The World of a Grownup

When did you first look around and realize that you had really, truly become a grownup? Was it when you graduated college and got your first apartment? Was it when you got married? Was it when you got your first "real" job, or when you had your first child? I'm not sure that I have ever felt truly grown up (even though I am 3 months shy of 31!) until last night. Joe and I spent 90 minutes discussing Certificates of Deposit, life insurance, and wills.

We came up with an "action" list of things we need to accomplish within the next few months:

1. Buy several Certificates of Deposit. We have a savings account that is earning a pitiful amount of interest. At the end of each year, we marvel at how we can both eat at McDonald's with the interest we've earned! So, we took most of the money out and invested it into two CDs with an 8-month term and an interest rate of 5%. At the end of the 8 months, we will reinvest it into another CD.

2. Joe has a life insurance policy through his job, but it is only payable upon death. I have one through my company as well, although it is a small one. In addition, I have a whole life insurance policy. We need to look into getting Joe and I both some term life insurance. We would also like a small policy for Ethan.

3. We do not have a will. Nor do we have a guardian named for Ethan. This bothers me because no one knows what tomorrow will bring, and Ethan is the most important thing in the entire world to Joe and I. We need to make absolutely certain that he will be loved and well cared for if something happens to us. We have decided to name my brother and his wife as his legal guardian, but it has not been put into writing.

Being a grownup is hard work. It means constantly thinking about what's best for your child and his/her future. Sometimes I look around and I am in awe of all that I have accomplished since graduating from college in 1996: I have been married for 10 years and have an incredible son. I own my own home and drive nice cars. I have a bit (although not a lot!) of money in the bank and a wonderful family! When I look around, I am amazed at how truly grown up I am. What happened? Why didn't I see it before? Is it because I'm just so young at heart?

I think about the fact that I am almost 31, and I get nervous about having another baby. Will I be able to get pregnant as easily as the first time? After all, we aren't planning on trying until Ethan is 2. Will I have more health problems getting pregnant at 31? Will the baby? I am leaving that all in God's hand for I have no other choice. Life is gamble, and part of being a grownup is being able to take that risk and accept the outcome.

Being a grownup is tough, but it means I get to experience all of the wonders of the world through my child's eyes. I wouldn't trade that for anything.

Has it really been this long?

I knew that it had been quite some time since I updated my blog, but I didn't realize it had been over a month! I have been so busy just keeping up with life these days. I'm not even sure quite where to start...

Ethan: He is doing GREAT! He had his 15-month checkup this past Tuesday, and he now weighs 22 pounds, 14 ounces and is 31 and 1/4 inches long. That puts him in the 30th percentile for weight and the 60th for height. He got three shots and took them like a champ! The nurse said he his hitting all of his milestones and wasn't concerned that he isn't saying very much. I know he's fine and that he'll talk up a storm when he's good and ready.

We've discovered that he has a peanut allergy. A few weeks ago, I gave him a bit of natural peanut butter on an English muffin. About 10 minutes later, he had 2 small hives on his upper lip, and his chin was broken out. The pediatrician said that Ethan can't have peanuts or peanut oil at all, and he gave us a prescription for 2 Epi-pen Jrs., one for home and one for daycare. There is only a 30% chance that he'll grow out of it as he gets older. I was upset about it because I know that it can be a difficult and dangerous allergy, but I am feeling better about it now. We'll handle this as a family, and it will get easier as Ethan gets older and knows what he needs to stay away from.

Ethan has been learning a lot of new things lately. He has started dancing and I think this child is going to be the next Taylor Hicks with his jerky, wacky dance moves! (Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Taylor Hicks, but his dancing leaves a lot to be desired!) Ethan learned "Uh-oh" and now he throws EVERYTHING on the floor just so he can say it. Of course, it's accompanied by a big grin. He also is trying to say "All done" and "Grampa". I am amazed every single day when I look at him. I am such a lucky woman and I never want to take that for granted.

ME: I am still doing Weight Watchers with my Mom, but things aren't going as well as I hoped they would. I lost 6 and 1/2 pounds pretty quickly, but I have been stalled for about a month now. No loss, but at least no gain. I know that I need to exercise, but I have NO time at all to squeeze it in. I need to buckle down and start keeping better track of my points. I'm glad I haven't gained, but I want to lose 20 more pounds before getting pregnant again next year, so I need to get my butt in gear!

I had a job interview this past Tuesday. A neighbor of mine told me about an opening at her company for an Administrative Assistant III for a department of about 45 people. I am content where I am but very bored and unchallenged, so I figured I might as well submit my resume. The interview went well, but the very top of the salary for the position is still $3,000 less than what I am currently making as an editor. They were supposed to let me know by the end of the week if they had made a decision, but I didn't hear anything today. I have talked it over with Joe and decided that I most likely wouldn't accept an offer anyway. I have incredible flexibility where I work now, and I would be hard-pressed to find that anywhere else. Because Joe works more than an hour from home and is often unreachable by phone, I need to be the parent with the flexible schedule, the one who can drop everything and pick up Ethan at daycare if he is sick.
I would still like to make a career move one day, but staying where I am is the best choice for our family right now.

