Moving Right Along

Last night was weigh-in, and I was down another 1.8 pounds. That brings my total loss to 15.2 pounds in 9 weeks. I am feeling so much better both mentally and physically, and I know that losing the weight will make my next pregnancy easier on my body. I feel so much more confident and full of energy that I just didn't have before. Shopping is enjoyable again, and now there are more things in my closet that are too big rather than too tight.

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Joe and I are still attending weekly counseling sessions, and they seem to be helping tremendously with the way we are communicating with one another. We are going to continue with counseling until the end of the year, and then re-evaluate with our counselor where we are and if we need to continue further.

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Ethan is doing GREAT! He has had some cranky days recently because all 4 molars are breaking through at once. He is becoming a little comedian. On Saturday, my parents, Joe, Ethan, and I were all eating lunch at a restaurant. I told Ethan "You haven't even touched your sandwich". He looked up at me and then reached out and touched the top of his sandwich with the tip of his index finger! Little smartass! We all just started laughing so hard.

He is learning more and more words all the time. He still hasn't combined words into any kind of sentence, but he now repeats so much of what he hears. I took him to a craft show over the weekend and as we were walking around, he was saying "Beep Beep" to anyone who got in his way. I find it hard to believe that in just a few months, he will be 2. He is my ray of sunshine on even the darkest days, and I just love him to death.

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I am so anxious to TTC again. Lately, I seem to be thinking about it all the time. As much as I want another child, I am so afraid that I won't have enough love or attention for 2 children. Could I love another child as much as I love Ethan? I know these worries are normal, but they are still niggling in the back of my mind.

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Feeling Blue

I am feeling so down this week, mostly due to PMS. My Mom forwarded me an e-mail from her friend, G. I was best friends with G's daughter in high school and part of college. We lost touch, but my parents have remained friendly with her parents. Anyway, she had a little boy in August of 2004, and the e-mail said that she was pregnant again. I should be happy, right? WRONG! Instead, I am so jealous! A year ago, I would have been completely thrilled that it wasn't ME that was pregnant, and now I am WISHING it was me.

I know that it (hopefully) won't be long before I am pregnant again. I am done with the pills and waiting for AF. I know I won't be able to talk Joe into TTC seriously before February, but maybe we'll get lucky and it will just "happen". I doubt it, but you never know. My sex drive is usually much higher when I'm not on the pill, so our sex life should change a bit from how it's been lately.

This month's PMS has been so tough. I've had bad headaches and terrible mood swings. YUCK! It will be interesting to see how long it takes for my cycles to regulate. I was pretty regular coming off the pill when we were TTC Ethan, so I am hoping for the best.

I'll be back when I have some more positive things to share!

Super Quick Update

• Lost .8 this week. A bit disappointed, but a loss is still a loss. Total loss is now 13.4 pounds.
• Ethan is better. I don't think he had Hand, Foot, and Mouth since he never got any blisters.
• Joe was in a car accident on Friday morning in our Saturn...$2,000 worth of damage. The car is going in to be fixed on the 23rd. Joe, thank God, was not hurt.
• No more BCP for me! I am due to get AF sometime this week, and then I will begin monitoring my cycles in the hopes of getting pregnant soon. I hope it just "happens" between now and February (when we decided to really TTC).
• I am participating in a memorial walk this Saturday for Lacie, my co-worker's daughter who passed away from Tay-Sachs disease at just 18 months. It will be 1 year on October 23rd since she became an angel. You can read her story at www.geocities.com/ourprincesslacie.
• Gotta run!

Good News and Bad News, Part II

First the bad news...Daycare called and Ethan was running a fever of 102.3. Three children in his classroom have been confirmed to have Hand, Foot, and Mouth. He can't go back to daycare until he is fever-free for 24 hours so that would be tomorrow at noon at the very earliest. I work on a government contract, which just changed hands on October 1, meaning I have no paid time off for the first 3 months (until I accrue it). I will either have to find a way to make up my time or take leave without pay. Ethan is sleeping right now after a dose of Motrin.

