We Had the Talk

I talked to Joe and told him how I was feeling. I emphasized that I was in no way trying to pressure him into TTC#2 right NOW...just that I thought it would be a good idea to stop taking the BCP a few months before we started actively TTC. He listened very openly, and we discussed all of our fears about having a second child. It was a great conversation! I just started taking a pack of BCP, so I told him to think about it and we would talk about it again when I was just about done with this pack. I do think he'll agree that it's a good idea for me to go off them, but if he doesn't, then I'll have to be okay with it as it is a joint decision. Thanks for all of your advice!!!!

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I had yet another test done yesterday to locate the stubborn kidney stone, which I have since named ROCKY! I had dye put into my body by IV and then had a series of x-rays taken. The test took about an hour total. The radiologist who read the x-rays thinks that the stone is at the juncture of my ureter and the bladder. My urologist should get the report in 2 days and maybe have a better idea if she still thinks the stone will pass or if we need to take more aggressive measures.

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At Monday's Jenny Craig weigh-in, I was down 2 pounds for a total of 10.2 pounds in 5 weeks. I did splurge a bit on lunch yesterday since I hadn't had anything to eat or drink after midnight and I was STARVING! But I am back on track today and hoping for at least another pound gone by next Monday's weigh-in.

Thinking...

I have been thinking a lot lately about TTC Baby#2. Joe and I had agreed to wait until Ethan turned 2, and I still think that is a good plan (for the most part). I really would like to go off the pill now so that my cycles could become regulated before we seriously started TTC. If I happened to get pregnant right away, my due date would be around July or August. Ethan would then be 28 months old. If we wait until Ethan turns 2, I wouldn't have the baby until Ethan was 3 or older (depending on how long it takes to get pregnant).

Joe and I wanted Ethan and Baby #2 to be 2 1/2 to 3 years apart, so my feeling is that I should go off the pill and have a couple months to regulate my cycle. The hard part? Talking to Joe about this! I wish sometimes he could read my blog! LOL

You see, Joe was never one of these men who just couldn't wait to have children. He had a very rough childhood and he never wanted to make any of the mistakes that his parents made. I know he was extremely tentative about fatherhood. He isn't the type who tears up or goes crazy over a newborn baby. Don't get me wrong: he adores Ethan and he loves being his daddy, but I am not sure how he feels about a second child. We've always agreed to have 2 because we feel it's so important for Ethan to have a sibling, but I know he's scared.

I'm scared too. I'm scared that I won't be able to handle 2 small children. I'm scared that we won't be able to handle it financially. I'm scared to gain weight again and have another high-risk pregnancy. I'm scared that our house is too small for 2 children. The list goes on and on. Even though I'm scared, I am also excited about bringing another child into our family and sharing our lives as a family of 4. I am excited to watch Ethan and his little brother/sister play together.

I feel like I don't want to wait 5 months before I even go off the pill. I am 31. Although that's not all that old, I know that pregnancy is harder on your body the older you get. I'd like to avoid having gestational diabetes and high blood pressure and bed rest. I'm trying very hard to lose weight, hoping to be down to a reasonable weight by February.

Any advice for me? Should I suck it up and wait until February to go off the pill since that was the original "plan"? Or should I try to talk to Joe and convince him that I should go off the pill now?

Anyone Want a Kidney Stone?

It seems that 3 weeks after my initial bout of horrible pain, the kidney stone is enjoying the comfort and warmth of my body! I had a follow-up appointment with the urologist today, and she believes that the stone is still there. I feel like I have to pee all the time, and it's so uncomfortable. She assured me (yet again) that the stone will pass on its own. I believed her 2 weeks ago, but now I'm not so sure! If I don't pass it soon, I need to go have an IVP, where they inject dye into you and watch it go through your kidneys and urinary system. This will give the doctor the exact location of the stone. I've had 2 of these tests before, and they are no picnic. So please, let's all pray for the stone's peaceful passing!!

After 4 weeks on Jenny Craig, I am down 8.2 pounds. I feel much better about myself, and my clothes are all fitting much looser.

I am really starting to get the craving to TTC Baby #2. Joe and I agreed to wait until Ethan turned 2, so I won't push things, especially since I am trying to lose a lot more weight before getting pregnant again. Ethan will be 2 in 5 months, so it's really not all that far off. I get so excited when I think about TTC again and bringing another little one into our family.

19 Months Old

To My "Little Man",

You will be 19 months old tomorrow.