This week has been a tough one for all of us because Joe has worked some crazy hours because of a big, high-profile project. I have felt a bit overwhelmed by working full-time and taking care of the house, 2 dogs, and Ethan. Hopefully, Joe will be around this weekend and we can all have some quality family time.

Mother's Day was wonderful and so different from last year when Ethan was just 3 months old. Ethan and Joe both gave me cards, and then we went out to lunch with my Mom and Dad. When Ethan got down from the high chair, it quickly became evident that Daddy had put his shoes on the wrong feet! LOL I got a sterling silver Tiffany necklace to match the bracelet that I got for Christmas, and Joe told me I could get a new Mommy Bag/Diaper Bag. I went today during my lunch hour and picked out a cute, red Vera Bradley carry-all bag.

My dad works for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation, and all of us are doing the Great Strides walk this Sunday. It should be a fun day, and we're hoping for nice weather.

I hope now that I've caught up on my blog, I can post more often. Sometimes I feel like I don't have much to say, but I have to remember that this blog is really my journal.

Be back soon (I hope!)

Unusually Unusual

Thanks Rhonda!
So, I have been tagged. So here we go! Six things that are weird/strange/unusual about me...

1) I love the smell of gasoline. I love going to fill up and smelling the gas fumes coming out of the pump.

2) I like John Denver's music. *blushes* Yup, I do. My husband will NEVER let me live this one down. He makes fun of me all the time for it, but I know all the words to "Follow Me", "Country Roads", "Grandma's Featherbed", etc. I even saw him in concert when I was small (my parents like him too!)

3) I never stand at the sink when I am brushing my teeth. I walk around and do other things at the same time! I'll brush my teeth with one hand while putting away clothes or something with the other.

4) I cannot stand for a wet shower curtain or liner to touch me when I'm in the shower. It simply grosses me out!

5) I enjoy watching QVC. I've never ordered anything, but man, can I get all caught up in "Today's Special Value"!

6) Just like Rhonda, I hate beer. I absolutely cannot stand any kind of beer at all.

Everyone I know has been tagged already, so I'll just look forward to reading about everyone else's quirks!

Mommy Guilt

Any other first-time Moms out there suffering from Mommy guilt? I seem to suffer from this almost every waking moment of my day. The guilt begins at 6:30 a.m. when I have to wake a precious bundle of sleep from his crib so that I can dress him and give him some cheerios before rushing out the door at 6:55 a.m.

Guilt trip #2: I kiss Ethan goodbye and turn for the door knowing that I have already stayed 10 minutes too long. I see him watch me leave, and my heart still feels heavy, even after doing the same routine for the past 11 months.

Guilt trip #3: I am 7 minutes late picking Ethan up because of an accident on the highway. My fault? Nope, but the guilt is still there. Will Ethan know the difference between 5 p.m. and 5:07 p.m.? Nope, but I do, and the guilt threatens to swallow me up.

Guilt trip #4: I walk into daycare and see Ethan playing with some toys. He looks up at me, grins, and immediately begins to fuss until I rush over and pick him up for a hug. This is the absolute best part of my day, but again, the guilt rushes in because I realize how much he's missed me.

Guilt trip #5: The weekend rolls around, and I need to shop for a dress for a wedding that's in 5 weeks. Daddy is more than willing to take care of Ethan, but the Mommy guilt insists that Ethan will know that I am not around and miss me. The Mommy guilt overtakes me as I am trying on dresses and I start to rush so that I can get home as soon as possible.

There are so many more cases of Mommy Guilt in my day-to-day life. I know, on an intellectual level, that my mother or Joe is more than capable of taking care of Ethan. And I know that Ethan absolutely loves both his daddy and his gramma. Then what's the problem? I've asked myself this same question countless times. As a Mom who works full-time outside the home, I get very little time during the week to spend with my son. Therefore, I feel like I need to be with him every minute as if to make up for lost time. I don't want to miss any more belly laughs, first steps, and smiles than I already do.

I need to work right now. At some point, Joe and I hope that things will be different. I know that we are making the best decisions for our family. I know that Ethan loves his teachers at daycare, and he loves his friends. He gets to play outside and fingerpaint and sing songs and read. Most days, I am okay with that. Is it the ideal situation? No, but it's the one that works right now. Some days, like today, I dread the coming week and the time I will never get back with Ethan. I try to make each second count when we do spend time together, but the Mommy Guilt is always there, right underneath the surface, just waiting to emerge.