The good news...I passed the kidney stone (at least part of it!!). I haven't been straining my urine because I'm all out of strainers. Who knew I'd be straining urine for 6 freakin' weeks??? When I got home with Ethan, I went to the bathroom. Awhile later, I went again, and there was a little hard stone caught down there. Not sure if it's all of it or a part of it. I already am feeling less pain and pressure down there, so I'm hoping that was all of it!!!!!!!!

Good News and Bad News

Okay, the bad news first...I am so horribly miserable from this kidney stone!!! I feel like I have to pee ALL the time, and I am getting twinges of pain off and on most of the day. My urologist appointment is tomorrow morning, and I am PRAYING that she doesn't tell me that we should still "wait it out". The damn thing has been causing me problems for 6 weeks now...I highly doubt it's going to come out all of a sudden.

On to the good news...at last night's weigh-in, I was down 3 pounds! That means I am down another 2.5 pounds after figuring in last week's 1/2-pound gain. My total loss for the last 7 weeks is 12.6 pounds!! YAY ME!!!!!!!!

More good news: On Sunday night, Joe said that he agrees that getting rid of my BCP is a good idea. I have 5 more pills in this pack and then I will stop. We agreed that for the next several months, we will not be actively TTC but we will not be preventing. If I get pregnant, I get pregnant. If not, we will TTC more aggressively once Ethan turns 2. I am happy that he brought the subject up without any prodding from me. I am happy that he truly gave it some thought and made the decision without pressure on my part. And, of course, I am happy that we will be TTC soon! I hope I can continue to lose some weight during our "not trying, but not preventing" months!

Bummed Out

So at my weigh-in last night, I discovered I had gained 1/2 pound. If I knew why, I probably wouldn't be upset but I just can't figure it out. I know it's only 1/2 pound, but it feels like a setback. I know I need to just move on and continue following the plan, but man, do I feel depressed about it!!!

My kidney stone is STILL there...I'm beginning to think it's settling in for the winter! LOL I'm having pain off and on, some days worse than others.

That's all the update I have time for right now!!

We Had the Talk

I talked to Joe and told him how I was feeling. I emphasized that I was in no way trying to pressure him into TTC#2 right NOW...just that I thought it would be a good idea to stop taking the BCP a few months before we started actively TTC. He listened very openly, and we discussed all of our fears about having a second child. It was a great conversation! I just started taking a pack of BCP, so I told him to think about it and we would talk about it again when I was just about done with this pack. I do think he'll agree that it's a good idea for me to go off them, but if he doesn't, then I'll have to be okay with it as it is a joint decision. Thanks for all of your advice!!!!

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I had yet another test done yesterday to locate the stubborn kidney stone, which I have since named ROCKY! I had dye put into my body by IV and then had a series of x-rays taken. The test took about an hour total. The radiologist who read the x-rays thinks that the stone is at the juncture of my ureter and the bladder. My urologist should get the report in 2 days and maybe have a better idea if she still thinks the stone will pass or if we need to take more aggressive measures.

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At Monday's Jenny Craig weigh-in, I was down 2 pounds for a total of 10.2 pounds in 5 weeks. I did splurge a bit on lunch yesterday since I hadn't had anything to eat or drink after midnight and I was STARVING! But I am back on track today and hoping for at least another pound gone by next Monday's weigh-in.

Thinking...

I have been thinking a lot lately about TTC Baby#2. Joe and I had agreed to wait until Ethan turned 2, and I still think that is a good plan (for the most part). I really would like to go off the pill now so that my cycles could become regulated before we seriously started TTC. If I happened to get pregnant right away, my due date would be around July or August. Ethan would then be 28 months old. If we wait until Ethan turns 2, I wouldn't have the baby until Ethan was 3 or older (depending on how long it takes to get pregnant).