19 months...gone in what seems like the blink of an eye. I remember when I was pregnant with you, a friend of mine gave me a pregnancy countdown clock. Every morning, I would look at it and see that I was one day closer to meeting you and holding you. The time seemed to drag on and on as I waited impatiently. Now I long to make time stand still. You have become my little boy, instead of my baby.

I love all of the things you are learning every day. You squeal in delight when you see a school bus. You are learning to climb and to run (especially when you see Gramma coming down the street!). All summer you helped Gramma water her flowers (although I think you ended up being wetter than the flowers!). You love Elmo, Pepper, Grampa, drinking out of straws, balls, playing outside, and being chased. You love your blankie and your blue elephant. You absolutely adore rough-housing with Daddy. You laugh when someone chases you and when you're caught doing something naughty.

You have learned so many words. At 19 months, these are the words you can say:

Momma
Dada
Gramma
Grampa
Pepper
Puppy
More
Juice
Night-Night
Aba (that's what you call your blankie)
I Love you
Thank you
Please
Water
Baby
Bus
Car
Help
No
Yeah
Hello
Bye-Bye
Diaper
Oh-no
Uh-oh
Eeew
Raining
Poop
Wet
Light
Hot
Hat
Eyes
Hot Dog
Bubbles
Roni (for macaroni)
Up
Apple
and probably a few more that I can't think of

Your personality is showing more and more everyday. You now know that you are funny and that you can make people laugh. You get frustrated when something doesn't go your way, but heck, don't we all?? You give kisses and hugs, and you are so good at sharing your Fruit Loops with your friends at daycare.

I can't even begin to explain how lucky I feel to be your Mom. In the past 19 months, you have taught me patience. You have taught me that it's okay for the house to be messy. You've made me laugh until I couldn't breathe. You've brought me such incredible joy, simply by being you.

Happy 19 months Ethan!

Wonderful News!

All of Mom's biopsy results came back benign!!!!!!!!!!! No sign of cancer! They think that one of the spots was a cyst with a fatty center, and the other seems to be a clogged milk duct. She has to go have an ultrasound in March to check on the one spot, just to make sure that it hasn't grown at all. If it's still there, she will probably have it removed to avoid any future problems with mammograms, etc. Needless to say, we are all thrilled and relieved!
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I had my third weigh-in Monday night at Jenny Craig. I was down 1.8 pounds for a total of 6.6 pounds in 3 weeks. I am really doing (surprisingly!) well at sticking with the plan, and my clothes are feeling MUCH better. I still have a long ways to go, but this is a great start.

_________________________

The kidney stone hasn't passed yet (that I know of). I had an x-ray yesterday, and it looked like the stone was in my bladder. I have a follow-up appointment with the urologist next Thursday. She assured me that the stone was small enough to pass on its own.

_________________________

I have a lot more I wanted to post about, but it's getting late so I'll save it for another day!

More OUCH!

I still have not passed the kidney stone. I have been having intermittent pain since last Wednesday. Ibuprofen seems to help most of the time, but last night I had to take a Percocet. I have an appointment tomorrow with a urologist; I have no idea what the next step is. I am not sure if they will still wait it out, hoping the stone will pass on its own or whether they will want to do another CT scan to see what's going on.

My mother is currently undergoing an aspiration biopsy on her left breast. Once the procedure is done, she will immediately have a mammogram to see if the areas of concern have changed at all. If the spots are still there, she will be scheduled for a more invasive biopsy. I should know more tonight about what's going on.

Our trip to New England went well, despite my kidney issues. We enjoyed spending time with my friends Ashley and Mike and their daughter Lindsay, who is 3 months older than Ethan. My nephew's 1st birthday party was a big hit, and my extended family loved Ethan and seeing how much he has changed.

I had my 2nd weigh-in at Jenny Craig on Monday evening, and I am down another 1.2 pounds for a total of 4.8 pounds. I am incredibly proud of myself for sticking with the plan while I was away and for resisting all the temptations of the birthday party.

I'll update later when I hear from my Mom.

OUCH!

I had my first experience with a kidney stone when I was 16 years old. It was one that I prayed I would never have to go through again. My mom took me to the ER where they put dye in my kidneys and immediately diagnosed the problem. I passed the stone and life went on as normal.

Fast forward a few years to my freshman year in college. In the middle of a math class, I started having severe pain and cold, clammy sweats. I left class and ran to throw up. Turns out I had another kidney stone.