Walking, but Not Talking

My little man is now walking. He is still a bit unsteady and wobbly at times, but he is walking! When did my baby become a little PERSON? I can already see that he is going to be a very strong-willed (aka stubborn) child, just like his daddy and me. And he has such a goofy personality (also just like his daddy and me)!

Ethan still has not said any words, although his babble definitely sounds more like "talking" now than before. He is spending the week at daycare in the toddler room instead of the infant room. It's just about time for him to move up in the world! If he does well in the toddler room, he will be moved there permanently next week. Time is just moving way too quickly for me!

I am still sticking with Weight Watchers! At weigh-in on Sunday, I had lost .6...I was a bit disappointed, but AF is due at the end of the week, and I'm hoping that has something to do with my tiny loss. In the 4 weeks since joining, I have lost 4.8 pounds. It's a small amount, but it's still a step in the right direction, and I am NOT QUITTING! I know that this program will work if I stick with it. I might not lose every week (heck, some weeks I might even gain), but I know that I can do this. I NEED to do this.

Joe and I had a tough week last week since we didn't see much of each other. Joe worked a few late nights again, but we are hoping this week is better. The evenings are so much more relaxing and fun when he is home. We're able to be a "real" family that eats together, plays together, etc. And Ethan eats great only when Joe feeds him so it is a HUGE help when Joe is home early enough to give Ethan his dinner.

Does anyone know if children go through a growth spurt around 13-14 months? Ethan has been napping quite a bit lately, ever since he started walking more actually. Maybe it takes so much energy to walk that he is more tired? I'm not complaining (a sleeping toddler is a good toddler!), just wondering!

A Few Bumps in the Road

I feel like a bad mommy today. I was totally ready when Ethan's bedtime rolled around. On Monday, daycare called and said that he had diarrhea and needed to be picked up. I left work at 2:00 to go get him. Daycare has a rule that any child with a fever, vomiting, or diarrhea cannot return to the center until he/she has been symptom-free for 24 hours. So I stayed home with him on Tuesday. Daddy stayed home with him on Wednesday. I dropped him off at daycare Thursday, and all was going well until 2:30. Ethan had had 2 bouts with diarrhea again and needed to be picked up. Also meaning that he could not return to daycare today (Friday). I came home with a pile of work to do, which I have not touched all day. I couldn't seem to find the motivation.

Ethan did not have any problems with diarrhea today, and I did manage to do 3 loads of laundry. He is, however, teething terribly and so he was clingy, cranky, and downright miserable all day. He went to bed super early, and now I am trying to work on the projects I brought home. As you can see, not a whole lot of work getting done!

According to my home scales, I have actually gained a pound this week. Is there anyone out there who has done Weight Watchers who can tell me how someone could eat exactly the same way they have the past 2 weeks (when they've lost weight) and gain a pound?? I am dreading this Sunday's weigh-in, but I am NOT giving up on the WW plan. I know it works, and although I am not sure why I gained this week, I know if I stick with it, the weight will eventually come off.

I am very weary tonight. I feel stress and fatigue right to the core of my bones. It's been a tough week trying to work full-time, take care of a sick child, keep up with the housework and cooking, etc. To top off the week, Joe informed me that he has to work tomorrow morning. Maybe that normally wouldn't be so bad, but it's 7:00 Friday night, and he still is not even home from work yet. I'm so thankful he has a job that supports Ethan and I, but I do wish he was home more often.

Let's end this on an upbeat note...my new washer and dryer will be delivered this Sunday! Can't wait! Sorry to be a bit of a downer tonight. All I need is a good night's sleep and a bit of progress on my 2 projects, and I'll be feeling MUCH better!

Feeling Better

I'm still here. I haven't updated my blog because I've really been so busy just keeping up with life. Since I posted last, Joe and I have survived a bout with a nasty stomach bug, and I have just recuperated from tonsilitis. I am hoping that with Spring right around the corner, we can all manage to stay well for awhile.

I have recommitted to losing weight (AGAIN!). I joined Weight Watchers on Sunday, March 5th. I plan on attending the weekly meeting to keep my spirits up and to get the support that I so greatly need. At my first weigh-in last Sunday, I had lost 2.8 pounds. My goal is to lose 1 pound per week. I'm not sure how I've done so far this week, but I plan on keeping at it and taking one meal at a time. I don't have to perfect all the time, but I do have to keep trying and sticking to the plan as much as possible.

I am less worried about Ethan now than I was. He really seems to be coming out of his shell, and although I think he is still slow to do a lot of things, I know he'll be fine. If he has any speech delays or language development disorders, Joe and I will deal with it and get him the help he needs. Just last night on our way home from daycare, he clapped. I was so tickled that I started laughing which made him do it even more. Of course, he hasn't done it since, but it was so great to see him do it! He also knows how to raise his arms up when I ask "How big is Ethan?" He has waved bye-bye a few times, but it's been pretty random. He is most definitely the type of child who will purposely NOT do something just because you want him to. He is not walking yet. He seems like he wants to, but he just does not have the confidence to take off. He can stand alone and cruise furniture like a pro, but no steps yet. My nephew didn't walk until 14 months, so I am not too concerned that Ethan isn't quite ready yet. Still no talking, but I'm not too concerned about that either since Joe didn't talk until he was 3!