Joe and I wanted Ethan and Baby #2 to be 2 1/2 to 3 years apart, so my feeling is that I should go off the pill and have a couple months to regulate my cycle. The hard part? Talking to Joe about this! I wish sometimes he could read my blog! LOL

You see, Joe was never one of these men who just couldn't wait to have children. He had a very rough childhood and he never wanted to make any of the mistakes that his parents made. I know he was extremely tentative about fatherhood. He isn't the type who tears up or goes crazy over a newborn baby. Don't get me wrong: he adores Ethan and he loves being his daddy, but I am not sure how he feels about a second child. We've always agreed to have 2 because we feel it's so important for Ethan to have a sibling, but I know he's scared.

I'm scared too. I'm scared that I won't be able to handle 2 small children. I'm scared that we won't be able to handle it financially. I'm scared to gain weight again and have another high-risk pregnancy. I'm scared that our house is too small for 2 children. The list goes on and on. Even though I'm scared, I am also excited about bringing another child into our family and sharing our lives as a family of 4. I am excited to watch Ethan and his little brother/sister play together.

I feel like I don't want to wait 5 months before I even go off the pill. I am 31. Although that's not all that old, I know that pregnancy is harder on your body the older you get. I'd like to avoid having gestational diabetes and high blood pressure and bed rest. I'm trying very hard to lose weight, hoping to be down to a reasonable weight by February.

Any advice for me? Should I suck it up and wait until February to go off the pill since that was the original "plan"? Or should I try to talk to Joe and convince him that I should go off the pill now?

Anyone Want a Kidney Stone?

It seems that 3 weeks after my initial bout of horrible pain, the kidney stone is enjoying the comfort and warmth of my body! I had a follow-up appointment with the urologist today, and she believes that the stone is still there. I feel like I have to pee all the time, and it's so uncomfortable. She assured me (yet again) that the stone will pass on its own. I believed her 2 weeks ago, but now I'm not so sure! If I don't pass it soon, I need to go have an IVP, where they inject dye into you and watch it go through your kidneys and urinary system. This will give the doctor the exact location of the stone. I've had 2 of these tests before, and they are no picnic. So please, let's all pray for the stone's peaceful passing!!

After 4 weeks on Jenny Craig, I am down 8.2 pounds. I feel much better about myself, and my clothes are all fitting much looser.

I am really starting to get the craving to TTC Baby #2. Joe and I agreed to wait until Ethan turned 2, so I won't push things, especially since I am trying to lose a lot more weight before getting pregnant again. Ethan will be 2 in 5 months, so it's really not all that far off. I get so excited when I think about TTC again and bringing another little one into our family.

19 Months Old

To My "Little Man",

You will be 19 months old tomorrow.

19 months...gone in what seems like the blink of an eye. I remember when I was pregnant with you, a friend of mine gave me a pregnancy countdown clock. Every morning, I would look at it and see that I was one day closer to meeting you and holding you. The time seemed to drag on and on as I waited impatiently. Now I long to make time stand still. You have become my little boy, instead of my baby.

I love all of the things you are learning every day. You squeal in delight when you see a school bus. You are learning to climb and to run (especially when you see Gramma coming down the street!). All summer you helped Gramma water her flowers (although I think you ended up being wetter than the flowers!). You love Elmo, Pepper, Grampa, drinking out of straws, balls, playing outside, and being chased. You love your blankie and your blue elephant. You absolutely adore rough-housing with Daddy. You laugh when someone chases you and when you're caught doing something naughty.

You have learned so many words. At 19 months, these are the words you can say:

Momma
Dada
Gramma
Grampa
Pepper
Puppy
More
Juice
Night-Night
Aba (that's what you call your blankie)
I Love you
Thank you
Please
Water
Baby
Bus
Car
Help
No
Yeah
Hello
Bye-Bye
Diaper
Oh-no
Uh-oh
Eeew
Raining
Poop
Wet
Light
Hot
Hat
Eyes
Hot Dog
Bubbles
Roni (for macaroni)
Up
Apple
and probably a few more that I can't think of

Your personality is showing more and more everyday. You now know that you are funny and that you can make people laugh. You get frustrated when something doesn't go your way, but heck, don't we all?? You give kisses and hugs, and you are so good at sharing your Fruit Loops with your friends at daycare.