13 years later...and here we are again. I woke up about 2 a.m. with some cramping and back pain. I took an Ibuprofen and went back to sleep. This morning, I still wasn't feeling quite "right" but I headed off to work as usual. After being at work for a bit, the pain came back and I kept getting the cold sweats. A few times I felt like I was going to pass out, and then I ended up vomiting twice. My Mom came and got me and we went to the Urgent Care facility. My urine culture showed blood, so they sent me to the hospital for a CT of my kidneys. Sure enough, there is a 3mm stone stuck in my left ureter! Some urine is backing up into the kidney. They assured me that it would pass on its own, but in the meantime, I am on an antibiotic to prevent any infection, and I have some Percocet if I have another "attack". I am supposed to follow up with a urologist when I come back from Massachusetts.

Having Ethan was easier than having a kidney stone!

______________________

Mom had her consultation with the breast surgeon yesterday. He did a VERY thorough breast exam and he could not feel anything. However, since the mammogram and ultrasound both showed something was indeed there, she is scheduled for a biopsy next Wednesday. He did say though that in "his opinion", he did not think they were looking at a malignancy. We are all holding onto that hope, and we hope the biopsy is negative. Please continue to keep her in your prayers.

_____________________

I think I have lost 1/2 pound since weigh-in on Monday, but I'm not totally sure. I hope that I don't slip up too much while I'm away this weekend. To answer Sabrina's question, Jenny Craig costs me about $100 per week, but that is all my meals and snacks. We have cut back on how much we order takeout or eat out, so I think we'll break even. Right now, I have to do what I have to do in order to lose this weight!

______________________

Have a great Labor Day weekend everyone!

A Step in the Right Direction

I had my first Jenny Craig weigh-in, and I am down 3.6 pounds! I am finding it fairly easy to stick to the plan, and the food is actually really good! We are going away this weekend for my nephew's birthday party, so I am nervous about how I am going to handle the diet while on "vacation". I just need to keep a positive outlook and remember WHY I am spending all this money and working so hard!

My Mom had to reschedule her consult with the breast surgeon to today at 2 p.m. My Dad took the day off to go with her. After today, she'll probably have a date for the biopsy. She is still hanging in there and keeping a positive attitude.

I think Ethan has entered the terrible two's early!!! I was reading in "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" that 18-24 months is actually a very rough time. Ethan is constantly testing J and I and doing things he knows he shouldn't. We're firm and consistent, which seems to be working (for now!).

Had another counseling session yesterday. We have a long way to go, but the sessions are so eye-opening and helpful in seeing each other's point-of-view. I know only good things can come out of the counseling.

Back to work....

Life

No news to report on my Mom as her consultation is this Thursday. I want to thank all of you for your prayers and for your encouraging comments left here. It helps to know that there are others out there who know breast cancer survivors and success stories.

_______________

I joined Jenny Craig yesterday, so I had to laugh when I saw Sheri's blog entry about her "before Jenny" photo! I had mine taken yesterday and it was NOT a pretty sight. I need to have some structure in order to lose this weight, and I have little to no time to prepare meals, so Jenny Craig seemed like a good, albeit expensive, option. I am going to try it for 6 weeks and see how the plan fits with my schedule and my budget. I hope to be down about 12 pounds at the end of those 6 weeks. My goal is to lose 30 pounds. Not only am I unhappy with my appearance and the effect it is having on my self-confidence, I need to lose this weight before TTC Baby #2. I had GD with Ethan, and I was told that I will most likely have GD with any subsequent pregnancies. If I am at a healthy weight and eating a healthy diet when I get pregnant, I am hoping that I can avoid the GD and the 55+ pounds I gained with Ethan.

I am excited about this, but also scared of failure. I have lost and regained so much weight over the years that starting something new and putting your faith in the plan and yourself is tougher and tougher each time. Each time you fail, you fall a little farther and feel even more like a loser. I am trying to take one meal at a time.

______________________

J and I have had our 4th counseling session. We have lots of work ahead of us, but we are both discovering things about ourselves that we didn't necessarily acknowledge before. As long as we can afford it, we will continue to work on our relationship with the counselor and hopefully put some of our issues to rest for good.

________________

I started taking the Zoloft again as of last Friday. It's too soon to see a difference, but I am hoping it can help me gain control of my worry and horrible anxiety. I go back in a few weeks for a follow-up appointment...will keep you posted.

_______________________

Ethan is fabulous! He is my shining star! He just turned 18 months and his personality is emerging more and more every day. I think J and I have a comedian on our hands and a real "ham"! Every day, I discover more joys of motherhood.

That's it in a nutshell!