My brother and his family are going to be coming to visit for Easter and I am so excited to see my two nephews again!

Life is back on track, and I am committed to keeping it that way!

Will I Always Worry?

What makes some people worry while others just go with the flow? As you all know (very well!), I am a worrier with a capital "W". Joe is a go-with-the-flow type of guy. Maybe we balance each other out and that's why we get along so well.

I have been concerned with Ethan's lack of development in terms of speaking and using gestures. Some of the things that he does really seem autistic in nature from what I've read in books and on the Internet (I KNOW I should be staying off the Internet!). He had his 1-year check-up yesterday. He now weighs 21 pounds, 8 ounces (25th percentile) and is 31 inches tall (80th percentile). He got three shots (chickenpox, Prevnar, and MMR). Dr. T said that Ethan should be pointing, clapping, and waving bye-bye, and of course, that immediately freaked me out because he doesn't do ANY of those things. He asked if there was a history of any speech delays in the family, and we said yes since Joe didn't talk until he was 3. Dr. T said that if Ethan shows no improvement by his 15-month check-up, he will first send him for a hearing test. If that comes back normal, he will send Ethan to be evaluated. He said the earlier we could get help for him, the better.

I must admit that my mood is crappy today. I find myself analyzing everything that Ethan is doing instead of enjoying him. I find myself ticking off all the quirky things he does and how they could be early signs of autism. How do I get past this? And if he DOES have autism, will I be able to deal with that? Will I be able to give my son the help he needs? What will it mean for the rest of his life? Everyone keeps telling me not to worry...that kids all develop at their own pace and since his daddy was slow, he will probably be slow too. I don't want to kid myself or to bury my head in the sand, but I also don't want to obsess over it like I am doing now. It's not healthy for anyone to do that.

I've completely ruined my diet. I am almost back to where I was back in November. The two weddings are in 2 and 3 months respectively. *Sigh* I have GOT to find a way to get back on track. I had my thyroid checked and it's normal, so I can't blame it on that. Not that I really could anyway when I've been shoveling in cake and pizza and cupcakes, etc.

I never imagined I could worry so much...I never thought I could love so much. This whole motherhood thing is hard sometimes.

To My Son

Dear Ethan Michael,

Today is the day before your 1st birthday. You are crawling around on the floor as I type this wearing your adorable jean overalls and a blue striped onesie. I just moved you away from the buffet table in the dining room because you were opening and closing the doors and banging them repeatedly. All you did was grin at me and move on to the next bit of mischief. At Gram's today, you climbed the entire flight of stairs all by yourself. You now have 4 teeth but no words. I took you to see Dr. Torres yesterday afternoon and he said you had a double ear infection. Luckily, he gave you some medicine and I know you are already starting to feel better.

Your birthday party is tomorrow. Gram and Grampa will be there and so will Nanny and Pop, Aunt Debbie, and Jay and Allie. A few more of Mommy and Daddy's friends are coming to help celebrate too. Auntie Anne and Uncle Mike (and cousins Dylan and Garrett) wanted to come down from Massachusetts, but Uncle Mike had to travel for his job. Daddy and I ordered you a cake and some balloons too, and you have a special shirt to wear so that everyone knows it's your birthday.

Your first year of life has been one full of adjustment, learning, anxiety, worry, laughter, and tears but most of all love. Together, you, me, and Daddy survived countless colicky nights, bouts of severe reflux, a visit to the Emergency Room when you were 3 months old, and many, many colds. The first time you rolled over, Daddy and I were so excited that we just had to share the news and we called Gram and Gramp in Florida to tell them. I remember how proud I was the first time you sat up by yourself and the first time you crawled, the first time you pulled yourself up, and the first time you walked with your walker. Watching you discover the world is a precious gift I've been given.

I know one day (sooner rather than later), you'll turn into a young man and you will be embarrassed of me, and my hugs and kisses will be things you tolerate rather than yearn for. Even then, I hope you always remember how very much you are cherished and loved, how Daddy and my world would not be complete without you in it. We want you to grow up happy and healthy; we want you to choose a career that makes you excited to go to work everyday; we want you to surround yourself with the love of family and friends. We know you'll make mistakes on your journey (as we all do), but learn from those mistakes and let them teach you to become a better person.

Ethan, I love you. Such a simple statement yet filled with more emotion than I could ever begin to describe.

Happy 1st Birthday little guy!