I can't even begin to explain how lucky I feel to be your Mom. In the past 19 months, you have taught me patience. You have taught me that it's okay for the house to be messy. You've made me laugh until I couldn't breathe. You've brought me such incredible joy, simply by being you.

Happy 19 months Ethan!

Wonderful News!

All of Mom's biopsy results came back benign!!!!!!!!!!! No sign of cancer! They think that one of the spots was a cyst with a fatty center, and the other seems to be a clogged milk duct. She has to go have an ultrasound in March to check on the one spot, just to make sure that it hasn't grown at all. If it's still there, she will probably have it removed to avoid any future problems with mammograms, etc. Needless to say, we are all thrilled and relieved!
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I had my third weigh-in Monday night at Jenny Craig. I was down 1.8 pounds for a total of 6.6 pounds in 3 weeks. I am really doing (surprisingly!) well at sticking with the plan, and my clothes are feeling MUCH better. I still have a long ways to go, but this is a great start.

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The kidney stone hasn't passed yet (that I know of). I had an x-ray yesterday, and it looked like the stone was in my bladder. I have a follow-up appointment with the urologist next Thursday. She assured me that the stone was small enough to pass on its own.

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I have a lot more I wanted to post about, but it's getting late so I'll save it for another day!

More OUCH!

I still have not passed the kidney stone. I have been having intermittent pain since last Wednesday. Ibuprofen seems to help most of the time, but last night I had to take a Percocet. I have an appointment tomorrow with a urologist; I have no idea what the next step is. I am not sure if they will still wait it out, hoping the stone will pass on its own or whether they will want to do another CT scan to see what's going on.

My mother is currently undergoing an aspiration biopsy on her left breast. Once the procedure is done, she will immediately have a mammogram to see if the areas of concern have changed at all. If the spots are still there, she will be scheduled for a more invasive biopsy. I should know more tonight about what's going on.

Our trip to New England went well, despite my kidney issues. We enjoyed spending time with my friends Ashley and Mike and their daughter Lindsay, who is 3 months older than Ethan. My nephew's 1st birthday party was a big hit, and my extended family loved Ethan and seeing how much he has changed.

I had my 2nd weigh-in at Jenny Craig on Monday evening, and I am down another 1.2 pounds for a total of 4.8 pounds. I am incredibly proud of myself for sticking with the plan while I was away and for resisting all the temptations of the birthday party.

I'll update later when I hear from my Mom.

OUCH!

I had my first experience with a kidney stone when I was 16 years old. It was one that I prayed I would never have to go through again. My mom took me to the ER where they put dye in my kidneys and immediately diagnosed the problem. I passed the stone and life went on as normal.

Fast forward a few years to my freshman year in college. In the middle of a math class, I started having severe pain and cold, clammy sweats. I left class and ran to throw up. Turns out I had another kidney stone.

13 years later...and here we are again. I woke up about 2 a.m. with some cramping and back pain. I took an Ibuprofen and went back to sleep. This morning, I still wasn't feeling quite "right" but I headed off to work as usual. After being at work for a bit, the pain came back and I kept getting the cold sweats. A few times I felt like I was going to pass out, and then I ended up vomiting twice. My Mom came and got me and we went to the Urgent Care facility. My urine culture showed blood, so they sent me to the hospital for a CT of my kidneys. Sure enough, there is a 3mm stone stuck in my left ureter! Some urine is backing up into the kidney. They assured me that it would pass on its own, but in the meantime, I am on an antibiotic to prevent any infection, and I have some Percocet if I have another "attack". I am supposed to follow up with a urologist when I come back from Massachusetts.

Having Ethan was easier than having a kidney stone!

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Mom had her consultation with the breast surgeon yesterday. He did a VERY thorough breast exam and he could not feel anything. However, since the mammogram and ultrasound both showed something was indeed there, she is scheduled for a biopsy next Wednesday. He did say though that in "his opinion", he did not think they were looking at a malignancy. We are all holding onto that hope, and we hope the biopsy is negative. Please continue to keep her in your prayers.