Small Update

My Mom has an appointment next Thursday with a breast surgeon to discuss how the breast will be biopsied. According to the copy of the ultrasound report she received, there are 2 areas of concern, both in the left breast. She has lots of questions for the breast surgeon based on what the report says. She is handling all of this remarkably well, and she is determined to absorb one step at a time before moving on to the next. She refuses to look ahead or to think long-term because it is just too scary and overwhelming. My aunt told her that the only way she got through two bouts with breast cancer was to take one step at a time, so that's what she is doing.

It will probably be a few weeks before we know the results of her biopsy and what treatment is next. In the meantime, we are all trying to stay positive and focus on the here and now. Please continue to keep her in your prayers.

Worry of a Different Kind

Mom just e-mailed me and told me that her mammogram yesterday was abnormal in the left breast. The film picked up something behind the nipple, and they sent her for an ultrasound. The ultrasound does show something there that needs further testing.

Her primary care physician should receive the ultrasound report no later than this Thursday morning. Then she will know what additional testing she will need to undergo. She will most likely have a biopsy to find out if it is breast cancer.

*Deep Breath*

My aunt (my mom's sister) has had breast cancer twice: first diagnosis was at the age of 44. At that time, she had a lumpectomy and radiation. The cancer reoccurred in the other breast when she was 52. This time, she opted for a double masectomy with breast reconstruction surgery. She has been cancer free for 3 years now.

I know that breast cancer is not a death sentence. My Mom has been very vigilant about having her yearly mammograms, especially because of her sister's diagnosis. She has always been terrified that she will be next. I am so scared for her, and for me too. If she has breast cancer, then my chances of eventually getting breast cancer are increased.

Please pray that my Mom's tests show that whatever is behind the nipple is harmless. If it isn't, please pray that she will have the strength and support she needs to endure whatever treatment is deemed necessary.

An Angel

Dylan James Manning received his wings yesterday, August 2. He is finally at peace and doing all the things he was unable to do here on Earth. Please pray for his family during this difficult time, that they may receive strength and healing from the Lord.

I've never met you in person, Dylan, but I feel like I know you, from everything I've heard about you from Lisa, Lacie's Mom. You fought an incredible fight, but now it's your time to run and play with all of the Tay-Sachs angels who have been called home before you.

JUST BELIEVE
http://www.djsfoundation.org/intro.htm

Sick Again

Yup, my little boy is sick again. Last week, he came down with a cold. After a few days, he seemed to be having a bit of trouble breathing, so I took him to the pediatrician. He was diagnosed with an ear infection, sinusitis, and croup and put on an antibiotic as well as a steroid to help open up his airways. Today marks a week on the medications, and he really isn't much better. To top it off, Sunday night and last night, he threw up in his crib sometime during the night. Boy does that make for a nice surprise for Mommy in the morning! I think that he probably has so much post-nasal drip and congestion that it's making him feel sick.

I called the pediatrician back today and told him that Ethan really wasn't much better after a week on the antibiotic. He still has very thick, yellow snot and a terrible cough. The doctor is calling in a different antibiotic that he is to take for 2 more weeks. So 3 weeks on medicines...poor kid. Everyone (family, co-workers, friends) keeps reassuring me that the first 2 years in daycare are horrible and that once Ethan starts school, he will be sick much less often because he'll be immune to so much. I HOPE so! I feel like my little guy is always sick!

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I am on Day 2 of eating healthier and exercising. I spend yesterday's and today's 30-minute lunch break walking on the treadmill and reading a book. I have kept my calories low and my meals and snacks healthy. When I think about long-term, I get discouraged, so I am trying to think "one day at a time, one meal at a time".

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Joe and I had our second counseling session yesterday. It went well, but we have a lot of work to do to truly get back the closeness that we both want. I am confident that we can do it though.

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Money is still tight and my skin is still bad. Hey, you can't win 'em all, right?

Beware of the Pity Party

If you're not into other people's pity parties, I suggest you stop reading now. This post is going to be a doozy. I am not sure where to begin. It's Sunday night about 11 p.m. I should be in bed fast asleep because the alarm seems to ring even louder than usual on Mondays at 5:45 a.m. Instead I'm a sobbing mess, thinking about the person I've become and wondering how I got here.

Growing up, I was always a planner, but never a compulsive worrier. Since giving birth to Ethan, I find myself living a life full of worry, anxiety, and fear. If I have a pain in my pelvic area, I just "know" that I have ovarian cancer. If I have a pain in my breast (as I do at the moment, and it's probably just related to my cycle), I have diagnosed myself with breast cancer. If I hear sirens and Joe is running errands, I hold my breath until I hear his voice on the cell phone. I worry from the time I wake up to the time I finally fall asleep at night. Back in October, I saw my primary care doctor and we discussed this. I went on Zoloft for about 3 months and then (stupidly) decided I didn't need it anymore because I was feeling better. What did I THINK was making me feel better in the first place??