The Last Few Weeks of Babyhood

Today is February 6. That means my baby boy will turn 1 in just 13 days. He will officially be classified as a toddler. What happened to the time? Everyone always told me how quickly Ethan would grow up, but I never believed it. Now I know exactly what they were talking about. In the blink of an eye, his first year is gone. I'm sad but also excited for all the things to come.

Ethan is walking everywhere with his walker (or sometimes his high chair!). He has tried to stand on his own a few times, but he still prefers crawling as his main mode of transportation. I guess it won't be too long before he's walking but I'm in no hurry! He is completely on whole milk now and he is 100% off the bottle. I packed away his bottles and bottle warmer over the weekend. One more reminder that he is no longer a baby. As a first-time Mom, I have to admit that I've been slightly concerned about Ethan's development. First let me say that I know every child develops at his/her own pace and that just because Ethan may not be doing the same things as the other kids in his daycare does not mean that something is wrong.

That said, Ethan is not saying any words at all yet. He does not point, wave bye-bye, or clap his hands. He does babble, saying "ma, ma, ma" and "ba ba ba". I know he understands some of what I am saying to him, especially the word "NO"! I am so completely paranoid that he is going to be autistic. For the first 6-7 months of his life, I was terrified of SIDS...now I've moved on to autism. I plan on bringing up my concerns at Ethan's 1-year checkup on February 20th, but maybe some of you veteran mommies out there can ease my fears and tell me that it's okay that he's not saying words or making any gestures.

I wish that I could be more like my husband. Where I worry myself sick over things, he is easy-going. His attitude is that if there is something wrong with Ethan, we will deal with it and we won't love him any less. While I agree, I can't help obsessing. When I drop Ethan at daycare and pick him up, I watch every move that other children his age make, wondering if Ethan is "normal".

My diet is...well...still the same. I started at 181 in November and I am only down to 175. A lousy 6 pounds. I stopped taking my Zoloft (under doctor's supervision) because I am thinking that it is impeding my weight loss. I have a doctor's appointment next Monday, and I am going to discuss the possibility of starting another medication (like Wellbutrin) that might help with my anxiety as well as weight loss.

Joe's job is about the same. After 2 good weeks with minimal overtime, he had 2 bad weeks with several late nights. He is in a training class this week, so I am hopeful that he will be home at more reasonable times each evening.

I've been doing quite a bit of thinking about the possibility of looking for a new job (I will blog about this another time).

That's it in a nutshell.

On The Mend

Last week is a big blur of doctor's appointments, co-pays, and prescriptions. I took Ethan to the pediatrician last Monday, and they diagnosed him with a moderate ear infection in both ears as well as sinusitis and a terrible cough. Dr. T put him on an antibiotic, Albuterol syrup, and Singulair. I had been feeling sick all weekend with swollen glands and a sore throat as well as a fever. I got myself a doctor's appointment on Tuesday morning and was diagnosed with strep throat. Back to the pharmacy to get a 10-day course of amoxicillin. On Thursday morning, I headed back to Dr. T with Ethan because he was not any better. Dr. T changed his antibiotic and also prescribed him a mild steroid to help with the inflammation in his ears. Back to the pharmacy again for the new medications. At week's end, I had spent $60 on office visit co-pays and $80 on medications. On Friday morning, Joe was getting ready for work and began vomiting. He had come down with a 24-hour stomach bug.

By Saturday morning, Joe was better and I also had my smiling, happy little boy back. Although Ethan is not 100% better, I know that he has turned the corner and that the new medications are working. My antibiotic is working and I am feeling just about normal again. Whew, what a week it was.

My diet, unfortunately, has not been going so well. I ate terribly all weekend long. I would list what I ate, but you all would be appalled! I am trying to get back on track again, even though I feel that my goal of losing 25 pounds by the beginning of May is now unreachable. I think that I should probably change that goal to a more realistic 10 or 15 pounds. I've just had too many slip-ups since Christmas. I need to find a way to exercise and I am finding that nearly impossible. I already get up at 5:30 a.m. I get Ethan up at 6:20 and I leave the house at 7 a.m. to drop him at daycare. I pick him up at 5:00 and arrive home at about 5:20. Feed him dinner and get him to bed at about 7:00. Then it's time for me to make dinner for Joe and I, feed the dogs, etc. I'm not quite sure where I can squeeze in some exercise. Joe suggested that I run up and down the stairs for 15 minutes holding Ethan for extra weight, but I'm so afraid that I would stumble and fall with him in my arms. I do have some walking tapes, and I am determined to try to use them 2-3 times a week to start.

Joe has made a New Year's resolution to keep his overtime hours to a minumum. The decrease in his paycheck will take some getting used to, but he really wants to be around more for both Ethan and I. He did a great job at getting home at a reasonable hour, and he seemed so much more relaxed. If he can keep this up, I know it will do wonders for our relationship.