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I think I have lost 1/2 pound since weigh-in on Monday, but I'm not totally sure. I hope that I don't slip up too much while I'm away this weekend. To answer Sabrina's question, Jenny Craig costs me about $100 per week, but that is all my meals and snacks. We have cut back on how much we order takeout or eat out, so I think we'll break even. Right now, I have to do what I have to do in order to lose this weight!

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Have a great Labor Day weekend everyone!

A Step in the Right Direction

I had my first Jenny Craig weigh-in, and I am down 3.6 pounds! I am finding it fairly easy to stick to the plan, and the food is actually really good! We are going away this weekend for my nephew's birthday party, so I am nervous about how I am going to handle the diet while on "vacation". I just need to keep a positive outlook and remember WHY I am spending all this money and working so hard!

My Mom had to reschedule her consult with the breast surgeon to today at 2 p.m. My Dad took the day off to go with her. After today, she'll probably have a date for the biopsy. She is still hanging in there and keeping a positive attitude.

I think Ethan has entered the terrible two's early!!! I was reading in "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" that 18-24 months is actually a very rough time. Ethan is constantly testing J and I and doing things he knows he shouldn't. We're firm and consistent, which seems to be working (for now!).

Had another counseling session yesterday. We have a long way to go, but the sessions are so eye-opening and helpful in seeing each other's point-of-view. I know only good things can come out of the counseling.

Back to work....

Life

No news to report on my Mom as her consultation is this Thursday. I want to thank all of you for your prayers and for your encouraging comments left here. It helps to know that there are others out there who know breast cancer survivors and success stories.

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I joined Jenny Craig yesterday, so I had to laugh when I saw Sheri's blog entry about her "before Jenny" photo! I had mine taken yesterday and it was NOT a pretty sight. I need to have some structure in order to lose this weight, and I have little to no time to prepare meals, so Jenny Craig seemed like a good, albeit expensive, option. I am going to try it for 6 weeks and see how the plan fits with my schedule and my budget. I hope to be down about 12 pounds at the end of those 6 weeks. My goal is to lose 30 pounds. Not only am I unhappy with my appearance and the effect it is having on my self-confidence, I need to lose this weight before TTC Baby #2. I had GD with Ethan, and I was told that I will most likely have GD with any subsequent pregnancies. If I am at a healthy weight and eating a healthy diet when I get pregnant, I am hoping that I can avoid the GD and the 55+ pounds I gained with Ethan.

I am excited about this, but also scared of failure. I have lost and regained so much weight over the years that starting something new and putting your faith in the plan and yourself is tougher and tougher each time. Each time you fail, you fall a little farther and feel even more like a loser. I am trying to take one meal at a time.

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J and I have had our 4th counseling session. We have lots of work ahead of us, but we are both discovering things about ourselves that we didn't necessarily acknowledge before. As long as we can afford it, we will continue to work on our relationship with the counselor and hopefully put some of our issues to rest for good.

________________

I started taking the Zoloft again as of last Friday. It's too soon to see a difference, but I am hoping it can help me gain control of my worry and horrible anxiety. I go back in a few weeks for a follow-up appointment...will keep you posted.

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Ethan is fabulous! He is my shining star! He just turned 18 months and his personality is emerging more and more every day. I think J and I have a comedian on our hands and a real "ham"! Every day, I discover more joys of motherhood.

That's it in a nutshell!

Small Update

My Mom has an appointment next Thursday with a breast surgeon to discuss how the breast will be biopsied. According to the copy of the ultrasound report she received, there are 2 areas of concern, both in the left breast. She has lots of questions for the breast surgeon based on what the report says. She is handling all of this remarkably well, and she is determined to absorb one step at a time before moving on to the next. She refuses to look ahead or to think long-term because it is just too scary and overwhelming. My aunt told her that the only way she got through two bouts with breast cancer was to take one step at a time, so that's what she is doing.