These irrational feelings, while seeming incredibly real to me, have been causing some problems with my marriage, coupled with some other issues dating back many years. Joe and I are now seeing a counselor to try to figure out how to solve some of these problems. I love Joe more than anything. He is an amazingly caring person and the support he gives me is so unconditional. However, I can only imagine how difficult it is living with a woman who is constantly bringing him down with her fears and anxiety about everything in life. I truly am sucking the life out of our marriage. All I want is to feel "whole" again...to wake up in the morning and feel like I can breathe, to feel like there isn't an enormous burden sitting on me and pushing me down.

On top of the anxiety and fear are my feelings about my weight. I have ALWAYS had issues about my weight, ever since I was very young. In middle and high school, I was on the swim team and worked out constantly, so I was about 125 at 5'4". Even then, I thought I was chunky compared to many of my friends. In college, I gained more than the Freshman Fifteen, and so I weighed about 150 when I got married in 1997. I fluctuated throughout the first 5-6 years of my marriage between 140 and 170. I would try a new diet and lose weight. Joe was stationed in Korea for a year, leaving me in Maryland alone, and I would lose weight. I'd have an event I needed to look good for, and I'd lose some weight. When I got pregnant with Ethan, I was about 165. I gained 55 pounds with him, mostly (I feel) because I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes. The lowest I've been able to get down to since having Ethan (17 MONTHS AGO!) is 168. I am currently at 175 after having 2 weeks of bingeing and eating everything I felt like. I begin a new "plan" tomorrow, one that includes calorie counting and walking the treadmill for 25 minutes during my lunch hour. I am hopeful that I can soon get down to 165 again, with my ultimate goal being 150.

I highly doubt that Joe is attracted to me the same way he was 10 years ago. Does he love me? I'm sure of it. But I want to be the woman he married again. I want to feel like ME again. I want to love myself again, because how can HE love me if I don't love me? I can only hope and pray that he has the patience to stick this out with me while I figure it all out. Some days, I feel like a shadow of myself, like the old Laura is gone and the new me is someone I just don't like. I am praying that getting my eating under control, exercising, and seeing the counselor will pave the way for finding the "real" me.

I have always had bad skin...something I've been forever embarrassed about. I've probably tried every single concealer on the market. I found Proactiv and it has worked pretty well. Thing is, I have gotten lazy about using it and now my face is a MESS. Just another thing making me feel ugly. I know how to fix it, but I also know it won't happen overnight. Why are the most rewarding things also the hardest to stick with?

Money is tight lately. Joe and I both work full time because we simply need the money. We are by no means struggling, but things have gotten tight lately, and we've had to dip into our savings account. We need to sit down and figure out where the extra spending is taking place and how we can cut it. Again, just another thing making me feel so out of control.

As I sit here and I read over this post, I am ashamed. I am ashamed that I spent 20 minutes writing about my "pathetic" life when there are others in the world clinging to any shred of hope that their loved one will pull through whatever hardship they are facing. As I sit here typing, I think about my friend Lisa who lost her 18-month old daughter to Tay Sachs disease. What would she give to have "anxiety" issues or a weight problem? My neighbor passed away today, after losing her husband in January. And yet I complain about money, bad skin, such trivial things.

Before I came downstairs to write this post, I stood beside Ethan's crib for 10 minutes, tears rolling down my face. He is the most perfect thing I've ever done in my entire life. Looking at him takes my breath away. This little person, who is now learning to talk (and hit and bite!) is incredible proof that somewhere along the way, I have done something so very right. And no matter what it takes, I promise him that his mommy is going to get healthy, both physically and mentally. He deserves that and so much more.

I've Been Tagged

Thanks Deanne for tagging me!

5 things in my refrigerator:
1. Hot dogs (Ethan loves 'em!)
2. Leftover pasta salad
3. 2 cottage cheese doubles
4. Yo-Baby yogurt
5. Sugar-free Jello pudding

5 things in my closet:
1. Purses
2. A clothes-drying rack
3. Games (Taboo, Trivial Pursuit, etc.)
4. An old camera case
5. 2 laundry hampers

5 things in my purse:
1. Small address book
2. Calculator
3. An Epi-pen (I'm allergic to bees)
4. Tic Tacs
5. A mini hairbrush

5 things in my car:
1. Ethan's blankie (it goes EVERYWHERE!)
2. CDs
3. A set of "pretend" car keys for Ethan
4. Stroller
5. Sunglasses

There's no one left to tag! LOL

Shame on Me

I cannot believe that I haven't updated my blog in more than a month! The days seem to go by in a blur, and I am shocked to look at the calendar and see that it's July 11th! I definitely needed to get on here and record some of Ethan's milestones since I've been terrible about updating his baby book.