Don't know if I mentioned this before, but I got a new car a few weeks ago! We traded in Joe's Saturn Ion for a 2006 Subaru Forester for me. We kept our other Saturn for Joe to drive when he needs a car; at the moment, he is driving a company vehicle. Our car payment has gone up, but I am totally in love with my new car!

A Bit Out of Sorts

Ethan is just a month shy of turning 1 year old, and my body is still recovering. I am trying desperately to lose my "baby" weight, which c'mon, we all have to admit is not baby weight a year later. It's fat, plain and simple. I weighed 200 pounds when I came home from the hospital after having Ethan; when I started the South Beach Diet the third week in November, I weighed 181. The day before Christmas, I was down to 172 and I was so proud that my efforts were paying off. After pigging out and totally losing my focus over the holidays, I am now at 175.5, and the scale doesn't seem to be moving. I don't even want to know what all this yo-yo'ing has done to my metabolism, which already seemed to be sluggish because of me having Gestational Diabetes. I am trying to restore my energy and enthusiasm for making the right food choices. I still have my goal of losing 25 pounds by May so that I will look fantastic for the two weddings I am attending. I am thinking about finding a gorgeous dress on the Internet and printing out the picture to post on my refrigerator; it will remind me of my goal and how great I will look if I resist temptation.

This past Saturday night, we went to my parent's house to watch the Patriots' first playoff game (GO PATS!). My Mom made garlic shrimp, rice, and a salad, plus German chocolate pie for dessert. At halftime, out came the chips and salsa. When I got home and into bed, I had a gallbladder attack. It was so painful that I couldn't find a comfortable position in bed. By morning, it had gone away and I ate very carefully all day. I am hoping I don't have another attack and need surgery to remove my gallbladder.

I am sick again, this time with a cough and laryngitis. Ethan is sick again too. Having a child in daycare means being sick ALL the time.

My face is extremely broken out, and I'm expecting AF tomorrow. My body feels so foreign to me. I am envious of those people who have a baby and can fit into their pre-pregnancy jeans in a matter of weeks. I am jealous of those people who have time to exercise. I am definitely jealous of people with flawless skin and fashionable clothes. I am always so pressed for time that I barely look put together.

If anyone has seen my healthy, thinner body, please let it know that it's okay to come home!!!

Money Can't Buy Me Love

Ethan's first Christmas...where do I begin? My brother and his family arrived from Massachusetts on Thursday and settled in with my parents, who live right down the street from us. On Friday evening, Joe and I put Ethan in his pajamas and then went to a state park a few towns over to look at the HUGE displays of lights they had set up. Of course, Ethan slept through the whole thing, but at least we were all together as a family.

We spent Christmas Eve with Joe's parents and his sister and family. They live about an hour away from us, but none of them had seen Ethan since Labor Day weekend. Joe has never really gotten along well with his family nor been all that close to them, but we are civil and usually manage to make the best of the times we do get together. When we began opening gifts, and I realized just how overboard they had gone, I felt a little sad. I know that seems strange to some people, but that is exactly how I felt. Money can't buy their grandson's love. Presents can't make up for the time that they are not spending with him, the smiles they haven't received, the milestones they've missed. I feel like the gifts are all "for show", to make them look like they are the world's greatest grandparents. Don't get me wrong, I know they love Ethan, but I wish they'd show it in other ways rather than in material things. Here is what they gave him:

• A little rack to hang things on for his room, with his name on it
• Shout Elmo
• Happy Ears Eeyore
• Tumble Time Tigger
• Fisher Price Laugh and Learn Puppy
• Chicco Bi-Lingual Talking Farm
• Talking Sponge Bob Square Pants
• So Much To Say Talking Blues Clues
• Pretend CD player with 3 "discs"
• A ball that plays music and says words
• $100 to Target for clothes
• A Tigger playmat (which he is way too big for!)

A few of these toys or just the gift card would have been PLENTY for them to give Ethan for Christmas. I wish I could trade in some of these toys and exchange them for more hands-on grandparents. I know that I need to accept that they are very different from my parents, but it's so hard. My Mom could tell you some of Ethan's quirks or what his different cries mean. My in-laws couldn't even tell me what daycare he goes to or what his favorite food is. I know that I can't change who they are, but it does bother me a bit. Now Joe and I are on the hunt for a nice toy box for all of the above-mentioned items!!!

Before the holiday weekend, I weighed 172. I gained back about 2.5-3 pounds, but I am back on track today. Hopefully it won't take too awfully long to lose those holiday pounds. I'd still like to make my goal of reaching 150 or 155 by the beginning of May.

All in all, it was a wonderful Christmas, and I found myself staring at Ethan countless times, thinking back to last year when we didn't even know if we were having a boy or a girl. Now I can't even begin to imagine life without him. He makes our family complete. He makes me a better person, and he makes me laugh like I've never laughed before. He truly made this Christmas the most magical one yet.