It will probably be a few weeks before we know the results of her biopsy and what treatment is next. In the meantime, we are all trying to stay positive and focus on the here and now. Please continue to keep her in your prayers.

Worry of a Different Kind

Mom just e-mailed me and told me that her mammogram yesterday was abnormal in the left breast. The film picked up something behind the nipple, and they sent her for an ultrasound. The ultrasound does show something there that needs further testing.

Her primary care physician should receive the ultrasound report no later than this Thursday morning. Then she will know what additional testing she will need to undergo. She will most likely have a biopsy to find out if it is breast cancer.

*Deep Breath*

My aunt (my mom's sister) has had breast cancer twice: first diagnosis was at the age of 44. At that time, she had a lumpectomy and radiation. The cancer reoccurred in the other breast when she was 52. This time, she opted for a double masectomy with breast reconstruction surgery. She has been cancer free for 3 years now.

I know that breast cancer is not a death sentence. My Mom has been very vigilant about having her yearly mammograms, especially because of her sister's diagnosis. She has always been terrified that she will be next. I am so scared for her, and for me too. If she has breast cancer, then my chances of eventually getting breast cancer are increased.

Please pray that my Mom's tests show that whatever is behind the nipple is harmless. If it isn't, please pray that she will have the strength and support she needs to endure whatever treatment is deemed necessary.

An Angel

Dylan James Manning received his wings yesterday, August 2. He is finally at peace and doing all the things he was unable to do here on Earth. Please pray for his family during this difficult time, that they may receive strength and healing from the Lord.

I've never met you in person, Dylan, but I feel like I know you, from everything I've heard about you from Lisa, Lacie's Mom. You fought an incredible fight, but now it's your time to run and play with all of the Tay-Sachs angels who have been called home before you.

JUST BELIEVE
http://www.djsfoundation.org/intro.htm

Sick Again

Yup, my little boy is sick again. Last week, he came down with a cold. After a few days, he seemed to be having a bit of trouble breathing, so I took him to the pediatrician. He was diagnosed with an ear infection, sinusitis, and croup and put on an antibiotic as well as a steroid to help open up his airways. Today marks a week on the medications, and he really isn't much better. To top it off, Sunday night and last night, he threw up in his crib sometime during the night. Boy does that make for a nice surprise for Mommy in the morning! I think that he probably has so much post-nasal drip and congestion that it's making him feel sick.

I called the pediatrician back today and told him that Ethan really wasn't much better after a week on the antibiotic. He still has very thick, yellow snot and a terrible cough. The doctor is calling in a different antibiotic that he is to take for 2 more weeks. So 3 weeks on medicines...poor kid. Everyone (family, co-workers, friends) keeps reassuring me that the first 2 years in daycare are horrible and that once Ethan starts school, he will be sick much less often because he'll be immune to so much. I HOPE so! I feel like my little guy is always sick!

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I am on Day 2 of eating healthier and exercising. I spend yesterday's and today's 30-minute lunch break walking on the treadmill and reading a book. I have kept my calories low and my meals and snacks healthy. When I think about long-term, I get discouraged, so I am trying to think "one day at a time, one meal at a time".

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Joe and I had our second counseling session yesterday. It went well, but we have a lot of work to do to truly get back the closeness that we both want. I am confident that we can do it though.

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Money is still tight and my skin is still bad. Hey, you can't win 'em all, right?

Beware of the Pity Party

If you're not into other people's pity parties, I suggest you stop reading now. This post is going to be a doozy. I am not sure where to begin. It's Sunday night about 11 p.m. I should be in bed fast asleep because the alarm seems to ring even louder than usual on Mondays at 5:45 a.m. Instead I'm a sobbing mess, thinking about the person I've become and wondering how I got here.