Ethan has changed so much since his 1st birthday on February 19th. At that point, I was a bit concerned because he wasn't pointing or waving or clapping his hands. He wasn't talking or even walking at that point. Boy have things changed! He is just about running all over the place now, and he "talks" non-stop! As of today, he can say:

Mama
Dada
Pepper (1 of our dogs)
Ampa (Grampa)
All Done
No (gotta love this one!)
Nana (banana)
Bubbles
Elmo (now he calls everyone Elmo!)
Boo-boo (mommy has one on her toe)
Stuck
Up
More
Ball
Ba-Ba (his blankie)
Ma (seems to be what he calls milk or juice)
Hot
Hat

His goofy personality is really starting to show. I took him to Dairy Queen for an ice cream and everytime he took a bite, he would scrunch up his face and pretend to "shiver". He tries all the time to sit on our dogs, and he just laughs when he does it. He also has a mind of his own and now has tantrums all the time when he doesn't get his way. I think the terrible two's start earlier than two! LOL Daddy took Ethan to the barber for his first "big-boy" haircut, and he looks so grown-up now. Sometimes I think about TTC baby #2 earlier than our original plan, but I know that Joe would NEVER go for it. I guess we'll be sticking with our plan of trying for #2 when Ethan turns 2. I would like for Ethan to be potty-trained before we have another baby in the house. It will be easier on me with less diapers to change and also much less expensive. I will work on potty-training Ethan between 2 and 3, probably while I'm pregnant.

I have been having a hard time mentally lately. Most of you remember that I joined WW back in March with my Mom. I had only lost about 7 pounds. For some reason, ever since I gave birth to Ethan, my body does not want to shed any weight. I have had my thyroid checked and that was normal so I am not sure what the heck is going on. I have had people tell me that gestational diabetes really messes with your metabolism so maybe that's the problem. I went away for July 4th weekend and I totally fell off the wagon and gained back a bit of the weight. I REALLY, REALLY need to lose about 25 to 30 pounds, and I need to lose it before getting pregnant with baby #2. For those of you who have lost weight, where do you find the motivation? The willpower? The time to exercise???

I'm honestly not trying to make excuses but here is what a typical day looks like for me...

5:45 a.m. Wake up
6:30 a.m. Wake Ethan up
7:00 a.m. Leave for work or daycare depending on who drops Ethan off
7:00-4:30 At work
4:30 Leave work
5:00 Arrive at daycare to get Ethan
5:15 Arrive home
5:30-5:45 Feed Ethan dinner
5:45-6:25 Play with Ethan and try to feed the dogs and clean up Ethan's dinner mess
6:25-6:45 Give Ethan a bath
7:00 Put Ethan to bed
7:00-7:30 Fix myself something for dinner, check mail
7:30-7:45 Clean up dinner, make lunch for following day

Where do I find time to exercise??? I have tried getting up at 5 a.m. to exercise before work and I just can't do it. Most nights, Joe doesn't get home until Ethan is already in bed. If I didn't need to pick Ethan up every day, I could stay after work and walk the treadmill for 30 minutes or so before heading home. But Joe's job is so unreliable and I NEVER know from day to day what time he might be coming home. I usually don't even get a phone call to let me know he's on his way home until at least 5:30 or 6:00. Any suggestions would be soooo appreciated! I am truly feeling miserable at the weight I am at (dare I admit that I am 5'4" and weigh 172 pounds?).

I went through some old clothes last night because we are having a yard sale soon. I found a bunch of summer clothes that I had "planned" to wear this summer since I had (stupidly) believed that I would have lost all my baby weight. I feel trapped in this body because of my schedule. I feel like a slave to the daily grind. My house is never clean because I just don't have the time to clean it. I'm lucky to keep up with laundry during the week so I don't have a massive pile on the weekends.

Can anyone help me organize my life???? LOL

The World of a Grownup

When did you first look around and realize that you had really, truly become a grownup? Was it when you graduated college and got your first apartment? Was it when you got married? Was it when you got your first "real" job, or when you had your first child? I'm not sure that I have ever felt truly grown up (even though I am 3 months shy of 31!) until last night. Joe and I spent 90 minutes discussing Certificates of Deposit, life insurance, and wills.