A Bad Start

This week is getting off to a bad start. First, my left ear is still all blocked up, and I am having a hard time hearing out of it. I started antibiotics for a middle ear infection on Friday, but they don't seem to be helping yet.

Second, Ethan is sick AGAIN. He spent the weekend coughing, sneezing, and wiping his snot all over his face. We gave him Little Colds and hoped for the best. He seems a bit better today, so I took him to daycare. I never imagined how many germs one little person could bring home. Something tells me that by the time the winter is over, I will have exhausted every last bit of my vacation time and sick leave.

Third, my weigh-in was a disaster, and I am doubting everything today. I put the scale in the spare bathroom last Tuesday. On Sunday morning, I got it out and it said 173.5. That would be a 1/2-pound loss since last Monday. I got on this morning, since today is, after all, my "official" weigh-in day. It said 175.5, which is a 1.5-pound gain since last Monday. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. When I did this diet several years ago, the weight came off much quicker and easier than it's coming off now. I feel like giving up...like giving in. Why should I fight so hard? I am wondering if the Zoloft I am taking is hindering my weight loss? I had an appointment on Friday with my doctor to discuss the Zoloft and how it is working, etc., but I had to cancel due to snow. It's rescheduled for next Monday. I would really like to try to wean off the Zoloft slowly as I am not one who really likes to take medicines in the first place.

I am frustrated, angry, exasperated, confused, and sad. I am annoyed that I have been faithful to the diet, and the weight is just hanging on. My short-term goal was to lose 10 pounds by Christmas. That goal seems so unattainable right now. My long-term goal is to lose 35 pounds by May or June. That goal just seems laughable.

Fourth, my period is due at the end of this week, and I feel like such a bitch. Lord help Joe if he just looks at me wrong this week. Maybe he's better off working a bunch of overtime!

Fifth, finances have gotten so incredibly tight with Christmas right around the corner. Joe tells me not to worry, that worrying about the money is his job. He assures me that he will have a nice check on the 23rd because of overtime, but I still worry. We have so many things to do to our house and no money to do it. Our dog cracked one of our windows last year, and we still haven't gotten it fixed. It is taped up with clear packing tape. Our carpets look like hell, our back door needs replacing, and oh yeah, we have a $3500 dental bill for all the work Joe needed to have done.

Friday...you're only 4 days away.

The Power of the Scale

How can an inanimate object hold so much power over my emotions? How can a piece of metal dictate my mood for the day? Why do I let it? When I began my weight-loss journey, I promised that I would only get on the scale once a week. I have failed miserably at keeping that promise. Yesterday, I weighed in at 174, a 1-lb. loss from last week. This morning, I hopped on the scale and saw 175.5!!!! What the hell???? How did I gain 1.5 pounds in 1 day?? I ate very healthy all day. Of course, my mood for the day is now completely shot. I begin to doubt the diet and whether it is working. How could I GAIN weight by eating the same way I've been eating to lose weight?

I am going to move the scale into our spare bathroom tonight. That way I don't see it every time I use our bathroom. If I want to weigh myself, I'd have to go get it. Rationally, I know that I shouldn't be weighing myself every day, but I'm afraid not to. I'm afraid that without seeing the number every day, I will actually fall off the wagon. I am afraid of the number I'll see on Monday morning since I've had no daily weigh-ins to give me a good "prediction". I due for AF at the end of next week, so I'm already dreading my next weigh-in.

Losing weight is so very difficult mentally. I think about it constantly. I'm so impatient watching the pounds come off so slowly even though I know it's healthier and that I'll probably keep the weight off longer. I look at my closet and long for the day when some of my old clothes fit. I'm trying to stay positive but it gets tough sometimes. Today is just one of the "tough" days.

Another Weigh-In

I can't believe I haven't blogged since last Monday...where has the time gone? Well, I lost a pound this week. I had hoped to lose a pound and a half, but hey, I'll take any loss at all! My short-term goal was to lose 10 pounds by Christmas. That leaves me about 3 weeks to lose 3 pounds. It sounds reasonable except that I have several upcoming Christmas events that will attempt to sabatoge my efforts. This Wednesday is my book club's Christmas party and gift exchange. On December 21, Ethan's daycare is having "Breakfast with Frosty", and on December 23, my office is having its annual Christmas party and gift exchange. Not to mention Christmas Eve at my in-law's house and Christmas dinner at my Mom's house. I do NOT want to gain back the 7 pounds I have worked so hard to lose. I hope to maintain the loss throughout the holidays.

I am so tired. It was nearly impossible to drag myself out of bed at 5:30 this morning. Joe came down with a nasty cold, and I came down with a not-quite-as-nasty cold. It seems that one of us has been sick since the beginning of October. I have a feeling that it's going to be a looooong winter with a child in daycare. One germ after another.

