight: 181 (gosh, that's embarrassing to admit!!)
Next Weigh-In: Monday, November 14th

The Plan

My plan is to start the South Beach Diet on Monday. I am in the process of refreshing my memory of the diet and planning my meals for next week. I am anxious and excited to start because I know how well it worked for me previously, and I am hoping that I can lose a nice amount of weight before the holidays. My goal is to lose 7-10 pounds by Christmas. I am going to take my friend Sara's advice and blog my food each day (if I can remember!). I know it will be a bit boring for you all to read, but I think it will make me feel more accountable for what is going in my mouth. We all need some accountability, don't we??

On Monday, I plan on posting my current weight and a current picture of myself. I will update my weight each week and I will try to update the picture each month. My ultimate goal is to lose 30 pounds in time for my cousin's wedding in early May. And let me tell you, if I can do it, I am treating myself to an expensive, gorgeous dress to wear!

I am feeling much better now that I've been on Zoloft for 3 weeks. I still feel a bit shaky/jumpy from the medicine but that should begin to subside soon. I feel more positive about things, and I feel ready to make the commitment to lose weight. I'm so incredibly glad that I talked to my doctor about all the anxiety I was feeling and how overwhelmed by life I was. She said that anyone who worked full-time, took care of a house, and had the primary responsibility of caring for an 8 1/2 month old would certainly feel overwhelmed! It made me feel so much better to have someone acknowledge how much I have on my plate these days.

On to other news: Ethan is now crawling on all four's, and I can't even begin to imagine WHY IN THE WORLD I wanted him to! He is obsessed with Pepper and Snoopy's water bowl, and he splashes in it as much as he can get away with. I move him across the room and he heads right back to it. It's definitely time to start baby-proofing the house!

My parents are leaving Florida today for their move to Maryland. They were supposed to close on the house today, but it has been pushed back to next Tuesday or Wednesday. Hopefully, nothing goes wrong between now and then to cause the buyers to back out. My parents have really been through so much recently, and I am so anxious for them to start fresh.

Sorry for the boring post! I really wanted to declare my intention of starting the diet on Monday (more accountability!). I am NOT backing out of this, and I WILL lose the weight.

Full Circle

Somehow, my blog has come full circle. When I began this blog, it was to document my weight-loss journey as well as the milestones of Ethan's first year. Many months later, I am back to the weight-loss issue. I have not blogged about my weight loss because, well, there is none to blog about.

I have now weighed the same (give or take 2 pounds) since July 1. That's 3 entire months wasted. I feel ashamed when I look in the mirror. I am definitely NOT the person I used to be. I had to go out and buy a bunch of new fall clothes because nothing in my closet fit. Shopping used to be a joy, and now I avoid it like the plague. I don't have many pictures of me with Ethan because I am way too embarrassed by my current weight. I think I hit rock bottom today. We had a Halloween potluck lunch at work, and after stuffing myself with an insane amount of calories and fat grams, I felt horrible. I felt sick to my stomach, but even more sick in my heart. I know I'm not making the right food choices and I keep making up excuses for why I am not going back on the one diet that I know will work.

About a year before I got pregnant with Ethan, I lost 25 pounds on the South Beach Diet. It was remarkably easy as long as I ate the way the book told me to. I looked great and felt like a million bucks. All that went out the window when Joe and I started to TTC. And the weight came back on. I know that I should go back on the SBD, but there is so much food preparation involved, and it's also not cheap to buy all that produce. I work full time, so my evenings are jam-packed with picking Ethan up from daycare, feeding him, bathing him, playing with him, and putting him to bed. After that, it's washing and making bottles, laundry, feeding the dogs, etc. The thought of having to make a healthy meal (as opposed to popping in a Lean Cuisine or a Hot Pocket) just does not sound appealing! Neither does cleaning up dinner and then having to prepare a lunch for me to take to work the next day. Joe works late most nights, so I can't rely on him for any help with this.

I know that if I want this bad enough, I will find a way to do it. I "think" I have reached the point where I am ready to make the commitment, but how do I know for sure? I've been brainstorming ways that I can prepare food without it consuming an enormous amount of my non-working hours. Here's what I've come up with:

1. Bring lettuce, cucumber, green pepper, tomatoes to work each Monday so that I can prepare salads for lunch.

2. Eat a salad from the salad bar in the cafeteria once a week for a break.

3. Cook a bunch of chicken breasts on Sunday evening to have for the week.

4. Get up 15 minutes earlier so that I can scramble up some eggs for breakfast. Make myself NOT worry if I leave dirty dishes in the sink until I get home from work.

5. Try to prepare food on weekends as much as possible and keep dinners SIMPLE!

These things sound so easy when I type them here, but how easy will it really be in practice? I know that I need to give this a shot and let it work for me, just like it did last time. Here are my (mostly vain) reasons for wanting to lose weight:

1. I want to fit into my lingerie again and look sexy for Joe
2. I want to buy a gorgeous dress to wear to both weddings
3. I want to fit into all of my clothes again
4. I want to have more energy
5. I want to look in the mirror and see "me"
6. I want to lose weight before I have another baby (not that that is happening anytime soon)

I'm scared. Unless you have struggled with your weight your entire life; lost and gained countless pounds; tried more diets than you want to admit and failed at most of them; or dreaded the sight of yourself in the bathroom mirror, then you just won't understand how I feel. I'm scared to fail again. I'm scared that I don't have the willpower needed for this (or ANY) diet. I'm scared that my grandparents are coming this weekend, and I have to cook for them. Should I wait to start the diet until they leave, or is that just another excuse to postpone it??

I know that I will be thinking about this long and hard tonight. I will be talking to Joe and bouncing all of my ideas off him and garnering his support. No matter how many times I fail, he always believes in me.

It's All About The Timing

My parents put their house in Florida on the market last November after weathering Hurricanes Frances and Jeanne and suffering some damage to their home. After many months of searching for a contractor to fix the carport, the siding, and the roofs over the shed and sun porch, they finally completed the repairs in February. Now all they needed was to sell their house since they had already purchased a home in Maryland, right in my neighborhood.

In August, they finally got an offer on the house and they set their settlement date for November 3. Then Hurricane Wilma came along and smashed all of their carefully made plans to smithereens. Gotta love Mother Nature. They lost the carport again, and this time it broke the dining room window. The carpet is all wet since the wind blew the rain right in. The roof on the sun porch buckled and there are some other damages as well. With a week to go before settlement, no one knows what is going to happen. I suppose that my Dad has been on the phone today with the realtor to find out if the buyers still want the house. If they do, they could very reasonably ask to postpone settlement until the repairs are made. This is a huge problem because my parents already gave their notices at their jobs and will be unemployed in exactly one week. It could take months to find someone to rebuild the carport and fix the roof.

They have been through so much in the past 13 months, and the one thing they want more than anything is to be closer to their children and grandchildren. They have overcome so many obstacles in order to make this move, and they feel so defeated by the aftermath of Hurricane Wilma. They are tired, worried, angry, and stressed out. I wish there was some way that I could help them. All I can do is pray that the buyers are still interested and that the repairs can be completed in a timely manner, both of which seem extremely unlikely at this point.

Boy, when it rains, it really pours.