We came up with an "action" list of things we need to accomplish within the next few months:

1. Buy several Certificates of Deposit. We have a savings account that is earning a pitiful amount of interest. At the end of each year, we marvel at how we can both eat at McDonald's with the interest we've earned! So, we took most of the money out and invested it into two CDs with an 8-month term and an interest rate of 5%. At the end of the 8 months, we will reinvest it into another CD.

2. Joe has a life insurance policy through his job, but it is only payable upon death. I have one through my company as well, although it is a small one. In addition, I have a whole life insurance policy. We need to look into getting Joe and I both some term life insurance. We would also like a small policy for Ethan.

3. We do not have a will. Nor do we have a guardian named for Ethan. This bothers me because no one knows what tomorrow will bring, and Ethan is the most important thing in the entire world to Joe and I. We need to make absolutely certain that he will be loved and well cared for if something happens to us. We have decided to name my brother and his wife as his legal guardian, but it has not been put into writing.

Being a grownup is hard work. It means constantly thinking about what's best for your child and his/her future. Sometimes I look around and I am in awe of all that I have accomplished since graduating from college in 1996: I have been married for 10 years and have an incredible son. I own my own home and drive nice cars. I have a bit (although not a lot!) of money in the bank and a wonderful family! When I look around, I am amazed at how truly grown up I am. What happened? Why didn't I see it before? Is it because I'm just so young at heart?

I think about the fact that I am almost 31, and I get nervous about having another baby. Will I be able to get pregnant as easily as the first time? After all, we aren't planning on trying until Ethan is 2. Will I have more health problems getting pregnant at 31? Will the baby? I am leaving that all in God's hand for I have no other choice. Life is gamble, and part of being a grownup is being able to take that risk and accept the outcome.

Being a grownup is tough, but it means I get to experience all of the wonders of the world through my child's eyes. I wouldn't trade that for anything.

Has it really been this long?

I knew that it had been quite some time since I updated my blog, but I didn't realize it had been over a month! I have been so busy just keeping up with life these days. I'm not even sure quite where to start...

Ethan: He is doing GREAT! He had his 15-month checkup this past Tuesday, and he now weighs 22 pounds, 14 ounces and is 31 and 1/4 inches long. That puts him in the 30th percentile for weight and the 60th for height. He got three shots and took them like a champ! The nurse said he his hitting all of his milestones and wasn't concerned that he isn't saying very much. I know he's fine and that he'll talk up a storm when he's good and ready.

We've discovered that he has a peanut allergy. A few weeks ago, I gave him a bit of natural peanut butter on an English muffin. About 10 minutes later, he had 2 small hives on his upper lip, and his chin was broken out. The pediatrician said that Ethan can't have peanuts or peanut oil at all, and he gave us a prescription for 2 Epi-pen Jrs., one for home and one for daycare. There is only a 30% chance that he'll grow out of it as he gets older. I was upset about it because I know that it can be a difficult and dangerous allergy, but I am feeling better about it now. We'll handle this as a family, and it will get easier as Ethan gets older and knows what he needs to stay away from.

Ethan has been learning a lot of new things lately. He has started dancing and I think this child is going to be the next Taylor Hicks with his jerky, wacky dance moves! (Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Taylor Hicks, but his dancing leaves a lot to be desired!) Ethan learned "Uh-oh" and now he throws EVERYTHING on the floor just so he can say it. Of course, it's accompanied by a big grin. He also is trying to say "All done" and "Grampa". I am amazed every single day when I look at him. I am such a lucky woman and I never want to take that for granted.

ME: I am still doing Weight Watchers with my Mom, but things aren't going as well as I hoped they would. I lost 6 and 1/2 pounds pretty quickly, but I have been stalled for about a month now. No loss, but at least no gain. I know that I need to exercise, but I have NO time at all to squeeze it in. I need to buckle down and start keeping better track of my points. I'm glad I haven't gained, but I want to lose 20 more pounds before getting pregnant again next year, so I need to get my butt in gear!

I had a job interview this past Tuesday. A neighbor of mine told me about an opening at her company for an Administrative Assistant III for a department of about 45 people. I am content where I am but very bored and unchallenged, so I figured I might as well submit my resume. The interview went well, but the very top of the salary for the position is still $3,000 less than what I am currently making as an editor. They were supposed to let me know by the end of the week if they had made a decision, but I didn't hear anything today. I have talked it over with Joe and decided that I most likely wouldn't accept an offer anyway. I have incredible flexibility where I work now, and I would be hard-pressed to find that anywhere else. Because Joe works more than an hour from home and is often unreachable by phone, I need to be the parent with the flexible schedule, the one who can drop everything and pick up Ethan at daycare if he is sick.
I would still like to make a career move one day, but staying where I am is the best choice for our family right now.