Starting Weight: 181
Current Weight: 174
Next Weigh-In: Monday, December 12

Weigh-In Day

I lost a whopping 1/2 pound. I know it's better than gaining, but I had hoped to least at least 1 pound. But this is a new week with no holidays to sidetrack me. I'm back at work, Ethan is back at daycare, and hopefully life is back to a normal routine. That will help me stick to the plan much better than last week.

Starting Weight: 181
Current Weight: 175
Next Weigh-In: Monday, December 5th

7 Days of Snot

I am so tired of wiping snot off my clothes, my face, my hands, and every uncovered inch of Ethan's body. He has been on the antibiotic for 6 days now, and I think he is just starting to turn the corner towards feeling better. It's been such a rough week, and I pray that this isn't a prediction of how the entire winter is going to be.

The Thanksgiving buffet was a bit of a disaster. I had one small plate of food, but I got, um, just a wee bit carried away at the dessert table. Okay, if you must know, I had 4 desserts! *sigh* And they were all delicious! I am extremely nervous about tomorrow morning's weigh-in. The one positive thing is that I went right back on the diet after that meal. I did not let it sidetrack me. So if I gained a bit or didn't lose this week, I'm trying to tell myself that it's okay. Holidays are tough for everyone, even if they're not on a diet.

Speaking of food, Joe is on his way home from Outback Steakhouse right now with an early dinner for the two of us since Ethan is napping. Call me weird, but I always get seafood from there. Today I'm having grilled salmon, one of my favorites.

I'll check in tomorrow with the grim weigh-in news!

My Poor Little Man

Ethan is still so very sick, and there's not a whole heck of a lot we can do for him. We are giving him all the meds that the pediatrician prescribed, and we're just waiting for them to do their job. In the meantime, he is miserable. He has so much junk in his chest and throat that he gags when I try to feed him his baby food. He has a hard time breathing when he tries to suck his thumb, and then he gets mad. Joe and I are hoping he feels better tomorrow or else we won't be able to take him out to the restaurant. Then Joe and I will be eating TV dinners for Ethan's first Thanksgiving Day! LOL To make matters worse, after 9 full months of no teeth, his bottom two decide that they must come up while he is sick with a terrible cold. The tops of both of them have just poked through, and that is making him cranky too. I just put him to bed so now I can have some "me" time. Joe stayed home with him all day so I could go to work, so he just ran out to Walmart to get out of the house.

My menu for today:

Breakfast: skim milk and South Beach Diet cereal
Snack: celery with peanut butter
Lunch: Tossed salad with crab cakes on it
Snack: string cheese
Dinner: South Beach Diet frozen dinner (what can I say...I'm lazy tonight!!)
Snack: Sugar-free fudgsicle

I am a little nervous about eating at the restaurant tomorrow since it's a buffet and they will have PLENTY of good stuff. I do have a plan though and I am going to try to stick to it. A little bit of everything that I love, but nothing that I can live without. Do I really need to have a roll or stuffing? No, but I do need to have some mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie. Hopefully, I still see some weight loss at Monday's weigh-in because I still have 25 more pounds to lose!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Catching Up

Sorry to keep everyone in suspense about weigh-in day. Ethan has been so sick with sinusitis that is draining right into his lungs. I am exhausted because he's been so restless at night and coughing off and on. He is now on Amoxicillin, Albuterol, and Singulair for the next 10 days to clear it up and make sure that it doesn't turn into bronchitis or pneumonia. He's been sick before, but never this sick, and it truly breaks my heart to see him like this.

Okay, the scale was at 175.5 yesterday morning. That means I have lost 5.5 pounds in the past 2 weeks. Not as good as the 8 pounds I lost the first time I did the South Beach Diet, but hey, at least the scale is finally moving down again. Joe, Ethan, and I are going out to dinner on Thanksgiving with my parents. My plan is to eat a little bit of everything that I really just have to have. There will be no leftovers once we leave the restaurant, so I am hoping that going off the diet for just one meal will not leave any lasting consequences on the next weigh-in day.

Starting weight: 181
Current weight: 175.5
Next weigh-in: Monday, November 28th

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Ethan had his 9-month checkup yesterday morning. He weighs 19 lbs., 12 ounces, and is 29 and 1/4 inches long. That puts him in the 50th percentile for weight and the 80th percentile for height. I think he is going to be on the scrawny side, just like Joe was as a child. It's hard to believe that at his next appt., he will be a year old! Where in the heck as the time gone??? My baby is so quickly turning into a little boy.

Joe took the day off yesterday so he could go to Ethan's appt. with me, and he was wonderful with Ethan all day. He just held him and rocked him in the chair. I'm usually Ethan's favorite, but when he's sick, he always wants his Daddy. My mother is home with Ethan today, because I really felt that he was still too sick to go to daycare. We'll see how he is tonight and if he can go tomorrow.

I'll try to be better about keeping my blog updated! :)