Growing up, I was always a planner, but never a compulsive worrier. Since giving birth to Ethan, I find myself living a life full of worry, anxiety, and fear. If I have a pain in my pelvic area, I just "know" that I have ovarian cancer. If I have a pain in my breast (as I do at the moment, and it's probably just related to my cycle), I have diagnosed myself with breast cancer. If I hear sirens and Joe is running errands, I hold my breath until I hear his voice on the cell phone. I worry from the time I wake up to the time I finally fall asleep at night. Back in October, I saw my primary care doctor and we discussed this. I went on Zoloft for about 3 months and then (stupidly) decided I didn't need it anymore because I was feeling better. What did I THINK was making me feel better in the first place??

These irrational feelings, while seeming incredibly real to me, have been causing some problems with my marriage, coupled with some other issues dating back many years. Joe and I are now seeing a counselor to try to figure out how to solve some of these problems. I love Joe more than anything. He is an amazingly caring person and the support he gives me is so unconditional. However, I can only imagine how difficult it is living with a woman who is constantly bringing him down with her fears and anxiety about everything in life. I truly am sucking the life out of our marriage. All I want is to feel "whole" again...to wake up in the morning and feel like I can breathe, to feel like there isn't an enormous burden sitting on me and pushing me down.

On top of the anxiety and fear are my feelings about my weight. I have ALWAYS had issues about my weight, ever since I was very young. In middle and high school, I was on the swim team and worked out constantly, so I was about 125 at 5'4". Even then, I thought I was chunky compared to many of my friends. In college, I gained more than the Freshman Fifteen, and so I weighed about 150 when I got married in 1997. I fluctuated throughout the first 5-6 years of my marriage between 140 and 170. I would try a new diet and lose weight. Joe was stationed in Korea for a year, leaving me in Maryland alone, and I would lose weight. I'd have an event I needed to look good for, and I'd lose some weight. When I got pregnant with Ethan, I was about 165. I gained 55 pounds with him, mostly (I feel) because I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes. The lowest I've been able to get down to since having Ethan (17 MONTHS AGO!) is 168. I am currently at 175 after having 2 weeks of bingeing and eating everything I felt like. I begin a new "plan" tomorrow, one that includes calorie counting and walking the treadmill for 25 minutes during my lunch hour. I am hopeful that I can soon get down to 165 again, with my ultimate goal being 150.

I highly doubt that Joe is attracted to me the same way he was 10 years ago. Does he love me? I'm sure of it. But I want to be the woman he married again. I want to feel like ME again. I want to love myself again, because how can HE love me if I don't love me? I can only hope and pray that he has the patience to stick this out with me while I figure it all out. Some days, I feel like a shadow of myself, like the old Laura is gone and the new me is someone I just don't like. I am praying that getting my eating under control, exercising, and seeing the counselor will pave the way for finding the "real" me.

I have always had bad skin...something I've been forever embarrassed about. I've probably tried every single concealer on the market. I found Proactiv and it has worked pretty well. Thing is, I have gotten lazy about using it and now my face is a MESS. Just another thing making me feel ugly. I know how to fix it, but I also know it won't happen overnight. Why are the most rewarding things also the hardest to stick with?

Money is tight lately. Joe and I both work full time because we simply need the money. We are by no means struggling, but things have gotten tight lately, and we've had to dip into our savings account. We need to sit down and figure out where the extra spending is taking place and how we can cut it. Again, just another thing making me feel so out of control.

As I sit here and I read over this post, I am ashamed. I am ashamed that I spent 20 minutes writing about my "pathetic" life when there are others in the world clinging to any shred of hope that their loved one will pull through whatever hardship they are facing. As I sit here typing, I think about my friend Lisa who lost her 18-month old daughter to Tay Sachs disease. What would she give to have "anxiety" issues or a weight problem? My neighbor passed away today, after losing her husband in January. And yet I complain about money, bad skin, such trivial things.

Before I came downstairs to write this post, I stood beside Ethan's crib for 10 minutes, tears rolling down my face. He is the most perfect thing I've ever done in my entire life. Looking at him takes my breath away. This little person, who is now learning to talk (and hit and bite!) is incredible proof that somewhere along the way, I have done something so very right. And no matter what it takes, I promise him that his mommy is going to get healthy, both physically and mentally. He deserves that and so much more.