This week has been a tough one for all of us because Joe has worked some crazy hours because of a big, high-profile project. I have felt a bit overwhelmed by working full-time and taking care of the house, 2 dogs, and Ethan. Hopefully, Joe will be around this weekend and we can all have some quality family time.

Mother's Day was wonderful and so different from last year when Ethan was just 3 months old. Ethan and Joe both gave me cards, and then we went out to lunch with my Mom and Dad. When Ethan got down from the high chair, it quickly became evident that Daddy had put his shoes on the wrong feet! LOL I got a sterling silver Tiffany necklace to match the bracelet that I got for Christmas, and Joe told me I could get a new Mommy Bag/Diaper Bag. I went today during my lunch hour and picked out a cute, red Vera Bradley carry-all bag.

My dad works for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation, and all of us are doing the Great Strides walk this Sunday. It should be a fun day, and we're hoping for nice weather.

I hope now that I've caught up on my blog, I can post more often. Sometimes I feel like I don't have much to say, but I have to remember that this blog is really my journal.

Be back soon (I hope!)

Unusually Unusual

Thanks Rhonda!
So, I have been tagged. So here we go! Six things that are weird/strange/unusual about me...

1) I love the smell of gasoline. I love going to fill up and smelling the gas fumes coming out of the pump.

2) I like John Denver's music. *blushes* Yup, I do. My husband will NEVER let me live this one down. He makes fun of me all the time for it, but I know all the words to "Follow Me", "Country Roads", "Grandma's Featherbed", etc. I even saw him in concert when I was small (my parents like him too!)

3) I never stand at the sink when I am brushing my teeth. I walk around and do other things at the same time! I'll brush my teeth with one hand while putting away clothes or something with the other.

4) I cannot stand for a wet shower curtain or liner to touch me when I'm in the shower. It simply grosses me out!

5) I enjoy watching QVC. I've never ordered anything, but man, can I get all caught up in "Today's Special Value"!

6) Just like Rhonda, I hate beer. I absolutely cannot stand any kind of beer at all.

Everyone I know has been tagged already, so I'll just look forward to reading about everyone else's quirks!

Mommy Guilt

Any other first-time Moms out there suffering from Mommy guilt? I seem to suffer from this almost every waking moment of my day. The guilt begins at 6:30 a.m. when I have to wake a precious bundle of sleep from his crib so that I can dress him and give him some cheerios before rushing out the door at 6:55 a.m.

Guilt trip #2: I kiss Ethan goodbye and turn for the door knowing that I have already stayed 10 minutes too long. I see him watch me leave, and my heart still feels heavy, even after doing the same routine for the past 11 months.

Guilt trip #3: I am 7 minutes late picking Ethan up because of an accident on the highway. My fault? Nope, but the guilt is still there. Will Ethan know the difference between 5 p.m. and 5:07 p.m.? Nope, but I do, and the guilt threatens to swallow me up.

Guilt trip #4: I walk into daycare and see Ethan playing with some toys. He looks up at me, grins, and immediately begins to fuss until I rush over and pick him up for a hug. This is the absolute best part of my day, but again, the guilt rushes in because I realize how much he's missed me.

Guilt trip #5: The weekend rolls around, and I need to shop for a dress for a wedding that's in 5 weeks. Daddy is more than willing to take care of Ethan, but the Mommy guilt insists that Ethan will know that I am not around and miss me. The Mommy guilt overtakes me as I am trying on dresses and I start to rush so that I can get home as soon as possible.

There are so many more cases of Mommy Guilt in my day-to-day life. I know, on an intellectual level, that my mother or Joe is more than capable of taking care of Ethan. And I know that Ethan absolutely loves both his daddy and his gramma. Then what's the problem? I've asked myself this same question countless times. As a Mom who works full-time outside the home, I get very little time during the week to spend with my son. Therefore, I feel like I need to be with him every minute as if to make up for lost time. I don't want to miss any more belly laughs, first steps, and smiles than I already do.

I need to work right now. At some point, Joe and I hope that things will be different. I know that we are making the best decisions for our family. I know that Ethan loves his teachers at daycare, and he loves his friends. He gets to play outside and fingerpaint and sing songs and read. Most days, I am okay with that. Is it the ideal situation? No, but it's the one that works right now. Some days, like today, I dread the coming week and the time I will never get back with Ethan. I try to make each second count when we do spend time together, but the Mommy Guilt is always there, right underneath the surface, just waiting to emerge.